Tomorrow is six weeks until gcs and I am falling apart. Everything is lined up, all the paper work in, all the testing completed, reservations made, yada, yada, yada. So why am I falling apart. I feel so silly with what I want, no, what I absolutely need just around the corner and I am second guessing every decision I have made. I am regretting that first day that I put on a skirt and met myself. I would be trying to put on his old clothes if I had not given them all away (and if they would still fit). I would be seriously trying to stuff Genie back into her silly bottle but she just won't go! I just can't stop crying. Can some of you gals (or even guys) out there remind me that there is hope and light beyond the surgery table.....please.
Anne
Big hug! A what the hell am i doing moment. Lord knows, we wouldn't have a forum without them. All I know is that lady looking at me from your avatar needs to follow her heart. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Thanks Devlyn, no matter what Moni or Laurie say about you, you are a sweetheart. And now you have me crying again!
Anne
We all have periods where we wonder "what if?" All I can tell you is that they have come fewer and farther apart as I have gone through the process and after GCS they have pretty much gone away completely. I knew that I was going to be OK post-op because of all the encouraging stories I heard from my friends who had been through the process. There isn't a day goes by now that I don't feel that I am blessed to have gone through all I have to be where I am today. Of course your milage may vary but I wouldn't go back if you held a gun to my head. Good girl!!
Whatever they said about me....they're probably right. :laugh:
Hugs, Devlyn
thank you Jess, I know that I am being silly, your words are just what I need to hear. Anne
To doubt is human.
To have doubts is a daily problem for most if not all of us. It is so much easier, in theory, to just comply with the mainstream, if only we could!
In that photo, you look beautiful as a woman, so keep moving a long.
I wish you strength and calmness. Wish I could be there with a bunch of flowers and a smile at the end of the op.
I''l try to remember to remind how good it is next week when I have GCS on the 11th. . . . hang in there . . . it sure sounds like you're more than ready!! :-)
Anne, 14 weeks post op and I'm not saying it's been easy but no second thoughts and being finally past the hardest parts of healing with things beginning to feel normal is just great.
Also I rode my bike again today, not far but it didn't smart as much as it did last week.
So yes it's been worth it. I recommend you don't do one thing I did partly knowing it would keep my mind off of surgery -- I committed to prepare for an art show that I knew would occupy every waking moment of my last 5 weeks before GCS.
Hugs! You too Gail!
It may become the second most important day in your life with the first being your marriage. Pre surgical judders are perfectly normal as well as second guessing everything from setting everything up to your decision. Just try to relax and keep yourself distracted as much as possible. If you need me to tie you up and deliver you to the hospital after you get here, just let me know. I have a nice new bundle of rope and I can borrow the the company pickup to haul you in if needed. ;D
The surgery will be quick an painless and the hospital staff is good. Anything you require to make your stay more comfortable will be provided and if not, we can get it for you. Just think of it as your dream vacation.
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 31, 2017, 09:54:37 PM
Anne,
As long as I have known you, I have not gotten a vibe from you that you are prone to deceiving yourself. You came to the decision to have the surgery under the influence of the trans beast as we all do. I can't say it is the right decision or the wrong one, only you can. You know it is a pipe dream to think the feelings have a chance of disappearing, so going there is not productive. I have a thought about testing the emotions of this thing. Tomorrow, why don't you and Deb pretend that you have decided to cancel your surgery. Go through the motions, talk with each other about what now after you have decided not to have the operation. Play your own devil's advocate. Then look at how it makes you feel. Surgery was right for me. I know how it would make me feel.
My theory is this is the last gasp of the safe and secure past making a last ditch effort to hang on. I can tell you how right doing this has been for me, but that is not you. I would not talk you into doing something right for me but wrong for you.
As for that Devil Lynn, did you ever see a mod stir up so much trouble? Bear hunting in a prom dress, now come on!
PS I am not signing this, so I don't get in trouble, but Moni sends u her love.
Anne,
I'm sorry I didn't see this thread was yours or I would have responded sooner. I haven't been paying as much attention to the forum as I usually would. I've been ummm preoccupied with myself too much.
What I want to know Tia is what happened to that woman the couldn't wait to leave to go get that last letter while I was there visiting with you? You know the one... The one that couldn't contain her joy in getting it and had to see about getting the fax off right away and get it in an envelope and in the mail to the surgeon's office? There were no doubts or fears or uncertainty in that woman I met. And then you have Debi at your side to hold your hand and soothe your tears. You cannot tell me for one second she isn't there for you.
This is what you want. You made it plain to me. You will go and have this done and you will love the results. It is not an option anymore it is what you need to do. AND YOU KNOW IT! And you only have to read Monica's or Or Sadie Blake's or any of the other post op ladies' threads to know it is worth it. Beside you have to set another example for those that will follow you. (You know, people like me)
Now you just stop this nonsense. Go put your big girl panties on and do what you know you have to do.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Anne Blake on July 31, 2017, 06:01:55 PM
Tomorrow is six weeks until gcs and I am falling apart..... I would be seriously trying to stuff Genie back into her silly bottle but she just won't go! I just can't stop crying. Can some of you gals (or even guys) out there remind me that there is hope and light beyond the surgery table.....please.
Anne
Pre-op jitters. Nothing unusual about that.
Anxiety is caused by concerns about post-op pain, post op results or even being accepted in your personal life.
For me, the morning after surgery, I felt much better emotionally, more calm and satisfied.
Quote from: Anne Blake on July 31, 2017, 06:01:55 PM
Tomorrow is six weeks until gcs and I am falling apart. Everything is lined up, all the paper work in, all the testing completed, reservations made, yada, yada, yada. So why am I falling apart. I feel so silly with what I want, no, what I absolutely need just around the corner and I am second guessing every decision I have made. I am regretting that first day that I put on a skirt and met myself. I would be trying to put on his old clothes if I had not given them all away (and if they would still fit). I would be seriously trying to stuff Genie back into her silly bottle but she just won't go! I just can't stop crying. Can some of you gals (or even guys) out there remind me that there is hope and light beyond the surgery table.....please.
Anne
Holy Cow, there's a lot to unpack there. If you're having issues with surgery anxiety that wouldn't be unusual although 6 weeks seems a little early for that. Based on the first part of your post it seems you have a trunkful of other hesitations about what you're doing and where you are going.
I'm no therapist but the last thing I would ever say to another trans person in emotional distress and displaying signs of trans-regret is to steam ahead and get the very surgery they seem conflicted over. Ummm. No, No, No. Slow down a bit. No one is holding a gun to your head. You need to do this on your terms when you are ready. Don't let peer pressure force you into a situation you don't want to be. There are no do overs with this surgery. They can't "Put it back the old way" if you find yourself revisited by the same feelings after the surgery. The real tragedy here would be going thru with it when you aren't 100% ready and committed.
I've seen quite a few people come to the edge, peek over, and take the trail back down to basecamp and regroup.
Sometimes, people need more time to evaluate and decide regarding these life changing decisions and that's OK. There's no light beyond the table if you bring the darkness with you.
If you are questioning your decision, I found a simple exercise that may not remove all the judders but will confirm that you have made the right decision. Think back to how you felt before you addressed your transgender issues and how unhappy/uncomfortable you were. Next remember how comfortable you have become with yourself through the transition process. In my case, I realize there wasn't any way I would willingly return to my former self and even living without surgery was preferable to returning to my former self. As I saw it, the only path open to me was to continue moving forward. Yes, I was very nervous about surgery and I replayed this argument more than once but each time I found no other option.
Your just nerve shot. This is of course the biggest surgery you will ever experince. It isnt something to be taken lightly. However, you have always came across of a reasonable and well adjusted woman. I am just a few miles behind where you are. I expect to be having that operation by Feb 2019 should everything go to plan (waaay to long if you ask me). You my dear, are just in a panic tizzy. I was in on last week, tho for very different reason. I doubted myself and thiught of what ifs and go backs... but i never put those clothes on or even came close. Becasue i know how unhappy i wouldbe and miserable. Just keep going girl, and us our brains as much as your can <3
Identity crises are mileposts on the road of transition. They are going to happen if you are paying any attention at all.
Quote from: Anne Blake on July 31, 2017, 06:01:55 PM
Tomorrow is six weeks until gcs and I am falling apart. Everything is lined up, all the paper work in, all the testing completed, reservations made, yada, yada, yada. So why am I falling apart. I feel so silly with what I want, no, what I absolutely need just around the corner and I am second guessing every decision I have made. I am regretting that first day that I put on a skirt and met myself. I would be trying to put on his old clothes if I had not given them all away (and if they would still fit). I would be seriously trying to stuff Genie back into her silly bottle but she just won't go! I just can't stop crying. Can some of you gals (or even guys) out there remind me that there is hope and light beyond the surgery table.....please.
Anne
Anne,
I had GCS four months ago and labiaplasty last week. There is pain, emotional recovery, and an enormous time commitment to this final step of becoming whole. I would joyfully do it again! My body is as I've seen it since I was a child. My heart is filled to overflowing with gratitude to the surgeons, the nurses, the people who have been here for me every step of the way. You are standing very near the summit of the mountain of transition. It is not far now. Do not be afraid.
Namaste,
Julie
None of this is easy, is it? I wish I had some magic words that would make it easy or at least easier....but I don't, Anne. Based on all your sentient and balanced posts, I know you haven't entered any of this rashly. I suspect you're going through last minute jitters. I hope you'll be okay. You certainly have plenty of good souls here that want it to be. I'm one of them and hope it all falls together for you and your path becomes immaculately clear. I think it will, I really do.
I want to thank you all for your kind words of encouragement, they help a lot. I will get through these not so last minute jitters. I really have no worries about it being the right thing to do and I am not worried about the surgery, I do admit some concerns about the recovery but am fully ready to pay that cost to get past this step in my journey. There are still 5 weeks, 5 days and 23.5 hours until surgery so I fully expect to have some more melt downs and crying sessions between now and then. I have often said that I love the emotional part of this journey, the ability to really feel and care.....just sometimes I don't need to do it quite so much..maybe??? Once again, thank you for caring and I will try to not burden you all during my next dozen melt downs.
I do want to single out Laurie; they are only size 6 or mediums, not truly big girl panties.
Anne
Quote from: Anne Blake on August 02, 2017, 02:46:28 PM
I do want to single out Laurie; they are only size 6 or mediums, not truly big girl panties.
Anne
Sure sure It seems I'm always getting singled out. Thank you ;D
For the record... It's not the size of the panties on the girl, It's the courage of the girl in the panties.
And dang it you best be calling on us when you need a bit of support. That's what we're here for and besides, I know where you live if you don't.
Hugs to you and Debi
Laurie
Tia Ann
I wish there was something that I could say to you that could make all of the doubts and worries you are experiencing disappear but unfortunately we both know that is not a possibility. I am confident that part of what you are experiencing is pre surgery jitters which is common for anyone approaching surgery minor or major. Complicate those feelings with dealing with GCS and it is understandable to feel the way you do. We can only offer our thoughts, suggestions, and prayers for you as you approach surgery, to try and help you lessen those doubts and anxiety. I am not in a position to be able to have GCS so I am not going to try and offer what others who have had the surgery or approaching it can. What I do know is this, no matter whether we are simply transgender non/HRT, transgender with HRT being part of who we are, or approaching GCS we have to be comfortable with who we are. My thoughts and prayers are with you and hope only for the best for you. Hugs
Denni
Okay Anne, you can't read the post before this one and not feel better. You are not made of granite woman, you got to feel the love headed your way. You better smile or me and Laurie will take a road trip and come tickle you til you do.
Love to you my good friend,
Monica
Laurie, it might help if you stop talking about her panties.
OK Moni girl, I give up! Yes I do feel loved. The responses from all have been so encouraging. But I do call you out to get Laurie to drive you out for a visit soon. You should stop and pick up Denni along the way.
Love you all,
Anne
I love that idea! ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay I think it's important to be honest with ourselves. A highly experienced psychotherapist I know, who is herself trans, said to me that there are a lot of very unhappy trans people. I pass that on in good faith and love because I believe it's important we are honest.
Transitioning may not be the panacea to happiness that some in this world hope it will be. For a lot of us there may be other issues going on beneath the surface which we would be as well to address, especially before taking drastic and irreversible action. This statement may not be popular but it's important.
Much love as you find your truth.
Quote from: Mandy M on August 05, 2017, 07:41:11 AM
A highly experienced psychotherapist I know, who is herself trans, said to me that there are a lot of very unhappy trans people.
My experience too. This is not a moral judgment. I think there are certain personality types that are at higher risk for gender dysphoria. Most of the trans people I know are observably above average in intelligence (often highly intelligent) and tend to be rather analytical sorts. Additionally, societal pressures to fit into the box we were assigned can be overwhelming at times.
Mandy & Maddy,
I thank you for your well advised words of caution, I do take them to heart. I also recognize that each of our lives, mine in particular (my self focus is as extreme as most), are not effected by only a single issue. I of course am currently absorbed by my transitional journey but I also see so many issues left untreated or dealt with, finding out what I want to do when I grow up, would be a major one. The key word there is do rather than be. What i want to be is a complete (in my eyes only) a transgender woman as i can be. At my age and place in life I would much prefer to address my continued growth as fully a woman as I can be. Gcs is an irreversible step, but for me, I am confident that it is the correct step. As always, ymmv.
Thank you again for your appropriate words of caution,
Anne
Anne,
It is so good to see you more at peace. I do think people on this site people are mindful that every trans person has a solution that fits best for them. Finding it is often very tough. I don't know about the intelligence level, but it does make sense that being trans is a real challenge and causes one to exercise a good bit of introspection. It certainly throws a wrinkle into anyone plans for a nice, neat, cut and dried life. Caitlyn Jenner is a perfect example of someone who had the world by the tail, except for this wrinkle. It brought her to places of thought that otherwise would not have happened. Anne, I think this definitely made your life make a sudden turn. You (and Deb too), being more of a short timer than me, have adjusted amazingly. As you and I have become friends, and I say this where everyone can read it, I have only grown in my respect for you. I am extremely proud of you. Love you!
Monica
There you go Moni girl, you have made me cry again! I just love this kind of cry, thank you my friend.
Anne
:) :) :) :)