Text only | Text with Images

Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: cambria on June 27, 2017, 01:12:01 PM

Title: I am pretty sure I may be trans?
Post by: cambria on June 27, 2017, 01:12:01 PM
Hey everyone,

I have been going through quite a lot lately and over the past two to three months, have started to stop denying my feelings. I've been in and out of hetero relationships for almost four years, while stuffing down my identity and ending up in pretty terrible situations. I've hit rock bottom, a few times, and have finally decided to reach out to my family for help, so that I can start living independently and living on my own terms.

I posted on a different forum site about my sexuality and got a lot of good feedback, helping me to realize and come to terms with the fact that I love women. It's been nothing but relief. I haven't come out to the world yet, but my family has known for quite a while. I am actually pretty excited to come out to my whole family, not just my mom.

But, the hard part is that I've also realized, deep down, that I am a man. And it feels like a weight lifted off my shoulders expressing that, but it also terrifies me. I've been in this body my whole life, but just realized over the last few weeks why I've hated it so much, and why I feel the need to be perceived and act as male.

Here's some of the signs I've experienced with my gender (and sexuality):

- I've been attracted to women my entire life but have yet been able to experience a female relationship because of how many hetero relationships I end up in
- I used to bind with ace as a kid in private and didn't realize that this was related to a hate of my body until years later (I was in gymnastics and had ace bandages for my hands feet etc)
-I used to "cross dress" as a pregnant lady and feel myself up during puberty and childhood alone in my room, as an erotic guilty pleasure thing. I've only told one person. This was for years
-when doing this and binding id tie myself so tight I couldn't breathe, it hurt.
- I've hung out with mainly only males as a child and early school years, eventually bullied into hanging out with girls and shaving
-I've had extreme dysphoria with my hair. I only liked one hair style growin up (and would absolutely freak out if I got my hair wet, didn't have a hair tie or had to shower)
-I'd go at least a week between showering because I hated it. This went on for years.
-in high school, a girl who was basically my girlfriend but we had no sexual experiences only emotional, would try so hard to get me to like girly clothes and makeup. She'd set up date after date for me with other men and I'd end up avoiding them, and one time, sexually assaulted
- realized around this time I was very much attracted to women and had many deep crushes but never acted on them because was trying really hard to maintain hetero relationships
- moved to a different city and different high school, and cut my hair short. My mom is a hair stylist and agreed to cut it in a pixie because she wanted me to look feminine. I was still very dysphoric but didn't know that's what I was experiencing; I wish now I would have just cut it like a mans haircut and would have been happy. Now it's grown out and I wear hats. My hair is pretty but I don't maintain it, it's gotten matts before because I hate taking care of it and making it look girly.
- I went to a lgbtq event at my school, it was a fashion show, and dressed in my friends guy shorts and boxers and clothes and felt so freaking free. I went home and rolled up a sock and put them in my boxers and just laid in bed, happy. I didn't know I was packing the first couple times I did until I started having the urge to do it again more recently and figured out that's what I was doing, I felt like I needed a penis. I didn't even realize I was queer at the time (this was close to four years ago)
-I ended up in a hetero relationship for three years but never explored my sexuality. I didn't even know I could orgasm. Lesbian porn changed that for me even though I'm sure I'm attracted to men too. When I masturbate, I imagine I'm having sex with a girl and doing all of the traditional male roles.(to the point of having "wet" dreams about being a man and having sex with a straight woman).
-I would borrow my boyfriends clothes and felt really good, but they were too big for me as I'm petite
- felt really great being one of the guys for approx three years with my ex, skateboarding all day until I was sore, smoking, doing graffiti, and working on my portfolio for a tattoo apprenticeship (I'm a printmaker and independent artist since 12)
-I felt terrible because I was "treated" like a guy, but in reality I was just the girlfriend...
-I started researching trans people, and had an epiphany, in experiencing a lot of these feelings.
-I'm not scared of taking t. I'd love to have more hair on my body, and to be able to have natural erections. I just don't want to regret it later in life.
-I've started packing but not in public or with anyone really.. just by myself
-I'd love to have a binder so that I can pass, but as far as for now, I don't wear a bra (always hated them). And I'm very small and barely show anyway.
- I wear men's underwear and I'm afraid of being so feminine and naked with my current cis male bi partner. I feel weird recently being girly or having sex in traditionally feminine positions, aka me on bottom or doggy.
- I don't know what to do from here...
-one time, a couple weeks ago, I went into a men's clothing store, a skate shop, and felt really amazing picking out clothes for myself (rather than my partners for the first time).
- I don't know what to do
- I often feel like there's something missing between my legs, but not always. If I could wear a packer I think I'd forget about this "missing" feeling and feel proud and go on with my day.

I think the hard part now is coming out, and deciding how I'd like to transition. I got next to no replies on a different forum and felt like a total freak, even within their community. Everything was fine and dandy when I started talking about my attraction to women, but when I made a long post about my ftm feelings: crickets. I'm really really hoping I can get some support. Thank you!
Title: Re: I am pretty sure I may be trans?
Post by: KathyLauren on June 27, 2017, 04:16:16 PM
Welcome, Cambria!

It sure sounds to me like you are somewhere on the trans spectrum.  It is helpful to talk to someone knowledgeable about gender issues in order to help you understand or clarify what your needs and goals are.  A good place to start would be to see a gender therapist.  They can help you figure out what is going on for you and how to get to where you want to be.
Title: Re: I am pretty sure I may be trans?
Post by: Michelle_P on June 27, 2017, 05:51:35 PM
Hi, Cambria!

Welcome to the site. Your questioning of your gender identity and desires to modify your physicality to be more comfortable are almost certainly indicators that you are on the transgender spectrum, in my lay opinion. 

We have a very active if small FtM contingent here, and I think they'll be along shortly to welcome you to our family.

I do hope you feel welcome here and can find the answers you need.

A Cautionary Note:
Please try to remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there somewhere make sure of this.

This is a public forum. We cannot insure that any information shared on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction.  There is no way to guarantee that automated image and writing style analyzers out there won't see and process your post.

Do not share anything on Susan's that you do not want to be public information.


I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to take a look, please take a moment to go through them.

Things that you should read


Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.
Text only | Text with Images