In short how did you do it?
My wife knows I'm trans and it seems ever so slowly she is becoming accepting of it. :)
I want to tell my best friend, I feel like she'll be cool with it but I just don't know what to say. More over should I tell anybody before I see my GP?
I rarely see my siblings so right now I'm slightly less concerned about how they would take it. Any advice is greatly appreciated. xx
Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk
Firstly you have to accept that if you tell anyone then there is no going back.
There are no such things as secrets.
I was told that it was a Hell's Angel saying that two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead.
So I would follow through to your GP etc and decide if this is the path you wish to follow. Of course you can discuss anything here and we will try and support you.
Cindy
Thank you for the advice Cindy, I'll give myself just a little more time to decide how best to proceed. x
Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk
Cindy is totally right. It doesn't matter if a person is a friend or family, someone coming out as trans is something people can't seem to keep from blabbing to everyone. It's pretty pathetic that in 2017 being trans is still like " scandalous".
Julia
After I told my wife, I told a friend that I knew I could trust with my life. She works with trans kids, so I knew it would be safe to trust her: she gets it. But many others don't. Cindy's advice is sound.
Thanks Julia and Kathy. I'm very careful with who I tell what. The friend I mentioned I can trust with anything I say. Tbh I've always thought it's more important to have a few good friends than a lot who might only really be acquaintances. x
Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Cindy on August 18, 2017, 03:45:24 AM
Firstly you have to accept that if you tell anyone then there is no going back.
There are no such things as secrets.
I was told that it was a Hell's Angel saying that two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead.
So I would follow through to your GP etc and decide if this is the path you wish to follow. Of course you can discuss anything here and we will try and support you.
Cindy
Benjamin Franklyn said that.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Sam79 on August 18, 2017, 03:02:02 AM
In short how did you do it?
My wife knows I'm trans and it seems ever so slowly she is becoming accepting of it. :)
I want to tell my best friend, I feel like she'll be cool with it but I just don't know what to say. More over should I tell anybody before I see my GP?
I rarely see my siblings so right now I'm slightly less concerned about how they would take it. Any advice is greatly appreciated. xx
Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk
I was in a similar place. My wife got pissed when I told my best friend. Secrets are toxic as is inauthenticity. That's something SO's need to understand.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
In most cases with friends and family I've just come out and told them that I needed to speak with them about something and then dropped the bomb. My wife was the first person I told, that was the hardest. After that I told a couple of close friends and sat down with my supervisor & HR at work. In the last month we've started telling in-laws and the one of my three siblings who get along with. The rest of my family who I'm not on good terms with will get letters in the next couple of months, I've decided it will be best to present the information in a way that won't leave me to attack.
Quote from: Gertrude on August 18, 2017, 08:11:20 AM
I was in a similar place. My wife got pissed when I told my best friend. Secrets are toxic as is inauthenticity. That's something SO's need to understand.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
How would you feel if she shares this secret with her best friend (she also needs an outlet to vent her emotions about having transgender husband, you know)? And then her best friend shares it with someone too?
Fortunately, I had been separated from my ex-wife for about three months when I told her. My therapist suggested I write a letter and enclose a picture of me. I handed the letter to my ex and said to open it later that night.
I got an email that night saying she supported me 100%...but that all changed once I began living full time. We've not seen each other since 2007. As expected, she's embarrassed and ashamed of me.
Oh well
Quote from: elkie-t on August 18, 2017, 09:03:07 AM
How would you feel if she shares this secret with her best friend (she also needs an outlet to vent her emotions about having transgender husband, you know)? And then her best friend shares it with someone too?
She already did. I got over it pretty quick.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
One week after my coming out to the hospital department where I work, the number of visits to my LinkedIn profile jumped almost 200%, almost half of them from people from another hospital where I used to work. Many of them left nice messages of support, but others probably just took a look, "just to see if it's true." Curiosity is part of human nature.
From the moment I came out I told my boss: "Look, I know that leaks will be inevitable, but it's okay. I'm prepared to deal with that."
Someone contemplating coming out to someone outside her hardcore acquaintances (parents, SO) should be prepared for that. There will be looks, comments, questions, chuckles... And I will answer with lots of equanimity, stoicism and patience. But let me also tell you something: so far, I'd say that >95% of the people who I came out to reacted in a very positive and supportive way. [emoji4]
P.S. I'm glad I don't have a Facebook account! [emoji28]
Hugs, Sarah
Sent from my SM-T810 using Tapatalk
I changed Xing first (A German version of LinkedIn), a few weeks after coming out. Xing apparently notified all my contacts about the change an I did have crazy profile views along with many encouraging comments.
I changed LinkedIn a few weeks later and disabled notifying my contacts. So far no comments...
Facebook is still on my todo list.
I do agree: once you come out outside of your small personal circle, news spreads and people talk about it. I did get contacted by quite a few former co-workers who heard the rumors :-)
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 18, 2017, 09:34:46 AM
One week after my coming out to the hospital department where I work, the number of visits to my LinkedIn profile jumped almost 200%, almost half of them from people from another hospital where I used to work. Many of them left nice messages of support, but others probably just took a look, "just to see if it's true." Curiosity is part of human nature.
Sent from my SM-T810 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 18, 2017, 09:34:46 AM
One week after my coming out to the hospital department where I work, the number of visits to my LinkedIn profile jumped almost 200%, almost half of them from people from another hospital where I used to work. Many of them left nice messages of support, but others probably just took a look, "just to see if it's true." Curiosity is part of human nature.
From the moment I came out I told my boss: "Look, I know that leaks will be inevitable, but it's okay. I'm prepared to deal with that."
Someone contemplating coming out to someone outside her hardcore acquaintances (parents, SO) should be prepared for that. There will be looks, comments, questions, chuckles... And I will answer with lots of equanimity, stoicism and patience. But let me also tell you something: so far, I'd say that >95% of the people who I came out to reacted in a very positive and supportive way. [emoji4]
P.S. I'm glad I don't have a Facebook account! [emoji28]
Hugs, Sarah
Sent from my SM-T810 using Tapatalk
Sarah hearing this is very encouraging thank you. xx PS: I don't use Facebook either.
Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk
Here I thought I was the only one without Facebook, nor Twitter, Instagram or any other social sites...unless you count this site as social media.
Quote from: NJOttawa on August 18, 2017, 11:46:17 AM
Here I thought I was the only one without Facebook, nor Twitter, Instagram or any other social sites...unless you count this site as social media.
I have no social media either. Deleted it all.
I have two fb accounts. One of them will go away eventually. I wish I could merge them. I have LinkedIn and google too. We'll see.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I came out to my second wife shortly before we married, and it's been good, she's gone with me to a couple support group meetings, and apart from asking me not to bring her family in yet (which I do totally get) has been understanding and supportive. Not long after, I came out to a couple friends via online message. Pretty close to no reaction, but I rarely see them in person anyway. Then, a couple months ago, my 12 yo daughter came out as bi, and as a show of support, I outed myself to her mom and my dad. Neither of them has ever seen me en femme, so I guess the muted non-response shouldn't be a surprise.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Hi, Sam79,
Very timely topic for me. On top of the incredible shock and stress this week of my Dad's suicide, I basically HAD to "come out" to my siblings this week. I had already discussed it with my wife after gradually revealing a female presentation to her over the past few years. We're soulmates, having just celebrated our 34th anniversary together and surviving a lot of very hard times together. I can tell she's uncomfortable, but she's putting up a good front, seems okay and is supportive. I learned from my sister-in-law via email this week that the family had been talking about "Tommy" changing her name to "Tommie" on social media and using that name on my blog. Honestly, I kinda rolled that out there on purpose, along with my pierced earrings, to ease into coming out, if that's possible. I don't care how you go about it, it's traumatic emotionally. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I confirmed it individually, not as a group. To my relief, my conservative family expressed their love and support. The sister-in-law I mentioned privately admitted to me that she was excited for me, and that she had "non-binary" feelings, her words, which she had been exploring for a long time. Now, we're close sisters, ha, and I'm keeping her secret! You just never know. The reason I felt I had to come out is that we were all together, which never happens, because of my Dad's death. It was obvious that my gender identity and sexual orientation (I was presenting as feminine androgynous, not fully female) was the elephant in the room and a bit of a distraction from grieving and honoring our sweet Dad. I'm mentally exhausted but so relieved. I did lose a long-time best friend I came out to, though. I'm not responsible for another's reaction, and I know I'll make new friends more aligned with my authentic self. I'm so thankful for this forum and how it's helping me cope with everything.
Much, much love your way,
Tommie
Quote from: Tommie_9 on August 18, 2017, 06:26:03 PM
Hi, Sam79,
Very timely topic for me. On top of the incredible shock and stress this week of my Dad's suicide, I basically HAD to "come out" to my siblings this week. I had already discussed it with my wife after gradually revealing a female presentation to her over the past few years. We're soulmates, having just celebrated our 34th anniversary together and surviving a lot of very hard times together. I can tell she's uncomfortable, but she's putting up a good front, seems okay and is supportive. I learned from my sister-in-law via email this week that the family had been talking about "Tommy" changing her name to "Tommie" on social media and using that name on my blog. Honestly, I kinda rolled that out there on purpose, along with my pierced earrings, to ease into coming out, if that's possible. I don't care how you go about it, it's traumatic emotionally. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I confirmed it individually, not as a group. To my relief, my conservative family expressed their love and support. The sister-in-law I mentioned privately admitted to me that she was excited for me, and that she had "non-binary" feelings, her words, which she had been exploring for a long time. Now, we're close sisters, ha, and I'm keeping her secret! You just never know. The reason I felt I had to come out is that we were all together, which never happens, because of my Dad's death. It was obvious that my gender identity and sexual orientation (I was presenting as feminine androgynous, not fully female) was the elephant in the room and a bit of a distraction from grieving and honoring our sweet Dad. I'm mentally exhausted but so relieved. I did lose a long-time best friend I came out to, though. I'm not responsible for another's reaction, and I know I'll make new friends more aligned with my authentic self. I'm so thankful for this forum and how it's helping me cope with everything.
Much, much love your way,
Tommie
Thanks for posting Tommie, so sorry to hear about your dad it must be a terrible thing to deal with. I'm glad your family are dealing with your coming out well, I can only hope mine receive the news half as well. Good luck with everything xx
Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Sam79 on August 18, 2017, 03:02:02 AM
In short how did you do it?
I agree with what many of the others have said... always assume when you tell one person whom you trust that you may be telling the world.
It's not that there isn't a time to risk telling a secret with the hope you have a true friend... I personally think it's great to take a dip into that pond when you feel it's right. The question for each is what does "when you feel it's right" mean? I don't think it means when you feel exhilarated or euphoric in early transitional stages (which it sounds like you're beyond). Those moments can affect one's perception into having them over commit and trust too early and/or with the wrong people.
I think some transitioners can share too hastily with the notion there's ultimately nothing wrong with it, and so-n-so is trustworthy, but are disillusioned afterwards. Being patient, working to summon wisdom, is really the way. It sounds like that's exactly what you're doing.
I was personally petrified at early times in my transition, while also possessing spurts of an ever-growing "who cares?" attitude. It's as if my way forward was to deal with my fear by taking dives that scared me but I knew I wanted to be past the fears because... after all... what's the big deal anyway? In all cases, though, I always figured if the world knew, who cares?
Another way to express my experience here is, even though I had fears and therefore sort of really cared and was scared about who knew, I found myself taking action and dealing with those fears by accepting the world knew. I feel I'm fairly strong against marginalization and that sort of thing... so my litmus test for when to take dives of sharing could be more haphazard... I don't need anybody who's a jerk amidst my truth despite my having fears of experiencing those theoretical "jerks" thinking such of me... I think generally nobody wants to be disliked by others... it can be a scary prospect...
Anyway, the "who cares" attitude in me grew larger and larger and won over time yet I've had down times from the part of me who cared what others think... those have so far been fewer than the wins... at least so far...
I think folks need to be honest about what they can handle... and perhaps a good way might be to ask how you'd feel if your supposed trusting friend turned out to be completely untrusting. If you see a way of managing that, then it's probably okay to share. I think the real problem comes from folks sharing too much in a hasty manner perhaps founded on early transition euphoria... a great day has them telling the world and then they wake up and see who is who... so to speak. It sounds like you're considering things carefully so I see that's not you.
Best of luck with it... sounds like you're going to be just fine.
Quote from: Ashley3 on August 19, 2017, 03:30:33 AM
I agree with what many of the others have said... always assume when you tell one person whom you trust that you may be telling the world.
It's not that there isn't a time to risk telling a secret with the hope you have a true friend... I personally think it's great to take a dip into that pond when you feel it's right. The question for each is what does "when you feel it's right" mean? I don't think it means when you feel exhilarated or euphoric in early transitional stages (which it sounds like you're beyond). Those moments can affect one's perception into having them over commit and trust too early and/or with the wrong people.
I think some transitioners can share too hastily with the notion there's ultimately nothing wrong with it, and so-n-so is trustworthy, but are disillusioned afterwards. Being patient, working to summon wisdom, is really the way. It sounds like that's exactly what you're doing.
I was personally petrified at early times in my transition, while also possessing spurts of an ever-growing "who cares?" attitude. It's as if my way forward was to deal with my fear by taking dives that scared me but I knew I wanted to be past the fears because... after all... what's the big deal anyway? In all cases, though, I always figured if the world knew, who cares?
Another way to express my experience here is, even though I had fears and therefore sort of really cared and was scared about who knew, I found myself taking action and dealing with those fears by accepting the world knew. I feel I'm fairly strong against marginalization and that sort of thing... so my litmus test for when to take dives of sharing could be more haphazard... I don't need anybody who's a jerk amidst my truth despite my having fears of experiencing those theoretical "jerks" thinking such of me... I think generally nobody wants to be disliked by others... it can be a scary prospect...
Anyway, the "who cares" attitude in me grew larger and larger and won over time yet I've had down times from the part of me who cared what others think... those have so far been fewer than the wins... at least so far...
I think folks need to be honest about what they can handle... and perhaps a good way might be to ask how you'd feel if your supposed trusting friend turned out to be completely untrusting. If you see a way of managing that, then it's probably okay to share. I think the real problem comes from folks sharing too much in a hasty manner perhaps founded on early transition euphoria... a great day has them telling the world and then they wake up and see who is who... so to speak. It sounds like you're considering things carefully so I see that's not you.
Best of luck with it... sounds like you're going to be just fine.
Thanks Ashley, that's kind of you. Those are wise words and yes I'm not in a euphoric state. I'm not sure I ever was, just accepting and careful really. xx
Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Tommie_9 on August 18, 2017, 06:26:03 PM
Very timely topic for me. On top of the incredible shock and stress this week of my Dad's suicide, I basically HAD to "come out" to my siblings this week
I'm so sorry to hear that Tommie. That's a terrible thing to happen at any time but I can't imagine how much extra emotional stress & anxiety that must have created at this point in your life
My thoughts are with you
Charlotte x
Kinda like Cindy said... There are no Do-Overs.
So choose wisely Grass Hopper.
If you do not yet know ABSOLUTELY where you are on the spectrum and how where that is "May" have an affect on them.... Why?
OK OK... I've wrestled this too. You are Only As Sick as your Secrets... I want to feel Genuine. And my wife saying "Are you F'ng CRAZY? Why?"
How important is it To You... for them to know what you are struggling with? If you find a means to mange the GD while preserving the facade.... What purpose does it serve?
If it is, or becomes, important, you tell them and hope for the best, expect the worse... in time
Quote from: JoanneB on August 19, 2017, 08:01:08 PM
Kinda like Cindy said... There are no Do-Overs.
So choose wisely Grass Hopper.
If you do not yet know ABSOLUTELY where you are on the spectrum and how where that is "May" have an affect on them.... Why?
OK OK... I've wrestled this too. You are Only As Sick as your Secrets... I want to feel Genuine. And my wife saying "Are you F'ng CRAZY? Why?"
How important is it To You... for them to know what you are struggling with? If you find a means to mange the GD while preserving the facade.... What purpose does it serve?
If it is, or becomes, important, you tell them and hope for the best, expect the worse... in time
Or give them a fashion show
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Gertrude on August 19, 2017, 10:09:46 PM
Or give them a fashion show
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
[emoji1], that would be one heck of a way to do it. xx
Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk
Quote from: JoanneB on August 19, 2017, 08:01:08 PM
Kinda like Cindy said... There are no Do-Overs.
So choose wisely Grass Hopper.
If you do not yet know ABSOLUTELY where you are on the spectrum and how where that is "May" have an affect on them.... Why?
OK OK... I've wrestled this too. You are Only As Sick as your Secrets... I want to feel Genuine. And my wife saying "Are you F'ng CRAZY? Why?"
How important is it To You... for them to know what you are struggling with? If you find a means to mange the GD while preserving the facade.... What purpose does it serve?
If it is, or becomes, important, you tell them and hope for the best, expect the worse... in time
Right now, I guess they don't need to know but it does feel like it's only a matter of weeks or months before something has to give. My GD kind of arrives in waves but each one is a little more pronounced than the last. Thank you Joanne your perspective gives me a little more to think about. xx
Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk
I told first to one close friend and she was like... Okay. That's fine. You have to love yourself and stuff, but I don't feel much confidence.
So I told another friends and they were pretty amazing. And then... After a week, I decided to tell my boyfriend. And he is the best man in the world. He comforted me. I told him via WhatsApp after telling him for days that was something wrong with me but I wanted to talk in person (he's in his town with his parents and family) - until the day I couldn't hold it anymore.
I sent a big message telling everything that I was feeling and thinking and he just said: I love you for who you are, not for how you look or present yourself. It was harsh, I cried a looooooot, but it was lovely.
Quote from: Sam79 on August 18, 2017, 03:02:02 AM
In short how did you do it?
My wife knows I'm trans and it seems ever so slowly she is becoming accepting of it. :)
I want to tell my best friend, I feel like she'll be cool with it but I just don't know what to say. More over should I tell anybody before I see my GP?
I rarely see my siblings so right now I'm slightly less concerned about how they would take it. Any advice is greatly appreciated. xx
Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk
I just told everyone that i see on a weekly basis. I cant say there's an easy way, some people won't take it well but they just don't understand what its like, and they may never. Just remember to be true to yourself and remember they may not understand but if they love you and are worth keeping around they'll accept you anyways.
Sent from my SM-G925R4 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Serana95 on August 21, 2017, 02:50:37 AM
I just told everyone that i see on a weekly basis. I cant say there's an easy way, some people won't take it well but they just don't understand what its like, and they may never. Just remember to be true to yourself and remember they may not understand but if they love you and are worth keeping around they'll accept you anyways.
Sent from my SM-G925R4 using Tapatalk
If only I was so bold. [emoji3] xx
Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk
Quote from: JoanneB on August 19, 2017, 08:01:08 PM
...Why? ... How important is it To You... for them to know what you are struggling with? If you find a means to mange the GD while preserving the facade.... What purpose does it serve? ...
Great point... I've found asking Why? about any of this stuff is really helpful... I find it's all to easy for me to assume the Why? is just obvious but when I stop and ask myself and think about the question, sometimes I find it's just not necessary to deal with xyz. Deeply thinking about the Why also seems a good way to curb seeking something else under the guise of sharing one's secret. (...not that anybody is doing that here... it just seems a good self-check as emotions and needs can be tricky sometimes, especially through transition I feel.)
Quote from: JoanneB on August 19, 2017, 08:01:08 PM
Kinda like Cindy said... There are no Do-Overs.
So choose wisely Grass Hopper.
If you do not yet know ABSOLUTELY where you are on the spectrum and how where that is "May" have an affect on them.... Why?
OK OK... I've wrestled this too. You are Only As Sick as your Secrets... I want to feel Genuine. And my wife saying "Are you F'ng CRAZY? Why?"
How important is it To You... for them to know what you are struggling with? If you find a means to mange the GD while preserving the facade.... What purpose does it serve?
If it is, or becomes, important, you tell them and hope for the best, expect the worse... in time
Authenticity. The façade is like carrying a 200lb sack of crap on ones back. For me, I want to be and feel like a human being. Now I feel like a fraud.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk