Pre-T, I believed myself to be fairly pragmatic. There never seemed to be a ton of emotions that went into anything I did, but... there must've been, apparently, because things are very different now.
I always saw my fiancée as a very level-headed woman--she's the type that can be literally lost, shrug it off, and just keep moving until she realizes where she's at--and I still do to an extent.
But it's almost like she's operating on a sixty gear system while I'm idling around on four or so.
On any given day, she's happy/sad/angry/irritated/calm/annoyed/listless/energized/tired/motivated/upset/content/fulfilled/anxious... etc.
I feel like I wake up and all my days boil down to:
Horny/hungry/content/horny/hungry/tired.
Rinse and repeat.
I don't think she's any different than she was before, so it must be my perception.
When she's angry over something (work or any of that), I calmly ask if she needs anything. When she says no, I just sort of walk off and give her the space I know she needs.
Then I head downstairs and find something to do without giving it a second thought until she comes down and wants to chat.
Before, I'd still let her have her space, but I'd go downstairs and mull over how she was feeling and ultimately end up working myself up in the process.
Now it's just like, "Can I fix it? Nope? Okay, I'll be downstairs."
Same thing with our 'arguments' as inconsequential and infrequent as they may be.
It all makes me feel very simple and perhaps a little emotionally dumb, though I must admit that it's nice to feel so consistently even-keeled. Has anyone else noticed this?
100% yes to this. Pre transition all of my friends were straight females because of my profession. So now as a tran man my relationship with them has changed because of how my emotions and responses have changed. Less emotional. More black ans white and to the point. I also like to play devil's advocate and break things down from multiple sides. Logic and reason. My core as a helper hasn't changed. I'm a sensitive guy still. But its different. They always say that women are better communicators and my retort is just because you talk more doesn't mean it's of substance. I've little patience for filler or speculation. Little changes I've noticed for sure. I don't like conflict at all so I am a let's agree to disagree type whereas before I would probably feel a need to make you agree with me.
All I have noticed is that - with time - I realize the futility of being worked up over things you can do nothing about. If you're the sort of person who does not enjoy being worked up. Some people do enjoy the drama. But then I noticed this process beginning a few years before T anyway, T reinforces what was already there.
I don't feel emotionally dumb. I'm very much well aware of all my emotions, still. I have plenty of them, but if they don't serve me, I can pack them away and forget about them much easier.
I certainly don't envy people who constantly ride a roller coaster of emotions. I never have done, though. I've always had a very steady sort of mood, even if my thoughts go to many places.
I was always like this, even pre-T. It's actually one of the many things that made me realize I was trans. I couldn't tolerate talking to females about emotional, long-winded things. Logic and reason were always my go-to. I always wanted to solve problems, not just comfort people about them or listen to people ramble on, venting. When I thought I must be a girl, this was frustrating and confusing. I knew that I wasn't relating to people the way most females did, wasn't what people expected or wanted me to be in that regard.
Interestingly though, I have been more emotional (still not very emotional though, just comparatively so), more compassionate, and more tolerant of these things since starting my transition. I believe it is not because of the T, but because I am happier with myself, less angry, less depressed, and therefore more willing to try to less irritated with such things.
But I still sometimes have times where I can barely stand it. Like when I was recently visiting a friend for an entire two weeks, I did a good job of tolerating and responding understandingly to most of the long, long, long stories she told every day, but at a certain point, when she had been going on about something trivial--and telling the story word-for-word, play-by-play with no end and no point in sight--I honestly felt like I was imprisoned. It wasn't pleasant, lol.
Quote from: Bacon on June 22, 2017, 05:56:39 PM
I was always like this, even pre-T. It's actually one of the many things that made me realize I was trans. I couldn't tolerate talking to females about emotional, long-winded things. Logic and reason were always my go-to. I always wanted to solve problems, not just comfort people about them or listen to people ramble on, venting. When I thought I must be a girl, this was frustrating and confusing. I knew that I wasn't relating to people the way most females did, wasn't what people expected or wanted me to be in that regard.
This is almost word-for-word my experience. That's one of the reasons being pre-T and perceived as female is difficult for me: unless the individuals in question know me well, people seem to expect feminine responses and practicalities from me. The sad thing is that I felt forced to conform to my assigned gender for so long that I began to (attempt) to comply. I'm now having to retrain myself to just behave naturally. I've been diagnosed as autistic, which is part of the atypical socialization, but a lot of it is gender expectations.
I am pre-T, so I can't speak for how T affects me emotionally. I
can tell you that estrogen is not my friend. I have never adapted to the mood swings I get with PMS, and once they put me on birth control, hoping to get rid of a cyst I had in my ovary as well as even out my mood, and I essentially had PMS for a month. (Interestingly enough, my testosterone is mildly elevated all on its own. I've read that that and ovarian cysts have been found to be quite common even in pre-T FTMs/ transmen, which I find fascinating.) I am hoping testosterone does the opposite and helps avoid some of this, though I know there's no guarantee.
I can see why women get frustrated with it in men, and why men get frustrated that women are often so "high strung".
If they are upset or worked up about something, being left alone is often not what they want. They seem to prefer talking about it even if there is nothing you or they can do to fix the issue. To many of us, that's futile, and we don't see the point in it. But on estrogen, there's almost a need to reach out to people, and constantly. I think it's just chemical for the most part, the difference in how men and women tend to process frustration. If you walk off she's going to think you don't care as much [about insert problem here] as she does, even if you do. Refusing to argue when you know a topic of contention is beating a dead horse also can have similar effects, but it's actually the right thing to do. If she insists on arguing about things worn out and without resolution, that's probably an underlying issue of hers than needs sorting out. Some people do just like to argue so they can make-up affection/sex. Others just like to fight. But trying to force a reaction from a guy typically only oppresses him. If there's an actual solution, most guys will jump at the chance to apply it, but if there isn't, and you don't get joy over turning the problem around in your head, what's the point.
I don't think either approach - fretting or walking off - is especially dumb or intelligent emotionally but it's more efficient to base your reactions on what gets best results (for you). As CMD said, just because someone may have more emotional or verbal needs doesn't mean those needs are actually useful or deep.
Quote from: Viktor on June 22, 2017, 07:39:07 PM
I can see why women get frustrated with it in men, and why men get frustrated that women are often so "high strung".
If they are upset or worked up about something, being left alone is often not what they want. They seem to prefer talking about it even if there is nothing you or they can do to fix the issue. To many of us, that's futile, and we don't see the point in it. But on estrogen, there's almost a need to reach out to people, and constantly. I think it's just chemical for the most part, the difference in how men and women tend to process frustration. If you walk off she's going to think you don't care as much [about insert problem here] as she does, even if you do. Refusing to argue when you know a topic of contention is beating a dead horse also can have similar effects, but it's actually the right thing to do. If she insists on arguing about things worn out and without resolution, that's probably an underlying issue of hers than needs sorting out. Some people do just like to argue so they can make-up affection/sex. Others just like to fight. But trying to force a reaction from a guy typically only annoys and oppresses him.
I don't think either approach - fretting or walking off - is especially dumb or intelligent emotionally but it's more efficient to base your reactions on what gets best results (for you).
Nah, we've been together for a decade and I can absolutely assure you she wants to be left alone. She has told me so on several occasions and, after the fact, almost always thanks me for giving her space. I'm not worried about the way I interact with her causing issues, I was just noting the shift I'm experiencing internally.
There's a whole lot less, "God, she's feeling upset... I wonder if there's a way I can make her feel better? ****, I feel bad for her" and a lot more, "Well, she'll figure it out. I need to study, anyway".
And when we 'argue' (if it can even be called that), I certainly don't refuse to engage the issue, I just do it in a very calm and to-the-point manner without really feeling much emotion one way or the other. Pre-T, though I was very efficient at hiding it, I'd feel my emotions kick up when we'd bicker.
These things were certainly present in me before undergoing HRT (the lack of empathy, zero 'maternal' instinct, no desire to engage in emotionally charged drama, etc.) but now they're definitely at the forefront.
I figured from your wording you knew her very well, I was just talking generally about the relationship dynamics in a male-female couple when it comes to fretting and arguing. Definitely typical of men to do the "space" thing and to forget about the details in these situations, it's down to testosterone's action at least in part, so I think your changes have been totally what you'd expect.
I'm a lot less argumentative than I once was before T; if there's a disagreement I tend to just go elsewhere and wait for it to subside which is how other guys give each other space, typically. In a male-male situation it works excellently if both guys tend to do this, which is what my situation is. If I were in a relationship with a woman though, I would expect she'd find it a little cold to do this all the time. I do remember being frustrated with it myself at once point, long ago, before any hormones. Thinking "how can he so blasé?" when I was bothered about something my partner was able to forget at the drop of a hat and shift his attention to something else. In short I think estrogen helps make a person worry more, require reassurance more, and even demand attention a little more, testosterone seems to flatten most of that. Much more happy about the changes from T myself though. I loathed constantly thinking about what someone else is thinking, it's very "peaceful" for me now... T has been a bit like being on calmatives without the nasty side effects.
Quote from: Viktor on June 22, 2017, 11:07:57 PM
I loathed constantly thinking about what someone else is thinking, it's very "peaceful" for me now... T has been a bit like being on calmatives without the nasty side effects.
This is what I'm hoping for. I've only been on T for a month and just increased my dosage to a normal one. The Dr started me off at a low dosage. I tend to be a worrier and suffer from anxiety attacks so I'm really hoping that T helps to calm me down. Although I am more logical when discussing things with other people, I still tend to take things personally and dwell on them after the situation is over. What I would like is to be able to say what I need to say or do what I need to do an then let it go. I have been practicing this with some success, but as I've read more and more about the effects of hormones, I do wonder if some of my reactions are due to estrogen. Honestly before looking into transitioning, I really didn't understand how much of an effect hormones have on us. I was always more on the nurture side of things in the whole nature/ nurture debate, but now I can see where not only our genetics, but our hormones influence us tremendously.
It is my dream to give that little of a **** about anything.....Please T-gods....be kind to me!
I'm a VERY emotional person, so it will be a really good change of pace if this the the kind of attitude change I get to experience.