Not so long ago I came across this forum and have been reading a lot of the stories of the most amazing bunch of men and women on this planet.
I'm very disappointed in myself that it took me so long to really find myself. I'm a through and through tech nerd, so focused on the world of technology all my life that I was practically isolated from the fact that there are many people out there who are just like me at my core. The core self that I have always kept as so secret that I never mentioned my feelings about how I perceive myself to anyone at all. I feared that if I did, I would be classified as a mental case. So that part of me was kept shut.
I have to laugh at myself now, on the outside it was pretty clear to everyone that I am not your typical female. Most of my life I was perceived as male ( or at least as a tomboy or a butch dyke) by many who met me, at least on first 'inspection'. It is a lot easier for AFAB people who feel that they are really male, to wear 'male' clothing and overcome at least some of the dysphoria that we all experience.
A few months ago, the little prison cell I created for myself was sprung wide open by sheer accident and I became aware that there are my people who feel just like me: female exterior, but that our mental construct of who we really are is male. I was not alone!
Sure, I've heard about males having surgery and taking hormones to become females, but it simply never occurred to me that this was also pursued by women transitioning to male. Damn! If I had known that earlier, or if I had had the guts to to talk about my inner secret to a medical practitioner or psychologist, I might have done something about myself much earlier. But I grew up in the 70's and 80's so life was different then. Much different. It is very likely that I would have been told that I have a mental health issue and that I should buckle down and accept who I am. I really didn't want to hear that. So, I kept how I felt to myself.
As it was, I just buried my true self in my work and resigned myself to the fact that I just had to live with parts of my body that were foreign to me. Until that fateful night, when I couldn't sleep, turned to my ipad for some entertainment, and came across a documentary about two FTM persons. WOW! :o I sat up in bed and started searching for more information. There were so many FTM's who were detailing their life stories and their journey of transition. Every story they told was so similar to mine. The growing up years, the agony of being in the wrong body. They were like me! I was not alone! And there were articles written for the medical professions, psychologist, teachers and so on, that gender identity is a social construct and that people like me were perfectly normal, and we just needed help with becoming who we really are. While I was ensconced in my high tech world, the world around me had changed for the better ( at least there are positive attempts at changing how transgender people are treated). That was my turning point. I mulled over this for a few days, like a prisoner who had expected to spent life in prison and was suddenly and totally unexpectedly pushed out of the door and told, 'you are free'. I was truly stunned, numb and elated all at the same time.
What I needed to do was suddenly clear. I needed to live authentically, not half woman half man. I made an appointment with a psychologist. She was the first one I told every detail of my story. It almost felt unreal telling another person how I felt from as far back as I could remember. The big secret revealed. I walked out of her office transformed. I felt like I was finally walking out of that prison, sun shining, feeling the wind in my face, walking taller, the future was now open for me to recreate as the person I always knew I was but could never express to be. That feeling is still with me. I am redefining of how I see myself, and who I feel I can now become.
My psychologist wrote me a letter of support to undergo medical and surgical treatment to realign my body with my gender identity. I then spoke with my general medical practitioner and obtained relevant medical history to take to a specialist gender clinic to start hormone treatment.
This coming Wednesday might just be the day of my first T shot.
There is still a long way to go. But according to the few friends I have shared my secret recently, they think that many people wouldn't be surprised and won't be too taken aback as I transition. My biggest challenge will be work. I work in a heavily male dominated field. I'm just hoping that most will just accept me. After all the transformation won't be too radical, because I've always worn 'male' clothes and my body language has always been male. The only thing they will have to get used to is my voice change, and the growth of facial hair over time, that's all. And I'll change my name ( this will take some retraining, and that's why I'm thinking of just changing my existing name to its masculine version, which means that the pronounciation of the name is very similar, and many are already pronouncing my name in the masculine form, which I'm very happy about. Is it a mistake, or did they know something I didn't :) ) I am, however, preparing myself for some males not accepting the person I will become. Fine. Their problem. As a woman in a male dominated profession, I'm used to discrimination on gender anyway, so it won't be new.
So, there you have it, my brief story.
Hey, welcome and congratulations, Dan! You and I are probably around the same age, and it sounds like we've had some similar experiences. I didn't realize that I could actually have what I've wanted and needed my whole life until fairly recently too. I'm really glad to hear that things have been working out for you!
Welcome to the forum Dan! Just be You!
Hello Dan. Welcome to the forum. I'm Julia.
Hi Dan :icon_wave:
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Hugs
V M
Thanks for the welcome :)