Hi everyone,
My name is Ava. I haven't legally changed my name yet but Ava is what I will be changing it to.
I am thirty two years old and just recently came out to my imidiate family and close friends as being transgender mtf and bi-sexual. Before I get too far into my storey I just want to say thank you to anyone who reads or responds to this. There are so many amazing people in this world that put themselves out there for the betterment of others. It truly touches my heart. And I hope that by sharing my experiences I can help others as well.
It feels somewhat surreal to be on the path that I am on today. The more I inspect my early childhood the
more clearly things seem to be. I have lived so many years repressing my feelings and being totally unaware of doing it. As a child I had always felt like something wasn't quite right. I remember looking deep into my reflection in the mirror one day and not being able to recognize the person staring back. I felt like I was dreaming. I felt like I needed to wake up. About a year and a half ago i think i finally did wake up a bit. Not toatally, im sure, but enough to remember my feminine nature. In a way, the way I felt as a child. But at the same time a completely new and profound feminine energy released in me. (strange experience, will explain sometime later) When I was little I used to go to bed a night and think about being a girl. I used to wear pads in my underwear. I once said to my grandpa that I could fly because I had always with wings (maybe too much TV ::) lol). I fantasized about being with guys. I even, and maybe this explains a lot or maybe not, took a huge dose of estrogen pills :o when my grandma was supposed to be watching me. All of what is going on with me is quite a shock to anyone who has known me, especially my parents. That goes without saying but I was so distracted and afraid of being hated that I just hid all those thoughts and feelings. I pretended that side of me wasn't right, that it was something to be ashamed of, a sin. I had never told anyone these things about myself. I am happy to say though that my parents and friends who know all say that I doesn't change a thing and they love me no matter what. I know that things wont always be easy but I'm so thankful that they are behind me.
I have been seeing a psychologist that specializes in LGBTQ issues. She is an amazing woman and has done so much for the community. The next meeting I will be filling out paperwork so I can see an endocrinologist. I have had a laser hair removal consultation as well. I am way too tanned to start though so I will be starting that in the fall some time. Went shopping in person for the first time a couple weeks ago. I was sooo scared but I ended up having a really great experience. The lady and I assume her husband that were working at the time were super chill, kind and helpful. There was even a sign at the change rooms that read "If you want to try on clothes of the opposite sex, GO FOR IT! We love everyone here! (heart)" My heart melted when I read that! Other than that I'm just taking it one day at a time. Doing my hair, makeup, trying on outfits and being a girly as I possibly can be while I wait for hrt.
I have so much to share but gotta stop here for now. Hope everyone is having an awesome day/night and will be back soon!
Love and hugs,
Ava
Ava, wow. What an introduction. Reading yours gave me goosebumps in a really good way.
I came out to my parents three days ago after taking literally years to build up the courage for what I knew would be a terrible conversation. (They are politically conservative and are 86). Turns out I was completely wrong, my parents now understand changes they had found unsettling - we suddenly know each other better and are much closer.
I didn't tell them I have been dating a wonderful male/female couple for 14 months but I might.
My first endocrinologist appointment is five days from now, around the time you will have paperwork to arrange for yours. I jumped full-on into laser three years ago, electrolysis two years ago - very close to complete on that everywhere. Electrolysis isn't a walk in the park, but you might end up doing some of that and a tan doesn't matter - you will want one with good electrology skills and equipment.
Quote from: missava on July 19, 2017, 01:23:53 AM
> There was even a sign at the change rooms that read "If you want to try on clothes of the opposite sex, GO FOR IT! We love everyone here! (heart)" My heart melted when I read that!
The world is changing and we are ahead of the curve. Some regions and countries at different rates, but it is changing. This is why I never plan to be 100% stealth even if I can achieve that someday. Here is our chance to move the world, each in our own way.
Kendra
Hi Ava :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
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Hugs
V M
Quote from: Kendra on July 19, 2017, 10:44:19 AM
Ava, wow. What an introduction. Reading yours gave me goosebumps in a really good way.
Thanks for the reply Kendra ;D I'm so glad that it was in a good way! lol It was a fairly graphic intro and wasn't sure if it was a bit tmi. I can be a little dramatic at times. I'm a Pisces, what can I say.
Quote from: Kendra on July 19, 2017, 10:44:19 AM
I came out to my parents three days ago after taking literally years to build up the courage for what I knew would be a terrible conversation. (They are politically conservative and are 86). Turns out I was completely wrong, my parents now understand changes they had found unsettling - we suddenly know each other better and are much closer.
Wow three days ago. That's awesome. I'm so happy for you and that you guys are closer now.
Quote from: Kendra on July 19, 2017, 10:44:19 AM
My first endocrinologist appointment is five days from now, around the time you will have paperwork to arrange for yours. I jumped full-on into laser three years ago, electrolysis two years ago - very close to complete on that everywhere. Electrolysis isn't a walk in the park, but you might end up doing some of that and a tan doesn't matter - you will want one with good electrology skills and equipment.
I hope everything goes well for ya Kendra. Not sure how over/underplayed the side effects and health risks are. I've read into it a fair bit but these things vary so much depending on each individual. When I meet with my endo I'm sure they will lay it out crystal clear. For me its a risk I'm willing to take. How painful is electrolysis? I just watched Gigi Gorgeous's video on it the other day and they put her under for it. By the sounds of it not many places do that and I'm sure its not cheap. Luckily I have mostly dark brown facial and body hair. Very lucky considering I'm a very light blonde. The only exception is my upper and lower lip. That will definitely have to be done by electrolysis. Maybe laser won't get as much as I think it will though.
Quote from: Kendra on July 19, 2017, 10:44:19 AM
The world is changing and we are ahead of the curve. Some regions and countries at different rates, but it is changing. This is why I never plan to be 100% stealth even if I can achieve that someday. Here is our chance to move the world, each in our own way.
Its really amazing to see. Just in the last few years the level of awareness and acceptance has risen tremendously. I would love to be 100% stealth some day. But if I am not then that is perfectly fine. I leave it in the universes' hands. As long as I'm joyful that's all that really matters.
Thanks again for the reply Kendra. :icon_hug:
Ava
Quote from: V M on July 19, 2017, 07:02:28 PM
Hi Ava :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hello :icon_wave: Thank you V M! I'm glad to be here! I will make sure to read and follow all the rules. ;D
Hi Ava,
I'm Laurie. I'm MTF also. I'm 64. I would like to invite you on in and welcome you to Susan's Place. ((HUG)) You see I'm a self appointed unofficial greeter here. Some have wanted me to make it official but I don't think I am ready for that yet. But anyway this is about you Ava. Come on in. We have water in the tap coffee and hot water for tea on the counter and maybe some soda in the fridge. Grab a drink and have a seat. Yeah that one is comfy though well used. It's Devlyn's actually but she's out celebrating a good doctor consult (and causing trouble no doubt).
I hope you've had time to look around and checked out the links given you as they just may help you and keep you out of trouble. Rules you know *sigh* All sites have rules.
Coming out is always a pretty traumatic undertaking for those like us. Mostly due to our own fears. I think admitting we are trans to ourselves is one of the hard things to do and then learning to accept ourselves is even a more daunting task. I'm making good progress on mine. Coming out to close family would be next and hopefully they are loving and accept us for who we are inside rather that let how we look cloud their hearts. This unfortunately is not always the case and it can hurt. I know this personally. But we persist and continue on. What else can we do if we are to be true to ourselves?
I am a little more than 7 months in with HRT myself and I am please with it's effects. I'm happier than I've ever been I think. I've even had several friends tell me I appeared happier than I used to be. I just completed a month long road trip as my true self and in doing so I have made good progress in finding myself and accepting who I am with the help of other ladies from Susan's that I was able to meet along the way. I have chosen to attempt full time upon coming home. So far so good.
And today I announced my being trans on my facebook account and changed my name and picture. I guess I am officially out. LOL It's just one more step in my personal journey.
You have almost all these steps to go yet and we will be here to help you along the way.
Good Luck Ava and I wish you a happy new life.
Hugs,
Laurie
HRT:
Quote from: missava on July 20, 2017, 12:21:59 AM
> Not sure how over/underplayed the side effects and health risks are. I've read into it a fair bit but these things vary so much depending on each individual. When I meet with my endo I'm sure they will lay it out crystal clear. For me its a risk I'm willing to take.
I am not worried at all about HRT prescribed and monitored by a correctly trained health care professional. In some cases HRT has a health benefit unrelated to gender identity. I have lost 4 inches of height since college and recently discovered my existing hormone levels are much too low for male or female in my age bracket. My existing hormone levels correlate to osteoporosis - I have an additional reason for HRT asap.
Quote from: missava on July 20, 2017, 12:21:59 AM
How painful is electrolysis? I just watched Gigi Gorgeous's video on it the other day and they put her under for it. By the sounds of it not many places do that and I'm sure its not cheap. Luckily I have mostly dark brown facial and body hair. Very lucky considering I'm a very light blonde. The only exception is my upper and lower lip. That will definitely have to be done by electrolysis. Maybe laser won't get as much as I think it will though.
I've done 200+ hours of electrolysis the traditional way, one root at a time while chatting with my electrologist or messing with my phone as a distraction. Pain ranges from barely noticeable to holy smoke. Depends on the area. My lip wasn't as bad as others have described - for some odd reason my neck hurts more than lip area. Then there's the genital area - and yep that ain't easy. I do 5 things to get through electrolysis:
- No coffee 8 hours before electrolysis. Most important rule for me - if I have a coffee my pain level changes and I regret it.
- Drink lots of water, it's good for your skin. If you're dehydrated that interferes with electrolysis.
- One or two ibuprofen
- EMLA cream on the more difficult areas
- Think about how great the results are - that helps me get through it.
I can't predict how well laser will work for you. For me, laser worked well on some body areas but nearly worthless for face and neck. My electrologist is very experienced and said that's a common result - MTF facial hair roots are different than body hair. Susan's has a hair removal forum you will want to visit to see what others have experienced.
Best wishes on your adventure,
Kendra
Hello Laurie. Thank you for the warm welcome ;D.
Quote from: Laurie on July 20, 2017, 02:56:15 PM
Coming out is always a pretty traumatic undertaking for those like us. Mostly due to our own fears. I think admitting we are trans to ourselves is one of the hard things to do and then learning to accept ourselves is even a more daunting task.
So true Laurie. Well said. As positive and cheery I try to be it definitely is a very scary thing to undertake. It takes a lot of courage. Thank you for sharing a bit of your storey with me. I'm glad to hear you are happier now and things are going well. I Hope your parents are open and accepting and I wish you the very best. ;D ;D
love and hugs
Ava
Quote from: Kendra on July 20, 2017, 03:25:29 PM
I do 5 things to get through electrolysis:
Thanks for the tips Kendra. I will check out that forum.
All the best,
Ava
So here goes the second part of my intro. ;D
I live in Canada in a not so small but also not very big agriculture and oil community. About two hours from a major city where I go and will be going for all of my treatments. Its like any other small community where everyone knows everyone. I personally farm along side with my parents. We have always been close haha literally. After I graduated high school I went to college for pre-employment millwright. After that I got a job in a welding and machine shop. Loved working there, my boss was awesome and we became good friends. I was offered a job with a company in oilfield pipeline and facility construction. Hated that job only because of the hours but made lots of money. Eventually the hours and lifestyle were too much I had to move on. I always worked on the family farm but after the oilfield I went there full time. Long hours in the spring and fall but much more freedom. In a way it has been a blessing for me. Not only that I get to be around family but that I get to be outdoors, closer to nature. I have given lots of thought to where and when I will transition and decided here wont be the easiest however may be the most rewarding. And transitioning first and then possibly finding a new career path after will be better for me I think in my case. In my spare time I love gardening, being at the lake, biking, doing wood working projects, playing guitar and drums, golfing, snowboarding in the winter and traveling. I have been to Australia twice. First trip I lived on the Gold coast for four months. One of my best friends live in Aus. I have also been to Palm Desert, L.A. twice, Phoenix, Detroit, Bahamas, Dominican Republic and Drove all the way across Canada a couple summers ago with close friends and my Fiancé at the time. It was around fifteen thousand kms and took two weeks to do. Waaaay too much driving but was totally worth the agony. 42 hours straight driving was the record :o. I mentioned that I was engaged to be married. This is tough one for me.. We were together for six years. It was only a couple months ago that we split up. We have remained friends and she will always hold a special place in my heart. I have a one brother and one sister who is a dance and Zumba teacher. I'm soon to be taking some dance classes from her ;D. That pretty much wraps up my intro. If anyone wants to get to know me better or has any questions feel free to ask. I'm happy to reply.
love and hugs
Ava
Hi Ava!
What a great story. I loved the wings bit :D
and of course this:
Quote from: missava on July 19, 2017, 01:23:53 AM
... There was even a sign at the change rooms that read "If you want to try on clothes of the opposite sex, GO FOR IT! We love everyone here! (heart)" My heart melted when I read that! ..
I wish all places were this open about it. I know if I go into a big department store, trying on men's clothing is not an issue, but it always made me very uncomfortable. I had to resort to telling the shop assistant that I was buying stuff for my brother or my husband as I got older ( and not try it on, however I worked out my size by trial and error and returning ill fitting clothes when necessary). It is a lot easier now because I can just buy stuff online without feeling uncomfortable.
Enjoy your transition!
Quote from: Dan on July 21, 2017, 07:04:44 AM
I wish all places were this open about it. I know if I go into a big department store, trying on men's clothing is not an issue, but it always made me very uncomfortable.
Actually, many stores welcome people who want to buy from "the other side". I bought my bras from a store that happily sells to men. In fact, to work there, clerks have to be comfortable fitting men. They even have a page on their web site about male customers. Several years ago, when I was into full crossdressing, I'd often shop in a store where 3 older women worked. They couldn't do enough to help me. They'd make suggestions, bring things to me to try on and more. I also used to shop at a lingerie store, where one clerk was very helpful. One thing I learned a long time ago was to stop pretending to be buying for someone else. If you're honest with the sales clerk, you'll get better service.
Hi Dan!
Thanks. lol
Quote from: Dan on July 21, 2017, 07:04:44 AM
I wish all places were this open about it. I know if I go into a big department store, trying on men's clothing is not an issue, but it always made me very uncomfortable. I had to resort to telling the shop assistant that I was buying stuff for my brother or my husband as I got older ( and not try it on, however I worked out my size by trial and error and returning ill fitting clothes when necessary). It is a lot easier now because I can just buy stuff online without feeling uncomfortable.
I wish all stores where like that too. I had always bought my clothes online before that or say it was for someone else as well. So nice to be able to have online shopping. But its quite amazing how people react when your honest. I was in shoppers buying makeup yesterday and the girl helping was color matching foundation on me and asked if it was for television or modeling. I said it was just for me. After she was still super helpful, helping me pick out lip colors and didn't even think anything of it. Thanks for reading my intro and commenting ;D
Hugs
Ava
Ava, I must say you gave me goosebumps as well!!!! For me because your story resonates so much as myself, as exactly what I have done. I am 37 years old and for so long I repressed those feelings as well I loved to do girly things as a child until classmates picked on me. I just kept repressing this other side of me and she was screaming at me for it. I didn't come out as well for similar reasons of societal shame, that I was taught it was a sin, and etc. What is interesting like some of the other comments I just came out to friends and family as well. I was well received by friends and well family is hesitant on the whole thing. They don't want to use my new name and said they wanted to help. I am not looking for help from them just love and support you know. So thank you for sharing and if you want to talk with anyone feel free to talk to me I feel like a sister with you now!!!!
Quote from: Jailyn on July 23, 2017, 06:53:40 AM
Ava, I must say you gave me goosebumps as well!!!! For me because your story resonates so much as myself, as exactly what I have done. I am 37 years old and for so long I repressed those feelings as well I loved to do girly things as a child until classmates picked on me. I just kept repressing this other side of me and she was screaming at me for it. I didn't come out as well for similar reasons of societal shame, that I was taught it was a sin, and etc. What is interesting like some of the other comments I just came out to friends and family as well. I was well received by friends and well family is hesitant on the whole thing. They don't want to use my new name and said they wanted to help. I am not looking for help from them just love and support you know. So thank you for sharing and if you want to talk with anyone feel free to talk to me I feel like a sister with you now!!!!
Yay! So happy we have bumped into each other and share similar stories Jailyn. Congrats on your coming out as well! I'm sorry your parents aren't respecting your wishes and want to "help you". Give it time, hopefully they will come around. Your right, love and support is all we need. Its such a beautiful thing to accept ourselves and want to share it with the world. Even if some people don't get it we know how beautiful we all are inside. Including those who don't get it. Have you been getting support from outside friends and family? I'm so happy I didn't hesitate and wait longer to see a therapist. It gave me the safe space I needed to express myself. If you want to talk to me about anything or swap stories please do as well. I'm here for ya sister! :icon_hug:
Love and hugs,
Ava
Ava, yes my friends and co-workers gave me a lot of support and love!!!! So much so that it gave me courage and strength to come out fully. I was dressing masculine, but since then I transitioned to feminine clothing and it feels great!!!! A few people asked me what has changed, since they didn't know. I had to explain it a little and of course there are few at work, I don't feel I will inform. They can find out on their own. I got several offers of going shopping out with the girls to get good stuff. So yeah, things are good. My family didn't take long to come around at least a little. They called me the other day and it was a good convo. I would love to exchange stories!!!!
Hi everyone,
I Just wanted to pop back in with an update. I'm not sure if I should create another topic or where this should be posted so I will just continue on here.
SO, I am finally on HRT now! yay! And I have actually noticed changes already which is surprising. The veins on my arms which are almost always protruding have settled and are much less visible. I'm assuming its from the spironolactone lowering my blood pressure. And this has led to decreased gripping strength in my hands. Also my chest is becoming slightly sore. My face has been a bit flush as well. And lastly I have noticed a decrease in overall strength and endurance while riding my bike. I ride 6 miles almost every day and have noticed its been harder since starting.
I have finally kicked the habit and it has been three weeks since my last cigarette. I wanted to go into this as healthy as possible and smoking definitely had to stop. I have also been vegetarian for almost 16 months so my cholesterol has been low and I am probably in the best shape/health of my life. I just hope everything stays that way and there are no complications from the HRT. As for my mental health I have been progressively been feeling better. Before the HRT as well as since starting it. Hopefully its smooth sailing from here.
That's about it for now. I will post again when I notice any other changes.
Thanks for reading,
Ava
Wow - Ava, so glad to see this! I helped a friend kick cigarettes years ago and saw how incredibly difficult that was. Some habits and addictions cannot be stopped without a lifestyle change, but once you do there is no looking back other than to know what you have accomplished.
I want to say Thank You as you are already a Gold Subscriber to Susan's. I know not everyone has the resources to donate, but for those who can - this site would have to terminate without the help of those who make this place possible to operate. That's why I donate.
I am nearing two months on HRT, not much physical change but the mental change for me was immediate and awesome. Great to see this is also going well for you.
Kendra
Ava
You have a great story! I love your attitude.
One of the most uplifting conversations I've had thus far was with my oldest daughter. She said that since my revelation she felt she could share of herself with me. Funny how being vulnerable opens doors to other people's hearts...