Did you date in the middle of your process? Meaning, still presenting as your assigned gender yet taking hormones? How did you do it?
I feel I'm getting further away from the ideal of gay men (my target since I still present like a man) yet i'm not a woman either so I can't date straight men. Feels like a pansexual guy would be a good match for my situation but it seems like those don't exist anywhere.
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Watching this thread with interest:)
I was actually wondering this myself. I've avoided dating because I feel like they either like me because they are gay and so will not like me once I transition, or they like me because they're a fetishist and I don't really want to be viewed as just a sexual thrill.
Yes I did. I dated gay guys before transition. They weren't what I really wanted but those were the only guys available to me at the time and I was a horny 16 year old. I hadn't started HRT yet but I already wore makeup, wore black or blue nail polish, had long hair and pretty much looked like a flat chested girl. I only liked masculine gay guys and the 2 I dated before transition didn't care that I looked female though one of them told me my lack of facial and body hair was a slight turn off for him. Then when I was about 3 months into HRT I started dating this other guy. At first everything was ok but when he noticed the extreme sensitivity of my nipples he started asking questions. I told him I was trans and that I had started HRT. He didn't like that and he broke it off. A couple of months later I met another guy but when we started messing around he noticed I had boobs. Very small ones but enough that he could feel them. That was the end of him. After that I decided to not bother with gay guys anymore.
What I noticed with gay guys is that some of them don't care if you look feminine or even wear makeup. But if you've started hrt and get enough breast development for them to notice and feel then that's a total deal breaker. Then I met a straight guy who thought I was a girl. That went no where because I told him right up front I was trans and his response was " sorry, I'm not into ->-bleeped-<-s ". So I decided not to bother trying to date any guy until after SRS. I didn't date anyone for a year and then I happened to meet Tristan. He was accepting but his 2 concerns were that I had no facial or body hair and that I had actual boobs and not inserts. The same 2 things that were a turn off to gay guys were an important turn on to a straight guy.
That's my dating history before and after transition. I wish I could say dating during mid transition was no problem. But it can be. The worst period is when you are starting HRT. You're not feminine enough to interest a straight guy but once hrt starts taking effect gay guys will find you too feminine. There are bisexual guys but that's not a guarantee he will be interested in a transwomen. Bisexual guys like both guys and girls. But for some guys that means either or. Not someone who is in between.
Unfortunately dating is going to be hard at the beginning of transition. I would suggest you not bother with gay guys anymore. Even if you start dating him, as your body becomes more noticeably female, he will probably dump you. I'm not saying it's impossible to date someone at this point but I think it would be easier if you wait until your HRT has started taking effect and you look more feminine. Then you can maybe find an accepting straight or bi guy. There are girls here who haven't had SRS that have boyfriends, me included,so it's not impossible.
Good luck sweetie, I know its hard right now but it will get better.
Big hugs.
On OKCupid you have the following orientation choices:
Straight Gay Bisexual Asexual Demisexual Heteroflexible Homoflexible Lesbian Pansexual Queer Questioning Sapiosexual
You have the following identity choices:
Woman Man Agender Androgynous Bigender Cis Man Cis Woman Genderfluid Genderqueer Gender Nonconforming Hijra Intersex Non-binary Other Pangender Transfeminine Transgender Transmasculine Transsexual Trans Man Trans Woman Two Spirit
You can also choose to not let straight people view your profile.
We're here, we're different, we're staying. I fly my Freak Flag high, and no one else should be afraid to. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Julia1996 on September 21, 2017, 07:57:51 AM
Yes I did. I dated gay guys before transition. They weren't what I really wanted but those were the only guys available to me at the time and I was a horny 16 year old. I hadn't started HRT yet but I already wore makeup, wore black or blue nail polish, had long hair and pretty much looked like a flat chested girl. I only liked masculine gay guys and the 2 I dated before transition didn't care that I looked female though one of them told me my lack of facial and body hair was a slight turn off for him. Then when I was about 3 months into HRT I started dating this other guy. At first everything was ok but when he noticed the extreme sensitivity of my nipples he started asking questions. I told him I was trans and that I had started HRT. He didn't like that and he broke it off. A couple of months later I met another guy but when we started messing around he noticed I had boobs. Very small ones but enough that he could feel them. That was the end of him. After that I decided to not bother with gay guys anymore.
What I noticed with gay guys is that some of them don't care if you look feminine or even wear makeup. But if you've started hrt and get enough breast development for them to notice and feel then that's a total deal breaker. Then I met a straight guy who thought I was a girl. That went no where because I told him right up front I was trans and his response was " sorry, I'm not into ->-bleeped-<-s ". So I decided not to bother trying to date any guy until after SRS. I didn't date anyone for a year and then I happened to meet Tristan. He was accepting but his 2 concerns were that I had no facial or body hair and that I had actual boobs and not inserts. The same 2 things that were a turn off to gay guys were an important turn on to a straight guy.
That's my dating history before and after transition. I wish I could say dating during mid transition was no problem. But it can be. The worst period is when you are starting HRT. You're not feminine enough to interest a straight guy but once hrt starts taking effect gay guys will find you too feminine. There are bisexual guys but that's not a guarantee he will be interested in a transwomen. Bisexual guys like both guys and girls. But for some guys that means either or. Not someone who is in between.
Unfortunately dating is going to be hard at the beginning of transition. I would suggest you not bother with gay guys anymore. Even if you start dating him, as your body becomes more noticeably female, he will probably dump you. I'm not saying it's impossible to date someone at this point but I think it would be easier if you wait until your HRT has started taking effect and you look more feminine. Then you can maybe find an accepting straight or bi guy. There are girls here who haven't had SRS that have boyfriends, me included,so it's not impossible.
Good luck sweetie, I know its hard right now but it will get better.
Big hugs.
Very interesting. Thanks for the feedback Julia. I figured it was better to stay single during this process but I do want to have some fun.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 21, 2017, 11:13:03 AM
On OKCupid you have the following orientation choices:
Straight Gay Bisexual Asexual Demisexual Heteroflexible Homoflexible Lesbian Pansexual Queer Questioning Sapiosexual
You have the following identity choices:
Woman Man Agender Androgynous Bigender Cis Man Cis Woman Genderfluid Genderqueer Gender Nonconforming Hijra Intersex Non-binary Other Pangender Transfeminine Transgender Transmasculine Transsexual Trans Man Trans Woman Two Spirit
You can also choose to not let straight people view your profile.
We're here, we're different, we're staying. I fly my Freak Flag high, and no one else should be afraid to. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Downloading Ok Cupid as we speak ;)
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I'm not sure there is a middle of the process at all. The journey itself is its own thing. I have been dating the same guy for 9 months. He is mainly hetero on the continuum of preference. We make it all work.
To be fair my age may have something to do with it. People are more settled and generally looking for stability a bit more perhaps. I consider myself transitioned now even though i have yet to have SRS (i will this next year ) and i kind of bristle at how many consider "finished" when the SRS is done. I'm not saying that you are saying that but i do see it said. truth is we are never finished and always a work in progress until the day we make that great transition at the end of life.
I would actively date at any step and make it more about the individual, rather than categories of individuals. People surprise you as my guy did. It happens all the time and that is reason alone enough to date. It can be hard for sure, rejection occurs but it does for everyone. Whatever activities i was even a tiny bit comfortable with including dating, i would do now, there is little reason to wait. You have to venture to gain.
Yes, I did. I had an ad on a vanilla dating site. My ad explicitly said who I was minus the jargon that mostly we use. I didn't even use the word "transgender." I believed that some guys might have formed their own opinion of what a trans person was. Instead I was open and honest about who I was.
I had a lot guys comment that by my profile pic, they would never have guessed. Many asked questions about my pending surgery.
What was awesome was I never got one negative comment. A lot of guys wished me luck, but no thanks. I did go on a few dates which were nice, ended up meeting my future hubs on the site - been together now 3.5 years.
By in between I just meant presenting as your assigned gender yet being at some point of the transition (hormones, laser, etc). Wasn't really talking about SRS, There's women who don't get it and have finished their transition. I was mostly talking about someone who doesn't live yet as their preferred gender.
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Quote from: Nina on September 21, 2017, 07:16:42 PM
Yes, I did. I had an ad on a vanilla dating site. My ad explicitly said who I was minus the jargon that mostly we use. I didn't even use the word "transgender." I believed that some guys might have formed their own opinion of what a trans person was. Instead I was open and honest about who I was.
I had a lot guys comment that by my profile pic, they would never have guessed. Many asked questions about my pending surgery.
What was awesome was I never got one negative comment. A lot of guys wished me luck, but no thanks. I did go on a few dates which were nice, ended up meeting my future hubs on the site - been together now 4.5 years.
That's the kind of story we like to hear. :)
My take on society is that 9 out of 10 0f them aren't interested in transgender people. I mention being transgender in the first sentence of my profile just to make sure the 1 in 10 is the only person to contact me. Saves me a bunch of grief.
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 21, 2017, 08:21:52 PM
That's the kind of story we like to hear. :)
My take on society is that 9 out of 10 0f them aren't interested in transgender people. I mention being transgender in the first sentence of my profile just to make sure the 1 in 10 is the only person to contact me. Saves me a bunch of grief.
Hugs, Devlyn
It's funny, I never use the word transgender to describe myself to people outside of this site. Part of me maybe thinks the word is all too encompassing a definition. To non-trans people, it might be a vague term. Or, they think they know what is because of something they read.
I'm not ashamed of being trans, just prefer to say "I'm a different person today than I was before I transitioned. Before I was a male, but now female."
I don't even get into, nor have I ever had a conversation that I was a woman trapped in a man's body...or I knew when I was six years old, or use the words like dysphoric or gender confusion.
Nope, I lay it out there, be upfront, use words and phrases non-trans people might understand better.
That is a wonderful story, Nina! I agree with your approach, I think I'll probably borrow it. Everyone has their own ideas about what a label means, so it makes sense to avoid the labels and simply explain yourself as yourself. That way you are less likely to be colored by their preconceptions(and misconceptions).
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 21, 2017, 08:12:59 PM
By in between I just meant presenting as your assigned gender yet being at some point of the transition (hormones, laser, etc). Wasn't really talking about SRS, There's women who don't get it and have finished their transition. I was mostly talking about someone who doesn't live yet as their preferred gender.
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That makes sense. I do believe in that event, the individual person makes a big difference. What attracts one person to another is it masculine physicality or is it personality, friendship etc? It can be any combo.
I do have this opinion that humans in general are getting too dependent on web sites and apps to meet people and that makes it all a grand sorting and numbers game. There is an advantage to that but also lots of disadvantage. Meeting people through friends, meeting people in organizations and common interest groups, taking the time to develop relationships rather than swiping left or right, can make dating a more invested experience.
My advice to someone this week who is just starting transition was "transitioning takes a lot of energy and it's kinda all consuming. Dating would potentially add heart break and complications. I suggest looking for friends. Find people who you can talk to not... Cough, cough... Get involved sexually with. If something falls in (on?) Your lap, good for you, but don't seek it out now."
Others in our group who are well into their transition agreed.
Good luck.
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Yes, friends are precious. Lovers are hours of preparations, yet only 5 minutes of action (and not even a pleasure)
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Quote from: Denise on September 22, 2017, 08:18:03 PM
My advice to someone this week who is just starting transition was "transitioning takes a lot of energy and it's kinda all consuming. Dating would potentially add heart break and complications. I suggest looking for friends. Find people who you can talk to not... Cough, cough... Get involved sexually with. If something falls in (on?) Your lap, good for you, but don't seek it out now."
Others in our group who are well into their transition agreed.
Good luck.
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This is really good advice Denise.
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