I'm not really new here, although I may as well be--I was last active on my old account 4 years ago.
As the title says, my name is Sage. I'm 17 and living in Wisconsin, a state best described as the armpit of the Midwest. There's not a whole lot to say about my life given that it mainly consists of social media and daydreaming.
I know most teenagers who show up here are in the beginning stages of self discovery and questioning. That doesn't aptly describe me. I formally came out as trans in 2011, when I was a wee sixth grader dressed in Urban Pipeline with a horrific cheap crew cut. It has been a rough go. Coming out, while possibly the best thing I have ever done for my mental health, destroyed whatever remnants of a relationship I had left with my mom after her ugly divorce from my dad 3 years earlier. She is aggressively Catholic and pigheaded, which didn't make for an ideal situation. Conversion therapy, verbal altercations, deception and manipulation by both parties, yada yada, same old story.
I got depressed. That's not the least bit uncommon for our community, so it's not much of a statement. Over the course of my year or so in conversion therapy I developed an eating disorder as well as a self-injury addiction, which eventually blossomed into full-blown major depressive disorder and suicidal ideation. I ended up in a psych ward when I was 13. It wasn't the magic cure, of course, and the problem continued to escalate. 4 years later I have a tally of over 30 hospitalizations, medical and psychiatric, for SI and ED. Cool life I've got.
At some point I guess I realized that I had only two choices, neither of them desirable. Option one was continuing to press the issue of my debilitating dysphoria and perpetuate the environment of hostility and oppression that existed at home, but to the fullest extent possible live the life I was meant to. Option two was fake it 'til you make it: be the girl the entire freaking world wanted me to be--feminine, quiet, nonconfrontational, conservative, heterosexual.
I chose the latter, and I am so deeply unhappy.
The person others see right away is pretty and traditionally feminine, with long hair and expensive clothes from the Juniors section. She talks in a valley-girl falsetto complete with vocal fry. She talks about being a wife and mother as if they are desirable and inevitable parts of the future. She flirts with straight boys, walks with a swing in her hips, and puts on mascara before she ever leaves the house.
Most of the time, I only exist after midnight, when no one else is around to care. I am not the puppet who uses my name and face during the day. I cry when I get my period. I can't stand to look at myself naked. I am sexually attracted to women. I do secret pushups and deadlifts in a futile attempt to force my shoulders to outgrow my hips. I do anything I can think of to increase my testosterone, including starving myself and stealing T supplements from cis men's bathrooms. My binder is my most prized possession. When I think of myself as a 30 year old woman, I am overwhelmed with disgust and contempt.
I'm so tired of the dichotomy. My life feels empty and unfulfilling and sometimes entirely meaningless. My entire childhood has been spent in a feverish countdown to my 18th birthday, but now that I am 9 months away, thinking about what transition would cost me socially, financially, and professionally takes my breath away. I'm so scared. I guess the real reason I joined here again is to for once not feel like it is me versus the entire world, because often the loneliness feels like it's going to swallow me whole.
Sorry about writing an entire novel, and I'm even sorrier for bringing a simple introduction to such a dismal conclusion. I look forward to seeing you all on the forums.
-Sage
Hi Sage :icon_wave:
Welcome back to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here again, join on in the fun
Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along
Please be sure to review:
Things that you should read
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's Place. It sounds like you are ready to start planing your next move in life. If you want to bounce school or professional ideas off us, we can give you advice that will help your next step go smoother. For not if you are not already aware of it, we have a FTM section (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,27.0.html) that might prove useful. Let us know if there is anything we can help you with.
Hi Sage. Welcome to the site. I really like the name Sage. Very cool.
Julia
Hello Sage, and welcome!
You strike me as very articulate, ambitious and intelligent. You have already experienced so much... and too much in some cases. Words such as "conversion therapy" make me cringe.
You are right about the social, financial and professional risks of different paths you could take. The upside of a calculated risk can be far better than the mediocre alternative. If you are scared at this stage, that just proves you are human. I can assure you you're definitely not alone.
Please do not apologize for writing an introduction from your heart - you are brave for doing so. I think you're the type of person who has a dream, sets a goal, and goes for it. In your recent past some of that was unobtainable for you, and you may have done exactly the right thing by buying time. I hope by meeting people here and exchanging experiences you can make the best possible decisions for your future. Here at Susan's, Wisconsin is next door to Sydney, London and San Francisco.
I am so glad to see you here. See you around the neighborhood.
Kendra
Welcome back, Sage.
A comprehensive introduction, thank you for the details.
When the time is ripe for you, my guess is that you will need to make the T transition. I can't imagine you living on as a fake female.
I feel sorry that you had to suffer through ignorant treatment like conversion therapy. That this is still pursued in this day and age. I am totally devastated that there so many ignorant people out there who would still propose this.
What you have in you favour is your obvious intelligence. You will find your way out of this unenviable situation, and being here is probably one of the best places to support you on your journey to freedom.
See you around!
Hi,Sage and welcome (back). Living the front life like you're supposed to, fulfilling the roles and expectations is so draining. I'm in a similar position of a conservative in the Midwest (Indiana) and having a family career and so on. Our childhood stories are different, but all through high school I lived two different lives, one from morning to night and then one from night on when alone. The night wrote beautiful poetry and amazing art, and the one in the morning was like wtf to it. In the middle of the day that person would start to come out and I'd try my best to shut it down asap. Disassociated from myself best describes it. I cried a lot and felt nothing a lot. I did,a lot of harmful things to myself to try and cope with what wasimpossible..
I am just beginning my journey on this, but I definitely can relate to so much of what you're talking about, though of course not all of it.
-Mariah
And a welcome to this place of things. I can't predict the future, so I greet you in the present and hope that words make you feel more accepted.
But truth be told, that falls on you more than it does us.
I'd say that my arms are wide, but it takes two to make a hug.
Sage
Welcome to a corner of sanity. Your story hurts my heart. I don't have much to add, Sweetie, but it gets better. It really does get better. The world gets better and is manageable. Hang in there and let your SP friends help you along.
Sage
One FYI. today I was in one of the national non-profit thrift stores that has a decidedly Christian bent and passed one of the employees. To say my gaydar went off would to be an understatement. The employee looked male. Short cropped hair, big build, carried herself masculine. I was not up to picking a fight with her. The only thing not presenting male was her substantial chest. And she was just part of the crowd. Things have changed. A lot and despite our present President attempts to use us as political footballs it has not trickled down to the local thrift store.