So I was wondering how far people go to labeling their non-binary identity, and how confident they feel about the way they identify?
For example, I'm assuming most people in this section of the boards are fairly sure they are non-binary, or at least curious enough to hang around either way. However, when it comes to labels like genderqueer, genderfluid, transmasculine, transfeminine, demigirl, demiboy, umm...I know there's plenty I've forgotten here, but do people find it helpful to apply these labels with regards to feeling more secure in their identity?
If my question sounds a little weird, I'm sorry, but I'm not very good at wording things! It's not that I don't understand how these secondary terms help define aspects that 'non-binary' doesn't necessarily indicate, but I'm finding it difficult to know which - if any - I should apply to myself, and if it's ultimately helpful or just more anxiety inducing.
Personally, I feel like I'm gender fluid but mainly want to present masculine, although not always in a 'traditionally male' way, and even when I want to dress more feminine I dislike female pronouns and don't feel female...so I feel like I hop between quite a few of these subcatagories like the wind (transmasculine/demiboy/genderfluid/genderqueer), and then I just end up feeling like I don't know myself or who I am. Which in itself is fine, it's ok to question, there's never really an end to that process to a certain degree... but everyone needs a certain amount of security, and I feel like I'll never feel comfortable in my skin if I can't (at least in the moment) say with some confidence "I am ____ ".
I'd really like to hear others opinions on how they came to define their non binary identity, and what terms they choose to use.
Thanks in advance!
People keep exalting non-binary identities.
To me, what you are describing is feeling like a gender non-conforming boy. You can even call that a demiboy if you will, tbh, nobody even knows where the binary gnc ends and the nb begins.
I use a tons of labels , but only for my personal knowledge of myself, I sometimes use synonymous.
I use schrodigender, agender, quoigender, non-binary, indefinite, Transgender, gender variant, genderqueer, etc
For my expression I use genderqueer, androgynous, unisex, neutral, gender variant, etc
I tend to like umbrella terms more, I love gender variant bc it's the master umbrella for people who don't follow societies' gender rules.
For me it was an exhausting journey. First I thought I was genderfluid but knew that didn't feel right as I didn't feel any part of me was female at all and just scared to admit I was male. Then I used the term trans man but knew deep inside that didn't feel right as I don't know what's it like to feel completely male. After starting T I felt better mentally and could think clearly so finally admitted to myself I'm nb. It's not just that I'm 'gender non conforming'; I feel uncomfortable when ever someone sees or refers to me as male; same if someone were to sees or refers to me as female; although nowhere near as strongly. But the nagging dysphoria is still ever present. After a while I felt drift less finding no labels which truly felt like me. I thought maybe agender was close but I still felt male and obviously you can't be both; right? Then I randomly discovered the word demi male and it was like an epiphany moment. I finally understand now what people mean when they say labels help them to feel complete and part of a community. So I feel around 90% male and the rest agender. I feel good just saying I'm nb and I'm part of this vast inclusive trans community which prove that they're aren't just two genders; gender is a fascinating spectrum.
Just the other week I got my first tattoo of 2 flowers; one in the trans flag colours and one in the demi male flag colours; with the words 'they/them' in the centre. So you could say I'm pretty committed now :D
Hard as it is I'd say just don't swear it trying to find a label. One day you'll come across something that feels right. There's also nothing wrong with just being nb with no specific label; just like you can call yourself queer without having a specific label for your sexuality.
Btw welcome back ti the forum :)
I came to the label "agender" independently before googling it and discovering it was actually a thing other people use. I've never felt any kind of connection to either binary gender, and before I learned about being non-binary, I spent the first 18 years of my life believing everyone else was just faking gender because it never made any sense to me.
I often feel like the odd person out among non-binary people because I've never really struggled with my identity. I've known from a very young age. I just didn't have the language to describe it. Having the label hasn't changed my identity or my understanding of it, but it does allow me to discuss it with other people much more easily.
Quote from: Undead Cat on August 24, 2017, 10:18:02 AM
I use a tons of labels , but only for my personal knowledge of myself, I sometimes use synonymous.
I use schrodigender, agender, quoigender, non-binary, indefinite, Transgender, gender variant, genderqueer, etc
For my expression I use genderqueer, androgynous, unisex, neutral, gender variant, etc
I've never heard of schrodigender before - that's an awesome word! I agree that umbrella terms are easier a lot of the time. 'Gender variant' has a lot of freedom within it.
Quote from: Elis on August 24, 2017, 01:20:52 PM
I thought maybe agender was close but I still felt male and obviously you can't be both; right? Then I randomly discovered the word demi male and it was like an epiphany moment. I finally understand now what people mean when they say labels help them to feel complete and part of a community. So I feel around 90% male and the rest agender. I feel good just saying I'm nb and I'm part of this vast inclusive trans community which prove that they're aren't just two genders; gender is a fascinating spectrum.
Demimale is a term I find quite a lot of affinity with also. Sometimes it's confusing, in that I might have a day where I express more feminine but still feel male in identity, so by using the term demimale (at least for me) that allows me to keep my masculine non binary identity, whilst feeling able to express in not wholly masculine ways? If that makes sense? Still feeling things out though, and the only term I can confidently say is non-binary and then qualify with "but float in the area between gender-neutral to masculine" :P I also feel like the term 'queer' is nice and all-encompassing, if a little vague. It's like a cosy jacket in the confusion... I like that all it really implies is 'not cis/heteronormative' so people can't really turn around and say "no you're not X". I realise I'm starting to sound a little defensive here! Do I really live in this much fear of people's opinion or validation of my identity??
p.s Thanks for the welcome back! Your tattoo sounds awesome :) I'm getting all excited for a Pride March in Cardiff tomorrow...hoping to get some non-binary flag waving action in (if I can fashion such a thing in time).
Quote from: widdershins on August 24, 2017, 09:38:09 PM
I often feel like the odd person out among non-binary people because I've never really struggled with my identity. I've known from a very young age. I just didn't have the language to describe it. Having the label hasn't changed my identity or my understanding of it, but it does allow me to discuss it with other people much more easily.
This is just me thinking out loud here, but perhaps because you sit more clearly outside of gender (i.e not feeling genderfluid/genderqueer - if I've understood correctly) it's somewhat more clear cut for you? It's interesting that you managed to come to your agender identity without knowing it had a name. I kind of feel similarly with regards to feeling like people "fake gender" as you said. It can sometimes feel a bit too performative for me, which is one of the reasons I feel so confused. At the same time, I feel like regardless of what my outward appearance is, my identity is somewhat male. I find it difficult to be around either gender if they are acting in excessively stereotypical ways though, as I just can't connect to it on any level. It feels very alienating, and sometimes it surprises me how seemingly alternative people can often end up acting in exactly the same ways as more gender conforming people, when they are surrounded by their own gender.
I lost a lot of sleep trying to think of the perfect label for me.
Many seemed to partly fit my experience, but then once I adopted it as my label, I would find someone else who was using it that was quite a bit different than me.
Right now I'm just going with transfeminine, if I must use a label. Transgender is fine too, not sure I'm exactly binary trans, though not sure I'm non-binary either. Yeah, I have that internal debate too.
I'm definitely not cis though, in the larger picture, that is really the most important label. I also have a pretty clear vision of who I am, and how I want to look. It just seems no one else is quite like me, though there are some similarities to binary trans and non-binary people.
I currently use genderqueer riot grrrl. I'm AMAB and, to use a more familiar term, transfeminine. I don't identify as a woman, but I feel my identity is much closer to that than it is to being a man. I present either feminine or androgynously. I either feel feminine or neutral.
I have gone through a similar questioning of labels as well. I've tried on many different ones. Androgynous, Genderfluid, Neutrois, Demiboy, transfeminine, nonbinary, genderqueer. I would find one that fit, but after a while it would change with my changing understanding of self. I have been able to find more acceptance of the fact that my understanding of myself will change. I've also come to understand that I am a process, not a static entity. Therefore, it seems more natural that the language I use will change. I just use whatever most accurately captures my current experience.
I don't bother with labels.
If someone wants to call me a girl, because they see I look in general like a girl and it's clear I wish to be perceived as a girl, that's great, that's how I feel.
If someone call me a guy because they honestly didn't realize (honestly don't know how they could atleast tell I want to be seen as a girl) then that is fine too.
But if someone calls me anything other than a girl for the sake of trying to hurt me or bring me down, or make me feel bad about myself. Thenthey are just crap people in and out and I have 0 time for them, and will certainly not waste my time on them.
In general people are good and they respect our positions. Thank god
I never paid much attention to labels until I heard this one.
Gender non-conformal.
I am pretty much non-conformal in everything, so I have adopted this one
It's been a ride for me, and it's still ongoing. As a kid, I simply didn't give it much thought - I didn't 'feel' like a girl nor a boy, I just WAS. Then in my early teens when I first started thinking about it I realised early on that I didn't feel like either much but I was confused as I'd never heard of NB identities at that point.
Started using agender which started feeling wrong about a year ago, and now I've settled for demiboy, which sums up what/how I feel. Somewhat male, somewhat agender. Though I think my fear of admitting I'm trans at all (for the longest time I was afraid to put being trans and NB on the same page fsr, though I think it had mostly to do with the fact I needed to ACCEPT being trans) kept me from fully exploring my identity.
Transmasculine is another term I quite like, though since I'm pre-everything and still heavily closeted IRL save about 3 people, it's one I have a little trouble applying to myself rn.