So I decided to look for conversations I had with a friend 3 years ago when I came out to her as trans after my first attempt at therapy. I found the messages and OMG! It's like I'm stuck in the exact same place now! Everything I told her back then is what is happening to me at the moment (except this time I got a bit further than last time)...I realize that fear paralyzed me back then and it's paralyzing me now, making me doubt and rationalize and undermine my dysphoria to try and convince myself that I'm not trans enough to pursue transition.
Just wanted to share this strategy with all confused souls out there, if you have by any chance, any old conversations, text messages, written diary entries, anything that can remind you of what you thought and said in the past, it can be an enlightening experience.
I realized I need to do something about my fear so I don't keep repeating this pattern and ultimately wasting more time.
Welcome to the club of back sliding! Inching forward! I'm stalled again too! Life! Lol
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I have seven years worth of posts here on Susan's. Looking back, the changes in me have been profound.
You need to keep marching, the answers are ahead of you, not behind.
Hugs, Devlyn
I also recommend a glance back in time. I just took another look today. I've come a long ways but have so far to go yet.
I am still making progress albeit at a slower pace.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 12, 2017, 06:25:42 PM
You need to keep marching, the answers are ahead of you, not behind.
Hugs, Devlyn
True this, if you dwell too long in the past you never make forward progress
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 12, 2017, 03:21:25 PM
So I decided to look for conversations I had with a friend 3 years ago when I came out to her as trans after my first attempt at therapy. I found the messages and OMG! It's like I'm stuck in the exact same place now! Everything I told her back then is what is happening to me at the moment (except this time I got a bit further than last time)...I realize that fear paralyzed me back then and it's paralyzing me now, making me doubt and rationalize and undermine my dysphoria to try and convince myself that I'm not trans enough to pursue transition.
Just wanted to share this strategy with all confused souls out there, if you have by any chance, any old conversations, text messages, written diary entries, anything that can remind you of what you thought and said in the past, it can be an enlightening experience.
I realized I need to do something about my fear so I don't keep repeating this pattern and ultimately wasting more time.
Charlie take it from someone who procrastinated for half a century. Every journey begins with the first step.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 12, 2017, 03:21:25 PM
It's like I'm stuck in the exact same place now!
Except you're really not are you. This time around you have more experience, like Bill Murray in Ground Hog Day. Keep at it and eventually you'll get it worked out.
Like the old saying, "if you keep doing things the same way and expect different results . . .
Quote from: Janes Groove on September 12, 2017, 10:07:41 PM
Except you're really not are you. This time around you have more experience, like Bill Murray in Ground Hog Day. Keep at it and eventually you'll get it worked out.
Like the old saying, "if you keep doing things the same way and expect different results . . .
So true!! It's time to stay on this lane and try this approach, instead of backing out.
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Quote from: V M on September 12, 2017, 07:27:13 PM
True this, if you dwell too long in the past you never make forward progress
Yes but I wasn't dwelling on the past. More like trying to remember how I felt back then on my first attempt at transitioning. It really was a great idea to read that conversation, it made me realize that my doubts right now are a product of fear and nothing else. It has happened before and if I stop now, dysphoria will come back and the same thing will happen until I grow a pair and do something about it.
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Quote from: DawnOday on September 12, 2017, 07:41:18 PM
Charlie take it from someone who procrastinated for half a century. Every journey begins with the first step.
You are right. I guess I have already taken that first step. And a few more.
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 12, 2017, 03:21:25 PM
So I decided to look for conversations I had with a friend 3 years ago when I came out to her as trans after my first attempt at therapy. I found the messages and OMG! It's like I'm stuck in the exact same place now! Everything I told her back then is what is happening to me at the moment (except this time I got a bit further than last time)...I realize that fear paralyzed me back then and it's paralyzing me now, making me doubt and rationalize and undermine my dysphoria to try and convince myself that I'm not trans enough to pursue transition.
Just wanted to share this strategy with all confused souls out there, if you have by any chance, any old conversations, text messages, written diary entries, anything that can remind you of what you thought and said in the past, it can be an enlightening experience.
I realized I need to do something about my fear so I don't keep repeating this pattern and ultimately wasting more time.
If I tried this I'd really be depressed. Plus I have the every weeks of playing "Broken Record" with my therapist. It's amazing, her patience, I would have clubbed me to death like a baby seal on the ice sheet if I were her
Life at the intersection of Hopelessness & Futility.
But, that is if I keep on choosing only to see the negatives. No doubt, in many ways my life is sort of "Stuck". In some ways on "Auto-Pilot" with plenty of "Have-Too's" and even more "Need-Too's" just to get by. To survive. Just like every other person that doesn't have a few wheelbarrows full of FU money and/or no life tightly intertwined with someone else. There is always that constant battle of Balance between Needs, Want's Hopes, Wishes, and Dreams.
In that respect we are a lot like so-called "Normal" people. Just different desires
Like a few others that already commented, I spent decades avoiding "The Fight". Just learning that you can't, that you NEED to take on the Trans-Beast, somehow, in some way, that makes your life work with minimum disruption. (Of course, this assumes the GD is not all consuming. It does not rule every hour of my day, and night ).
I had 2 utter-fail transition experiments in my long distant past. I was not up to a third, yet I knew, I learned an Absolute Truth; Everything else I tried Does Not Work. I took my first small baby-steps, followed by many many more. I won't lie and say seeing so many other of my support group new members come to their first ever meeting feeling a lot like I was and a year later living full-time did not bother me. Hell Yes it does. I also have different needs, far different from theirs and live a far different life.
I also can look back today and see another "Absolute Truth"; I am a far better person today then before. Perfect, no. Totally complicated? Hell Yes. Totally frustrating sometimes. Oh yes. Many aspects of my life the same as it was 8 years ago? For Sure. What now 60-Something cannot say that? OK Caitlin Jenner maybe, but there is that wheelbarrow of FU money thingy she got going for her.
Is my life today where I want it to be? Far from it. Is it where it needs to be for me, the totality of me, the other aspects as important as dealing with the GD? I like to think it's a Yes. If I don't think positively, when I see my therapist later today I'll be hoping she pulls out that club and.....
I know that for me fear is the biggest stumbling block. My first dreams of transitioning started in earnest about 35 years ago. I had a good opportunity and backed out because of fears of what others might think. Again and again I have thought about it, taken initial steps towards it, only to back down, repress my feelings and slide into deeper and darker depression.
I can't live that way any longer, shouldn't have lived that way to begin with, so now I'm really going for it.
Keep at it and keep mindful of what is best for you.
You are only on your second attempt at transitioning? I am on my fourth! Like others have said, you learn from your experiences.
The other confusing part is that I don't feel bad, at the moment, about stopping. For briefs moments here and there I sort of freak out about losing the small physical changes I gained (softer skin, less body hair and aching nipples mostly) but at the same time I look at myself in the mirror and I don't look sick anymore (I lost too much weight and looked too pale with dark circles under my eyes, I feel it was the spiro), it's like the skin in my face looks pink and blushed again...And I like it. I kinda feel like continuing laser but at the same time I don't dislike the facial hair I see...Is it deep denial? Is it that I'm just feeling a bit relieved of getting my life back? Is this temporary only to slip back into dysphoria in a few months? Is this just a distraction? Please tell me how you felt after you stopped each time. And if this apparent relief I'm feeling is common after thinking my world was crumbing and transition was impossible/not necessary.