Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've been reading the posts on this site for long enough...  I think it's time that I finally come out and introduce myself. 

My name is Erika.  It still feels kind of strange to say that, and to see it in print, but strange in a good way.  I was born male, am 37 years old and live in San Francisco with my wife and two young children.  When I really think about it, I realize that I've been questioning my gender identity for decades.  But I've unfortunately not been armed with the knowledge or willingness to understand any of that until recently. 

Over the years, I went through a number of secretive bouts with cross-dressing.  Each bout would end the same way, with something eventually triggering me to purge all of my female clothing and to tell myself that I would never return to that "hobby."  For example, I can still vividly recall carrying a giant trash bag of clothing out to the curb as I was preparing to move in with my then-fiancee (now wife), convinced that I would never feel the need to do that again.  At around that same time, I remember that my doctor actually had gender identity questions on his list of standard questions.  I was asked point blank: "have you ever questioned your assigned gender?"  I recall gulping, my heart beating fast, and quickly snapping back, "of course not."  How I lied to myself.  I really thought that my purge had cured me.

Now that I read up on other people's stories, it sounds like many transwomen have experienced similar purges through their lives before something finally throws them over the edge.  I don't really know what it was specifically that triggered me, or if it was anything specific, but the dysphoria reached a fever pitch this year.  Sometime around April, I felt the need to wade into another bout with cross-dressing.  I clearly wasn't "cured" because I could not stop myself... it was something I had to do.  And when I did for the first time, I broke down and cried when I looked in the mirror, realizing that I was looking at the real me.  At around the same time, my productivity at work took a nosedive.  It became impossible to sleep, to work, to be in a good mood.  When I was back to presenting as a male, I became miserable.  The only time I felt like myself was when I was dressed.  I started spending my time at work drawn to youtube videos of transwomen discussing their stories, how they knew they were trans, etc.  I finally came across a video by Dara Hoffman-Fox called "How do I know if I'm transgender?"  She explained that the very fact that you're asking that question shows that you're not on the gender binary that you were assigned at birth, and that you should speak to a gender therapist.  I had no idea that such a thing as a gender therapist existed, but a light bulb went off, and I sought help.

I've been in therapy since May, and I've finally come to terms with the fact that I am trans.  Of course, there's much more to that story than the cross-dressing I mentioned above.  I think of all the time I spent as a child, sure that if I laid down on the floor and stared up at the ceiling hard enough, maybe I could will myself into becoming a girl.  Or the fantasies I had about being kidnapped along with another girl at school, and that the kidnapper (for whatever inexplicable reason) would make us swap genders.  Or my lifelong discomfort with my role as a male, whether it be socially, sexually, or whatever.  The list  goes on, and seems pretty obvious to me only in retrospect.

Shortly after starting therapy, I explained everything to my wife.  This has been very difficult for her.  She has been very supportive so far, but as she explained, she cannot be a cheerleader for journey.  She has also explained that she cannot stand by me if I needed to transition, so I know that her support has its limits, and I am constantly fearful that I will accidentally cross that line at some point.  I am also regularly reminded of her limits.  She refuses to meet Erika – the real me.  I can only be Erika in private, when neither she nor the kids are around.  I see how difficult it is for her when she encounters makeup that I accidentally leave out, or when she stumbles across other evidence of Erika.  She did finally agree to see a picture of me as Erika – which was a huge deal for me, and I am grateful that she took that step.

And now I feel like I'm at one of the most difficult parts of my journey.  My therapist has helped me finally come to terms with being transgender.  And, at this point, my dysphoria when I present as male is too intense for me to handle.  For a couple of months, it helped to have a day a week that I could privately present as Erika, and I could use the energy of that day to carry me through the rest of the week.  No longer.   It's even hard to be happy while I am Erika because I know that there's a point that I have to stop being Erika, and return to presenting the way everyone else wants me to present.  The mornings that I have to get ready for work as male are the worst, and they are especially bad if I have to wear a suit (which I often do).  I'm back to the point where I can't sleep, I can't be cheerful, I can't concentrate.  My work is starting to suffer.  I am becoming an angry parent.  I can't stand the person that I am when I'm presenting as male.  That guy is not me – he is completely unbearable.

If I were single, this is the point when I would start transitioning.  But I'm not single.  I am happily married to a wonderful woman with whom I have an amazing family.  I don't want to lose her.  She is everything to me.  I am scared that I will ultimately have to choose between transition or marriage, which feels like someone is asking me whether I'd rather have my arms or my legs severed.  I don't know where this journey will end, but that's the untenable point of tension where I find myself at the moment.

I'm not the kind of person who usually posts such personal details online.  But it feels good to finally come out and introduce myself to a community that has given me much strength over the past few months.  Maybe someone will randomly stumble across my story, and it will resonate with them, much in the way that many of the stories I've read online recently have helped me come to terms with my own struggle. 

But in the meantime, I'm ready to be Erika, and I guess I just wanted to say 'hi' as her for the first time ever.

Hello Erika and welcome to Susans! All of that sounds eerily similar to my story. We only have one child and are older than you. We went thru the same conversations several years ago and almost divorced but are still together. However, I had to detransition/take care of family business and have been back in the closet for a while now. My wife is happy for the most part but she does not want another woman in her bed. That said she has not kicked me out yet so take heart there may be a silver lining in that storm cloud that you cant see yet. This is not easy for your spouse so try to be sensitive to her needs too. Hope this helps you see you are not alone in this.

Hugs,
Randi

Hi Erica,  welcome [emoji5]. I think your analogy of 'arms or legs'  is a great one,  that our loved ones often sadly struggle to understand. It's good that you've sought out a therapist,  having someone to reflect our thoughts back can be very productive.
I found myself in a similar place when,  like many, I found myself planning an early exit from this life.  Finding myself did cost me my marriage,  but my children still have 2 parents who both love them very much,  and I hope when they are older,  they might understand and be glad of the choice I made to live an authentic life rather than ending it.
Only you can answer the question of what path your life needs to take,  and finding some balance between the needs of your family and your own.

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Hi Erika, welcome to Susan's 💁 I understand how you feel.  Parts of your journey mirrors mine in some respects.  I always knew but I didn't want to believe.  I didn't have as much dysphoria as you so I kept it under wraps.  My wife was aware of my acting out as a female and knew I was attracted to men.  She said keep it to yourself and be safe and it can't infringe on our time.  Now the kids are gone, I'm retired, my wife has gone through menopause and my health care now covers transgender transition.  So I'm now into my first month of hrt with the acceptance from my wife.  Transitioning takes a while for all, my journey is a bit longer but I'm happy.
Good luck, hugs Jessica 🙋🏼

Welcome to Susan's Place. The purge cycles where something very new to me that I discover after joining the site but they seem to be relatively common among the members. In my case, I figured it out at age 13 and I knew what my destiny would be after discovering the newly created treatment program at John Hopkins shortly after. It took until age 30 to assemble everything but I never denied who I was. Possibly it was the fact that I started fairly young or it could be that I was never grounded in a male identity.

Now that you are here, feel free to discuss any problems you may be dealing with. Many on the site are or have addressed problems much like your and can provide you with a good deal of information. Information will be your best tool in dealing with the problems you are facing. Will it all work out? Nobody knows at this point be we are hopeful it will.

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Yeah, you story is typical for an older TG who did not come out young and happened to marry a girl. Unfortunately, who you marry doesn't change who you are, but makes it much more complicated.

On one hand, since you came out, you _are_ open to idea of losing her, don't deny it. So when you said, I don't want to chose between transition and her/children... what would you chose if you have to make that choice... How strong is your need to transition?

Depending on many factors, you may try to negotiate some liberties to you. I don't know your situation, but it can be anything from total caving back to the closet, to some scheduled crossdressing outings, to low-speed HRT transition (with or without wife's knowledge) to 'screw you I'm out' full speed transition. I don't know how flexible is your wife to bend backwards for you and how strong is your need to push her backwards. Think privately what you want and can do to make you content without breaking your significant others life. Maybe gender therapist + electrolysis + low dose HRT? Maybe occasional/regular outings as a crossdresser (with or without help or company of your wife)?

Life is not easy, and it's all about choices, you know. Make a bed and sleep in it.

Hug and love,
Eli


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Hi Erika,

Hello from me, Laurie your self appointed unofficial greeter here. I'm 64 and in transition. Welcome to Susan's Place. ((Hug)) Do come in, come in and join in. I understand everything you have told us as it is very familiar to me. I crossdress for almost all of my life and though I went to libraries (no internet back then) and attempted to research what was wrong with me, I found little useful information so I had to live with the guild and self recriminations knowing I was a pervert, a transvestite or worse. Try as I might I could not stop this abhorrent behavior. I got older, joined the Navy, got married , had a family and through it all I found ways to indulge my needs, My wife was made aware of my crossdressing early on and tolerated it though never accepted it. I'd purge and reacquire my girly things over and over, and hate myself for needing to dress as a woman until I accepted that it was a part of me and something I had to do.
  My dressing caused problems for my family too and like you I was angry, sometimes too angry and abusive, mostly verbally to my family. I hated myself for it. I drank. I became an alcoholic. I did drugs or more accurately I abused drugs. My daughter grew up no longer loving her Daddy and left home when she could. By this time she had stopped talking to me. You mentioned you suffering. Well mine did too I had a period where I got up and dressed as a woman makeup and all as if I was going to work. Then I would have to remove everything and put my work clothes on. I hated it. I was late to work many days. My son who had developmental problem got too big for my wife to handle his violent outbursts and we had to put him in a group home. No longer fettered with the children my wife worked at getting me removed from out home also. Divorce soon followed.
  The next two years or so were some of the hardest years of my life.  I lost my job I'd had for 18 years, then my dad died. I didn't want to live anymore. I came close but could not pull the trigger or step off the stool. Eventually I started try to live a life again and quit the drugs, quit drinking and stopped drinking. Life went on. Through it all I dressed. I look back on it now and can see where a lot of my problems could be attributed to dysphoria at least in part, but I had never heard of it at the time.
  Eventually I found out about gender dysphoria and within a month was doing HRT. I started over 8 months ago and it's been great. I still have my life problems but they don't control me any longer. I'm not as quick to anger. I'm calmer and happier. I'm a transgender woman and beginning to accept myself as a woman. Life is better though I still have life problems I deal with.
  So you see Erika your life wasn't all that different from mine. There are many similarities and not only with mine but with many of us here. Your story is quite common. I hope and pray you can come up with a workable solution that fit your particular needs.
   Should you need to talk we are here for you. We'll help you where we can and hold your hand where we can't.

  Again welcome to Susan' Place we are all glad you are here.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thanks everyone for the warm reception, and for sharing your similar stories.  It feels nice not to be alone anymore.

Erika


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The only way I could deal with it was to totally shut it down.  No halfway measures. No thinking about it. Period. Put it in a steel box and wrap big chains and padlocks all round it.

That strategy worked better back in the old days.  But today it's not really so feasible.  Every day it seeps deeper and deeper into the culture and one is constantly exposed to positive role models of transgender women who are not only making it work for them but also absolutely rocking it.

I have nothing but respect and admiration for you're valiant effort to hold your family together by sacrificing your own needs. But in the end it is what it is.  The heart wants what the heart wants.

When the straw finally broke the camel's back and I came out at Thanksgiving dinner 2015, that night I went home, wept and sobbed and for the first time said 'I'm sorry' finally apologizing to my female self for all the years that I had denied her.  My transition had begun.

Best of luck to you on your journey fellow traveler.

Hi Erika  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Welcome aboard Erika!!!....

I live right down the coast in the Monterey area... I am fully transitioned and living an amazing life... If I can ever be on help along the way, please don't hesitate to let me know!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley :)

I'm new to accepting myself as well. Right now my main focus is managing symptoms. I'm trying to reduce my stress while I figure this out. Maybe this idea helps.