I've always been told that I should love myself for who I am, that instead of trying to change myself or fix myself I should love who I am, because in the end all of the fixing in the world won't change how I feel about who I am. This has never been in relation to being trans btw, just a general sentiment about life.
I generally agree with this principle, which makes me both confused and nervous about being trans. I feel both that I want to transition and live my life as a female but also that I should be trying harder to love myself as a male. I worry that though I feel like I want to be female, that going through all of the work to do so won't make me happier, or that nothing will really make me happier at all.
This is probably just part of the doubt that all trans people feel. I'm still at the point where I feel more that I want to be female (and don't want to be male) than that I already am female, and I worry a lot that if I go through with transitioning I'll find that the grass wasn't as green on the other side as I thought it was.
Yes, almost all of us go through those doubts. For some, they are recurring.
Before you can love yourself for who you are, you have to figure out who that is. But you won't know the full you until you get there. So the only way to find out is to take small steps and assess each step to see if it feels more authentic or less.
Each step on my journey so far has been scary as heck. Signing up on Susan's Place, coming out to my wife, seeing a therapist, opening up about my past, starting HRT, starting full-time. Some steps almost defeated me. But each step on the way, I felt relief that I was moving towards more authenticity. None of the steps felt after the fact like it had been a mistake.
So that tells me that, even though I don't yet fell like I "am" a woman, I am moving in the right direction for me. I feel like I am dropping the layers of deception that were covering the real me. Eventually, perhaps I will feel like I am and have always been a woman. Whether or not that is where this road takes me, I know that I am being more my authentic self with each step.
I agree with Kathy, taking small steps and seeing how you feel is the best way to understand what works for you and where you are in the trans spectrum.
"Wanting" to be female doesn't necessarily mean you *have to* transition. There's other options, you just need to find out which one is better for you.
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I've fully accepted that I am transgender. I even love that about myself, as imperfect as any female part of me is.
But, I love my wife and don't want her to live a day of trouble in her life.
So I have this tortrurous internal conflict.
Three years after first tumbling down the rabbit hole, in my most recent session with my therapist, I was able to say that I both like and in fact love myself. This has come at huge personal costs however.
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Make no mistake, I love to dress up. I've crossdressed most my life totaling at least 5000 times. But the biggest benefit has been the mental aspects. I have been on anti depressants for 30 years and none of them work as well as estradiol. There were weeks where I would spend eight hours with my wife and when so goes to work, I spent the day pretending I was a woman. I believed all the lies that I was somehow a pervert and chose this for myself. I finally did choose but only because I could not cope anymore. It was predetermined that I was transgender and try as I might I could not overcome the sense that things were not what they were intended to be. But the anger is now gone and the healing has begun. But, there is always a but. I have been married for 35 years and have been through so much with my wife. She has been my rock. I love her and our kids. But the kids have grown up and it is my time, as everyday I survive, is a gift. And this gift has kept on giving for 30 years. I want to use this time as an activist for human rights. My strength varies from day to day, but when feeling good I want to make a difference. I have discovered a force of nature in this arena and her strength in addressing injustice is so inspiring. Thank you Evelyn Dickenson
I didn't realize how much I disliked my fake self, until I finally accepted my authentic self as transgender. I can't say that I "love" myself, but at least I like myself a lot better. It came down to which pain was worse? Dealing with the social consequences of being transgender or staying unhappy. I have to live with myself 24/7, so I chose to be happy. There is no way I could go back to being that other person. I'm not saying its all candy and nuts for me now, but that would terrify me more than anything.
Quote from: FlightlessFootwear on September 10, 2017, 06:55:55 PM
I've always been told that I should love myself for who I am, that instead of trying to change myself or fix myself I should love who I am ... I generally agree with this principle, which makes me both confused and nervous about being trans. ... I want to transition and ... but also that I should be trying harder to love myself as a male. ... that going through all of the work to do so won't make me happier, or that nothing will really make me happier at all.
...
I'm still at the point where I feel more that I want to be female (and don't want to be male) than that I already am female, and I worry a lot that if I go through with transitioning I'll find that the grass wasn't as green on the other side as I thought it was.
Not uncommon thinking. You need to figure out your own story but for me that sort of thinking was sort of an "appreciation philosophy" ... sitting on life's couch like a good little person, not taking risks, not doing what I wanted to do... just appreciating like a good little person... oh soo good I was... soo appreciative... on hindsight... bah... so glad I learned to "be" who I wanted to be each day, let true identity emerge from that.
Before, my identity was lost amidst mud puddles of appreciation philosophy. Don't get me wrong... appreciation is wonderful... very critical to summon (but in the right way)... I haven't stopped using that word appreciation to describe how I feel about others or life, it's just I used to use it way too much all as a way of being a very agreeable unhappy person. I think transition was a huge step in me finally making my a own choices and living/owning my own life in a very wonderful way.
That's just my general experience ... this is not to say you need to take transition steps... only you can figure that out... Gender therapy is a great way to work that stuff out assuming you can find an excellent therapist.
Each person finds their own way, what works... I usually feel, though, when I see any length of contemplation between a "norm" and a desire to express fem to some degree... I'd tend to bet the person is trans to some degree and is wanting to find it is okay to be just that.
A good way to proceed, I feel, is to simply try things daily as you feel... if you want to wear a dress or makeup, do it and don't logically worry about who you are as justification... let who you are bubble up out of your harmless exploration. You don't need boxy justification to try harmless irreversible things. Trying such things isn't a referendum of who are you or have been... and you may discover something lovely about yourself in the mix!