Hey y'all. As many of you saw last week i had another down episode i feared i wouldnt have bounced back from. i was in a state of unrest and a bit of panic from July 20th-27th. It wasnt fun. However, something else is happening..
I think my mind is now actually in a state I want it to be. Since Friday not only have i shed this feeling of doubt, neagtitivey, shame and doubt. But I notice i dont feel like any kind of male it would seem. Like, i feel disconnected from the male world. Each day since Friday I have actually felt my femininity increase. Today I saw a counsellor, and she has noticed new things. Today,as i said i didnt feel male or doubtful, or even dysphoirc about certian things. I just felt like i wanted to feel my whole life, as Ashley. My counsellor told me that when i lose any self sbatage feelings, and can feel purely female i even look better. She picked up that my mannerisms are now actually female. From how I talk, to how i brush my hair away from my eyes, to the wordings i use in speech. The make up and things. The small things added up.
I had no idea that i was already giving off a natural feminine vibe. Those mannerisms, i didnt even notice. I didnt think about it like this, but that is all natural to me. That is all that i do. Whereas i have been worried, paranoid even about any percieved male mannerism slipping out i totally neglecting realizing the female things that were already out. The odd thing? these mannerisms that she talks about, i never ever patterned them off anohter female.. they just came to me as i started to bloom more as a woman. As if they came out overly naturally yet under appreicated. But after realizing them, i connected to them. And i swear to god I am unsure what lit up the room. The lights or my smile. I connected to those feelings and didnt just brush them off as not good enough or it is just whatever. I apprecited them!
My friends haved noted even on my worst days as living as a female, i am still doing better then on the ''best'' days when i lived male.
I havent felt ''him'' (the obsessional disgust of and feeling dysphorically connected to masculinity) in near a week. Consequently this has been the best 5 days ever, and quite the stretch when you factor in I am addicted to worry somehow. But even my other worries that i tend to have that are not remotley gender related have not flared up either. I am quite at peace and content with life. Again I ask, how does this happen.
July 2017, when you cancel out 8 days together has been the best month, probably in my whole life. And all things considered, August is off to a very good start, then againt it is only the 2nd.
Either or, I just want to say this. All my friends keep telling me, and i am begining to fully see it, that each day that goes by i look happier and more content with life. Its also funny, the more female I feel, look and become and allow myself to have her, me!! the less i obsess over gender. I mean yes, i get more excited an focused about planning GRS within the next couple years... but my mind isnt obsessed about it. It becomes a goal, and many other things open up that take my focus too. Its like i saw tunnel vision, no i see the garden. This could be a calm before the storm, but i really have felt things in July, and especially the past week in which i dont feel anything about ''him''. I just feel me.
Just wanted to say this.. and lets hope this stays!! I love these moments.
It sounds fantastic Girl. I can't imagine you not going with the feelings you have now. Are you still in Petawawa? Are you stressed about the move?
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on August 02, 2017, 10:32:07 PM
It sounds fantastic Girl. I can't imagine you not going with the feelings you have now. Are you still in Petawawa? Are you stressed about the move?
Moni
Yes, we are still in Petawawa. We were suppose to have left on July 23rd, but our house did sell so the military extended my moms time here until late September in hopes it will sell in that time. I am very stressed about the move. I dint think I was at first, but talking about it with someone has made me realize that it is playing somewhat of a role in my anxiety. Not totally bad, but still playing a role. I see good thinks from this move :), but finding new job, new dr(s), new friends, ect will be a little hard
Ashley
Hey Ashley! I'm so happy for you!!! It really is true that there are things that go unnoticed for some time, and that sometimes you need someone else to point them out. I was in a very similar place as you for a while there, but I came to the realization that, when I'm talking to someone who is aware of my gender identity, I naturally act more feminine without even trying.
I hope this August is the best August of your life. Please let us know how it goes!
Oh, I'm also another Ashley... Question for you, has anyone ever called you Ash? I have a friend that has done that a few times and I'm trying to figure out how to tell them that I'd prefer for them NOT to do that...
Love, Ashley Rose-Quartz!
Thanks fellow Ashley!! And yes, i get called Ash all the time to be honeest. For me it is absolutey no issue (atleast now), but yes Ashley is a bit better :). Still, doesnt make me dysphoric or upset at all. Its not like I am being fully dead named. I knew this one girl whos name was Francine and yet every one called her by the nick name ''Frankie''. Whereas she liked it, even more so then her bith name if i am not mistaken i wouldnt xD
Nice to meet you!
Frankie is a nice name!! The only man I know of who could really get away with being called Frankie was Frank Sinatra, <3
I'm not sure if it's dysphoric for me to be called Ash, I just associate the name with the main character from Pokémon, the cartoon, and I'm not much like him at all XD
That's all.
Nice too meet you as well!
~Ashley