I've read people say they can't look at old pictures because they hated who they were or because that person wasn't real. What about the opposite? Has anyone felt they can't look at old pictures because it makes them nostalgic? I'm just starting my process but whenever I see pictures from a few months ago before I started I get this nostalgia and this "awww" in my head thinking I looked so happy and good (even though I know I wasn't 100% happy). It's like seeing a relative that I loved very much, that helped me and protected me and isn't here anymore.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I feel like my life has been on an upward trajectory for the last 10 years or so, so in response to your question, no, I don't miss the "old" me. Neither do I hate old pictures of me, though. Looking back, I sort of feel like I really made a good faith effort at pretending to be a man for many years. Had I kept at it, I imagined that I'd have been a better one. But my thoughts on that are shaded by my acceptance of who I really am. What it really means to me is that as a man, I would have been more like a woman. In the end, I'm finding that I didn't know anything about how to be a man at all.
There are quite a few old photos that I like to look at now, that captured important moments in my life. For a long time, I couldn't even look at them. I discovered much later that this is known as dysphoria, the same thing that wouldn't allow me to look at myself in the mirror. Now, I have no trouble checking myself out in a mirror, either.
I like your thought about "old" me protecting me, as I went through my pupal stage, right?
Erin
There are some things I miss, like not feeling guilty when I buy flavored lip balm or mascara from the makeup section, but for the most part, not really.
Even though my body dysphoria isn't as bad as many others' might have been, it still existed. At the time, when I was alone, I liked how my body looked for the most part, but it didn't stop me from often wearing a hoodie in 90F temperatures when I went out in public before I got my first binder.
Hn...now that I think about it, I suppose I DO have a bit of nostalgia about the old me. But, I feel so much more actual PRIDE in the transitioning me right now.
Thank you for asking such an interesting and thought-provoking question!
Ryuichi
Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk
Q. Do you ever miss the old you?
A. Like a toothache.
But seriously, I do have ambivalent feelings about my old self. I guess that's part of the magic of being 2 spirit. I was a fairly attractive guy when I was younger. But my problem with women was that when they were attracted to me they were attracted to something that I didn't want to be and it always led to feelings of resentment and confusion.
But I feel like I'm in a pretty good place right now where I have found unity with my past and am finally at peace. After all there is an old expression, "The child gives birth to the man." Or in my case. The woman.
Nope. I was miserable, angry, and depressed. I didn't care what I looked like. Except for work, I was almost living as a hermit. It was pretty rare that I actually did anything with the few friends I hadn't pushed away. I avoided any possibility of a relationship for 19 years. Thankfully I had enough willpower to not drink, or I definitely would have been an alcoholic. I actually don't even have pictures of me from anytime before this last June. I've spent years destroying any picture I find of myself & actively avoiding being in any pictures because I hated myself & how I looked.
Now I'm infinitely happier, I go out with friends all the time, and have even made new friends. I'm working on re-connecting with some old friends, too. I'm still not happy having pictures taken of me in male mode, but I'm happy taking pictures of Sarah (though I have to remind myself to do so - it's not a natural habit yet).
Quote from: Janes Groove on September 04, 2017, 10:12:29 AM
Q. Do you ever miss the old you?
A. Like a toothache.
But seriously, I do have ambivalent feelings about my old self. I guess that's part of the magic of being 2 spirit. I was a fairly attractive guy when I was younger. But my problem with women was that when they were attracted to me they were attracted to something that I didn't want to be and it always led to feelings of resentment and confusion.
But I feel like I'm in a pretty good place right now where I have found unity with my past and am finally at peace. After all there is an old expression, "The child gives birth to the man." Or in my case. The woman.
I love your quote "magic of being two-spirit." I have Native American ancestors, and I like how they acceptingly expressed transgender as being "two-spirit". For me, I still enjoy the memories that go with old photos of me or photos with me in them. I see a girl there, especially when I was a little "boy". Seeing girl in them actually is very affirming to me. My spirit-emotions-personality has always been feminine, so I'm not missing anything from my past. We're all different. Isn't that great?
Well I miss the acne-free skin.
Not even slightly. Looking at my old pictures isn't that big of a deal for me. The only real differences are that I was flat chested and didn't wear as much makeup. My facial features weren't as feminine but nothing drastic.
I don't even own baby pics...that part of my life is gone.
NO! Not one little bit. I'm getting ready to move to another state when I retire next year. I plan on purging anything that shows, talks about or points to the old me.
Quote from: NJOttawa on September 04, 2017, 11:37:22 AM
I don't even own baby pics...that part of my life is gone.
I keep no pictures of my past. Lost some in a fire. And the rest when my mom passed and my ex wife left. Easier to move on and live in the present and future. Nothing to look at and dwell on.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
No, not really. What made "him" is just me with bits suppressed and a veneer of a persona. I'm still here.
Pictures of the old me don't really resemble how I look now. They're just funny old pictures now.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
There is nothing about the old me that is worth missing. Why would I miss being miserable? I have two photos from back then. One is a baby picture, and one when I was in my Guardian Angels uniform. The latter looks like me, but with a flat chest, and no smile. I look at them once in a blue moon, if that often.
No, I don't miss the old me. Not in the sense that I am happy to be rid of him, but because the core of who he was is still with me. All I have left behind is the dysphoria.
I am still the same person, albeit in a shell that isn't quite the right shape yet. I accomplished a lot in my old life, and those accomplishments remain with me. I had good times and bad; the good times remain as memories. I am happy to be leaving the bad times behind, but I am not unhappy with who I was. I like that guy. He did right by me, keeping me healthy and safe until I was ready to emerge.
I have pictures of the old me that I am proud of. If this 22-year-old had only known...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dulcemelos.ca%2Fpersonal%2FHero%2520Shot.jpg&hash=2faca843ae931c8289225ffe644bb7e123313f5b)
I was very worried I would, but like Kathy, although I have to admit I'm not the person I was, my core and values remain the same.
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
I don't miss the old me at all! Pretty much from puberty until earlier this year I got more and more depressed as the years went on. I have some good memories, it wasn't all bad but I'm not going to miss myself from those days, especially my college aged me.
I do get nostalgic for my youth though, but I don't think it's gender related, it's more related to being care-free and not having to worry about certain things
Nope, I don't miss how I was before. I haven't even looked back at old photos of me any time recently either. Hugs
Mariah
The "Old Me" is probably a far bigger part of the new me then any newer/upgraded me. Never being much of a "male", never have much self-esteem or self-confidence I sure cannot say being seen as and treated as a female makes me "wish for the good old days".
TBH - I do still live and present primarily as male. My wife has a bit of a different opinion. Even for me, "Male Privileged", especiall within the medical community does carry a bit of weight.
Like how can a argue with a Registered Nurse and knowing what .... biting tongue, idiots doctors can be having been a medical device designer for many many years?
Quote from: Michelle_P on September 04, 2017, 02:25:58 PM...Pictures of the old me don't really resemble how I look now. They're just funny old pictures now.
Sounds about right.
Ryuichi
Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk
I don't miss the old me, but I don't hate him either.
The temptation when entering a new chapter in one's life is to be overly euphoric about the new and overly critical of the old. I could not be my best self while living as male, but I still did the best I can with what I had to work with. And, at times, I was happy. Not totally happy, but I'm not sure such a state exists, and if it does, I'm not the sort who is likely to realize it.
If my biography is ever written, let it not say that I started living at 40, but rather that I lived two lives...one that I was given and the other that I chose. May they both be fondly remembered.
Yeah sometimes, The old me was young and strong, able to take command and handle most situations fairly quickly and easily without any fear
The new me is an aging abused animal, dealing with atrophy due to injuries incurred and has difficulty with trusting humans
I am just starting to transition haven't got on hormones yet. But I may miss the old me sometimes.
I am in an in between stage where I wonder what the new me will look like as a man.
I feel genderless right now. I am pretty sure others felt this way too. I will miss being able to wear certain things
but for the most part I am looking forward to being more comfortable in my own skin and new clothes and sorry if this is TMI I wont miss my breasts when I get rid of them. I feel bad for my family mostly my mom who will lose who I was.
Also wanted to add I get the angry part that others brought up in their past pictures. I looked at a lot of my old photos going "Was I ever happy?" I am now happier to have discovered this new persona of mine. Being called He and Him
and Max has made me almost 100 percent more happier than my old name and being called She.
Quote from: MaxForever on September 08, 2017, 06:18:08 AM
I am just starting to transition haven't got on hormones yet. But I may miss the old me sometimes.
I am in an in between stage where I wonder what the new me will look like as a man.
I feel genderless right now. I am pretty sure others felt this way too. I will miss being able to wear certain things
but for the most part I am looking forward to being more comfortable in my own skin and new clothes and sorry if this is TMI I wont miss my breasts when I get rid of them. I feel bad for my family mostly my mom who will lose who I was.
Also wanted to add I get the angry part that others brought up in their past pictures. I looked at a lot of my old photos going "Was I ever happy?" I am now happier to have discovered this new persona of mine. Being called He and Him
and Max has made me almost 100 percent more happier than my old name and being called She.
Good for you Max!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 04, 2017, 09:47:17 AM
I've read people say they can't look at old pictures because they hated who they were or because that person wasn't real. What about the opposite? Has anyone felt they can't look at old pictures because it makes them nostalgic? I'm just starting my process but whenever I see pictures from a few months ago before I started I get this nostalgia and this "awww" in my head thinking I looked so happy and good (even though I know I wasn't 100% happy). It's like seeing a relative that I loved very much, that helped me and protected me and isn't here anymore.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Hi Daniela 🙋🏼 Just remember you will always be looking different in pictures of you in the past whether you are on hrt or not. You will always be you inside though.
Hope your feeling better girlfriend 💁 Jessica
Thanks Charlie Nicki glad to have support here :)
Fascinating string and discussion. It is so poignant, yet so beautiful, when wonderful human beings tell their truth. We live and learn so much--from each other in our shared experiences.
From my very first memories, the hardware-software mismatch was palpable and frustrating. My elder sister, parents (and much of the extended family) saw the dysphoria and struggled with what the heck to do with me. At 12 years old in 1975, my mother went to an MHMR and picked up a pamphlet to help her understand what was going on; to learn that DSM-III had just removed homosexuality from the list of mental disorders. Even yet, transgender never entered the lexicon in our discussions. So essentially, I was read the realities of my life of "gloom and doom" that my poor mother saw for me; a life of no children and being among "people like that." She did the very best she could, while I grew to excel in sports, academics and everything I could master--to hopefully make my parents proud of me. I was one of the lucky ones, I realize. As long as I did well and stayed out of trouble, life was good.
As my year books over the years were filled with "to the guy in our class with a girl's name," I attracted more female paramours than male, which of course was always fine by me. Half of the handful of guys who were attracted to me, interestingly, are gay today, and still friends. Lots of psychology there, no?
My folks decided to leave WNY for the sunshine and "opportunity" of Texas when I was just 16; breaking off my first romance that I was involved in with a girl a year my senior. The ache stung for years, and I still get a lump in my throat when I see her at my old NY class reunions. She went on to a handful of broken relationships over the decades and married only a couple years ago. She married a man with a son and we are friends on FB.
Do I miss my old self? I think about it often as I go through this process. Facebook is a reminder as in my heart, I've only just been given the opportunity to go through the puberty I only dreamed of, and I chose to keep my original profile, correcting only my name after I went through the legal process of correcting my identity docs, and posting a primer of the obvious--that explained the more "me" me (with an extra 25# of upper body strength obvious, and changing hairline). I may be different in the aspect that I saw no incongruence in who I was to who I am now, but simply a coming in to my own. My extended family understands it, although, like a few have noted, it has been difficult for many of my cousins who likely do miss the comforts---of the "old me," the overachieving workaholic who built and sold a company over 25 years, and champion of equality and working people everywhere. They're only beginning to understand what drove me to the workaholism that was, and still is--the hallmark of my life.
I am incredibly proud of my parents (who gave me tough love, but never abandoned me) and even myself--similar to a couple comments here--for not becoming a total alcoholic or engaging in other self-destructive behavior, even though the frustrations many days seemed insurmountable. My greatest frustration all those years before I began physical transition (2009) was simply that of making love with any one of the few beautiful women I've been lucky enough to have had in my life---when the sense of "phantom limb syndrome" drove me to tears.
In a perfect world, I would have stopped running and denying myself the opportunity to have corrected the situation earlier in life, as I'd have loved to have had a family of my own--and had the opportunity to have lived that proverbial "normal life" with the majority, in addition to the life I've been socialized in (essentially a straight guy socialized as a lesbian?!). I chose to keep my head down, until at 50 and facing a new career....I had to ask myself how I could live the rest of my life....exhausted of trying to play female. One constantly run from restrooms, and constantly hating the whole clothes thing. I just couldn't take it anymore.
So, at 54, I'm 4 years since top surgery and on T, after which I managed to learn how to stand straight up for the first time in my life without the boobs to hide. I'm now on the mission to find the most capable surgeon and am considering GCS to both complete the package and --hopefully put an end to the annoying process of packing. Having solved the "phantom limb syndrome" will be an amazing joy I'm only starting to fully conjure in my mind, and while knowing the risks, downsides of such approach, I'm smashing ahead. The grumpy little "girl" in all my childhood pictures...giving way to the fulfilled man I've always been and known in my heart.
I apologize for the lengthy post--and thank you for your indulgence. As a writer, this process of sharing is cathartic, for sure. I wish each and every one on this string all the health, happiness and fulfillment each of us has in our grasp. Be yourself, be well, and stay beautiful, all.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Hey SaerJoe, that was a great read. Thanks for your input!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: SaerJoe on September 10, 2017, 03:11:12 PM
So, at 54, I'm 4 years since top surgery and on T, after which I managed to learn how to stand straight up for the first time in my life without the boobs to hide. I'm now on the mission to find the most capable surgeon and am considering GCS to both complete the package and --hopefully put an end to the annoying process of packing. Having solved the "phantom limb syndrome" will be an amazing joy I'm only starting to fully conjure in my mind, and while knowing the risks, downsides of such approach, I'm smashing ahead. The grumpy little "girl" in all my childhood pictures...giving way to the fulfilled man I've always been and known in my heart.
I apologize for the lengthy post--and thank you for your indulgence. As a writer, this process of sharing is cathartic, for sure. I wish each and every one on this string all the health, happiness and fulfillment each of us has in our grasp. Be yourself, be well, and stay beautiful, all.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Thank you for sharing your story! Almost put me in tears. I know this is me and who I want to be in the future.
I am lucky to have realized it at 32. I don't want breasts in the future. I know I am a man in my heart.
This made me realize my old self as a girl was really really unhappy as I am not the only one who always wanted
to hide my breasts I never really knew WHY a woman would want to hide their breasts. I was always uncomfortable with them until recently when I discovered being transgender it all clicked why I never wanted to show my body
in revealing clothes or tight clothes because I didn't like it. I looked at my old pictures and wondered if I was ever happy the way I was way back in highschool I didn't even like wearing my skirt for my uniform.
Huh??? I miss the young me!!!
( same pic different aeon Bari Jo, switched avatar now we're even!!)
He's dead and I hope He stays that way
Only a small bit in certain situations, the old me was never afraid or anxious traveling home late at night, now as a woman I'm more aware of safety, some aspects of life is much harder for a woman.
The old me played a crucial part in me becoming the new me, but I'd never go back.
Until I was 14 I just hid my girl inside. When I learned about puberty that cute little thing down there turned into a horror. In the most ardent prayer of my life, I asked God to let me wake up with the right parts down there. He said no. 2 weeks later I was going to shoot myself in the head and have a direct talk with Him. He said no to that too. So I learned to live with it until I fell in love with my best friend when I was 19. You come to know what Transgender really means when your 'male' but you know better, and you want to marry your male best friend and be his wife. I should have transitioned then, but instead push it into the soul pit. To understand why you have to know I spent my teen years in a small town in Florida. The only Gay people I saw in 10 years was 2 women holding hands on a deserted beach. My family moved back to Tennessee and I came back with them. My 'man shell' was a thin white wash, but thickened up thru the years. I didn't drink or do drugs, but I did try to work myself to death and almost succeeded. Finally now I get to transition and it feels wonderful! I get to be me! Do I miss the old me? No. But I don't hate him, he was alright and I even came to like him. I just wish I could have lived the life I know now that I could have. This is for the young and questioning, find out, take the leap, It'll be worth it! Don't look back and see what might have been, look back at a life well lived.