Hi everyone, I hope this is in the right place....
Basically, I see my future as female, I can't stay as male for any longer, when I look feminine I feel great, when I see a man in the mirror I feel like crap. I'm transgender. And I can just imagine starting on HRT, feeling my skin softening, my agression lowering, crying more, growing (mini) breasts...and it feels incredible. And yet, I'm not 100% sure it's the right thing. In some sense, like I might regret it? I can't say how. But here's the thing. With my body as it is, I feel I'm standing still. I need to move forward. I refuse to sit still on this.
So I tell myself, I'll go to the appointments, I'll tell them what they want to hear (selective truth about my life), I'll get onto hormones, I'll freeze some sperm, and then nothing's irreversible if it turns out not to be right - sterility doesn't bother me right now, and right now is when I make the decision. (For practical gate-keeping related stuff, I'm in the UK.)
But, well, what do you guys think? Anyone else who wasn't 100% before starting hormones? Did you feel the changes happening and realise it was completely right, as I feel I will? I feel like I'm in catch 22 at the mo. I can't start HRT until I'm sure. But I can't be sure until I start.
J xx
Quote from: Jenny94 on September 20, 2017, 06:51:11 PM
Hi everyone, I hope this is in the right place....
Basically, I see my future as female, I can't stay as male for any longer, when I look feminine I feel great, when I see a man in the mirror I feel like crap. I'm transgender. And I can just imagine starting on HRT, feeling my skin softening, my agression lowering, crying more, growing (mini) breasts...and it feels incredible. And yet, I'm not 100% sure it's the right thing. In some sense, like I might regret it? I can't say how. But here's the thing. With my body as it is, I feel I'm standing still. I need to move forward. I refuse to sit still on this.
So I tell myself, I'll go to the appointments, I'll tell them what they want to hear (selective truth about my life), I'll get onto hormones, I'll freeze some sperm, and then nothing's irreversible if it turns out not to be right - sterility doesn't bother me right now, and right now is when I make the decision. (For practical gate-keeping related stuff, I'm in the UK.)
But, well, what do you guys think? Anyone else who wasn't 100% before starting hormones? Did you feel the changes happening and realise it was completely right, as I feel I will? I feel like I'm in catch 22 at the mo. I can't start HRT until I'm sure. But I can't be sure until I start.
J xx
I would be honest with your docs cause otherwise you might not get the best advice.
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I'll be honest with my counsellors. Not with the docs. They have a form to fill, and I'm not keen on being a victim of the system...
Be honest with everyone.
Doubts are normal and most gender specialists will understand that.
You need to be honest with your gender councillor and endo. They will have seen many other transgender people and will understand.
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You don't have to be 100% sure. There IS no way to be 100% sure until you try it.
In my case, my counselor is also my psychiatrist. He had prescribed a couple of antidepressants which I didn't tolerate very well. He suggested estrogen since much of my depression was due to gender dysphoria. I said I wasn't sure and he said, "no, of course not."
Maybe I was just lucky as hell with my physician, but I don't think that my experience was atypical. I recommend telling the truth to your counselors. They aren't just gatekeepers; they have something real to offer.
Quote from: rmaddy on September 20, 2017, 08:04:45 PM
You don't have to be 100% sure. There IS no way to be 100% sure until you try it.
Phew. That's good to hear.
But yeah, the people here who actually prescribe hormones, they won't do it unless I qualify as "transsexual". If that sounds mediaeval, that's because it is. I'll work things out with my counsellor, but at the gender clinic, it's a test, there's no two ways about it. If they get a whiff of non-binary, it's an extra year's wait.
I'm telling you straight out from experience that isn't true.
Quote from: Jenny94 on September 20, 2017, 09:31:25 PM
Phew. That's good to hear.
But yeah, the people here who actually prescribe hormones, they won't do it unless I qualify as "transsexual". If that sounds mediaeval, that's because it is. I'll work things out with my counsellor, but at the gender clinic, it's a test, there's no two ways about it. If they get a whiff of non-binary, it's an extra year's wait.
That sucks I'm sorry to hear it, were im from you only have to be over 18 and not oblivously crazy. The docs might want to talk it out and take it slow but its really your choice.
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Quote from: rmaddy on September 20, 2017, 10:18:28 PM
I'm telling you straight out from experience that isn't true.
What experience? You've gone through the system in the UK as an NB, have you?
Quote from: Jenny94 on September 20, 2017, 06:51:11 PM
Basically, I see my future as female, I can't stay as male for any longer, when I look feminine I feel great, when I see a man in the mirror I feel like crap. I'm transgender. And I can just imagine starting on HRT, feeling my skin softening, my agression lowering, crying more, growing (mini) breasts...and it feels incredible. And yet, I'm not 100% sure it's the right thing. In some sense, like I might regret it? I can't say how. But here's the thing. With my body as it is, I feel I'm standing still. I need to move forward. I refuse to sit still on this.
Doubt is normal however the above doesn't sound to me like you are attracted to a male identity or a non binary. It sounds about as close to transsexual as you get.
I had a different solution.
There was a time I was less than 80% sure - quite a bit less. So I went for laser hair removal and got serious about electrolysis, and almost finished that before starting HRT. Here's my reasoning: if I didn't transition, at least I wouldn't have to scrape my stubble every day forever as I age.
Now I am about to go full time with one less thing to deal with. Makeup takes 5 minutes or less, I don't wear foundation. I really like HRT now but that didn't solve one of my former barriers to MtF transition - facial hair.
Quote from: rmaddy on September 20, 2017, 08:04:45 PM
You don't have to be 100% sure. There IS no way to be 100% sure until you try it.
And, conversely, you may not be 100% sure even after you start.
Quote from: Kendra on September 20, 2017, 11:52:04 PM
There was a time I was less than 80% sure - quite a bit less. So I went for laser hair removal and got serious about electrolysis, and almost finished that before starting HRT. Here's my reasoning: if I didn't transition, at least I wouldn't have to scrape my stubble every day forever as I age.
Kendra, I wish I'd had the foresight to do that. Would be one less thing to worry about. My beard is gray now, so laser isn't an option any more.
Quote from: Jenny94 on September 20, 2017, 06:51:11 PM
But, well, what do you guys think?
I think you'll hear a lot of confirmation and selection bias on this site. Finding a competent professional and being straightforward and honest with them will benefit you.
Quote from: Jenny94 on September 20, 2017, 06:51:11 PM
So I tell myself, I'll go to the appointments, I'll tell them what they want to hear (selective truth about my life)
Forgive me, but I disagree. I think you'll be telling them what
you want them to hear, but as we say, YMMV.
All the best,
--AshleyP
Quote from: Jenny94 on September 20, 2017, 10:29:55 PM
What experience? You've gone through the system in the UK as an NB, have you?
US, but my thinking was at least as NB as yours is right now at the time. I was still actively looking for a way not to transition at the time.
I don't think you're going to run into the brick wall you imagine to be there. You're pretty recognizably transsexual by your self-description, and they are there to help you. Hormones are a mostly reversible intervention, and they will generally do what you want.
Quote from: Jenny94 on September 20, 2017, 06:51:11 PM
Hi everyone, I hope this is in the right place....
But, well, what do you guys think? Anyone else who wasn't 100% before starting hormones? Did you feel the changes happening and realise it was completely right, as I feel I will? I feel like I'm in catch 22 at the mo. I can't start HRT until I'm sure. But I can't be sure until I start.
J xx
Hi Jenny,
Yes, you are in the right place. So just relax and settle yourself in.
To answer your question as to whether any of us have had the doubts that we were doing the right thing I'll offer you a short post of mine from lat January. I had already been taking spiro and estradiol for a couple of months at the time. I think it will answer your question.
btw I was going by Jeanette back then.
QuoteHi Asche
I don't think it qualifies as terror. But it is definitely apprehension and fear.
I also do not think it is learning more about me
There is some aspect of " am I really trans " for sure but not so much.
Fear that this means it's going to be really real? This one is a FOR SURE. Each and every step has has filled me with apprehension and makes it more real. Each step feels as you say "irrevocable" They haven't made it any easier.
When I started HRT, I felt I could do it and stop if I decided it wasn't right for me, I haven't stopped and I am running out of that grace period where it wasn't irrevocable. I haven't stopped, yet. But I still have those nagging doubts. With each doctor visit I delve deeper into belonging here, really belonging. I think I fear that being true.
I'm not sure that makes any sense.
Jeanette
Heck I'm even crying about it now. Dang hormones.
When I started HRT it was clearly intended to be a trial to see how I feel and I gave myself 6 month to see. I was maybe at 75% sure when I went to the doctor to get my prescription. At 80% when I picked up the blue pills an hour later... Within 2 weeks I was at 90% and within 3 month I knew that this was it!
9 month in now and no intention to stop. Do I still have doubts? Oh yes. Every day. Do I see how my live has changed for the better? Every day when I look in the mirror and see a happy face no matter what live throws at me. And just being able to look at myself in the mirror is something I regard as one of the greatest changes...
Quote from: Jenny94 on September 20, 2017, 06:51:11 PM
Hi everyone, I hope this is in the right place....
But, well, what do you guys think? Anyone else who wasn't 100% before starting hormones? Did you feel the changes happening and realise it was completely right, as I feel I will? I feel like I'm in catch 22 at the mo. I can't start HRT until I'm sure. But I can't be sure until I start.
J xx
Jenny, I don't know what to tell you, and I wish you the best. I was getting ready to tell you just be honest, then I read UK. :(
If you read my orchiectomy story, I told my whole NB truth. The therapist wrote a Standard Trans Narrative letter for me because the insurance company does require certain language and conditions. Again, I wish you the best navigating the minefield.
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Jenny94 on September 20, 2017, 06:51:11 PM
... and then nothing's irreversible if it turns out not to be right - sterility doesn't bother me right now, ...
When I started HRT I was under the impression it was anything but reversible from a fertility standpoint. This is based on the notion that some studies (which I don't know about concretely but believed the source which told me) revealed there seemed to be potential connections indicating that any consumption of female hormones by a genetic male body may permanently effect the nature of what otherwise seem like healthy sperm. With that in mind, even if I had to stopped HRT only after one week (where I'd likely still have active sperm) there was a chance relying on that sperm could be inadvisable. Even if overly cautious, I didn't want to mess around with problematic fertility so I treated that warning as a certainty.
For this reason I decided not begin any HRT until I was sure and ready I'd never want to rely on my own biological fertility. For me this meant being past successful cryo, trusting the cryo as my new biological clock, and being past using my body for fertility purposes for the rest of my life.
I agree with others... there is no 100% in that there is no guarantee how you'll feel until after taking steps but that's no reason not to clearly perceive your own concerns. HRT is not to be taken lightly. I waited for 9 months after full approval and availability of HRT before beginning. In that 9 month period, I wanted to start so badly... I wanted what I felt were the results but was uncertain of compromising my fertility... I wasn't sure I trusted cryo... I wanted to understand how I'd feel should there be an earthquake the jeopardized my cryo (they are protected from that but mistakes can happen in life). I got to a good point where it was time... so I began.
I found waiting for 100% certainty to largely be a good excuse to avoid risk to the point of compromising health. Life can sometimes be toxic without healthy or well-thought out risk... it's tough because risk is risk so one must assume risk when taking risks. I wouldn't use any of that to gloss over genuine concerns. I'd prefer to be overly cautious and eventually come round, than to be super hasty and thoughtless with critical life decisions. YMMV.
As long as you have a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria you might be able to push a doctor into prescribing hormones even if they don't think you are transsexual. The whole reason for a trans patient needing to be on hormones for X amount of time before surgery in WPATH and similar programs is because that gives the person time to not only adjust to living as a female but also so they can decide if they are 100% ready to transition. HRT is for the most part reversible even years down the line, but surgery is permanent. I don't know what protocol they use in the UK for handling transgender patients, but if you present them with your diagnosis and a concrete plan of what you are wanting they should be convinced at least that you aren't just being impulsive about it.
I've read so many bad things about the UK and NHS for trans people that the last thing I would do is tell them the truth. And if I were NB (which I'm probably not) then even more so. Sometimes you need to look after your own health, the trick is to work out when that means relying on others and when it does not.
I was sure I was trans, because its a spectrum and I was clearly on it, at least a little bit. Cis-people don't have these issues, so therefore trans. I started HRT without being sure if it was right thing to do, but I couldn't think of anything else and was slowly going crazy. I then found there was no way to understand being on HRT without actually trying it. That was nearly 10 years ago and I've still not socially transitioned - I don't think they would like that in the UK.
What's right for you only you can decide.
Quote from: Jenny94 on September 20, 2017, 06:51:11 PM
Hi everyone, I hope this is in the right place....
Basically, I see my future as female, I can't stay as male for any longer, when I look feminine I feel great, when I see a man in the mirror I feel like crap. I'm transgender. And I can just imagine starting on HRT, feeling my skin softening, my agression lowering, crying more, growing (mini) breasts...and it feels incredible. And yet, I'm not 100% sure it's the right thing. In some sense, like I might regret it? I can't say how. But here's the thing. With my body as it is, I feel I'm standing still. I need to move forward. I refuse to sit still on this.
So I tell myself, I'll go to the appointments, I'll tell them what they want to hear (selective truth about my life), I'll get onto hormones, I'll freeze some sperm, and then nothing's irreversible if it turns out not to be right - sterility doesn't bother me right now, and right now is when I make the decision. (For practical gate-keeping related stuff, I'm in the UK.)
But, well, what do you guys think? Anyone else who wasn't 100% before starting hormones? Did you feel the changes happening and realise it was completely right, as I feel I will? I feel like I'm in catch 22 at the mo. I can't start HRT until I'm sure. But I can't be sure until I start.
J xx
I think it's normal to not be 100%. I held off on transitioning for 10 yrs cuz I wasn't certain. When I finally was I made the appt for HRT... I started a wk ago 2day! I know I made the right decision, & I'll never look back... except for a small part of me that wishes I had just done it all those yrs ago, if id known I was going to do it eventually... But hindsight & all that... & better late than never! I'd say that if you have any doubt, prior to starting HRT you should seek therapy w/ someone experienced in trans issues, help u explore where ur doubt lies & y. U think u will b able 2 handle it if u change ur mind down the road, but it's best 2 avoid that entirely by taking steps now 2 prevent it. Just my thoughts on it; like I said, only been on HRT for a week so my experience in transitioning is severely limited. Anyway, I wish you luck with everything! If u decide 2 start HRT & want to talk w/ someone else who is just starting, please feel free 2 PM me! I may not have a lot of knowledge on transitioning (yet), but I will be happy 2 share my new experiences!
Much love! -Jessi [emoji173]️
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Hey guys, thanks so much for taking the time to post your stuff, I've found it really helpful.
Quote from: LadyGreen on September 20, 2017, 10:19:47 PM
That sucks I'm sorry to hear it, were im from you only have to be over 18 and not oblivously crazy. The docs might want to talk it out and take it slow but its really your choice.
Wow! Sounds like heaven. Actually, it sounds like common sense, but you know what they say about common sense...
Quote from: Kendra on September 20, 2017, 11:52:04 PMThere was a time I was less than 80% sure - quite a bit less. So I went for laser hair removal and got serious about electrolysis, and almost finished that before starting HRT. Here's my reasoning: if I didn't transition, at least I wouldn't have to scrape my stubble every day forever as I age.
Yeah! I'm going for LHR too. Can't wait. It'll be nice not to have to bother about that every day, since I find shaving physically painful and a bit humiliating. Was actually reading some blogs earlier today by cis women with facial hair, and that made me feel a bit better about having to shave (for the moment).
Quote from: AshleyP on September 21, 2017, 12:15:32 AMI think you'll hear a lot of confirmation and selection bias on this site. Finding a competent professional and being straightforward and honest with them will benefit you.
Good point! I'm starting counselling next week and it's through the university, so I expect someone with trans knowledge (or at least sympathetic). Hopefully I can work things out more fully with them.
QuoteForgive me, but I disagree. I think you'll be telling them what you want them to hear, but as we say, YMMV.
You're right, of course. I'll say whatever I need to to get the "transsexual" diagnosis, but I suck at lying, so it'll just be selective truth-telling, as I've been recommended by people IRL.
Quote from: rmaddy on September 21, 2017, 04:44:47 AMI don't think you're going to run into the brick wall you imagine to be there. You're pretty recognizably transsexual by your self-description, and they are there to help you. Hormones are a mostly reversible intervention, and they will generally do what you want.
I do hope so...Sorry I snapped at you by the way.
Laurie, thank you for showing me your earlier post. It's nice to see that I'm not alone in my uncertainties! Basically, I can accept anything about myself if I can tell myself I'm not the only one. (Which is absurd, I know.) Are the nagging doubts still there?
I'll reply to the rest of you later, when I've got more time :D
J x
Quote from: Jenny94 on September 21, 2017, 02:42:15 PM
Laurie, thank you for showing me your earlier post. It's nice to see that I'm not alone in my uncertainties! Basically, I can accept anything about myself if I can tell myself I'm not the only one. (Which is absurd, I know.) Are the nagging doubts still there?
J x
That post was just one of many like it since I began posting here. I'm 9 months in and living full time for just about 3 months now, so such doubts don't assail me as often. Though I do have the same difficulties with each bigger step I contemplate. It's like I am still trying to hold onto that get out of jail card as a friend pointed out to me in the wee small hours of this morning. One of the big ones for me is when I think of changing my legal name and documents. Each step serves to lock me into this transition more and more and though I am sure this is exactly what I must do to be myself it still scares me with that "What if I am wrong?" feeling. I know I'm not but it's still there.
I envy those that are sure.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Jenny94, doubting is normal and everyone goes through it. Even after starting. I would say I was 90% sure when I started hormones and then went to 60% after 2 months... not because of the hormones per se (I was happy and excited about the changes) but because life got in the way and I started doubting if I was doing the right thing. I'm slowly regaining my confidence and I'm taking my pills after stopping for a couple of weeks.
So when in doubt, don't freak out. We all go through the same.
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Hi Jenny, I just wanted to say that I'm right there alongside you. You summed up my thoughts exactly in that I picture a future as female, and that being male just feels like standing still. The problem is that standing still feels alluringly safe at times. I have a hard time putting a percentage to my "sureness", though it's certainly not 100% by a longshot.
My confidence in my decision is undermined by stray thoughts constantly... I think things like I'm fairly attractive as a male, I could have a solid life, a solid future. Maybe not the life I want most, but a safe life where I don't have to fear being murdered by a date, laughed at or ridiculed. Where I don't have to fight for jobs, insurance coverage over medical bills, and pretty much everything else. A life where I don't have to have what that particularly dreaded discussion with family... Despite those thoughts though, I know that I'm pushing forward towards starting HRT regardless. I even originally wanted to lose more weight first and start at the beginning of next year, but I am feeling more and more like I can't wait and would rather suffer weight loss while on HRT.
And while we often share similar experiences here, we of course think about things and approach them differently. So I don't know if this well help, but on the off chance it does, here is my thought about why I am pushing forward to HRT despite the doubts. I tend to be an analytical person, and my reliance on what feels like logic has gotten me into trouble. It has led to the path of least resistance many times over, doing the safe thing over the gamble. I've used logic essentially as an excuse to put things off indefinitely, including dealing with this issue. So this time I've tried to look at things in a different light, even if still logically, and try not to reason my way into cowardice again. Instead I am pushing myself by using said logic to go for the gamble and set whats "safe" to the side, because like you I am sick of standing still. This all hinges on a few simple things, one leading into the next...
1) Even if I'm unsure of transitioning, I'm definitely transgender.
2) All of the wonderful men and women here who have more experience than I have often one thing in common above all else: Their dysphoria grew. It didn't go away, and it reached a point where they were forced to transition in their 50s, 60s, and maybe older in some cases.
3) Even if my dysphoria is manageable now, and "staying male" is "safe"... Shear numbers say this will most likely not continue to be the case. So why wait? Why wait until I'm approaching 60 and I'm at that inevitable do or die moment instead of just biting the bullet and getting it over with? Because as scary and unsure as I am about doing it at 35, I'm far more scared and unsure about doing this at 55.
4) So essentially... I have my answer and my confidence in my decision despite my not being completely sure. At times maybe not even the 80% you say you have. But I firmly believe that doing the easy thing, the safe thing is a siren's call, that can only cause me heartache in the end.
I made the mistake one time of telling my family that "Of course I'm not sure about all of this!" when they were giving me a hard time about the whole thing. And of course my mother LOVES to use that against me now! "You said you weren't sure, so I just want to explore all options and try to figure out if this is really what you need to do!" As she reads every last one of Walt Heyer's books which very much imply that being transgender is a mental illness brought on by childhood trauma. Gag me!
Anyway, I am just a little over 2 months on MTF HRT now. The instant I started taking it, I had this feeling of euphoria come over me. And I still to this day, feel it. I'm feeling it right now. It's like a took a really good drug. ha ha. I had to double check that I was actually prescribed Estradiol and not oxycodone by mistake or something. It's awesome! And I realize that everyone responds differently to it. But that is the way my body in particular responds to it, and I'm not complaining one bit! I guess my point for saying that..........I too was not 100 percent sure when I started. However, after taking the HRT, it made me feel so good, which in turn made me feel confident that I was doing the right thing. A recent development, is that my nipples pretty consistently hurt for the past few days, and are far more sensitive, and I can feel actual breast tissue growing. It's very exciting! Also about to start on my laser hair removal on my face which my wife bought me for an anniversary gift because she knows I am dying to get rid of my facial hair. That will help boost my confidence a LOT. You can always start on HRT for a while, and if it doesn't feel right, you can stop. I don't believe it will cause any permanent damage to anything. But taking it, may do what it did for me, and make you feel so good, that you become confident in your decision to continue.
Quote from: Roll on September 21, 2017, 04:51:57 PM
Hi Jenny, I just wanted to say that I'm right there alongside you. You summed up my thoughts exactly in that I picture a future as female, and that being male just feels like standing still. The problem is that standing still feels alluringly safe at times. I have a hard time putting a percentage to my "sureness", though it's certainly not 100% by a longshot.
My confidence in my decision is undermined by stray thoughts constantly... I think things like I'm fairly attractive as a male, I could have a solid life, a solid future. Maybe not the life I want most, but a safe life where I don't have to fear being murdered by a date, laughed at or ridiculed. Where I don't have to fight for jobs, insurance coverage over medical bills, and pretty much everything else. A life where I don't have to have what that particularly dreaded discussion with family... Despite those thoughts though, I know that I'm pushing forward towards starting HRT regardless. I even originally wanted to lose more weight first and start at the beginning of next year, but I am feeling more and more like I can't wait and would rather suffer weight loss while on HRT.
And while we often share similar experiences here, we of course think about things and approach them differently. So I don't know if this well help, but on the off chance it does, here is my thought about why I am pushing forward to HRT despite the doubts. I tend to be an analytical person, and my reliance on what feels like logic has gotten me into trouble. It has led to the path of least resistance many times over, doing the safe thing over the gamble. I've used logic essentially as an excuse to put things off indefinitely, including dealing with this issue. So this time I've tried to look at things in a different light, even if still logically, and try not to reason my way into cowardice again. Instead I am pushing myself by using said logic to go for the gamble and set whats "safe" to the side, because like you I am sick of standing still. This all hinges on a few simple things, one leading into the next...
1) Even if I'm unsure of transitioning, I'm definitely transgender.
2) All of the wonderful men and women here who have more experience than I have often one thing in common above all else: Their dysphoria grew. It didn't go away, and it reached a point where they were forced to transition in their 50s, 60s, and maybe older in some cases.
3) Even if my dysphoria is manageable now, and "staying male" is "safe"... Shear numbers say this will most likely not continue to be the case. So why wait? Why wait until I'm approaching 60 and I'm at that inevitable do or die moment instead of just biting the bullet and getting it over with? Because as scary and unsure as I am about doing it at 35, I'm far more scared and unsure about doing this at 55.
4) So essentially... I have my answer and my confidence in my decision despite my not being completely sure. At times maybe not even the 80% you say you have. But I firmly believe that doing the easy thing, the safe thing is a siren's call, that can only cause me heartache in the end.
Roll, you basically summed up how I feel. Especially the part about feeling attractive as a male and despite the doubts fearing that the dysphoria will grow anyways and you'll be forced to transition later in life, while you could've done it in your youth.
Sent you a DM.
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If i had to be 80% sure of anything to move on in life, i am not sure i would get a lot done. :) Seriously though i get how monumental of a decision this is. Everything has to be weighed against your life's priorities, health, relationships etc.
Still, we know how persistent this need is and how many of us can't imagine the alternative. Many of us would not have survived. Some of us have regrets but it is also possible to have regrets and it still being the right decision. Nothing in life is ever clear cut.
There is love to be had out there regardless of the decision made. Becoming your genuine self will likely have benefits you haven't even dreamed of.
Hormones will help you decide if it's right or wrong. Most people gain clarity and feel 100% certain about transitioning after starting hormones.
I'm not sure you can ever be 100%. There is just so much unknown, even after you start. Several people here, including me, started and then stopped. Aside from some small boob tissue that remains, most things are reversible up to four or five months. Maybe go forward, see if it feels right, and if it doesn't then go off the HRT and re-examine life and what feels right for you. The goal is to lessen your dysphoria, and if it works, then bonus. Even in four or five months you will experience changes, and have plenty of oh ->-bleeped-<- moments that will let you question if you are on the right path.
My stopping the first time was to address some baggage I couldn't carry along into transition, and do some work on myself to get my emotional and physical life in order. A few years later, I started again. So far so good. I wouldn't have been able to address the other issues if I had not started the first time, and discovered I needed to do some work first.
Good luck!
When I first started on HRT a few months ago, it was awesome! Since then a certain amount of uncertainty has crept in, mostly around the details and complexities surrounding the social side of transitioning. However, the idea of stopping HRT is never something I seriously entertain. It just feels so good and so right. My breasts a getting large enough that I have to start deciding what to do next, but I've decided I'm going to stop stressing over it so much. I look at it as a similar experience to a 12 year old girl. It's awkward to her, too, for her body to start changing, but she figures it out. It's inevitable. It's going to happen. I'll figure it out.
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My experience is that you need to live it to know if it is right for you. It does take some time for effects to occur and even longer for Them to become permanent. The mental and emotional transition while on HRT made me realize that the physical transformations were just the icing on the cake...that this process was making me whole.
i would say i began HRT being 50% sure
i was concerned wether my transsesuality was a sexuak fantasy driven thing
Well, thanks to HRT i was conviced it had nothing to do woth this
Then i explored what it means to be a women on the inside way before the exteriors beagan to change
and that was a big thing!