Yesterday I was at an LBGT event (funny how I'm always the only T at these events, but that's okay) and I was chatting with one of the organizers who I've known for a few months said to me "You own this, that's what I like about you Denise, you are so confident and you own who you are." Apparently other transgender people he knows, he continued, are reserved, stand-offish, quiet. Not me. I'm right there. I'll talk to anyone about just about anything.
But, and this is why I tell this story, it wasn't until later I did some self-reflection as to why? at the beginning of my transition (just under 2 years since coming out) I was definitely nervous at these types of events and meeting new people. I wasn't worried I'd run into someone I knew (if I did, then that's one less person to come out to later) it was more negative emotions like being nervous, scared, embarrassed etc. But in the last few months I've realized, this is me, I am Denise. (This is the important part) NOBODY CARES and if they do I DON'T.
So some of you are probably scared to transition or to take the next step, meet new people, new situations etc... I totally understand it (I've been there too) but I think the lesson is take a deep breath, nobody really cares and you shouldn't either. Own who you are. Be confident in being yourself.
Wear the comfortable shoes and throw away those that rub you the wrong way.
Quote from: Denise on September 15, 2017, 01:01:12 PM
I was definitely nervous at these types of events and meeting new people. I wasn't worried I'd run into someone I knew (if I did, then that's one less person to come out to later) it was more negative emotions like being nervous, scared, embarrassed etc. But in the last few months I've realized, this is me, I am Denise. (This is the important part) NOBODY CARES and if they do I DON'T.
Own who you are. Be confident in being yourself.
Wear the comfortable shoes and throw away those that rub you the wrong way.
Hi Denise,
I think what you are talking about is pretty much how I felt by the time I returned from my little trip. At the start I was that nervous, scared person you described. But as I met more and more of the denizens from Susan's I gained in confidence in who I am. I had and have more work needed when I got home but my course is set. Now I do not want to be that costumed guy that let home. I am who I am and that is a woman. Now I need to work on the presentation.
Hugs,
Laurie
Denise, that's great. I think all of us new transitioners know the fear and shut down. My first group meeting I forced my way in a bit late Sat down, no eye contact. Then when I was called upon, nearly burst into tears. My second group is tonight. I will try and channel you to actually open up.
Denise, when I grasped the NOBODY CARES thing, I achieved the same attitude to life, it's so freeing isn't it!
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Quote from: Bari Jo on September 15, 2017, 01:59:36 PM
... nearly burst into tears. My second group is tonight. I will try and channel you to actually open up.
Bari Jo,
Try to remember this about "group session".
1) you don't know anyone
2) no one knows you
3) Everyone there is your com padre as they are/have/will be there too
4) Generally people are there to get answers and I GUARANTEE you that being judgemental is the furthest from anyone's mind. Oh, people will compare themselves.
When you open the door tonight, "barge into the room" like you own the place. Like you are the one everyone is waiting for, like this is YOUR session that you are running (thank God we don't have to though, right?). Give people the impression this is "NO BIG DEAL".
Quote from: meganjames2 on September 15, 2017, 02:29:05 PM
Denise, when I grasped the NOBODY CARES thing, I achieved the same attitude to life, it's so freeing isn't it!
It took me a year to understand (knowing and understanding are different) the nobody cares thought. I'm Denise if you don't like it, sorry.
Quote from: meganjames2 on September 15, 2017, 02:29:05 PM
Denise, when I grasped the NOBODY CARES thing, I achieved the same attitude to life, it's so freeing isn't it!
This is really the crux of the biscuit isn't it? It's all about the NOBODY CARES thing. Once you master that, the world is yours!
I'm a NOBODY CARES card carrying member with I'm Devlyn if you don't like it, sorry priviliges. ;D
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Denise on September 15, 2017, 01:01:12 PM
So some of you are probably scared to transition or to take the next step, meet new people, new situations etc... I totally understand it (I've been there too) but I think the lesson is take a deep breath, nobody really cares and you shouldn't either. Own who you are. Be confident in being yourself.
Wear the comfortable shoes and throw away those that rub you the wrong way.
Good night!
Indeed I am that way yet, I will keep what you said in my grey matter. I have been noticing which as you said, people care less about me than I though my entire life.
Regards,
Tsukiyoarts
Quote from: Denise on September 15, 2017, 01:01:12 PM
Yesterday I was at an LBGT event (funny how I'm always the only T at these events, but that's okay) and I was chatting with one of the organizers who I've known for a few months said to me "You own this, that's what I like about you Denise, you are so confident and you own who you are." Apparently other transgender people he knows, he continued, are reserved, stand-offish, quiet. Not me. I'm right there. I'll talk to anyone about just about anything.
But, and this is why I tell this story, it wasn't until later I did some self-reflection as to why? at the beginning of my transition (just under 2 years since coming out) I was definitely nervous at these types of events and meeting new people. I wasn't worried I'd run into someone I knew (if I did, then that's one less person to come out to later) it was more negative emotions like being nervous, scared, embarrassed etc. But in the last few months I've realized, this is me, I am Denise. (This is the important part) NOBODY CARES and if they do I DON'T.
So some of you are probably scared to transition or to take the next step, meet new people, new situations etc... I totally understand it (I've been there too) but I think the lesson is take a deep breath, nobody really cares and you shouldn't either. Own who you are. Be confident in being yourself.
Wear the comfortable shoes and throw away those that rub you the wrong way.
I applaud you being you, Denise. Maybe I am the opposite. Although I have been known to be silly or playful at times, I am by nature a somewhat shy person. One of those quiet trans folks, I think! Partly I don't trust my voice, it is unpredictable. This situation has had a side effect of me becoming more of a listener. I like that and think I am calmer this way. I don't like that I tend to want to limit my vocal interactions though. I don't want fear or nervousness about something like this to rule me. It isn't me not owning who I am though. With my personality, I would rather have one deep conversation with a person rather than a multitude of 'surface' encounters. I will be honest and say I do care what people think. It hasn't stopped me from transitioning though. I think knowing yourself and being confident don't necessarily mean you no longer care what people think of you. I care about their opinions, but no one is steering me away from my core self. Just a different perspective, not trying to argue any point!
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on September 15, 2017, 09:46:04 PM
... I think knowing yourself and being confident don't necessarily mean you no longer care what people think of you. I care about their opinions, but no one is steering me away from my core self. Just a different perspective, not trying to argue any point!
Moni
Moni,
I think you misunderstood the Nobody Cares thought. People do care about me. I know that by the reactions when I'm obviously not doing well. And yes I have my bad days when the tears start and don't stop for a long time.
What I mean by Nobody Cares is that nobody cares that I'm trans or that I'm not as I appear. People are in their own world and unless they are looking for it, don't say anything. Case in point...
I just moved into a new apartment in Chicago. My neighbor and I happened to both walk out at the same time going to the same store about a 5 or 10 minute walk. We chatted both ways. As we were getting near the apartment I said "You may have noticed that I'm not like everyone else." Her reaction was perfect "Yeah I noticed" and that was it. The fact that I was trans didn't enter into any of our conversation (until I brought it up) nor did it stop her from telling me about her kids and her divorce 15 years earlier.
Basically she didn't care that I was trans. So I guess the statement should be "Nobody cares that I'm trans." You could go even further with "Nobody cares, in a negative way, that I'm trans." Some sales clerks (typically CIS women) give a little extra help, I assume they assume that I need help picking out matching outfits or that special size (no, I don't but thank you for the assistance, I'll take it)
About the voice - I'm only about 1/3 to 1/2 way to where I want to be. I'm accepting of the current plateau and in the future I'll put in a real effort to go further. But that's part of "owning who I am." I accept that my voice isn't perfect and sometimes it's better than others. BUT that's part of my confidence. I am who I am, voice and all. However, when I'm "at the counter" dealing with a sales clerk that I will interact with for exactly 60 seconds, I try to put on as feminine voice as I know how. However, when I'm in a party situation I don't try as hard. I want people who I'll be with all night to understand who I am, again I own this voice and unless I go into an "announcer voice" I'm okay with it.
There are a lot of people who care, just very very few who care that I'm trans.
I hope that explains my confidence and what I mean better. Thanks for your comment/reply.
Quote from: Denise on September 15, 2017, 02:49:19 PM
Bari Jo,
Try to remember this about "group session".
1) you don't know anyone
2) no one knows you
3) Everyone there is your com padre as they are/have/will be there too
4) Generally people are there to get answers and I GUARANTEE you that being judgemental is the furthest from anyone's mind. Oh, people will compare themselves.
When you open the door tonight, "barge into the room" like you own the place. Like you are the one everyone is waiting for, like this is YOUR session that you are running (thank God we don't have to though, right?). Give people the impression this is "NO BIG DEAL".
It took me a year to understand (knowing and understanding are different) the nobody cares thought. I'm Denise if you don't like it, sorry.
Group is now over, it was much much easier this time. I did get choked up once talking about my history, but other than that, I felt good. I made a contact for cheap electrolysis too!
Bari Jo
Quote from: Bari Jo on September 16, 2017, 01:00:28 AM
....it was much much easier this time....
And the next time it will be easier.
Quote from: Bari Jo on September 16, 2017, 01:00:28 AM
I did get choked up once talking about my history, but other than that, I felt good. ...
This is quite normal. Most of the people in our support group get choked up. I did at our last meeting. It was very therapeutic.
Quote from: Bari Jo on September 16, 2017, 01:00:28 AM
... I made a contact for cheap electrolysis too!
That, my friend, is a huge bonus!!!
I'm glad it worked out okay and that it was a positive experience. Keep it up!!
"Nobody cares..."
Succinct, and so true.
I'm 10 years full time, and no matter where I go - the grocery store, Costco, Cabelas (I'm a regular there haha), our local pub, church...no matter where, no one cares.
And, I never took any voice lessons, no vocal chord surgery.
Why? Because nobody cares!!