Sorry, I just feel like sharing my day today because it's been a roller coaster of emotions that has ended very positively. I started off this morning in a very foul mood. I was still reeling from my estranged father in law outing me on Facebook. Additionally, I knew I had to travel to the east coast today for a 4 day business trip. I had been debating whether I should travel as my authentic self, so given how bad I was feeling, I said what the hell. Left the house this morning, completely Alyssa, and headed off to the airport.
As it has been before, getting through TSA was a non-issue, especially since I have PreCheck. Not even a second glance from the agent checking my boarding pass and ID, no issues with the metal detector. Cool. So then I stopped for lunch. Sign said seat yourself, so I did but as I sat down I noticed what I can only describe as a glare from one of the servers. I ended up waiting almost 10 minutes without anyone coming to my table to bring me a menu before I finally stopped one of the servers and asked what it would take to get a menu. I'll admit, my mind was in overdrive wondering if I was being treated poorly because I was clocked (which is still very frequent for me). The server got me a menu and talked to one of the other servers who ended up waiting on me. She was super apologetic and her service was awesome throughout. So awesome that I left her a huge tip and a thank you note. OK things are looking up.
Had an embarrassing moment when I realized I had forgotten to tuck before leaving the house (I don't tuck at home). Now its not very noticeable but there was a slight bulge that could be seen if one looked close enough. So I ducked into the first women's room I could find to take care of that issue. First flight went great. Got a complimentary upgrade to first class from Delta and sat next to a friendly woman who I chatted with off and on throughout the fight. Flight attendant referred to me as Ms. Miller (never get tired of hearing that), so great experience.
Then I got to the Atlanta airport and it all almost fell apart. I had to use the bathroom but being Atlanta they were all super busy and full of women. I've never felt so intimidated. I felt like an enemy on foreign soil even though it may all only have been in my head. I was truly worried I was going to get a bad reaction from one of the other women. Thankfully nothing happened. However, this experience and perhaps my own cowardice, put me in a bad state of mind. So as I was walking back to my gate I was already not doing too well when I made eye contact with an older woman in a power chair sitting at one of the gates. She took one look at me and just started laughing. It took every ounce of energy to keep my head high, look straight ahead and ignore her cackling. Didn't matter though, the damage was done. I sat at the gate for the next 45 minutes, fighting back tears. Watching women walk by and thinking about how I'd never have a body like theirs, I'd never be beautiful like them, etc. I fought hard to keep my spirits up, but I was slipping fast.
Then we boarded the plane. Another upgrade and I was hoping to sit by another friendly woman. Nope, a 30-something man was already in the seat next time mine. I dreaded sitting down and seeing how he would react. However, a few minutes later he was looking for a USB port (there was only a power outlet) to plug his phone in. I offered to let him plug into my dual power supply and he was very thankful. He ended up being super friendly and very chatty throughout the flight. I REALLY enjoyed that. When we landed and were getting ready to deplane, the man seated in the row ahead of us saw me starting to reach to bring my bag down from the overhead bin. He stopped me and politely asked if he could help, which I graciously accepted. OMG, two awesome gentlemen on one flight! So great.
Another stop in a women's airport bathroom (no issues) then off to the rental car lot to get my car. Picked my car, drove out to the gate and handed over my drivers license and credit card (both with my male name and photo). She asked me the standard questions about gas, insurance, GPS, and then looked at my ID and asked me what my birthday was. I told her the date and said, it's in 4 days. She responded that she had to ask because...well...and then gestured to me. I assured her I totally understood and had no problem with it. As she handed me everything back to send me on my way she said "And by the way, you look stunning tonight Miss Miller, have a great evening". I thanked her and then totally flipped out as I drove away. What an awesome gesture, even if she was just saying it to be nice, she was still being NICE!! Felt so great to hear those words from her mouth. I was on cloud 9 the whole drive to my hotel.
Finally, hotel check-in went fine as usual. The front desk clerk suggested a great restuarant where I could get a late night dinner. The restaurant was great too. The servers were all super friendly to me as was the woman running their trivia night.
So I'm back at my hotel writing this now after having a crazy day that ended up being a low point and high point all in one. Tomorrow and Thursday will suck as I have to be onsite at a client in male mode. But Friday I'll be back to being myself and flying home to my family. :D
Sounds like, overall, you had positive experiences!
Hi Alyssa,
I agree, what a day you had. The ups and owns would probably ruin me in your shoes.
I relate to your, "I had to use the bathroom but being Atlanta they were all super busy and full of women. I've never felt so intimidated. I felt like an enemy on foreign soil even though it may all only have been in my head.", very much.
You may know I am also traveling and so far have made it from Oregon to Missouri en femme. Bathrooms are my nemesis on this trip I have used some but only when I was reasonable sure the women's was unoccupied. I've found single user bathrooms is a couple parks and even pulling off the highway to find a little use road to do my business. Occupied women's bathrooms scare the hell out of me.. I don't see how you do it, though you do look quite a lot more passable than I do.
Good job Alyssa proud of you being able to do what you've done.
Hugs,
Laurie
Wow, what a day you had! I'm glad t ended well for you, but you must feel exhausted!
Alyssa, that was one heck of a travel day. You racked up some serious Experience Points with that one, and got some nice positive affirmations from strangers that more than offset one rude/crazed person in an airport lounge.
Congratulations, and well done! May your return trip be boringly positive.
I know that feeling about the bathrooms. Howver, now I just go into the female. I dont really care about the reaction anymore. But then again, with you being an American it may be harder (bathroom bills and such)
Good on you for all your progress Alyssa <3
Oh Alyssa, you are living your life as authentically as I want to. Considering the FB debacle you're dealing with, I am so glad that you're allowing yourself to feel and engage with all of the emotions that come with the moments you describe here. I want you to know how much that speaks to who you are, regardless of what happens or how things make you feel at any moment. You are living a life to be envied, becoming more of who you already are, knowing that there will be times of joy as well as times of anger without fearing the latter. Our road of transition is an intense example of all life...unpredictable but ultimately rewarding.
That said, I saw a video on YouTube a while back by a guy who teaches mindfulness and genuine living in the moment. He asserts that there are no good events or bad events, that things happen neutrally and we are left to decide how to react, feel, and behave in light of those events. He talks about this little mechanism our brains have that filters events to lead into emotion, and nearly everyone is unaware that they are able to choose their reactions instead of accepting that "that's just how I feel."
I will be the first to say that I am so not good at filtering in this way, but I am starting to learn how. I look back at times when I was terrified or angry or even gleeful about things going on or coming up. No matter how I reacted to something a year ago, or even a month ago, here I am now. I'm still me, just a little older and a little better. I would never try to downplay fearing bathroom use or being outed on Facebook, please don't think this is what I mean. But rather, if we become constant throughout all of the chaos of life, we won't need to think about how much it might suck to go to a meeting in male mode.
You are so so good of a person, I know this without having even met you. And we are so much better than the reactions and anxieties and distractions that pop up to deter us from our beautiful present and fulfilling future.
Much love,
Aria
Aria, thank you so much, it's so affirming to hear your perspective on how I've approached things. As you noted here and elsewhere, I do typically wear my emotions on my sleeve and I vent them quite honestly and openly when they get strong (either positively or negatively). Do you possibly have any more info about that YouTube video. I'd love to work more on that myself but could use some tools to help me. I'll probably also check this out with my therapist to see if she has any thoughts on how I can continue to take control of my reactions and steer myself toward a more even approach :)
Thanks so much for this great post!!
Hi Alyssa!!!
Quite the workout there sister!!!... Travel days are like an intense boot campish experience that move you far down the line of real world experience in a short time... Not for the feint hearted!!!
Hold the good encounters close to your heart because loving connections enrich us and ignore the more negative ones because they are meaningless. Other people's reactions are always a wild card and subject to influences and variables far beyond our control and far beyond us being trans.
Ya done good Ms Miller!!! ... "Connecting my true self to the world".... Darn right you are!!!... :) Congrats on surviving boot camp!!!
Onward we go brave sister!!!
Ashley :)
It is these 'boot camp' experiences that really test whether our drive to transition is for real, or a lark. If the motivation is persistent and real, the unstoppable internal drive to transition will continue regardless of any mocking or laughing or even torturous experiences we encounter along the way.
Sounds like 80% good and 20% bad. Thats pretty good overall :)
As for the laughing older lady, sod her. Some people are arses no matter what.
You're doing SO well! :)
Quote from: MissKairi on June 22, 2017, 04:36:23 PM
As for the laughing older lady, sod her. Some people are arses no matter what.
I kinda want this to happen to me so I can walk up to them, plant a big smooch on their head, and say "you have a blessed day, sister" :-* ;D