Wall of text incoming, hope someone will read this
First off, I know that I'm the only one who can answer the first question (with my therapists help, of course).
With regards to the second question. I'm male, 27 y.o., I don't exactly hate my body, I'm just kind of like "meh", it is what it is. I've gained a bit of weight, wish I was thinner. While I respect and admire those guys who dedicate themselves to having muscle and attractive-athletic physique, If I were to choose (and yeah, it's not like you can just "decide", you gotta work at it), I'd like to be thinner, just that. I'm not into being masculine or having those physical and psychological traits associated to masculinity. I'm sensitive, an introvert to a certain degree, a bit of a clown if the mood is right. I love to pass time just talking about anything, with friends or my girlfriend.
Do I "feel" like a man? Well, I guess I am. I don't know exactly what "feeling" as man (or woman) means, I know that social upbringing and social expectations are still somewhat different for men and women (at least in my country). But I reject that. I do, as males are expected to (though I think women should also be expected to), wish to be independent. But I reject the notion that I have to be masculine or live the lives that my father, uncles or brothers live. That's not what a I want for me. I do not wish to be a father (have a family) or to be cold and emotionless. I loathe the idea of becoming an older man.
Do I "wish" to be a woman? I'm not sure. I am attracted to women, to those physical and psychological traits associated to femininity. Do I wish to have a vagina? To have breasts? I kind of like my penis, been with it through the ups and the many lows. Do I feel good looking in the mirror and seeing a man? Again, it's meh, it's me, and sometimes I see myself and say "Not looking bad" or "I'd probably date myself" (when feeling kind of cocky). But I don't see it as making me exactly happy. Or being happy even with having the best male body (with respect to my opinions on what I find attractive as male).
Is it a "just a fetish"? I did start looking up porn when I was young (when the Internet was just growing up and you could only search for "boobs" on google images for tiny pics), and stumbled upon tgirl porn. I liked it. I tend to relate it to me being attracted to femininity and feminine characteristics. At first, as a 20 yo, I fantasized about being the man, masculine me. I dated and had sex with some pre-op transwomen. It was, as you'd imagine, different. I am still attracted to females (and curious about men). But in my sexual life, I don't feel completely fulfilled in the heterosexual male role. I still watch tgirl porn, and I guess it's mostly about seeing and saying "that could be me". She has a penis, I have a penis, she has an anus, I have an anus.
In short, I wish I could look in the mirror and be happy, feel attractive, be me. And I'm not saying attractive as in looking like a <not allowed> model or 90-60-90 or whatever. Just not a <not allowed> dude (as attractive as I may be). When in the sexual haze I can play with all types of fetishes, fantasies and such. But once I'm sexually sober and I just feel that, despite the difficulties and broken relationships (with family and even my girlfriend), I -selfishly- have to focus on what makes me happy. There will be a million and one things that will bring unhappiness. I know transition won't solve everything. But, maybe, I could look in the mirror and say "hey, I kinda like the new me".
I don't have a clue. I'm confused. I like myself pretty much (when compared to a couple years ago where I was doing absolutely nothing with my life). But I don't like what I see in the mirror, or what I "should" be. Sometimes I stumble upon transition sites with b&a pics or transition timelines, and I think to myself "that could be me", but then the questions burn in my mind...
Were their reasons valid? Are my reasons dumb?
Hope someone reads this and can offer some sort of opinion. Thank you in advance.
Moderator edit to remove some profanity.
You are definitely transgender since it's a very broad term. Whether you are transsexual or not, remains to be seen
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Curiosa,
Welcome to the site.
You are right. Only you can answer that question. Do you have a therapist? If not, should get one very soon. With what you have written, I think you are on the trans spectrum as well.
Maybe you are not all of any one gender. That is something your therapist can help guide you through. Be prepared to be honest to them and yourself.
What you describe covers many of the members on the site. I hope we can give you a hand and help support you through this. What country are you in? We might be able to find info with regards to what is available where.
I also had to edit your post. We don't allow strong language on the site. We try to appeal to families for support as well as individuals. You would not have known about that rule yet so I will not "smite:" your account. I will include some links that should help you get around the site.
Here are those links. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.
With warmth,
Jacqui
No reason for being transgender is dumb. If you don't know who you are in your own body, that's your right to change that. If you don't know what to change to, you can try seeing it by identifying as a girl and see if this is right for you. If it's your body you're worried about, doing light exercise as often as possible will help you with that along with healthy eating. Hey, you can easily be gender-fluid and not have a fixed gender. But this is something that you can get through with help of a therapist.
Hi Curiosa,
I hear some of my own experience in your words. I too have a generally 'meh' feeling about my own body and appearance. I find that I want to 'inhabit' a certain idea of femininity. I have a picture in my mind, and pine for it sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if it's a sexual fetish driving this, other times I'm sure that it is not.
I'm pretty introverted, a part of me just wishes to be a woman, but not in a social way, just on my own, left alone by others. The social vulnerability is a big part of my fears of any kind of public transition.
Clarity can be really hard to come by. I'm working on it slowly, through therapy. I hope the best for you.
Hi Curiosa!
I cannot provide your answers for you - only you can do that. If you can also find the right therapist you will find this to be easier.
What I can do is relate my own experiences. When I was in my early thirties I barely fit into 44 inch (112cm) pants at 238 pounds (108kg) and was adding 10 pounds per year. I was so depressed at the time, knowing I would end up over 300 pounds on a 5 foot 7 / 170cm frame. So I changed some habits and have kept the weight off for two decades. Also 14 years ago I stopped drinking like a fish. I now believe gender dysphoria greatly contributed to weight and other problems I had fought my entire life. I found it difficult to make good decisions when I didn't respect myself as I do now. I'm currently wearing women's size 5 jeans (28 inch / 72cm waist), 150 pounds (68kg), and far more important than looks is I am in better health and look forward to my future.
You are right to question social expectations. One thing that helps is to realize social standards are not consistent worldwide. In some countries, people who explore their own gender literally face execution. In some countries, being transsexual or "third gender" is celebrated and is something other family members brag about. And yet we are all just people.
Quote from Dr. Milton Diamond: "Nature loves variety. Society abhors it."
How does being gendered male, by yourself and others, for the rest of your life... make you feel?
How do you feel about being gendered female, by yourself and others, for the rest of your life?
Transition isn't a choice made out of reason. It's a choice that's made out of emotion. Emotions of dysphoria (sadness, disgust, fear, and anger) push from one direction, while emotions of euphoria (happiness, excitement, bliss, contentment) pull from the other like a ravenous hunger.
Hi Curiosa,
Your experience sounds very much identical to mine, almost to the letter.
Firstly I recommend you try wearing women's clothes, makeup and generally presenting as a woman (just in the comfort of your own home when you're alone). My first crossdressing experiences helped me a lot. I came out to my girlfriend and after that I had a little bit of a time where I felt not trans at all. Then I went on my year abroad and without being able to present as female for a whole year I began to get major dysphoria, to the point where I'm going to my GP to get referred to a gender clinic in... *looks at watch*... about 10 minutes :)
Above all else, talking to like minded people helps. I was lurking on this site for about a year before I made and account and then another 2 years before I came out to anybody. It takes time to figure things out but at the end of the day everyone here has been through an experience in which they can relate in some form :) x