I'm Mary T. That is not my birth name but I wanted to be called Mary for as long as I can remember. I told my mother when I was about four years old, and I can still remember the conversation:
Mum: "No, you can't be called Mary. You're a boy!"
Me: "How do you know I'm a boy?"
Mum: "Because of your teeth. And your favourite colour should be blue, not pink!"
I thought blue was quite nice, too, so my favourite colour changed to please my mum. I didn't believe her about being a boy, though, and I thought that it was just my hair and clothes and name that made me a boy. If my teeth were also an issue, I could just keep my mouth closed.
My mother's clothes didn't fit, and I just had a brother and no sisters. To be a girl, I took off my clothes and covered my hair with my mother's headscarf. Sometimes I wore a towel like a dress. I thought that I was ugly dressed as a boy but quite pretty as a girl. Since I thought that I looked like a girl when I was naked, you would be right in thinking that I didn't know much about the facts of life. I was often caught during my experiments, and my mother was always contemptuous rather than angry. It didn't stop the need, though.
When I was eight, I made a plasticine model of a nude woman and showed it to my mother. I think that I was trying to shock her. She wasn't angry, but she did tell me that the model should not have a willy, as girls did not have them. That was news to me, and for the first time I realised that I really was a boy, even while (especially while?) I was naked.
I really did try to be a boy. My admittedly generous parents brought me loads of toy soldiers and I could have any comics I wanted, except for girls' comics such as Bunty, Princess and June and School Friend. (I still read them whenever I could, especially June and School Friend.) I didn't really like running around with toy guns, but I spent a lot of time making up stories with the toy soldiers. I still needed to look like a girl, though, and I was often caught trying on my mother's clothes, even though they were too big. My behaviour wasn't mentioned to a GP, let alone a psychiatrist. I think that my parents were too ashamed. I was, too, but I couldn't help myself.
When I was twelve, I started to grow pubic hair. I didn't know that girls also had it, and I contemplated suicide. That was unfair of me, as apart from my "problem", my life was idyllic at the time. We lived on the edge of a subtropical coastal forest with monkeys and some antelopes, and there were dolphins in the sea. I even had a friend who was like me, and we secretly dressed up whenever we could. Eventually, my family and I moved away, and I lost touch with my friend. On the bright side, when I eventually started growing facial hair, I had already passed the suicidal stage.
At high school, I tried to be as macho as the other boys. I avoided boys who might be like me, as they might have tarnished my image, and I got beaten up enough while I was trying to act manly. All of my front teeth were chipped by punches. Even so, my nickname among some boys was "Homo". I never again had a friend like the one I dressed up with. I acted as though I was very attracted to girls, but to this day I have never had a real girlfriend, or boyfriend for that matter. I'm not a "hunter" in that way. I still had the urge to dress as a woman, though, and I was sometimes caught.
When I was about twenty, I was eventually sent to see a psychiatrist. I did not enjoy the experience, which I found very humiliating. The psychiatrist was eventually satisfied when I admitted that I was a "poof". He discussed my case with my mother, and that is probably why she bought me some second-hand June annuals and School Friend annuals, even though I was too old for them. I felt that I should reject them, but I liked them too much and still have them. My mother never accepted what I am, though. I tried to resist the urge, but continued to dress as a woman when I could. Sometimes I was recognised and reported to my mother, who was then particularly ashamed and used phrases such as "I despise you". You shouldn't think that she didn't love me, though, and I certainly loved her, and cared for her during the last few years of her life.
At work, I tried to appear manly, but colleagues sometimes suspected something. One conversation went:
"From now on, I'll call you Manly D...".
"I'd rather you didn't. Some people might think that you are being sarcastic."
"Do you think I wouldn't be?"
At other times, I was known as "Mother", or "Nana" (because I allegedly looked like Nana Mouskouri").
I never had SRS. I could not have faced my mother, and in any case I never wanted to see another psychiatrist. My only concession to being transgender now is to use hair removal creams on my face. I had a feeble moustache at one time in my life, but my hair was too fine to grow a beard. I no longer wear obviously feminine clothes, even in private, but I am secretly pleased when I am occasionally "mistaken" for a woman. I am short and have very small hands and feet for a man. Although my parents are dead, I know that there is no point now in having full SRS. I will never have a lover. However, although I think that my testicles don't function anymore, I am still looking for a way to have them removed without consulting a psychiatrist. I don't like my penis either, but I think that I would be satisfied with an orchiectomy.
And that is my story. It is too long, I know, but I think that it might strike a chord with many older transgender women, from an age before transgender girls were allowed to go to school in dresses.
Welcome to Susan's Place. As you apparently have been looking at the site for a while, I am pretty sure you know a good deal about it. We are here to help you with what you need. There are three options you might want to consider, an orchiectomy, full SRS and SRS without a vagina. Yes, you need therapy with most surgeons but from what you have written, you shouldn't require an intensive amount of therapy. In my case, I experienced social dysphoria and while I wanted surgery, my primary need was being myself in public. It's up to you to decide what you want and we will do our best to help you get it. Just remember that all you dream may be possible.
Hi again, Mary,
I'm Laurie. I will be 65 in a week. Welcome to Susan's Place. I know I told you that on the other post you made when I invited you to come here and tell us more about yourself. I am glad you have. Thank you Mary.
You don't say how old you are but I suspect you are younger than I am by your choice of comics though I really have no idea even after trying to google them. By my searches you could be over 100 or very young. LOL It's not important really. What is of import is that you like a great many of us here have very similar stories. Though I never really saw myself as a girl(except in my fantasies) I had always wished I could be one. I like you began crossdressing at an early age and never really stopped though there were interruption and many failed attempts to stop. I finally accepted that it was just something I HAD to do. I thought for many years that I was a crossdresser. That changed last November with the discovery of gender dysphoria. I hadn't ever heard of it. The more I looked into it the more certain it was talking about me. I started HRT December 4, 2016.
I also had a bad experience with therapy in my past where I was basically blackmailed into more sessions until I could convince her that I no longer posed a threat to myself. Little did she know what I would be contemplating just a short time after. No I did not have a high opinion of therapists. I mention this because because therapy is recommended for people like us. Being transgender is fraught with issues that beset us as we anguish over what to do and whether doing it is the right thing to be doing. I took the recommendation to heart and decided to give therapy another try. I am seeing a gender therapist now regularly and find it helpful just to have someone to talk to and discuss my issues and thoughts with. If you struggle with thoughts and doubts about who you are and what you would like to do I would suggest you reconsider therapy and give it another try.
I want to thank you for joining us here at Susan's Place and feel free to come back and share whatever is on your mind concerning transgender issues.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Mary :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome Mary, from another newbie )
Thanks for the welcomes and for sharing your own experiences. I am 61, so I am not all that much younger than Laurie. If you were a child in the 1960s and haven't heard of June and School Friend, Princess or Bunty comics, I presume that you were not living in Britain or its Commonwealth at the time.
Quote from: MaryT on September 03, 2017, 08:14:48 AM
Thanks for the welcomes and for sharing your own experiences. I am 61, so I am not all that much younger than Laurie. If you were a child in the 1960s and haven't heard of June and School Friend, Princess or Bunty comics, I presume that you were not living in Britain or its Commonwealth at the time.
Mary, That is correct. I live in the USA. I did notice that you probably lived over there somewhere. In the states here we had Betty, Veronica, Jughead and Archie around that time frame. All were read more by girls where the boys went for more of the action and super hero type of comics. I would um borrow the ones my sisters got. For books I enjoyed the Nancy Drew mystery series and have read most of them before getting into science fiction and fantasy.
laurie
Hello Mary, thank you for joining Susan's!
I am MTF in my mid 50's in Seattle and can see similarities although we have different details. The main thing I want to emphasize is - reach for your dreams. If you desire something, don't rule it out. If you saw someone at a younger age shut off future opportunities what would you tell them... we face the same thing with our gap in developing into who we truly are.
The comments on comic books is interesting. Up until puberty when many things about me started falling under a cloud I read all the Archie comics I could get my hands on and had no interest in action/superhero comics. I didn't realize until just now that is one more thing indicating where I identified. I admired Betty and Veronica, just as today when I notice the way some women socialize and carry themselves I admire that. I am learning again as if I stopped in 1975 and restarted in 2015.
Great to see you here! And thank you for introducing yourself.
Kendra
Hi, Mary!
I'm kinda new here, too. I really enjoy reading about other's insights and experiences. It's very helpful. Your story certainly strikes a cord with me. Many good vibes being sent your way!
Tommie