My name is Jamie, turning 28 in September, and was assigned male at birth, something that I've never really liked. I was named after Jamie Lee Curtis, something that I always had to pretend to dislike, since you couldn't be happy about being "male" and having to be named after an Actress, even though it was the one thing that I loved about myself; my name (I didn't have a name for a while when I was born, that is until my father had a dream and decided on Jamie Lee)(I recently told my mother that I like my name, after years of proclaiming I hated it, which made her dumbstruck).
For most of my formative years I was slim and small. I rode my sister's bike and was inwardly thrilled when I was mistaken for a girl by strangers on family rides, though I was outwardly angry when it happened (can't be a boy and be pleased when you're called a girl, now can you? ::) ). I mainly had female friends all throughout my life, I never meshed well with boys since I never genuinely liked nor enjoyed the same things they did (I liked Sailor Moon and Cardcaptor Sakura, shōjo and josei manga, women's fashion and cooking/baking. Oh, and I didn't want to copulate with Hermione, instead being her friend was my fantasy. So, whenever I usually made boy friends I didn't manage to keep them). I always wished I could be one of the girls, to wake up and be a girl so I could be involved in their lives as their other girl friends were. I was closer to one-of-the-girls than other boys, but there was always that ending point that would be reached that would exclude me from the group and I'd get thrown to the boys of the group/party/gathering. I had crushes on girls, even friends, and always wanted to ask them out, though I never did and now realise that the desire I had to ask them out, to be their 'boyfriend', was merely my desire to be closer to them. I never necessarily thought about romantic ideals when I imagined going-out with a girl, it was more like we were BFFs.
My small stature didn't last long though as I bulked and beefed up after going onto steroid-based asthma medication and have been fighting with image problems ever since, without realising that that was only a small part of the problem I had with my body. I had expressed a desire to be female from an early age, as well as all throughout my life, though nobody took me serious, even myself. I was diagnosed with Asperger's and anxiety disorders in early High School which did help explain a lot of things that I did and felt, but not everything. I find that my insensitivities from Asperger's (ASD) hinders my own self-awareness of things, leading me to only recently wanting to pursue transition.
I started to grow my hair at the beginning of the year, after having a Ragnar Lothbrok hair cut (it's taking ages to grow out properly), which I'm loving. I've gone to a totally vegan diet, and I exercise when I'm well enough. I take care of my skin and body now like I've never done before. I am genuinely happy in my life, something I can say I've never experienced before (I'm starting to shop in the women's clothing section, which I'm enjoying, something I'm unaccustomed to since I despised shopping for male clothes - I use to wear my clothes to breaking point, only getting new clothes when absolutely necessary). I'm currently constructing a coming-out letter to give to my cousin's fiancé (we're quite close) on an upcoming weekend visit before talking to my mother (she's my carer and I can't even contemplate doing anything unless I have my mother helping me through it).
I'm really looking forward to beginning the process, but I do think finding a gender therapist might be difficult where I live, which is making me a bit anxious.
******
And breathe -_- That took me a long time to type and post. I found the forum a while ago, but was trepidatious about joining and posting (I've never really been a forum user), but I felt like I needed to join :D
Hi from Sydney.
Hi JamieLee :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
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Hugs
V M
Hi Jamie,
I'm Laurie,mtf and a
n self appointed unofficial greeter here on the site. Welcome to Susan's Place (Hug)) come on in Jamie. that's it first the one foot and then the other. See that wasn't so hard was it? Now that you are in look around, get a drink, find a comfy place to sit and get comfortable. We are a friendly bunch for the most part and if you find someone that isn't just hit that "report to moderator button" and let us know what the problem is. We'll look into it and handle it as appropriate. We do have a few rules and policies here as well as a bunch of information. I post some links at the bottom. But more important is that we are a support site and here to help others.
A couple of things you said struck memories of my own. like:
QuoteI had crushes on girls, even friends, and always wanted to ask them out, though I never did and now realize that the desire I had to ask them out, to be their 'boyfriend', was merely my desire to be closer to them. I never necessarily thought about romantic ideals when I imagined going-out with a girl, it was more like we were BFFs.
I felt just like that myself. I lost more girlfriends I dated from not trying to get anywhere with them than I ever did by doing something. In fact, I cannot remember ever loosing one because I tried to get more involved than they wanted. I just wasn't an aggressive boy with girls.
Another is:
QuoteI despised shopping for male clothes
Me too. I rarely took more than 5 minutes in selecting male clothes. I knew what I wore and got in, bought them and got out. I hated having to search for something else and did a fair amount of my clothes shopping online so I wouldn't have to go to a store.
What I'm trying to say Jamie is that you are not alone. You can almost bet someone here has been there where you have been and understand. So relax and settle in girl.
Hugs,
Laurie
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Hello Jamie, welcome to Susan's!
That is so awesome, the name your family gave you is one you like and works well with your gender identity - your true self. You sound very happy and I admire your ability to figure things out and move forward. I am MTF and I also have a birthday in September. I live near Seattle and have visited a couple of the larger cities in Australia.
We have a Links section here on Susan's which includes gender therapists that are available online. As you are working on a letter to your cousin you might want to browse through the Coming Out forum, which provided me with some ideas and the courage to come out to my parents last month.
I completely changed my diet and exercise several years ago, reduced a lot of weight and kept it off. I went vegan for awhile, and since then I have modified a bit into what is probably called a Mediterranean diet - vegan plus a small amount of fish. But I won't give up chocolate so I guess I am a failed vegan. Glad to hear you are being more careful with your health as well.
Great to see you here!
Kendra
Hi Jamie! I'm new here as well, and went through the exact same trepidation. (My post a few down is just... wow, it's a mess looking back on it.)
I've only been here a few days, but yet I am repeatedly astounded by the common experiences I am reading through. I definitely remember my childhood love of some shoujo manga and anime. I'm slightly older than you at 35, so was around 10-12ish maybe (I really can't remember) when Sailor Moon started airing in the U.S., and I'd wake up every morning before school to watch it. When questioned about it I was "lucky" to have a fall back excuse for the time of it still being relatively hard to get anime in the U.S. and I was just taking what I could get. And though while not shoujo manga even if written by a female author, I was completely obsessed with Ranma 1/2 for what are now quite obvious reasons. (For those unfamiliar, it is a series about a guy who is "cursed" to turn into a girl when splashed with water. Played primarily for comedic effect, but the entire premise is just... ugh, I wanted it to real so bad, heh.)
As I've been really taking stock of memories the past few months I came to a similar realization as well about girls I had a crush on, and also never managed to bring myself to ask out. (Not that I am not attracted to women, as I figure out more myself I've decided if nothing else I'm getting to the point of gender irrelevancy in preference regarding others.) I only ever had one true female friend (not counting family), but unfortunately some idiocy with her mom got in the way so that relationship ended.
Funny enough, just earlier today I really started thinking about the clothes issue. My (male) wardrobe is just t-shirts and shorts (it's hot and humid here pretty much year round), and aside from occasionally nerding out over a particular t-shirt I don't like shopping at all. But as I'm becoming more honest with myself, I was just walking along and started picturing (female) outfits in my head. And then I had this moment of revelation that shocked myself, because I realized I wasn't just picturing random dresses, I was specifically giving deep thought about what shoes would match what. Even with all my questions about gender over the years (where clothes usually stopped at whatever I could get a hold of), I don't think I have ever once gotten excited about the very concept of matching shoes before. I know the whole shoes thing is pretty much the definitive cliche, and so I started to wonder if maybe I was trying too hard to convince myself, but even hours later I'm excited over the idea and I don't think there is any psychosomatic "faking" to this degree.
Quote from: AnonyMs on August 25, 2017, 02:44:03 AM
Hi from Sydney.
Hi :icon_wave: It's really nice to meet you. I was really thrilled to find an Australian contingent here :D
Quote from: Laurie on August 25, 2017, 03:53:50 AM
So relax and settle in girl.
Hi Laurie :icon_wave: I was so nervous to read the replies to my introduction that I kind of agonised about clicking through. But I'm glad I did! That is the first time I've been gendered my preferred gender and it felt all sparkly and lovely :D It absolutely made my year! :D
Quote from: Kendra on August 25, 2017, 11:02:00 AM
That is so awesome, the name your family gave you is one you like and works well with your gender identity - your true self.
Hi Kendra :icon_wave: I got told all the time that my name was a girl's name. I'd always and immediately return with "It's unisex! >:(" even though deep down I thought it was a girl's name too, and I was OK with that :D I do feel bad for all these years telling my parents that I didn't like it. But I did really enjoy that small moment several weeks ago when I offhandedly (well, actually, it took a whole lot of thought and energy to say it) told my mother that I liked my name.
Quote from: Kendra on August 25, 2017, 11:02:00 AM
I completely changed my diet and exercise several years ago, reduced a lot of weight and kept it off. I went vegan for awhile, and since then I have modified a bit into what is probably called a Mediterranean diet - vegan plus a small amount of fish. But I won't give up chocolate so I guess I am a failed vegan. Glad to hear you are being more careful with your health as well.
I had basically been eating vegan for about a year before going full-time animal protein free (I ate chicken during that time). Nobody really knows why I went full vegan though. They think I did it for health reasons, which is true I suppose.
Oh, I love taking non-vegan recipes I use to make and veganise them ;) I have a recipe for a beetroot brownie that's vegan and delicious (from memory. I haven't made it in a while since I'm somewhat allergic to chocolate -_-) I love baking.
I now see a reason to keep healthy and take care of myself :)
Quote from: Roll on August 25, 2017, 03:49:27 PM
And though while not shoujo manga even if written by a female author, I was completely obsessed with Ranma 1/2 for what are now quite obvious reasons. (For those unfamiliar, it is a series about a guy who is "cursed" to turn into a girl when splashed with water. Played primarily for comedic effect, but the entire premise is just... ugh, I wanted it to real so bad, heh.)
Hi Roll :icon_wave: I read your introduction the day I joined :) (I read a lot of introductions before even contemplating doing my own). I have the same obsession with Gacha Gacha: The Next Revolution and Boku Girl ;D For a period of time they gave me life and the needed energy to make it out of bed (along with Prunus Girl - which I adore)... They're not shoujo either.
Quote from: Roll on August 25, 2017, 03:49:27 PM
As I've been really taking stock of memories the past few months I came to a similar realization as well about girls I had a crush on, and also never managed to bring myself to ask out. (Not that I am not attracted to women, as I figure out more myself I've decided if nothing else I'm getting to the point of gender irrelevancy in preference regarding others.) I only ever had one true female friend (not counting family), but unfortunately some idiocy with her mom got in the way so that relationship ended.
I'm Bi, I came to that realisation late in High School (though I'd been called gay for a long time before that, even though I myself hadn't shown or developed any sexual ideas at that point). My best friend (even though we don't see each other a whole lot) is female. She left high school to move interstate in our second-last year of high school. That gutted me. We stayed close though, which I am so thankful for. She got married this year, which I got all giddy about :icon_joy:
Quote from: Roll on August 25, 2017, 03:49:27 PM
Even with all my questions about gender over the years (where clothes usually stopped at whatever I could get a hold of), I don't think I have ever once gotten excited about the very concept of matching shoes before. I know the whole shoes thing is pretty much the definitive cliche, and so I started to wonder if maybe I was trying too hard to convince myself, but even hours later I'm excited over the idea and I don't think there is any psychosomatic "faking" to this degree.
Hehe, I've had that happen too. I bought a pair of ankle boots a few months back (even though I'm not exactly ready to wear them out yet) because I thought they'd look good for a future outfit. I bought a pair of white Reebok Freestyle Hi because they would look so good with a pair of skinny jeans (which I just bought the other day and am so excited to go out wearing both of them). I'm pretty happy to be part of that cliche. Took me long enough to get there :icon_rockon:
Welcome, JamieLee! Fellow Aussie here, drifting around Queensland. Been through Tamworth a few times but only ever stopped at the local burger joint.
I wish you a smooth transition journey! I'm FTM so I can't give much advice on your particular path.
Have fun!
Quote from: Dan on August 27, 2017, 04:18:29 AM
Welcome, JamieLee! Fellow Aussie here, drifting around Queensland. Been through Tamworth a few times but only ever stopped at the local burger joint.
I wish you a smooth transition journey! I'm FTM so I can't give much advice on your particular path.
Have fun!
Hi Dan :icon_wave: Yay, another Aussie! I'm really glad to meet you :D There isn't much to really stop in Tamworth for, to be honest :laugh: I drove to Cairns with my father a couple years ago, for a marine aquarium conference, and saw lots of Queensland on the way there and back ;D
Thank you, I hope it goes smoothly too!
I agree that driving from Tamworth all the way to Cairns would have enabled you to see plenty of Qld :)
Do stay in touch since there are so few of us Aussies on here, or it sure seems that way.
Yep, Aussies everywhere on this site. Including me from a freezing cold Adelaide.
Welcome and join on in.
Welcome from Brisbane! :)
Quote from: Dan on August 28, 2017, 05:41:00 AM
I agree that driving from Tamworth all the way to Cairns would have enabled you to see plenty of Qld :)
Do stay in touch since there are so few of us Aussies on here, or it sure seems that way.
It was a loooong drive, but well worth it :) The conference was great and we saw a beautiful part of Australia on the drive there...way too hot and humid for my liking though :laugh:
I'd be absolutely delighted to stay in touch :D
Quote from: Cindy on August 28, 2017, 05:45:04 AM
Yep, Aussies everywhere on this site. Including me from a freezing cold Adelaide.
Welcome and join on in.
Quote from: Violets on August 28, 2017, 06:08:28 AM
Welcome from Brisbane! :)
Hi Cindy :icon_wave: Hi Violets :icon_wave: The Aussies are coming out of the woodwork! :laugh: Really nice to meet you both. I've always wanted to visit Adelaide. And my Aunt lives close to Brisbane, plus there are some really nice marine aquarium stores around the place.
Cindy, how cold we talking? It's supposed to get to -5°C here tonight :eusa_sick: I like the cold of winter over the heat and stickiness of summer though ;D
Hi Jamie Lee;
Welcome from Southern Victoria on the Ocean. I am just back for the Aussie Spring and Autumn from my other house in the UK. October was starting to get chilly and wet again so I decided to come back to my other Beach House!. Welcome to Susans.
JudithLynn