Hello everyone,
I have searched for somewhere online to make a post like this and I am hoping that I have come to the right place. I am a cisgender heterosexual male and a few months ago, I met my current girlfriend. She is a transgender woman who has not had any surgery yet, however I do not have any issues with this. The problem I have come here today with is that my girlfriend does indeed want to have surgery done, eventually (her choice without any pressure from me), however due to her social situation she will likely be unable to for the foreseeable future (we both live in Canada but she is not a Canadian citizen and does not have a permanent resident card meaning she isn't covered under the healthcare system).
Due to this, the thought of getting surgery often comes to her mind but when she realizes that she will be unable to get it for at least a few years she becomes sad and I try my best to comfort her by calling her or messaging her whenever I can (we live about 30 minutes drive away from each other and I'm the only one with a car). The issue is that in my personal experience prior to meeting her, I have not really had any close interactions with anyone from the LGBT community and thus I struggle to find the proper words to comfort her.
It frustrates me knowing that she is going through a rough time in her life while I am unable to help her. When I ask her how I can help her, she tells me that she doesn't know what I can do. I try my best to distract her from thinking about it by playing video games with her or watching movies or just having fun and silly conversations with her to keep her mind on something positive, but it seems as though the thoughts always find their way back into her mind and she quickly becomes saddened by them, sometimes spontaneously bursting into tears.
I truly do care for her and I want to do everything I can to help her through this time but again, as I lack the knowledge and experience of interacting with members of this community I seem to not be able to find any words to say that can keep her happy. I have considered speaking with family members who have more experience interacting with this community (most notable my sister who is taking a law degree in social justice), however despite the fact that I know my family would accept her I also know that she is slow to come out and so I don't wish to make her uncomfortable by discussing it with my family. Thus, I have turned to this anonymous blog, in the hopes that I can gain some knowledge as to how I can better interact with her and help her through this rough time period.
Any and all advice is greatly appreciated!
Dear Frisbee68
Welcome to Susan's
I find it commendable that you are searching for ways to help her. Personally I would think that you keep doing as you are, keep loving her and reassuring her that she will be able to have the surgery and it just going to take a bit of time. I understand how she feels but having said that I know that here are people who love and respect me wether I have had surgery or not. There are clearly people in her life that care for her deeply.
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Hi Frisbee,
My therapist has told me several times that sometimes in our transition we will feel like we are inside a hole and that nobody can help us, like someone throwing a rope at us so we can get out but we don't grab it. When this happens, the best someone close to us can do is throw a blanket instead... Meaning just be there for her, support her, love her and be patient. Being transgender is not easy and she will have tough moments, and unfortunately sometimes you won't be able to do anything besides comforting her and being there for her.
You are doing good, and you seem like a great man. Lots of us would love to have someone like you by our side. Just keep doing what you're doing. Hugs!
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You're doing great with her! A therapist connected with the LGBTQ community could help both of you. I say this from experience. Here is a link to a national database (Canada included) of gender therapists if you decide to go that route. It's how I found my therapist, and she's great. Hopefully you don't live too far from one of the cities listed. Keep loving. It's the best "medicine." Sending good vibes your way! :angel:
https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/transgender
This might sound crazy, but have you thought about marrying her so she can get her residency and all medical services?