I discovered my spouse is transgender about 6 weeks ago. He's MtF but still using male pronouns so I will here as well. I am a CIS hetero woman and we have been married 20 years and together even longer. When I found out, because of how I found out, I was really upset about the trust being broken. I was also shocked and scared for our future. However, I was surprised to quickly see many of those issues fade, and as we talked and went to counseling, we became far closer. He had, quite honestly, been a jerk for well over 10 years and prior to finding out he was TG, I was considering if we were even healthy together anymore. But after the discovery, he/we had a 180. EVERYTHING got better. We are in love again. The future is still unknown and scary, but we are in the best place to face it together. We vowed to have open communication, honesty, open minds, and kindness.
Today, I found his account here and read through his posts from the past nine years. They were far more insightful than our talks and I was finally able to really see his pain. But I saw something else too. I found things that he has been lying about over the past couple of weeks we have been in this honeymoon phase while I was thinking all was open and honest. Small things, I admit, but to make matters worse, when I asked him about it, he denied the account was his and even further stated that he has never posted here. I am 100% sure it is his account.
So I am sad and hurt and a little angry and most of all, not sure what to do when outright lied to. I can't force him to un-deny it. I also can't force myself to not care. After crying and working through the shock the first week, I completely forgave all the hiding and lying over 10+ years and trusted him 100% moving forward. Now I feel like a chump. And it is such a dumb thing to waste a lie on. I have no idea why he would do it. Is it still part of the repression? Is he too embarrassed still after sharing his inner-most thoughts over the past 6 weeks? Is he still trying to hide something?
I don't want this to be the thing that breaks us but if he doesn't come clean on his own, I am going to have a hard time continuing to trust him. And this path is way too difficult to traverse with someone you don't trust.
Yeah, I know he might see this post and I really don't care. Maybe that is a sucky way to deal with this but I am at a loss. Any insight as to why someone in his shoes would lie about something that trivial? I really want to come up with a good excuse for him but I haven't been able to.
Welcome to Susan's Place. We hide this part of us for years. In my case it was for about 10 year but others on the site have hidden it for far longer. It's difficult for us to open up completely and there are things that we are ashamed of that are even more difficult to reveal. Possibly some of the things your spouse posted are still uncomfortable to reveal and that the reason for denying the existent of the account.
You are far more accepting that many who come to this site but it is going to be difficult for a while yet. If you wish to continue in this relationship, couples consoling would be beneficial as you will need to become comfortable with your spouse and your spouse needs to deal with being more open with you. It will be difficult to accomplish this without a third party because your spouse is still living with fear from the past and will need to learn how to leave that fear in the past.
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Most late onset MTFs discover their orientation while still in relationship and for a variety of reasons they often carry a lot of shame.
I was lucky in that I didn't discover I was transexual until after my marriage had ended (the relationship wouldn't have survived either way). Being single as I realized it I decided to always be open with prospective partners (while still being closeted with the rest of the world). My gf however was quite negative on the subject of transition and for a long time I set aside transitioning for that and other reasons. Knowing her negative feelings I also started HRT without telling her because I needed to establish what effects it had on me without also having to deal with her reactions.
That was the correct choice for me. To this day she doesn't know I was on HRT for a couple of weeks before I told her I needed to start. What I had done was telegraph my intent in as many small ways as I could, growing my hair out in anticipation of coming out generally as feminine, beginning to wear my bras to work every day etc.
Some, maybe most people would consider that a big lie. I considered it a private medical decision. My expectation was borne out almost exactly, when I did tell her, the response was every bit as negative as I'd expected. However I could face it then because I already knew that I needed to continue HRT and that I'd probably need to proceed to vaginoplasty. At the time I was pretty fragile emotionally and I am glad I was able to evaluate my own mental state more calmly without also having to deal with a small meltdown on my partner's part.
I was also able to be assertive, had I felt I was asking her permission, it would have been a different discussion; instead knowing that I needed to transition, at least via HRT allowed me to be fully open when it was time. And that two weeks really sucked for me, I hated feeling deceptive (it didn't help that the one cis friend I confided in felt it was a poor idea, OTOH the trans friend I included in that conversation understood fully).
Ok so long winded comparison there. Today, 18.minths later I'm post op, our relationship has become stronger and we've (just the last couple of weeks) entered in to lesbian sex with open minds. That's a long way from her first response ... "I'm not a lesbian".
Like many couples with a trans partner, most of the things she likes about me were that I was never a typical guy. So with 18 years of relationship, she was positive that she cares for me and wanted to stay together, with a lot of uncertainty about our sexuality post hrt and post-op. Happily, so far that's working itself out.
Now were I in your shoes, some small dissimulation at this point would seem like no big deal. He hid something huge for a long time and clearly got support he needed on this site. Without knowing many details I'd want to suggest you accept some small aftershocks, find a way to talk about them etc.
Hi GalinaRosa, cross dressers used to hide things from there partners, especially if unsure how the partner might take it. Each couple does have a few secrets from each other. It takes time to rebuild a relationship again, if you want it to continue.
Ps it might be not your husbands account after all. World is big and many of us have similar stories
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
My wife knew for some 30 years of my gender issues and even failed experiments towards transitioning only to settle on being "Just a CD". We went through much the same same phases you described when I dropped the T-Bomb on her 8 years ago. She had immense feelings of betrayal (her Hot-Button issue in life), felt lied to, and a ton of "If only......" Yet over time as we had those often very difficult, often very emotional talks, and as I began to slowly heal, she began to see that I wasn't as much of "a jerk" and soon we were even deeper in love then before.
One of the the most, if not The Most, difficult things a trans person ever does, beyond finally admitting to themselves who and what they are and to actually take on the Trans-Beast, is telling your SO. Often this step doesn't happen, the feelings stay hidden, untill a breaking point is reached or a slip up (raises hand on slip up with wife #1). We expect the Earth to open and swallow us up, or a bolt of lightning to vaporize us, a direct meteor strike, or the absolute worse, the SO running off into the night screaming never to be seen again.
One of the most difficult things for us conquer, especially older transitioners with well established life's and bonds, is the lifetime of accumulated Shame & Guilt about who and what we are. It consumes your life. You start life out lying to yourself and others and it follows you through it. It is your Go-To way to escape confrontations. Compensating for being trans I reasoned has been the "Root Cause" of many, if not all, of my major life disasters plus a good handful of others. It also leads to the "Being a Major Jerk" as you try to act like what think a normal/typical guy should.
There were many many unknowns to my wife and I as we looked at the dreams of a shared future, hopes, wishes, and dreams together come under siege. My wife asked me a ton of questions, many of which to this day the answer is the same, "I dunno". We all have dreams, fantasies, desires, needs, and wants. Some are just just fantasies. Some big questions. Some even scary to explore or even think about much less share with such an important person as an SO for fear of it being mistaken as something real or yet to become reality.
I try to be as open and honest now with my wife as possible. It was a skill I needed to learn fast during our time of crises. I worked hard on it out of love for her and the overwhelming desire to preserve "The Us" over what may be just my third time the GD getting to be hard for me to tackle and beat down on my own. Yet, even today some 8 years after dropping the T-Bomb, there are things I try to "Shield" her from. Feelings and thoughts I don't understand enough to even convey coherently. Sometimes things she cannot understand or help with, or perhaps even the center of. The sort of thoughts best explored in the safe confines of my therapists office, TG Support Group, or here on Susan's.
I'll resist the urge to understand the details behind "Found his account here..." It obviously led to his trial and pronunciation of his sentence of "Guilty as Charged". I will just beg the court to consider the extenuating circumstances and show mercy before pronouncing sentence. The defendant pronounced himself Guilty a lifetime ago. I believe "Time Served" is sufficient
UPDATE: I guess my emotion was showing when I went to bed last because he asked what was wrong. I told him. He denied again, then sort of walked backwards out of it and finally agreed it was his. And yes, as you all have mentioned, he was afraid for me to see what he had written. I assured him that everything I read only made me feel closer to him. Mostly his posts were about how much he loved me and how hard it was to tell me. He was very sorry about lying and it is behind us. This morning he said he wants to start thinking about his coping mechanisms and figure out which ones are toxic so we can work on changing them.
To clarify, I read A LOT of posts (here and elsewhere). Kind of obsessively. It is MY coping mechanism. The more I know, the more relaxed I feel. Certain boards have greater interest for me as they tend to discuss relationships more. That is where I found his post. It contained many specific details about our life that cued me in. I wasn't out snooping and I wasn't making any wild guesses. And I didn't confront him in an accusatory way. There was one detail in it about his therapist that was starkly different from what he has been telling me and I wanted to know which was true. I think I said it like, "Hey, are you _____ on Susan's?"
I can deal with some hiding and shielding, to an extent (though our therapist told me to make sure he knew it causes more distance between us), but I cannot stomach bold-face lies. I know all relationships are different, but that is ours. Since he has told me he was transgender, I have been very supportive and never been unkind or turned away. Yes, I have been scared. A lot. But every time he shares more with me, I feel more relaxed, no matter what he shares and no matter how far it is from the future I had once seen for us. A takeaway to TG with spouses: every time you lie, it makes it a little harder to know when you are telling the truth down the road. Ugly thoughts of what you may be hiding or lying about start to surface. The imagination is almost always far worse than even how bad you *think* reality is. Whatever you are keeping from your SO is likely less crazy than what they are making up in their heads in lieu of having any real information from you. And the worst hurt of all, especially if your SO is really trying their best to make it work, is to feel like you don't trust them enough to share the truth.
I am working to see if I can be in a relationship where gender doesn't matter. It is not something I had thought much about previously. But I know I cannot be in a relationship where honesty and openness doesn't matter. It is the one thing I do know. And I know I love my husband very much. If he does read this, I want him to know it publicly. I love the person you have been the last 6 weeks (except that lie last night). And I have never been closer to anyone. Ever. Please trust me <3
How about this: give him the opportunity to come clean about anything and everything without recrimination and judgement. Going forward, everything is out in the open and on the table.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
The reality of it is complex. I'd advise you to see the cloistered, private, closeted behavior as something that was hidden from you rather than a lie. This is not just sophistry but the harsh reality of the situation. For your husband, the need to hide is driven by a myriad of needs and motivations: shame, guilt, his own internal strife over the issue of his TG nature, fear of consequence of public disclosure, desire not to hurt you, desire not to ruin the precious thing which is your marriage, and most of all his love for you.
Internally, I am sure he was torn to pieces over these concerns. Many of us have faced this very same situation. Based on my own experience, I'd be willing to say that the internal pain and struggle is far worse for your husband than any behavior you were forced to endure as a result of it. Not to justify the behavior, but I am sure he viewed the non-disclosure of his TG nature to you as a destructive and consuming lie. I know that is how I felt in a similar situation.
Now that the secret is out in the open, there is real hope for a favorable resolution of the situation. I hope you can find a way to be in an ongoing marriage with him since you continue to be in love.
Steph
Quote from: Gertrude on August 02, 2017, 10:12:00 AM
How about this: give him the opportunity to come clean about anything and everything without recrimination and judgement. Going forward, everything is out in the open and on the table.
I thought we had already HAD this moment. When I discovered he was TG, I was upset at first that I had to find out by accident and he didn't tell me, but I have not harbored any ill thoughts about it. Sure, I am *sad* for him having gone through it alone when I know I could have been there for him, but the past is past and any initial feelings of betrayal or being lied to evaporated for me almost immediately. It was a pleasant surprise to see those feelings could go away so easily.
I felt like we had moved on to a new place, so my original post was just questioning if it was normal for this behavior to continue once you are out and supposedly in a good place with your spouse. I wanted to know too how long to expect this behavior. And the only reason I turned here instead of to him is because I DID turn to him first, gave him a chance to just tell me about it (and pretty sure I was non-accusatory and gentle and supportive) and he lied. I felt like in his mind, that was that, the topic was done, either I believe the lie or live with the fact he lied to me. I knew it would be a thorn in the relationship and would cause distance and awkwardness. But I felt like he was just going to keep denying it so I didn't know what to do.
Thankfully, it is all worked out and we are probably going to be stronger for getting through these bumps in the road. I appreciate all the insight the people here provide. We are probably doing way better than most couples who go through this but it is not easy, for sure. As all of you know, it is not easy to go through life when the future is so unknown. For the spouses who have been in the dark a long time, thinking all the while that their future was fairly predictable, it is a rude awakening. Yes, I know LIFE is not predictable, but I think for most the unpredictableness does not get all up in your face all the time. Bear with the significant others as we get up to speed living like this.
Best wishes to you all. May your love give you courage.
<3
Quote from: gallinarosa on August 02, 2017, 11:38:38 AM
I thought we had already HAD this moment. When I discovered he was TG, I was upset at first that I had to find out by accident and he didn't tell me, but I have not harbored any ill thoughts about it. Sure, I am *sad* for him having gone through it alone when I know I could have been there for him, but the past is past and any initial feelings of betrayal or being lied to evaporated for me almost immediately. It was a pleasant surprise to see those feelings could go away so easily.
I felt like we had moved on to a new place, so my original post was just questioning if it was normal for this behavior to continue once you are out and supposedly in a good place with your spouse. I wanted to know too how long to expect this behavior. And the only reason I turned here instead of to him is because I DID turn to him first, gave him a chance to just tell me about it (and pretty sure I was non-accusatory and gentle and supportive) and he lied. I felt like in his mind, that was that, the topic was done, either I believe the lie or live with the fact he lied to me. I knew it would be a thorn in the relationship and would cause distance and awkwardness. But I felt like he was just going to keep denying it so I didn't know what to do.
Thankfully, it is all worked out and we are probably going to be stronger for getting through these bumps in the road. I appreciate all the insight the people here provide. We are probably doing way better than most couples who go through this but it is not easy, for sure. As all of you know, it is not easy to go through life when the future is so unknown. For the spouses who have been in the dark a long time, thinking all the while that their future was fairly predictable, it is a rude awakening. Yes, I know LIFE is not predictable, but I think for most the unpredictableness does not get all up in your face all the time. Bear with the significant others as we get up to speed living like this.
Best wishes to you all. May your love give you courage.
<3
I think he will have a fear of rejection for awhile which may lead him not to tell you everything. If you support him and convey that consistently, he'll probably stop being furtive and be open. The thing to understand, at least from my point of view, is that living decades in secrecy because of the social consequences, which are more than only your marriage, often leads us to have this dishonesty about who we are affect everything. Imagine being undercover for 30, 40, 50 or more years. It takes time to break old habits. If you're going to be suspicious all the time, it won't help, because it creates an air of guilt and judgement. If you seek distrust all the time, you'll always find it. All I can say is create an environment of openness, non-judgment and communicate often enough that you create trust. It goes both ways.
Quote from: Gertrude on August 02, 2017, 12:40:06 PM
It takes time to break old habits. If you're going to be suspicious all the time, it won't help, because it creates an air of guilt and judgement. If you seek distrust all the time, you'll always find it.
Believe me, I get it. I have been able to let go of all feelings of distrust... as soon as we talk about them and it gets worked out. We did it again last night after I originally posted.
Any point I make here is just that, as much as the SOs have to *get* the hidden place their spouse is coming from, their spouses have to *get* that the thing that causes suspicion (at least for me) is just being lied to and then being denied the chance to talk about it. I don't seek distrust but it is hard to ignore when it bites me in the you-know-where and then won't let go.
I already see this as a positive moment where we both found an issue to be a little more aware of on both ends. We are a work in progress ;-)
I am only continuing to post because I hate reading posts about problems and then never getting to find out if and how they were resolved.
I really applaud you for how right you have this. You deserve honesty and respect. You seem to understand a lot about why it was originally hidden from you and you seem to be willing to move past that. You sound like you are what every trans person hopes for in an SO when they come out. I hope your partner realizes how special you are. I agree with the honesty policy. I made a good choice in telling my SO over 30 years ago. I am glad I did, even though I didn't realize I was trans then. Now that I have transitioned including surgery, I have some thoughts that I realize she could worry about or be hurt by. I love her so I don't want to hurt her. I agonize a little but always tell her. She knows everything and knows she can trust that I will be straight up. Funny how much better she accepts things knowing it is the whole truth. Anyway, good luck to you and am very thankful you shared this.
Moni
PS My partner would hate to be with the old me again. I wish more SO's realized the positive changes that happen when we can be ourselves.
My rule of thumb is to never lie to a direct question. If it has been asked, the inquirer already suspects the right answer and sooner or later will find a proof to his suspicion and it would hurt more than voluntarily come out clean when asked in the first time.
If uncomfortable telling the truth, I'd say 'no comments' or 'neither admit nor deny it' or 'I'm not ready/willing to talk about it'.
As a married trans woman I have a few comments I'd like to add (and no, I'm not the OP's SO).
First, I'd like to applaud you for being able to be patient with your SO. This is a tough time for them, and for you, and working together is the best thing you can do for each other, not matter what the eventual result will be.
When I came out to my SO the response was not as well received, and I got scared, and "went back in" the closet for a few years. I don't like telling lies to my spouse, and so I often dance around a subject. Because I am fairly certain that we will end up getting a divorce once I finally reveal what's been going on with me, I've been advised to make sure my living situation is in order first - finances, debts paid off, look for potential apartments to live in if it comes down to it, etc.
So my advice to you is this: He/she probably is nervous about revealing something because of how he expects you to react to it. If you suspect something isn't true, don't become angered, become open to discussion. I find that the more I discuss something with someone the better a decision I can make about it.
Love and best wishes,
~Ashley.
Quote from: gallinarosa on August 02, 2017, 01:28:16 PM
Believe me, I get it. I have been able to let go of all feelings of distrust... as soon as we talk about them and it gets worked out. We did it again last night after I originally posted.
Any point I make here is just that, as much as the SOs have to *get* the hidden place their spouse is coming from, their spouses have to *get* that the thing that causes suspicion (at least for me) is just being lied to and then being denied the chance to talk about it. I don't seek distrust but it is hard to ignore when it bites me in the you-know-where and then won't let go.
I already see this as a positive moment where we both found an issue to be a little more aware of on both ends. We are a work in progress ;-)
I am only continuing to post because I hate reading posts about problems and then never getting to find out if and how they were resolved.
I think it's always a work in progress until it isn't.
Quote from: JoanneB on August 02, 2017, 08:02:37 AM
My wife knew for some 30 years of my gender issues and even failed experiments towards transitioning only to settle on being "Just a CD". We went through much the same same phases you described when I dropped the T-Bomb on her 8 years ago. She had immense feelings of betrayal (her Hot-Button issue in life), felt lied to, and a ton of "If only......" Yet over time as we had those often very difficult, often very emotional talks, and as I began to slowly heal, she began to see that I wasn't as much of "a jerk" and soon we were even deeper in love then before.
One of the the most, if not The Most, difficult things a trans person ever does, beyond finally admitting to themselves who and what they are and to actually take on the Trans-Beast, is telling your SO. Often this step doesn't happen, the feelings stay hidden, untill a breaking point is reached or a slip up (raises hand on slip up with wife #1). We expect the Earth to open and swallow us up, or a bolt of lightning to vaporize us, a direct meteor strike, or the absolute worse, the SO running off into the night screaming never to be seen again.
One of the most difficult things for us conquer, especially older transitioners with well established life's and bonds, is the lifetime of accumulated Shame & Guilt about who and what we are. It consumes your life. You start life out lying to yourself and others and it follows you through it. It is your Go-To way to escape confrontations. Compensating for being trans I reasoned has been the "Root Cause" of many, if not all, of my major life disasters plus a good handful of others. It also leads to the "Being a Major Jerk" as you try to act like what think a normal/typical guy should.
There were many many unknowns to my wife and I as we looked at the dreams of a shared future, hopes, wishes, and dreams together come under siege. My wife asked me a ton of questions, many of which to this day the answer is the same, "I dunno". We all have dreams, fantasies, desires, needs, and wants. Some are just just fantasies. Some big questions. Some even scary to explore or even think about much less share with such an important person as an SO for fear of it being mistaken as something real or yet to become reality.
I try to be as open and honest now with my wife as possible. It was a skill I needed to learn fast during our time of crises. I worked hard on it out of love for her and the overwhelming desire to preserve "The Us" over what may be just my third time the GD getting to be hard for me to tackle and beat down on my own. Yet, even today some 8 years after dropping the T-Bomb, there are things I try to "Shield" her from. Feelings and thoughts I don't understand enough to even convey coherently. Sometimes things she cannot understand or help with, or perhaps even the center of. The sort of thoughts best explored in the safe confines of my therapists office, TG Support Group, or here on Susan's.
I'll resist the urge to understand the details behind "Found his account here..." It obviously led to his trial and pronunciation of his sentence of "Guilty as Charged". I will just beg the court to consider the extenuating circumstances and show mercy before pronouncing sentence. The defendant pronounced himself Guilty a lifetime ago. I believe "Time Served" is sufficient
I could not explain it better. My wife knew I cross dressed before deciding to move in with me. I never brought it up again but continued to crossdress over our 30+ relationship. As time wore on I alienated everyone to keep my secret safe until last year when I believe I had a breakdown. I promised my loved ones to get to the reason I had become such a strain. Finally acknowledging what I have known since the age of seven. I want to be a woman. Now approaching one year on HRT which I thought I could never start. Thanks to Dana and Kayxo and their encouragement to explore the possibilities. I have now been on HRT for nearly a year and beside a few speed bumps, it has been a mainly positive experience.
I spent so much time lying to myself, first and foremost. So of course I lied to my SO. Because I was afraid. Afraid of losing her. And I was right -- the main thing I kept hidden was a deal breaker, and I knew it.
I didn't lie about things like which forums I was on or anything... no, for me it was my deep suspicion that I might still be heterosexually inclined after all was said and done. That I would want to have properly heterosexual sex with a man. And she couldn't abide, being strictly monogamous. Well, a few months before SRS, nearly two years since I came out to her, a guy flirted with me and ended up stealing a kiss... and I liked it. I told my SO immediately, thankfully. That's when we separated.
Another thing I didn't disclose -- that I had come to the realization, deep into the transition process, that I would need to have some experiences of having a "closed narrative," that I needed to see what it would be like to live "stealth" as they put it, albeit in a compartmentalized fashion. I thought about this for several months before bringing up the subject with my SO, just skirting the edges of it, how people I'd met since transitioning could be so different when they don't know "the story" and of course this just made her sad. (Because she was smart, understanding the implications of such an observation coming from someone like me.)
There was a lot of self deception on my part, too. Telling myself that I didn't really know how I'd feel until after SRS, mainly. Which was technically true; I've met enough people who had surprising discoveries about themselves only after SRS. Or maybe it's only surprising because we kept hoping it wasn't true.
What was selfish of me in not saying these things was not the things themselves (I don't maintain that our needs are "selfish") but rather it was my desire to try and make a doomed relationship work in spite of it all. I wanted to hold on, but all that did was delay the inevitable by a year or so, and that delay was much more to my benefit than hers.
We all have limits, and in most relationships we know what they are for each other. So if your SO is continuing to withhold information from you, just keep in mind that there might be other kinds of things being withheld out of the reasonably held fear of loss, things rationalized away because the implications of them are too terrifying to contemplate, especially overlaid with all kinds of dysphoria, so that it's very easy if not practically honest to say "I don't know" to the really scary questions.
My heart goes out to you and yours,
Sophie
Quote from: HappyMoni on August 02, 2017, 01:57:52 PM
I agonize a little but always tell her. She knows everything and knows she can trust that I will be straight up. Funny how much better she accepts things knowing it is the whole truth.
Moni, your relationship sounds beautiful. I can really relate to how your partner feels. I love that you can recognize and accept her need to know the whole truth. Thanks for sharing.
To all the rest of you who have shared very personal, and likely painful, stories. I really do appreciate it. As terrifying as it is, I feel better understanding where he is coming from and know possible behaviors to expect. I am always battling that I have spent 20+ years *thinking* I was in a 100% open and honest relationship, so my reflex is to still expect that (just as his reflex after so many years is to hide). I told him I will be patient when I think he is lying or hiding and try my best not to take it personally. And he is trying his best to break that habit, at least with me.
Quote from: Sophia Sage on August 02, 2017, 10:51:16 PM
What was selfish of me in not saying these things was not the things themselves (I don't maintain that our needs are "selfish") but rather it was my desire to try and make a doomed relationship work in spite of it all. I wanted to hold on, but all that did was delay the inevitable by a year or so, and that delay was much more to my benefit than hers.
SophiaSage, I think you nailed it in pointing out that the things themselves are not the problem. I have not had any problems with *what* he has shared or not shared. It is the conscious decision to deceive for whatever reason - fear, desire, confusion, etc. It is unfair because one person in the relationship is able to proceed and make decisions based on ALL of the truth and the other is at a disadvantage. I understand why someone does it though.
I love my husband with all my heart and want very much for this to work. I have a lot of hope that it will. Thanks for your support (for me and for all the years helping him while I was in the dark).
I have been married for over 30 years and I told my wife before we were married...me being Trans still caused great disruption to my life and hers because I wouldn`t deal with it, not her. When I went to my first meeting she was the one who did my makeup. Trust has to be there for you both, I never lied to her deliberately and she has told me she doesn`t feel I lied about anything, certainly hid a lot....but we are closer now than we have ever been. I hope you and your partner can work those trust issues out.
I couldn`t agree more with what you have to say. Once my wife understood what I was going through, I was then able to see and understand what she was going through as a result, which kind of happened at the similar times. Both looking out for each other being honest and caring for each other. I am more in love with her and on a deeper level than now I could ever think was possible. Yes it is different than it was but its not a bad different
Having a partner as caring as you, is rare in the big scheme of things and many relationships don't survive. I applaud anyone who stands by their partner when things get tough, whatever the cause.
Quote from: ElizabethK on August 03, 2017, 09:12:50 AM
Both looking out for each other being honest and caring for each other. I am more in love with her and on a deeper level than now I could ever think was possible.
❤❤❤
Have a look at TV series 'Fosters', two women love each other, and try to have some secrets now and then but come clean every time (I guess they aren't able to keep any secrets). Good model for honest and open relationships
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I have been thinking about your thread and have something to add. (People who know me are not surprised by this.) I thought I would bring up something that I see happen a lot with trans folks. They do evolve as things go forward. Your partner may not realize how he/she will change. I thought I could do some minor changes and be satisfied basically not changing my life drastically. Little did I realize then, in my case, that I would have to fully transition. It is important to know that I was not lying about where my final destination would be, I did not know. I see people not need surgery, until some of them do, and feel a desperate need to do it, where before it wasn't apparent to them at all. I don't bring this up to scare you. It is a reality to be aware of. I am so glad you are seeing the positive changes in your partner. My partner says I am happier, more at peace, kinder, more open, and have lost a lot of negatives. I wish more SO's like yourself see the positives that go along with this unusual situation. Take care!
Moni
Moni, I 100% agree. I understand that this is an evolution (not just for him but for me too) and that either one of us can change, him even moreso. I don't expect him to know now what the future will bring. My original post was because I was taken aback to the clear lie to a direct question with a factual answer. (I'm with Elkie on that one). I know sometimes he is afraid of overwhelming me, but I have told him that if I ask, that means that I am ready for the answer (and need it). I would also be completely okay with him saying he is not ready to talk about something. I feel like that should give him a way out of answering so he doesn't have to intentionally deceive me.
I am finding that every day seems to uncover more thoughts and feelings from both of us, more layers, more intricacies, more self-discoveries, more closeness. It is kind of amazing. And kind of exhausting. (which is why, if I get spare time, I will likely sleep, not watch Fosters... but maybe one day... I will make a mental note to check into it)
I applaud you and your reaction. When I came out to my ex she rejected me badly and broke up with me the same night, only to come back together with the condition I didn't transition.
I think every trans person hopes that their SO react like you did, but even then, your partner might need some personal space. A thing to keep to him/herself, at least to begin with.
Quote from: Lady Lisandra on August 03, 2017, 02:26:28 PM
When I came out to my ex she rejected me badly and broke up with me the same night, only to come back together with the condition I didn't transition.
The night I asked him about the women's clothes I found out he had been ordering, I had a bag packed and ready in the trunk of the car. But that was because I thought he was having an affair ;-) That's how in the dark I was, lol. I'm sorry though that you had to go through that. Certainly staying together is not right for all couples, but I cannot see why anyone would not at least stick around to talk about it. I hope you are in a better place now.
Well, one of the things that made me feel sad was the fact that she didn't even try staying for a while. I felt like the only reason for us being together was that she needed a man, not because she loved my person.
But I'm glad that happened. I found a much better partner now, she helped me a lot with my transition.
Quote from: gallinarosa on August 03, 2017, 12:33:21 PM
.
I am finding that every day seems to uncover more thoughts and feelings from both of us, more layers, more intricacies, more self-discoveries, more closeness. It is kind of amazing. And kind of exhausting. (which is why, if I get spare time, I will likely sleep, not watch Fosters... but maybe one day... I will make a mental note to check into it)
This can be very draining to try and sustain that intense level of emotion. Taking time out is a good thing to help you "re-set" for the next new thing to come along... You are doing great ;D
cc
Quote from: HappyMoni on August 03, 2017, 11:09:48 AM
I have been thinking about your thread and have something to add. (People who know me are not surprised by this.) I thought I would bring up something that I see happen a lot with trans folks. They do evolve as things go forward. Your partner may not realize how he/she will change. I thought I could do some minor changes and be satisfied basically not changing my life drastically. Little did I realize then, in my case, that I would have to fully transition. It is important to know that I was not lying about where my final destination would be, I did not know. I see people not need surgery, until some of them do, and feel a desperate need to do it, where before it wasn't apparent to them at all. I don't bring this up to scare you. It is a reality to be aware of. I am so glad you are seeing the positive changes in your partner. My partner says I am happier, more at peace, kinder, more open, and have lost a lot of negatives. I wish more SO's like yourself see the positives that go along with this unusual situation. Take care!
Moni
Yes, yes yes. My wife knew about this before we were married. We even went to a gender therapist. Her understanding was that I was a cross dresser and then this 20 plus years on. She says I changed. I think it's all you said and also the understanding of what what we now call transgender has changed. Transsexual and transvestite are outdated terms in my opinion, but some people still use them. Also, never underestimate the ignorance of the public about this issue. Sometimes it's appalling.
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I came out to my significant other months ago. He also knows I post in a TG forum, though he doesn't know which one...Basically, this is my safe place, it was probably your husband's too, I completely understand where you are coming from but you have to realize that this is the place where he has come for years to be his real self. Give him time to feel just as comfortable with you to share everything without having to read his "personal diary" (which can feel very invasive) and don't pressure him. Just a friendly advice :)
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 13, 2017, 02:03:29 AM
Basically, this is my safe place, it was probably your husband's too, I completely understand where you are coming from but you have to realize that this is the place where he has come for years to be his real self. Give him time to feel just as comfortable with you to share everything without having to read his "personal diary" (which can feel very invasive) and don't pressure him. Just a friendly advice :)
I totally get this. At the time, understand that I *thought* our relationship was such that we had no walls. (I thought that before I found out he was TG, and I had begun to think we were there for real (again?) several weeks after I found out.) I thought we were both comfortable sharing everything, even if we didn't necessarily do it all the time. But after that incident, I am realizing there are many more layers for us to work through. I don't think he even realized it. I think he was honestly shocked at his own knee-jerk response to not think twice and lie. It is all learning new things about ourselves and each other. I am trying my best to be patient :)
(And honestly, there really wasn't anything in the posts different from what he had already told me. They were very sweet posts. <3 )
Quote from: ElizabethK on August 04, 2017, 02:51:42 AM
This can be very draining to try and sustain that intense level of emotion. Taking time out is a good thing to help you "re-set" for the next new thing to come along...
Good advice! We just finished a week at the beach and a anniversary celebration. My batteries feel recharged!
Quote from: gallinarosa on August 14, 2017, 04:09:11 PM
Good advice! We just finished a week at the beach and a anniversary celebration. My batteries feel recharged!
Nice!!! Glad you are feeling better able to deal with your situation. ;)
Quote from: gallinarosa on August 14, 2017, 04:06:51 PM
I totally get this. At the time, understand that I *thought* our relationship was such that we had no walls. (I thought that before I found out he was TG, and I had begun to think we were there for real (again?) several weeks after I found out.) I thought we were both comfortable sharing everything, even if we didn't necessarily do it all the time. But after that incident, I am realizing there are many more layers for us to work through. I don't think he even realized it. I think he was honestly shocked at his own knee-jerk response to not think twice and lie. It is all learning new things about ourselves and each other. I am trying my best to be patient :)
(And honestly, there really wasn't anything in the posts different from what he had already told me. They were very sweet posts. <3 )
I'm glad that things are working out for the 2 of you! You sound like a great wife.
Best of luck!
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