Sorry if this is long.
I am nearly 24, AFAB and appear female. Long hair but tend to wear androgynous clothes and no makeup.
Since a young age I have been confused about my gender. As a child I only wore "male clothes", only had male friends, hated anything deemed "feminine" as well as cutting my hair off with scissors at one point. I would sometimes get into fights with boys at school if they called me a girl to "prove" that I wasn't a weak and girly as I saw it. When I started puberty, I hated the fact I was developing breasts and when I started getting periods, I was so upset and horrified I tried to conceal it for a long time.
As I got older and became a teenager I tried to act more like a girl to fit in and that worked for me for a while, however in the last few years I've been feeling very uncomfortable with being "female" again.
My sexuality is I think very typical of a gay male, although I feel I am not as bothered about the gender of my partner as most people seem to be. I am primarily attracted to younger, effeminate, "twinkish" men, although on occasion I have found women attractive. I am definitely not attracted to masculine-looking men. I have never had PIV sex. I have tried, just because it feels like what I am "supposed" to do but I seem to be unable - I think maybe my muscles contract, which I've read is something that can happen to transgender men who are in denial. In any case, I feel fairly uncomfortable with the idea of being penetrated. I am sexually dominant (just generally, but also in the BDSM regard) and feel very insecure about my height, being only 5"4.
I am also autistic (diagnosed) and have chronic depression.
I use female pronouns (or rather just don't correct people) however I cringe a little every time I'm referred to using feminine titles and adjectives, or as a girl.
Anyway, I have a boyfriend, who I will call, L.
L is sexually submissive and a cross-dresser. He is what I am attracted to - very "twinkish" and effeminate and just over two years younger than me. He doesn't want kids (I could never imagine carrying a child) and likes me being in the more "male" role. He is happy to not have PIV sex and says he would be okay with a completely asexual relationship. He is also open to being penetrated with a strap-on dildo. He says that if I was a woman with a penis (i.e. was MtF, non-OP) this wouldn't bother him at all. Prior to meeting me, he was exploring the possibility of bisexuality, in that he was considering meeting men for sexual acts while cross-dressing as a girl, however he now says he is completely straight.
Before meeting L, I have struggled enormously with relationships and often felt I would be better off alone.
Me and L are very compatible in almost every regard (interests/atypical views/both vegetarian/he is very supportive and understanding of my autistic way of being) and he is, in a sense, my rock at the moment, since I don't really have a supportive family or a social circle or anything like that.
However, he tells me he can't imagine being attracted to me romantically if I were to decide to transition.
I am not set on transitioning. I think about it and I do feel uncomfortable with being perceived as female. My body feels alien to me. I don't feel I can really enjoy sex as a "woman". However, I do feel I have got used to this in a sense. It's not ideal, but then, if I transitioned that comes with other problems, like outright discrimination from people over it, being much shorter than I would like as a man, scars and so on. And not least, losing someone I love.
L tells me he feels bad that he is putting me in a situation where I would have to choose between never transitioning and losing him potentially. But, I have to be clear, I am not dead-set on the idea of transitioning by any means and I do love L a huge amount. I just wish I could have the option.
But it is more than that. I feel as though he loves me, conditionally, based on something that is not really me. I feel like, if he truly did love me, me having a male body at this point would not change that.
I can understand if he is not sexually attracted to a penis on my body - but that is not really what I am talking about. It is that, he says if I looked male, he would not want to be even non-sexually intimate with me. In effect, that he would just lose all affectionate/romantic feeling for me and just see me as a friend. This is what hurts me. That my superficial femaleness is so, so important that his feelings for me would go if it wasn't there.
I know it doesn't count for anything, probably, since everyone's sexuality is different, but if he transitioned to female I would still want to be with him, even sexually I think (I realise in that regard I am unusual, but I guess my sexuality is quite "fluid). I know it's far from the same thing, but he has on many occasions worn female clothes around me and I have still been sexual with him while he was wearing them, even bought clothes for him.
He says he loves me, doesn't know how he would survive without me, feels as though I've ruined him for other people, really doesn't want to lose me etc. He says that, "he guesses he can't be sure he wouldn't still be romantically attracted to me because he's never experienced that situation, but he just can't imagine being affectionate or romantic with someone who is physically a man".
He is also very understanding as things are right now - he has no issues with trans people and he is generally pretty good about it with me, asking if it's okay if he refers to me as his girlfriend to other people given I'm not "out" except to people I'm very close with (although he often calls me his "personfriend" or boyfriend when it's just the two of us), checking if I'm uncomfortable with him touching certain body parts, calling me "handsome" rather than pretty.
How should I feel? I have no plans to transition at this moment, but I can't rule out my feelings getting stronger.
Wow, what an introduction, and quite a dilemma really for all of us, our dear partners, lots of folk here are in a similar boat - and hopefully MeTonie and Transguymac will chime in soon enough.
The mods will also give a list of links to read through, but pull up a seat mister and make yourself comfortable.
(Manly pat on the back type thing)
Sno.
Welcome to Susan's
Conditional relationship. I would be open with him about your needs and that they can change in the future. For now it sounds like the relationship fits well with future storm clouds. Be open with him and be prepared.
I am amab, transfeminine, married 25+ years, and my wife has said similar things to me. She loves me but is pretty sure that if I ever went through with a full transition, it would probably be an end to the romantic part of our relationship. I've tried to take things slow and include her along the way. I try to accommodate her requests and feelings where I can, although no one gets veto power over my life. She was a little uncomfortable when I started to develop breasts. I held off on HRT but eventually needed to be on at least a low dosage. She was able to adapt to that and has not shied away from stimulating them (which I adore!), so I am hopeful that I can make things continue to work. We love each other and continue to talk. She is very good about making space for me to be able to attend group meetings and meet with friends. She has even attended the occasional session with my therapist. Who knows what the future holds for us? I do know we love each other and continue to be committed to making things work. I try not to take her love for granted, which if there is one thing in all this I could pass on about relationships, that would be the thing. Happiness is made of a lot of different things, and the people we love are a big piece of that.
Disregard what he says, people say many things but it's not the same to act on it. You still have an option to transition if you want it with a 50-50% chance he would stay with it.
What I mean is, he's equally dependent on you as you are at him, yet he tries to control your feelings by saying he won't be romantically attached... I am not saying you should transition if you don't want to, but be assured he either ain't that real support to you as you thought, or he will accept you as you are. So, again, you have the options to transition if you ever want to.
There's no one way to feel about it nor do you know if that's actually what will happen, the only way to know is to do it.
What I can tell you is it's a very common reaction. You might have the same reaction if he said he was going to stop looking like a twink and bulk up or something. You might have the same fears.
I went through a somewhat similar phase with my fiancée.
She knew I never really felt female and had issues with my birth gender from the get-go back in 2008 when we started seeing one another. The topic of medically transitioning never actually came to light until sometime in 2012. She was scared, to say the least. I vividly recall her getting upset and worrying that I'd turn into someone else entirely or end up being an ***hole. I backed off since, like you right now, I wasn't dead-set on it at the time.
The topic continued to be breached here and there over the following couple of years in minor incarnations until late 2014 when I finally told her I needed to medically intervene before my misery swallowed me whole. She was a very different person than she was a couple years prior after having had time to quietly mull it over once the initial shock faded.
We're more compatible now than we've ever been and we were pretty **** compatible in the first place.
Ultimately, what I'm saying is this:
- The ebb and flow of dysphoria is unpredictable. You'll have plenty of 'this is fine' days peppered amongst your 'please let me peel off my skin' days. In my case, when the number of former days were engulfed by the latter, I knew there was no other choice for me whether she agreed or not.
- You know who's always going to be with you? You. It's good that you found someone with which you're compatible but staking the whole of your existence on an outside party is never wise. Will he be around in five years? Ten? Twenty? Maybe so, maybe not. But you will always be stuck in your head and body.
If you take nothing else, remember this: Stunting your personal growth and development for someone else is a prime breeding ground for silent but gangrenous resentment. This doesn't just go for transitioning, either. Some people don't want their significant others to make career changes, further their education or any other number of life-altering things.
Though perhaps slowly at first, it will drive a wedge between the two of you should your desires become more concrete and his position remain inflexible. You will blame him whether you realize it or not and this bitterness will come out in little things like picking fights or even barring him from minor things he wants to pursue out of spite.
Just do yourself a favor and be prepared to do what's right for you when/if the time comes.
CZ,
Welcome to the site.
You have been given a lot of advice already. I am not sure if I can help. Your feelings while maybe hard to clarify are yours. So, we really can't tell you how to feel.
Significant others make all of this complex. I'm not saying it is not worth it but it becomes a challenge to work with.
I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.
With warmth,
Joanna
Hi CZ, im sorry you are facing such an obstacle. There is another thread on here that is another perspective on this situation and its worth a read.
Personally, I believe you should really have a long seated conversation with him and insist that its important for both of you. Remind him that you care about him and also remind him that it is your body and ask him to try his best to be supportive. After all, if he is questioning bisexuality, he probably wont be opposed should you fully or partially transition. He is probably very scared and confused, but definitely remind him that this is your life. Nothing happens immediately and transitioning takes time, so hopefully he grows to understand it better like Stone Magnum's SO. I hope that when it comes down to it, he grows and remains with you along your journey.
Heres the thread (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,220120.0.html) on another perspective!
Edit: I really agree with what Stone Magnum wrote!!