So to me the absolute scariest thing about transition is coming out. It really scares the hell out of me but at the same time I feel like it's really hard to do but once it's done it's over with yeah your going to have to talk about it a lot for the next few months but I feel like once I get over that hurdle what does it matter I can never take back that I have came out everyone e will always know I'm transgender.. do I feel like I would be relieved and finally feel free to live as my true self..
Hi Randy,
The good news is yes, it really, really lifts a burden from your shoulders. The bad news is that for most people there is not one "coming out", but many. You may first come out to your closest confident, then maybe your family. Then there are the people at work, with all the HR hassles, and then there is coming out to each of your friends, some of which will be supportive and some not so much.
I have been full-time for about a year, and there are still some friends I have not confronted because I think it won't go well. Kind of silly, I know. If they won't accept me, there wasn't a friendship worth saving in the first place, but I am talking about friends I have known for years and it would be painful for me to acknowledge that loss.
In my heart I know that if you have to prune that relationship tree, it will be healthier and more beautiful in the long run, but it is still hard to face. As I once told another friend here, just about everything about transitioning is either (a) hard; (b) painful; (c) expensive, or (d) some combination of those.
With kindness,
Terri
It depends on reaction of the people important to you. If they are accepting, it's one thing. Or they might resist and you would have to make a choice whether to comply or further damage your relations over and over again. In some cases flat out divorce is easier than constant struggle... but you don't have a right to transition until you take it with your own hands.
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For me, a huge relief. There was the "no going back now" moments and this sense of well, now life becomes a whole lot less complicated. My coming out process was not structures and not all at once as Terri talked about. I just started telling people like " yeah so this is new". A more monumental and stark coming out experience to me felt to artificial. As a person i am a person and not completely defined by my gender.
There are consequences and issues to be sure but there would be those no matter what.
Coming out is a huge relief. Huge. Before coming out to my wife, I felt like I had a 200 lb weight on my shoulders all the time. Just getting the words out, out loud, for real reduced that weight to nearly nothing.
How people react will colour the feeling of relief. As soon as I heard the magic words, "Whatever you decide to do, I will support you", I felt lighter than air! I realize that not everyone is so lucky. But I had been prepared for any response, and had the response been negative, I still would have felt the relief of getting the truth out into the world. It would have been exchanging one burden for a different one, but the relief of speaking the truth would still have been significant. That is why I did it.
Coming out is probably the hardest thing we do. After keeping ourselves hidden for years or decades (I managed a half-century), in Western culture we deliberately violate our most deeply rooted cultural and religious taboos, face our perception of social and personal rejection and abuse from those around us we most care about, and step forward.
Now, staying hidden has been a key, if buried or suppressed, element of our psyche for a long time. That builds up over the years as a tremendous burden, with all the baggage of dysphoria, depression, and anxiety. Finally setting down that burden is a tremendous relief for us. It may not be seen as such by those around us who cannot or will not understand what we have been through, so we could find ourselves faced with a new, if temporary burden to deal with.
That said, having someone else accept us, even support us in the act of coming out is a spectacular relief on it's own. I felt like a death sentence had been lifted from me when that happened.
I remember how relaxed I felt after I called my sister and cousins to tell them although it took me weeks to work up the nerve. I continued to wonder afterwards if it was only because I was so far away. When I went out for a visit and they all showed up with my one surviving aunt and they all treated me like one of the girls? There are no words!
Heck yeah, huge relief if you ask me.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226090.new.html#new
it helped me so much!! I'm not fully out yet, and it's going to be a long time before I am, but I came out to about 15 friends and it's just been so enlightening! I started coming out to people little by little back in February and so far everyone has been very supportive! I know it won't be the same for everyone but I'm very lucky to have some amazing people in my life, and coming out had brought me closer to a lot of girls I was just casual friends with before. I know it's going to get harder, but for now I'm building a core group of people who will support me and have my back and give me a shoulder to cry on when I need it.
best of luck when you decide to come out!!
I have found it to be a relief so far but it was also a source of fear for me too. Not the fear of telling people that we all share but a more personal fear. It was the fear I have of doing something irreversible again. Each step I face that I consider irreversible is a difficult challenge for me and this is one. First was my boobs growing on my chest, the coming out as once done you cannot unsay it. There are more that I have yet to face but for now I'll stick to the coming out yes it is a huge relief and it forced me to face that fear of the irreversible. I still haven't made my grand announcement but have only told those I felt I must personally.
Bring on the next challenge!,
Hugs,
Laurie
Coming out for me has been beneficial overall, punctuated by a series of identity crises that had to be worked through. I notice that I am actually at my most contented/optimistic when I have made a decision about how to navigate my transition. For example, I felt good just deciding to take hormones. Actually feeling better from hormones took a while longer. The same pattern holds for other aspects of transition.
So far I am pretty much full time except for having to dress in drag for work. A lot of my anxiety and depression lifted when I acknowledged myself. Coming out has been liberating. Only person left to tell is my mother in law. My wife is more worried than me. Hiding it was so much harder than being it!
--
"You do realize, this means you get to do character creation & the newbie zone all over again? :D"
I'm out to everyone now and it was the best thing I ever did.
Yes there will be people who take it badly
But, for the most part everyone has been amazing and feeling like you don't have to live 2 lives is such a weight off your shoulders.
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If you're accepted by the people you care about, perhaps.
If not, there are people who felt very much regretful that they did.
But in the end if the fact isn't going away, hiding it is a burden one is always carrying and psychological burdens aren't good for the soul.
When I finally did my last "coming out" on Facebook , changed my name and Photo it was like a big weight had been taken off me...for good or bad...its done. I think you have to make your own decision about timing and method. I did it in stages, Wife, brothers , parents. kids, extended family, close friends were as I could and finally face book publicly. Each time I did it I got better at it and felt better.
With the exception of two, coming out has been wonderful. Although losing the two has been difficult I feel incredibly better about myself and ability to self determine my present and future.
Quote from: Viktor on July 18, 2017, 06:45:01 AM
If you're accepted by the people you care about, perhaps.
If not, there are people who felt very much regretful that they did.
But in the end if the fact isn't going away, hiding it is a burden one is always carrying and psychological burdens aren't good for the soul.
all of this exactly
with friends who were supportive, i wished i'd come out sooner. with family who was anything *but* supportive, i wished i hadn't bothered at all... but i did it anyway because i didn't want to keep living with that burden. the way i see it, even so it has caused me more trouble in a lot of ways, at least now the issue is on them for not being accepting and not on me for keeping secrets.
Coming out is a relief and freeing. It's also kind of annoying to repeat the same thing over and over again lol.
I recently came out to my close work colleagues at work (we all work in a High Security Area for eight hours a day, bit hard to avoid), and moments after it I felt so... Confident. Even though people do occasionally slip up (i told them on Thursday, so I expected it), it's an incredible feeling to finally be referred to as male, as Stefan.
Of course I didn't know how people would react, in all honesty I was expecting a bit more resistance and hostility.
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 17, 2017, 07:24:16 PM
Coming out is a huge relief. Huge. Before coming out to my wife, I felt like I had a 200 lb weight on my shoulders all the time. Just getting the words out, out loud, for real reduced that weight to nearly nothing.
How people react will colour the feeling of relief. As soon as I heard the magic words, "Whatever you decide to do, I will support you", I felt lighter than air! I realize that not everyone is so lucky. But I had been prepared for any response, and had the response been negative, I still would have felt the relief of getting the truth out into the world. It would have been exchanging one burden for a different one, but the relief of speaking the truth would still have been significant. That is why I did it.
I agree, but it seems that over time, the weight comes back until it's no longer a secret to anyone .
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When I was planning to tell my wife i envisioned the both of us crying. So when I told her I felt so good for myself but sad because I broke her heart. I tried so hard to shed a tear but I couldn't.
As nice as it was for me to tell people, for me i just get increasingly stressed when i come out. Sure, it's nice to be called by my name and it's nice to let people know so they don't constantly "oh wow your eyes are so pretty" "your hands are so effeminate" it also put a lot of pressure on me to be myself. That sounds easy, but as I've worked so long and hard to look as pretty and act as sissy as possible, it's being very hard to break those old habits.
Also whenever I come out (or try to come out) to a family member, the tension raises to breaking point in the room. Long stares, long silences, fury raging at the temperature of a thousands suns. And that tension doesn't go away. Any time any kind of gender-ish topic comes up, all eyes on me, all silence, all walking on eggshells and dissapointment and hate.
Honestly I'm jealous of everyone else here, it was the opposite of a relief for me. At least when I was closeted, my every move wasn't judged. At least when I was closeted, I didn't have people crying over how pretty I was when I had long hair.
I've only told my wife, and it worked out fantastic, she is completely supportive and we are still very much in love. One thing to consider is are you okay with coming out? I'm still very much in my own shell, and it is very hard to get out of the mentality I have built for myself that makes me feel comfortable.
So I feel good that she knows about it, but I feel incredibly vulnerable and afraid. She has told a coworker, and knowing how things work, I am sure most of her coworkers know now, and that feels good yet at the same time I have not developed a mentality of how to deal with this.
There is a part of me, that wants this to get out to all of my family, to be thrown out and exposed for who I really am, it would be nice to just break myself into a thousand little pieces and rebuild myself - and that may be necessary. Another part worries, to death, I worry about my aging parents, the shame and guilt they would feel, my homophobic brother would be most impacted, he has always used me as an anchor for stability in his otherwise chaotic life. My oldest brother, who had his wife leave him for another woman, what sort of impact would this have on him? Would he see me as nothing more than selfish? He just had a kid, is he going to see me as a monster? Am I going to be perceived as a threat?
I know the spot you're in, it sucks. I would suggest a therapist first, if you can afford one, I wish I had one to sort through all of my feelings and help "me" build myself back up.
Quote from: elkie-t on July 17, 2017, 05:48:42 PM
It depends on reaction of the people important to you.
Down to the important people in your life, I didn't tell my boyfriend (fiancé) for months, didn't think it mattered or was important, then I got very anxious and nervous when he started proposing marriage, it was a huge burden and started to stress me out, when I told him, it was a shock to him, but a huge relief lifted off my shoulders, but knowing me for months, he only ever knew me as a woman and loved me as the woman I am, no regrets not telling him sooner, may not have worked out, but getting married he had to know, it was a big relief that he finally knew, I never had to worry about it again. Walking down the aisle being a bride for my husband was the happiest day of my life.
It was quite honestly the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I chickened out several times before talking to my friends, and when the time finally came I was crying so hard with shame & fear that I almost couldn't talk. But I did - and they made me realize there was nothing to be ashamed of. They responded with love & acceptance, and have been the cornerstone of my whole transition. I simply could not do this without them.
Talking to my parents was hard, too, but after that hurdle it was much easier. I've now told everyone who's currently a part of my life (well, my employers know, but not all my coworkers).
Watch out its little miss doom & gloom, when I had the courage to tell my wife the ->-bleeped-<- hit the fan big time, a few so called friends could see my face had change goatie shave off eye brows done, I thought once vit was out then a huge weight would be off my shoulders oh no now I realized it was a massive mistake, losing a few friends who mended up not being real friends I can live with, losing the wife was very very hard but then she was doing things behind my back the hardest part of coming out was coming out to myself for real, in other words my looks are the thing that stops me going any further so at first yes it was relief then nerves now just bleak.
So sorry to hear it went that way! We all know the possibility of losing people in our lives from coming out but it doesn't make it hurt any less! Especially those close to us. Hang in there! You're not alone, we're all hear for you!
Quote from: coldHeart on July 19, 2017, 06:23:09 PM
> losing a few friends who mended up not being real friends I can live with, losing the wife was very very hard
For illustration let's imagine two additional situations.
- A transgender FTM realizes they feel best with a buzz-cut and no makeup so they cut off their shoulder length hair. Some friends freak out and wonder why anyone would do such a thing without asking their friends' permission? If asked, those friends would have said "making yourself better makes me uncomfortable." Their spouse doesn't give a damn about the partner's happiness and well-being - they clearly lied about 3 things when they promised: "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health."
- A cancer patient has their shoulder length hair turned into a buzz-cut as it's about to fall out anyway. They return home, don't feel like wearing makeup and don't feel like announcing "I am medically different and decided to do something about it." Some friends freak out and wonder why anyone would do such a thing without asking their friends' permission? If asked, those friends would have said "making yourself better makes me uncomfortable." Their spouse doesn't give a damn about the partner's happiness and well-being - they clearly lied about 3 things when they promised: "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health."
Something to consider.
I'm not sure about the relief though I did feel relief after coming out to some friends and family privately. But I just came out to friends on facebook and it is not relief I'm feeling. Perhaps that will come later.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Kendra on July 20, 2017, 11:23:37 AM
... Their spouse doesn't give a damn about the partner's happiness and well-being - they clearly lied about 3 things when they promised: "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health."
...
Oh, yeah. My spouse wanted me out of the house. I was going to therapy dressed, and running errands and whatnot while out. Never in our hometown, of course. One of the many rules and restrictions... She was scared to death that one of her friends or the neighbors would see me. Nothing about my issues, problems, and difficulties, it was all about the inconvenience and embarrassment she might suffer.
So, I left, went full time, and came out publicly. Nice photo of me, Michelle, in the hometown paper, accepting a community service award for our amateur radio club from the mayor. :). (Everyone in that club took it well, remarkable considering the age and background of many of the members.)
When I developed melanoma, I called the kids and told them, so they'd know to get screenings. I told my ex, because it affected some scheduling, and she was angry that I even brought it up. Letting her know that I had cancer, would be having surgery, and would not be available for a mediation session was apparently "making this all about you."
"For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health..." Yeah, this was a real eye opener. It definitely laid regrets to rest.
I have come out only to my close family and close friends, probably 12 people. When I came out to my little brother and his girlfriend and they accepted me I felt super good. When I came out to my parents. Well lets just say I wish I hadn't
Thank you all for sharing your experiences of coming out..the only person that I have came out to is my wife about a year and a half ago .. that went well and we are still together the main thing I learned is once it's out it can never be taken back I tried to surpress my dysphoria for a while and have a normal marriage with her as a husband and wife but she just simply can't see me as a man anymore now that she knows that I am really a woman inside.. so we have had to change the dinamics of our relationships.. coming out is by far the scariest thing I have to do especially to my parents but I feel like once it's done it's done there is no going back so.. once I get through that tough step I will fill free to be who I have always wanted to be and over time others will learn to adjust to the true me or move on