I feel like its important to write this down as its the first time I've ever verbalised what I've been internalising for so long. Reading other peoples posts has been hugely helpful for me and maybe somebody will find my story helpful to them one day.
For as long as I can remember I havn't been comfortable with myself. I didn't know what is wrong with me, what makes me different, why I don't feel like everybody else perceivably feels. I've been in a few long term relationships with women and I always thought the reasons I felt how I did was down to the fact I may have been gay or bisexual. However, recently after a lot of thinking and self discovery, I believe its nothing to do with sexuality, its due to not being comfortable with my gender.
As a child, I never fitted in with societies set idea for being a boy. Football, rugby and other typically male sports for children never interested me. I didn't like hanging out with boys, all my friends were female and this has continued as a constant thought my life. I was interested in gymnastics, performing arts and anything creative. I loved dressing up and essentially escaping from my usual role as a boy. At home although the majority of my toys were male, I would specifically ask for girls toys which would be my favourites, I even told my parents I wanted to be female but nothing happened and it was never mentioned again.
As I entered my teenage years and began having relationships with girls, I found myself trying as hard as I could to live up to the idea of being one of the lads. I would try and fit in as best as I could, but the key part of that is that I consciously knew that it was an act.. Could have been the fact I had longer hair and wore tighter clothes than most girls! Most of my friends were all female and I would jump at any opportunity to dress as a women but would always play it down like I wasn't enjoying it to keep up my male image. I repeatedly questioned my sexuality thinking that was the cause, as in all of my relationships I was, I guess, jealous of my girlfriend in the context that I wanted to be in the role she was in.
These years were filled with excessive alcohol and drug abuse, self harm and suicide attempts. I left a trail of broken relationships with both friends and girlfriends. I always felt like I needed to run away and was never content within myself. Following a break up with my partner of 4 years, roughly 9 months ago, I moved 100 miles away to a tiny village in the middle of nowhere. I used to have a huge friendship group and over the years I've completely removed myself from everyone. I'm now 25 and its the first time I've lived truly by myself and I've been slowly putting all the pieces of my life puzzle together and realised just how uncomfortable I was with my gender. Since that moment, I shave my legs, wear makeup, womens clothing etc anytime I'm in the house. I'm self employed and work from home so this is often 24 hours a day, for extended periods of time. The part thats been most interested for me is that, is isn't a big deal, It feels completely normal and I've been feeling so much happier within myself. I look in the mirror and can smile!
I've missed so many things out but this has gone on for far too long so I'll wrap it up! I'm going to be moving in a month or so to a city thats far more accepting and with better access to GIC, support networks, etc and will be making a start on this journey, wherever that may lead. Coming to the end of writing this, I feel genuinely happy and almost relived to finally get it off my chest and although I'm not ready to discuss this with my people close to me until I take things further with doctors and therapists etc, It is nice to be able to be open to the world!
Oh and finally, I'm mainly on here to get to know likeminded people, so hello everyone!
Hi thestrays :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
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Hugs
V M
Hello and welcome to Susan's!
Thank you for having the courage to write your introduction and for becoming a member. When I did the same I began to realize - by thinking and writing and then deciding to share and ask questions, I learned so much more about myself. Very often when I write a reply or share something else I chip away at my own cobwebs and learn unexpected things. Exercise feels good doesn't it?
I am MTF. Reading some parts of your introduction are like reading my life in fast-forward. You might notice the footer on my reply contains a brief profile including the year I realized I wanted to be a girl, when I was eight. A few years after that I focused on other things for several decades. Ate too much food, drank a lot of alcohol (quit in 2003), somehow managed to build a good career (my drug of choice is a tax deductible business expense), married/divorced and all that. I had reasons to put my internal conversation on pause for four decades, but one reason was my confusion at an earlier age between gender preference and gender identity, and mistakenly assuming those are always binary. Or for that matter, attempting to satisfy the arbitrary expectations of others instead of living as my true self.
Your description of being able to look in the mirror and smile... Without seeing a photo I know exactly how your smile is. I spent previous decades "smiling" for the camera, sort of like pulling my face with my fingers into a strained grin so someone would finally press the button. I smile naturally now. I can't help it and I don't care because I am far happier than before.
I am looking forward to seeing you around Susan's. I hope to be able to help in my own way, and in turn will enjoy seeing you help yourself and help others. I want more of us to smile naturally, and naturally smile.
Kendra
Thanks for your replies, Its really nice knowing that so many people have been through similar experiences and support each other. I think so many people feel alone, so its really refreshing being on here being able to discuss things without prejudice!
You're completely right about the smile, what you described is pretty much exactly how it is for me!
Thanks for being so welcome and I'm looking forward to getting more involved in this community!
Welcome to Susan's Place. Congratulations on figuring out who you are! That is huge. I am glad you are liking who you see in the mirror.
Good luck on your journey! I look forward to seeing more of you on the forums.
Hi
I'm Laurie, MtF and in transition. I want to take the time to welcome you to the site. (That's a laugh, I have nothing much but time) Welcome to Susan's Place. (Hug) This is truly a good place for folks like us to be. Come on in and take a look around, find a comfy chair and settle in.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Doing so gives some insight into who you are just as reading our comments and stories will help you to get to know us.
Your story is much like a lot of us here. I has many similarities to my own though there are differences too. In my time (I'm older 64) a boy could not get away with wearing anything even remotely female. Thanks to the hippie movement I was able you have almost shoulder length platinum locks, but that wasn't my doing in the beginning. On the day I was going to go home after school then head onto Pearl Harbor base to sit in a barber chair it rained. Because we were unable to do PE/gym outside as planned one of the instructors decided he need to inspect hair cuts and bar those that didn't meet his standards to participant in PE until they did. I went home and told my parents and my dad told me I wasn't getting a hair cut. I spent a few days on the sidelines because of it and let my locks grow. LOL These were the protest years after all but most were protesting our presence in Vietnam. I became a military brat hippie wannabe. It also fit in nicely with my very secretive crossdressing which was then just getting more serious.
Oh well, welcome to Sasan's. I hope you come to love it here as I do.
Hugs,
Laurie