It's been a long two weeks- in general, and as far as being trans.
First, I hit someone else's car and am dealing with that mess. Keep forgetting to call the local shop to see if they will be able to fix it, or if I'm going to HAVE to go through insurance, because it's really just a dent and would probably be cheaper to just take care of off the books.
Second, one of my friends (or recently not-so-much-of-a-friend) decided it would be a brilliant idea to tell me his ->-bleeped-<-ty views. I get it, everyone has their thoughts and opinions- but if its just going to hurt someone or make them uncomfortable, why say it? This guy knows, and has known for a while. I didn't even have to tell him, he figured it out. We were having a civil conversation about it because he asked how everything was going in that department... and he felt the need to throw in, "you know, I'm sorry. But I just can't understand and I just don't get it. To me, if you have a penis, you're a man and if you don't, you're a woman and I just can't see it any other way." Because *that* won't trigger a week+ of dysphoria.
Third, I found out yesterday morning, a half hour before my appointment, that it had been cancelled. Oh, and they didn't have anywhere in the schedule open for another month.
It's already been two weeks. Add another month, and it will have been six weeks between appointments.
That's kind of a big deal for someone with PTSD, related severe depression/ anxiety swings, topped off with suicidal tendencies. I had a panic attack that lasted for 7 hours just thinking about it. Not even sure why, because logically I know that I'll be fine and if it gets to the point where I can't handle it, I can walk-in or go to the ER. It wasn't full-blown, I was still functional for the most part, but I had the uncontrollable shakes, and was stuttering so bad my friend had to finish my order for me at the restaurant, which I barely survived going to and only because it was deserted when we got there.
Last appointment, we decided to work on the trauma first and then in a while segway into the gender stuff. Which is fine, like I get it, order of importance here. But I have this own internal timeline of when I would like to have at least started T. That goal was by Christmas. Now everything is set back another month, and it feels insanely in-attainable.
I'm sick of feeling trapped in a body that I can't stand to look at in the mirror.
I'm sick of looking at myself and feeling like even my hands aren't my own.
I'm sick of doing everything I know how to do and still getting mis-gendered every single effing time because of my voice or my height or my face or whatever it is that gives me away.
I'm sick of being treated like a woman everywhere I go.
I'm sick of the guys I work with falling silent or changing the conversation when I walk in, and treating me differently then they treat each other.
I'm sick of playing the waiting game. I know who I am, and I know who I need to be. I want to be there or at least be doing something that puts me on the road to being there.
I've lowered my voice a little bit through training it, and it sounds raspy now, but it just isn't enough.
I dress the part every single day- I'm essentially living it; my hair is a man's hairstyle and my clothes are men's clothes, and I bind and pack, and I've consciously changed every mannerism that I can to be "more masculine."
But it still just isn't enough. And every time I hear the words "ma'am," "she," "her," etc... It just reminds me that no matter how hard I'm trying, it's still not enough to make me bee seen as the person I am to the outside world. It just reminds me that I'm not good enough.
I feel like I'm suffocating inside this loop of being seen and treated like a woman, feeling hopeless, trying harder, believing every day when I wake up that "this will be the day that someone gets it right," and it never is. Lather, rinse, repeat.
And I can't get frustrated with people, because then I'm the ->-bleeped-<-.
Church is the only place where I ever really feel loved, but being Mormon is hard- they refuse to acknowledge me as a man. Still awaiting my follow-up with the church leadership to find out how they're going to "handle this." I'm probably going to lose my rights of being a member, and won't ever be able to go to a temple or hold a calling. This is my mind going places, I don't actually know what's going to happen yet because they haven't told me. Maybe they don't even know what to do with me.
I've been smashed drunk twice in the last week, because I just can't handle being trapped in this "inbetween" state and on such uncertain grounds like this. I'm not a drinker- I don't drink but once every like three months, and I usually have *maybe* three drinks.
Apparently, I get insanely depressed and suicidal when I'm drunk and one of my friends has to baby-sit me. Probably why they tell you it isn't brilliant idea to drink while on Wellbutrin.
In short, this blows. Some days, I feel like it would be better if I could just disappear.
But, like a mentor once told me: "Life sucks, get a darn helmet."
Man... all I can say is that you're in (what I believed to be) the roughest, shi****** part of the whole trans experience right now: That awful grey area between cause and action.
Problem Identified <_____ *you're here*______> Help
Those last seven months or so I spent between being able to take action after I was absolutely certain I needed to medically transition just about killed me. I've suffered from dysphoria in some form or another my entire life but it really increased tenfold during that period.
Taking the fire head-on will forge you into a stronger man and make your transition even more triumphant. Just hold on and trust that the path is there even if you've temporarily run out of light.
Seriously dude, it gets better. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will. Just keep moving forward. You can do this.
Remember, we're here for you, so vent all you like.
Ryuichi
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$hit eventually gets flushed away and the water is all clear again. It's a passing phase, hang in there.