Just like to say thanks for the people who bother to talk to me why I was on this site but there's a lot of people on here so far up there own arse, any way I am detransitioning so I will be closing my account to night.
Sara
Hun, I'm very sorry to hear this. I don't know any specifics but certainly hope I've never said anything offensive?
Whatever, I wish you happiness wherever life takes you. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Any forum is like a slice of the general population. Some people are good, some are bad. It may take a while to sort out who is who and there will be times when you are wrong either direction. Do what you need to do and not what any one else says to do. Follow your heart, no other's comments. We will still be here if you need us.
Hun dont do something in hast. It may seem hard right now, down right impossible maybe even. But you can do this! I would suggest keeping this account activated and not deleate it just in case things go south. If you are detransitioning out of your hearts desires and pure intentions are included you will be supported, but from all I gathered from you that is unlikely going to happen. You want off of Susans? fine, take a week away, a month even 2 months. You do not owe any one an explantation as to why you are doing whatever it is you wanna do. But dont run away when you may need us sometime down the road. We love you
Sara,
You know what I am going to say. Well maybe you don't so I will just say it. I do not want to see you go. I want you to be here and see you working on the problems that continue to plague you. There are people here that do love you and want to see you succeed in defeating your demons. We want to help you and try to give you the support you need. We cannot help you if you are not here.
Sara, you do need help and some of that help will have to come from professionals. You were imploring me to get help for my problems just a few days ago, is that advice not just as good for you? I have taken that step to get professional help by taking the advice you and many others here at Susan's have given me. I'm not fixed yet by doing so, it will take time for that to happen and during that time I will surely need continuing support of my friends here. Why don't you do the same. You need the help every bit as much as I do if not more. Let it happen.
Hugs
Laurie
I agree with Laurie , don't act in haste and let a few folk get you down.Hugs Davina
I wouldn't mind getting to know you Sara. I never judge and I am new here even.
I am not detransitioning not out of choice because i know in the very near future it will cost me my life but I,ve had enough of seeing a male look back at me in the mirror every morning even tho I'm on hormones & have been living full time as a Woman for a while, I don't want to be beautiful I want to be passable & not get my head kick in.
People keep telling me you look OK but sometimes people say stuff as not to up set you.
So yes there are one or two idiots on this site but no one has up set me yet!
I made a go of it & I failed as a male as a female simple as.
No one said it would be easy but you have to have self belief, some thing I don't have any more.
Even if you want to leave, there is no reason to close your account immediately.
Coincidentally, I felt yesterday that I should close my account. It is hard to explain why, but I felt that although the other members were always nice to me, I could not really be welcome. At the same time, I really wanted to stay. I decided to sleep on it. Today I felt the same way, and logged in with the intention of closing my account. However, after I logged in and read the new posts, etc., I could not understand why I had felt that way. I think that I sometimes have a kind of depression that affects my perception of how other people see me.
In your case, your reasons may be different, but keep your account open in case you feel differently in a few days or a few weeks.
Quote from: coldHeart on September 28, 2017, 04:26:32 PM
I am not detransitioning not out of choice because i know in the very near future it will cost me my life but I,ve had enough of seeing a male look back at me in the mirror every morning even tho I'm on hormones & have been living full time as a Woman for a while, I don't want to be beautiful I want to be passable & not get my head kick in.
People keep telling me you look OK but sometimes people say stuff as not to up set you.
So yes there are one or two idiots on this site but no one has up set me yet!
I made a go of it & I failed as a male as a female simple as.
No one said it would be easy but you have to have self belief, some thing I don't have any more.
Look just chill and we all want something. I want to be rich and I am not. You want to pass and give the hormones a little time. I am sure you are younger than I am.
So sometimes what we see in the mirror is not what other people see. So don't judge what you think you see in the mirror because a lot of times and most times that is not what others see.
I don't think you have failed as male or female, I don't know you but you do sound like you are hurting though. That makes you human. Actually that makes you just like everyone else male or female.
So let's leave out the male or female identities, that is not important right now because you sound like you are hurting and let's focus on the human side of things though and that is that you are hurting. Lets talk about that and unload it.
I am no Angelina Jolie but so what? Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't see what I would like too, so what? I am still me and still a woman albeit transwoman but woman is the key.
Your life should never be in the balance of anything. My life has but not because of any choice I made. So let's talk. You can PM me if I can even get PMs being so new or you can unload whatever on me and I will take it and hug you. But you are important. Your life is important and if you want to transition or detransition then no judgments. Just you and what you want.
Like I said in my last post I don't have any self belief any more, the amount of trans people about these days some are bound to fail guess what I'm one of those.
Going back to a male life will no doubt in a very short time not end very well but as they day " that's life " unless I win the lottery tomorrow so I can pay to get rid of this male face.
We can all dream.
Darling please don't go.
I can see your sadness and I can feel it truly.
But we need to let go sometimes of what others think and realise that as women we all come in all shapes, sizes, mentalities and we all have things that could/hope would be better. I would rather help you than be sad at your decision, so that would be a hope for me.
You shouldn't care too much what others think as most don't care anyway. Look to yourself for your belief, and from your post I can really feel that you are a caring soul, so don't waste it, just use it. We all need that.
I lost caring of what most think about my predicament a while ago and the load off me was immeasurable, and I'm loved now by more people than I thought I would be. I learnt not to make life harder for myself and I have found truer friends and people who love my by doing that. Just a few steps away, truly.
Sounds a bit silly but I don't want you to go,
Love an Hugz
Katie Jade
Yes, you can still dream, and if you can still dream, why give up? You are a woman, you are not a "failed" woman. You can't fail at being what you are. You are clearly very depressed right now. Have you thought of discussing that with your doctor? Sometimes there is a physical cause.
If some members (like me soon) do not immediately reply to your posts, it does not mean that we have lost interest, but that we live in different time zones and may have fallen asleep.
Please don't close your account, but rest for a while or distract yourself by reading or watching television. However you feel in the future, it will not be the way that you feel now.
I will feel like in the future probably for ever as I have to look at myself every day, its very hard to apply make up with your eyes closed.
I never though transitioning would be so lovely.
If anybody on the site has given you a hard time in the forum, use the report to moderator button to the right of the post. If they do it in PM, use the report to administrator button and send it to Cindy. There is no reason for anybody on the forum to be mistreated and if it happens, we will deal with the person responsible.
As for appearing male, we often see that for a long time after we start cross living. From what I remember of your avatar picture, you actually appeared quite feminine. Yes the picture was a bit on the small side and that hid some of the detail but I thought you should be able to pass as female and not an unattractive one.
No dena nobody as far as I'm a were no body has upset me.
It is who I am is what's upsetting me the fact I can't become the person I long to be.
This has cost me dearly like a lot of transitions but I as hoping to feel better that this, any way we all come on this group for help for advice & guidance unfortunately none of this will help the way I look so there is no need for some one lime me to be part of this group.
I have as you Americans say lost my mojo.
Any way thank you people for you kind words.
Sara over & out 💖
We have member who have not and will not transition. While there aren't many, we have CIS member on the site. We have a fair population of non binary who identify in many different ways. However you decide to identify, you are a part of this community and are always welcome here. What you are feeling will pass with time but your discomfort with your body will continue. Many of us have felt this at one time or another so it's not new or unusual to us. Stay with us while you find a life that puts you in a more comfortable place with yourself. We really don't want you to go as the purpose of this site is to help others with their problems. There is no reason for you to face this by yourself when we want to help.
Sara I'm so sorry you're feeling down. You're the only one who can decide what's best for you, but please don't delete your account. We want to help you in any way we can.
I'm pretty sure everyone here has doubted our passibility. I've been told many times that I pass fairly well, and that I look completely different from my horrible male appearance, but I find it very hard to believe. From your former picture, you really do look good. I know it's hard for you to believe that, since as you said, we see ourselves in the mirror every day and often can't see past who we once were. HRT will only make you look better, but it takes time.
Please be safe dear, we all care for you.
Also Sara please please keep in mind HRT requires time for physical and mental effects to take effect. Especially the physical changes. I am also just getting started with HRT.
Sara let's stay on this journey together, as sisters.
Kendra
Dear Sara
I don't know you and you do not know me but let me tell you people care.
The reason people are on here is because they care. I am sorry you are going through a difficult time.
Life has ups and downs but remember it will have an up again eventually. I know how it feels to not feel pretty or not feel handsome or just not feeling like you belong. If you are transitioning give it time. I hope that you will be ok and that you will feel better. Just remember that if there is a few bad people in the world that there are more good ones who want to help. Right now I am going through feeling like an empty vessel because I am not transitioning and waiting to get on hormones. I look at myself in the mirror and see a blank slate. I have tried so hard to be pretty because I am originally born a female but never felt that way but now I am going to turn into a male I know it will take time before I even pass.
But I know everything will be ok and that is why I am here.
My Dear Sister Sara....
I was so saddened to see this! After how far you've come don't let negative thinking rob you of the light of hope in the distance!... You just started HRT!!! This is the time for patience not hasty reactions to the fears which our mind can generate so very easily ...
Even if you want to de transition, you should stick around here where you have a network of friends around the world to support you and cheer you on with whatever you choose to do with your life!!!....and, you certainly can stay on the HRT and present as male in everyday life until you've processed where you need to go with all this to make your life work for you
This stuff we have to do to make our lives our own can be very hard but I think we come to a point where not doing it is even harder...
You know that I was very close to deleting my account a while back too and you didn't want me to... I said I would stick around here for you ...if you kept putting one foot in front of the other for me!!!
I'm the one asking you to stick around now!!!
With Hugs, Love and Hope that there are always better days ahead!!!
Your Sister,
Ashley Marie :)
P.S. Sending you an email with some additional thoughts ❤️
Quote from: tgirlamc on September 29, 2017, 02:39:06 PM
My Dear Sister Sara....
I was so saddened to see this! After how far you've come don't let negative thinking rob you of the light of hope in the distance!... You just started HRT!!! This is the time for patience not hasty reactions to the fears which our mind can generate so very easily ...
Even if you want to de transition, you should stick around here where you have a network of friends around the world to support you and cheer you on with whatever you choose to do with your life!!!....and, you certainly can stay on the HRT and present as male in everyday life until you've processed where you need to go with all this stuff
You know that I was very close to deleting my account a while back too and you didn't want me to... I said I would stick around here for you ...if you keep putting one foot in front of the other for me!!!
I'm the one asking you to stick around now!!!
With Hugs, Love and Hope that there are always better days ahead!!!
Your Sister,
Ashley Marie :)
This is really good Ashley. I can't give rep points yet but just a thumbs up.
I would love to look like Jennifer Lawrence, moles, freckles and all or Milla Javovich's small boobs and all but... I don't. It doesn't make me any less feminine though or less of a woman. Actually my boobs are bigger than Milla's :embarrassed:
Look Sara. We all want look better than what we do and that is a feminine thing. We will never look how we want to look ideally. Guys are different though and I kind of envy them because they don't seem to care much. They actually may but it is like "I am me and IDGAF how I look, take it or leave it."
But we as women have makeup. Learn how to use that to your advantage as a woman. I have and usually don't let my real face known until I am ready to spend the night and then I am nervous and scared ->-bleeped-<-less when the morning comes. To be completely honest with you, I look in the mirror and I see ugly all the time with or without makeup. I will probably feel that way all of my life. That is the way most women feel. We need to be reassured and we may never no matter what someone else tells us. So I do understand.
I envy guys, I really do because they can jump out of the shower, dry their short hair or throw some gel in it, throw on clothes and the clothing don't even have to match and brag about scars and imperfections. I can't. I have to plan my outfits, spend time shaving my legs and underarms because OMG I should have stubble there, fixing my hair and applying makeup just to go on a date. Then when we find the right guy they have to audacity to complain because it takes us so long to get ready to go out. Guys can get ways totally with stubble on their face, can we with "cactus legs"?
Look and I won't lie, there is nothing easy about being a woman. The only time it gets easy and not even for us is when we spend the weekend at the house and going no where. I like going out though with my boyfriend and he can look like a slob but I can't. That is part of being a woman and embracing it. The shaving, the hair and the makeup along with the clothing. It is not as easy as just throwing on clothes that may match or not and shoes. I go grocery shopping every Saturday and sometimes my boyfriend goes with me and sometimes he has to work. Sometimes I get lazy and don't shave my legs until I get back home but always my face and what grows on my chest because I dress in female clothing.
Whatever you decide, you have to decide. Nothing about being a woman is easy. You can be Danica Patrick but I bet when she walks into a car dealership to buy a car and not everyone knows her face, she gets the same BS as any woman would from a salesman.
I will tell you it sux but it sux so good the shaving, the plucking, the piercing, the growing, the cutting and finding the right cut, the coloring and recoloring until you find the right color and all the other crap.
But with all that, don't quit here because from what I have seen in my short time there are a lot of people that have been where you came from, where you are and where you want to eventually get too. Everyone has made really good points.
I will again be totally honest. Being trans will always suck. I sucked for me when I was 14 and it still sucks sometimes at 48 and it will probably sometimes suck until I die from old age or whatever like disease. So maybe just bite back a little and make it your own. I will tell you honestly, I am a trans woman, I have always been a trans woman even while hiding it and I will always be a trans woman. I own it. I admit it and always will. I am not cis and never will be but I can choose who I am and even a lot of cis men and women do not.
You are still here and still wanting help and that speaks volumes about your inner strength so don't let anyone ever tell you different. We can't all look like Jennifer Lawrence but even looking that comes with a price. I was somewhat pretty when I was young and I paid the price even when I tried to play the "guy role". But never let looks or expectations of looks or beauty play a role in your transitioning or detransitioning. That my dear is all on you and how you feel about yourself. But never let a beauty standard choose who you are. I really didn't have a choice. Even that may sound like it don't suck but it still did. I was either gay or a sissy. My best friend in child hood still says that I am gay because I like guys. He is gay and has no clue about gender identity but he is now trying too at least.
So seriously have some patience. Even LGBs to not totally understand Ts. We are different than the LGBs because for us it isn't about sex but how we see ourselves or want to see ourselves. I really don't want to do this but I will say it is deeper than sexual desire, the T is about self Identity and we feel "self" so strongly that we go totally against accepted societal standards. Carl Jung would be proud because this sense of self and totally on us and our own sense of self and individuality instead of a "herd" mentality. I have "Psycho" friends that have MDs in Psychiatry and they can't even understand fully the identity of "Self". To be honest they don't have a clue. Jung did but Freud is still dominant and with him it seemed to be a all bout sexual ->-bleeped-<-. Everyone knows what a "Freudian Slip" is but no one really picks up on a "Jungian Slip". I have studied both and Freud was a freak. Jung expanded more elaborately yet most Psychiatrists, m friends included have no real idea of the expanses of the human mind. They can prescribe medicine according to workings of the brain such as Neurology but the human mind exist outside the confines of the human brain. To me that is why the trans deal is so hard to explain, because there is no explanation that can actually be defined by the brain. Being trans is more about sense of self and that can not be explained other than through Psychology. Psychiatry may be able to help a little but Psychiatry is not the same as Psychology.
So don't say good bye. You may very well go back and forth. We have different levels of transgender and to be completely honest you need to pick one or the other or in between before you are totally diagnosed. You should be a certain age and jump through hoops. I am not an idiot or a gate keeper either. But you need to be totally sure. As a Psychologist I can't judge or even know but I am not a counselor or therapist either. Counseling and Therapy is not my deal.. Believe or not I paid big bucks for my degree and never charge a dime. Eventually I may write a book or find the answer to help others but MDs get paid, counselors and therapists get paid, I could even teach but nah. I will still do what I do and try to find answers and try to help others.
OMFG if that didn't help anyone then I don't know what would. The sense of self is more important than what anyone thinks of you. If you are wanting beauty then a lot of women and even men have messed up the true nature of beauty through doctors accepting their money to do whatever they wanted. Beauty is normal and if your are the ugliest person or think you are on the face of the earth there will always be someone to love you.
Look sweetie some real seriousness. I am not beautiful but I don't need to be as long as I am pretty enough for the man that loves me. Even just the man that loves me at the time. How many cis women look like Jennifer Lawrence and how many look like the Gangster mom from The Goonies? Yes there is youth compared to age and so on but take the show on FXX Your The Worst. What about the fat young girl on that show? She is beautiful but what about in thirty years? She still may be beautiful and chubby but maybe not either.
So in short and I should have said this but I love to write if you can't tell, don't let todays ideals of beauty define who you may or may not be tomorrow. Looks should not define anything about transitioning or detranstitioning. That you should do to feel normal and screw the looks.
This is the bad thing about counselors and therapist and that is they own a "practice". You will be a repeat customer. Psychiatrists too to be honest. Repeat business and "clients". Yes we may need them but for me and why I choose not to go into a private practice is that I don't want or would want you to need me as a paycheck. So as a gender therapist, I would tell you like it is. It sucks and I would probably be dressed in makeup and skirt and either pumps or high heels but I would not want you to be a constant client either. I would want you to confront it, come to terms with it and become comfortable with it enough to be secure with it and then be able to handle it on your own. That is one reason why I will never be rich. I would rather see you, help you and not see your anymore because you can deal with it. When you can deal with it then I did do my job and that is why I paid for my education. To help others and not make me rich. I am a Parapsychologist and don't even charge. To me being trans is more parapsychology than Psychiatry or normal everyday Psychology because who you are ascends what you are physically.
Yeah I know that last part was little over the tops so sorry to the mods and you too. But.... maybe it is something to think about too. So just think about it and own it and make no excuses ever for who you are. Deep down we all know who we are I believe anyway. But when it comes down to reality and the world, I know nothing other than who and what I am. That is what counts. I kind of sux that I don't look like Jennifer Lawrence and as young but I don't have the moles she does either. I saw her leg on American Hustle earlier and she had them on her left leg too at least. So sometimes beauty is flawed the closer look you take at it.
So does any of that make sense or am I just crazy? But coldHeart, what I see in the mirror is not beauty. What I see is me. Even with my hair fixed and full on makeup it was and still just me. I depended on who I was dating at the time to tell me if I was beautiful enough and that was about worthless. Men. God bless them but damn them too because all they cared about was not how I looked but how hungry or thirsty they were. But I put all that work in for them. OMFG I still do. Even if we go to KFC he don't give a crap but I do for him. So how I look is not for me but for him and he gives me one hell of a hard time over how long it takes to get ready but even though he complains it is a complement.
In short and I talk way too much. Being a woman is not easy and what you may think you see in the mirror is not what others may see. Some may not agree but transitioning is mostly mental. The physical part they can prescribe but there is no prescription to the mind. That is something that should be there already.
Hugs and I hope you can figure it out but don't quit just yet. Just find out who your are.
Love,
Jenn.
Sara, I'll be short. You were a complete wreck when you came here. You were as close to being suicidal as anyone I've ever known. I know society sucks either way, but I have seen you be closer to happy now than before. Be very very careful going off hormone therapy. You might not have prepared yourself for what the other hormones were like on your mind. Switching back may not be best for you but even if you do decide to do that keep in mind that things you feel are directly accountable to hormones in your mind. Please don't let yourself get suicidal again.
Transitioning is a long term process. Living full time so early into HRT might have given you unrealistic expectations. I know I would have wanted to do it right away but circumstances prevented it. There was no way I could pass then, no matter what I felt on the inside. Now months into HRT I still am not passable. I draw attention. Most people understand today and are not negative. But the looks and glances at me the freak show are real. I know I will not pass for some time. Maybe not unless I get at least a nose job done someday. It may take more. But now I do live as myself. Had I tried too soon I would have no doubt been extremely discouraged as you are feeling now.
I guess what I am trying to say is, don't give up on it if it has made you feel better. Temper your desire to be done and deal with where you are in the process. You waited until recently just to admit it to yourself. Understand it will take time to get to where you want to be but you will never get there if you do not persevere.
Jenntrans
OMG you are so good with your message I was crying. I love that, and I agree so whole-heartedly .
As I said before If I can help I will but I'm a newbie here as well and these girls are so lovely and helping, please come back
Katie XOX
Coldheart. I always seem to be late to these. I hope you would stay. You were doing wonderfully, and were very pretty. I will miss your posts. Today marks the first day I looked in the mirror and saw a woman staring back at me. A pinch over a year of HRT. I don't think I would have ever seen it had it not been for the wonderful people here. If you read this, please stay. If you have left, I'm sure there is a place here waiting for you.
Quote from: coldHeart on September 28, 2017, 04:26:32 PM
I am not detransitioning not out of choice because i know in the very near future it will cost me my life but I,ve had enough of seeing a male look back at me in the mirror every morning even tho I'm on hormones & have been living full time as a Woman for a while, I don't want to be beautiful I want to be passable & not get my head kick in.
People keep telling me you look OK but sometimes people say stuff as not to up set you.
So yes there are one or two idiots on this site but no one has up set me yet!
I made a go of it & I failed as a male as a female simple as.
No one said it would be easy but you have to have self belief, some thing I don't have any more.
I'm so sorry to hear of your torment. I kbow just talking and time can always make the worst situation more bearable.
Also..can you work out how to make just yourself happy. Don't let anyone else decide what you should be
Just checked to night & I was surprised to find my account still active, I thought I had closed it but things were bad so must of missed it, I did de-transition but only for a day & a half, I became suicidal again so Re-transition confused yet lol, well I'm back as Sara still full time & I supposed its better to live as my true self & be utterly lonely but be a dead male, all the mirrors in my house have gone that way I don't have to look at my face & I don't have to worry about make up as I don't leave my house no more ( all my shopping is on line ) so it's a miserable life but at least I can be me, in reality I don't really have a choice but who said transitioning was easy.
Am I going to close this account probably as I don't really post on here no more as I feel there's not much point talking about the problems me/others have, I'm not sure what to think any more but thank you to the people who did reply to the post in the start.
Sara!!! You just made my day. I know things are nowhere near perfect but I am soooo glad to hear from you. And please do whatever it takes to arrange any possible progress towards happiness and long term success, as we can all relate to some degree. If mirrors in your house are a problem, toss 'em. You are a very, very beautiful person and nobody will convince me otherwise. No pressure to do things a particular way, you get to define who you are - and if I can help in any way I am here.
Quote from: coldHeart on October 07, 2017, 05:40:09 PM
Just checked to night & I was surprised to find my account still active, I thought I had closed it but things were bad so must of missed it, I did de-transition but only for a day & a half, I became suicidal again so Re-transition confused yet lol, well I'm back as Sara still full time & I supposed its better to live as my true self & be utterly lonely but be a dead male, all the mirrors in my house have gone that way I don't have to look at my face & I don't have to worry about make up as I don't leave my house no more ( all my shopping is on line ) so it's a miserable life but at least I can be me, in reality I don't really have a choice but who said transitioning was easy.
Am I going to close this account probably as I don't really post on here no more as I feel there's not much point talking about the problems me/others have, I'm not sure what to think any more but thank you to the people who did reply to the post in the start.
Lady, you are beautiful. You look better than me. I am always available as well. I wish I could send you confidence in a jar.
I am glad you came back. As for your account, it was up for deletion but sometimes the request is rejected if we feel it's not in the best interest of the member. On occasion, I have requested deletions not be accepted because I believe the member requested the deletion under duress and after a cooling off period will be back. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes not.
You don't have to post about your problems if you don't want as there are many conversations on other topics. It's not good to confine yourself to your house and not have outside contact. The internet is better but it's still not mixing with people in life. Just chat with us until you are comfortable with expanding your horizons. By now you should know that we won't judge the way you live your life and we do want to stay in contact with you.
I dont know you, but there sure are alot of people in here telling you they arent tired of hearing your problems. That they are pulling for you. It may seem redundant, but going over things is exactly how we as humans overcome our issues. It's ok, this is a tough road.
Hopefully i'll see you again. I hope we can all help you, and each other.
Sara,
I hope you do not pursue deleting this account but I know that you will do what you are going to do. I think it's sad that just as I think I am beginning to understand your depression better you want to leave us behind. I wish you wouldn't.
I am glad you did not leave.
I have been full time for 2 years and had a really difficult week. I did not go to a class reunion because I would have seen 70 out of 150 old class mates at one time. This morning I sat in my car in a park parking lot before getting out because I felt self conscious.
I am regaining my confidence and went to the movies tonight. I will be back in the park tomorrow morning too.
Sometimes for whatever reasons I can still get my confidence shaken. I started out in small steps and expanded. It took time. I can remember being so scared. Eventually the fear went way and I gained in my confidence.
I get electrolysis from a trans woman. She is the same age as me. I finally worked up the nerve this week and said I am so jealous of your hair it looks so nice. She said it is a wig. I was shocked. Then she said I love your forehead and eye bones and the doctor did really good work. Then she said she wore her bangs down to hide her forehead and brow. I never noticed. She has been or hormones since 17 but that was a long time ago.
We discussed surgeries and she is having GCS in November. She said a doctor at PENN wanted $20,000 for forehead and brow work and that she is looking into Thailand. We discussed coast of work in Thailand. We are 55 years old.
Point being we are all very much the same. Same fears and desires. It does not go away. What had kept me around is not the fear, it is how being myself feels so much better than being a false version of myself. It takes time and a lot of small steps to address dysphoria.
I had a trainer that kept up with doing reps while looking in the gym mirrors. I finally told her why I could not look in the mirrors. She is Cis and did not understand. Eventually we parted ways. I get the issue with mirrors. I use a mirror now to help put on makeup in the morning before work and check my makeup in the bathroom at work. There was a lifetime of hating mirrors and just now am I using them for a specific purpose.
I have a trans friend at work. We had lunch a week ago. He was saying how pretty my face is and I completely dismissed that. He said I need to look in the mirror every day and tell myself I am pretty. I explained how that is really difficult to look in a mirror and that I see a guy most of the time. He said I do not look like a guy and I need to look in the mirror and see my feminine self and believe him. I am trying to do that. It is tough. He told me unless I believe it then no one else will believe it because beauty comes from within outward.
Hi Sara 🙋 you don't know me but I am so happy your account was still open. We all love that you are back. Support is so important and Susan's is wonderful!
Hugs, Jessica 💁
Here's a proposition for you. Stay on HRT but present as male until you have the money to afford FFS, then make the full social transition.
But I'm going to warn you, even FFS may not solve all your problems. You'll look like a woman after, but you may not look like the woman you want to look like, which is something all women experience. You can pass 100% but still feel like there is something that could be changed to make you "more attractive." This is how people become addicted to plastic surgery, or develop eating disorders... they want perfection, but perfection is unattainable. We must all settle for good enough as is, because the more we tinker with things, the worse we look and the more obsessed we become. This is how Michael Jackson got to look the way he did: every subsequent procedure did not yield the results he had hoped for so he went under the knife again and again and again.
Transition is a balance of changing your body to feel more comfortable and accepting your body as is.
Also, to say one has failed as a man/woman is ridiculous. A man/woman defines him/herself. Don't let these silly gender roles trick you into thinking you're a failure if you can't quite fit into one of those two boxes in the eyes of society. Be who you feel you are and to hell with the rest of the world. That's not an easy thing to do, but it's how you survive.
Stay strong.
Sara, you're not the first to want their old life back, you won't be the last either.
You've had a painful experience, but take the positives, you've learned that going back isn't right for you, but you needed to try and that's all part of your journey.
Now you need to look forward, envision and explore what it can be.
Pause, rebuild your resilience and then set yourself a direction and try it, knowing that also might not be a final destination in your life.
As to staying at home, this could be a plan in the short term, but I'd strongly suggest that when ready, you move a bit outside your comfort zone, pop outside, interact, and set yourself new challenges to develop and socialise.
As always PM me if you ever need, and we can meet up if that would help? X
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Sara, I'm new to all of this, so sadly I am totally useless to offer advice with the struggles you're having with transitioning.
BUT!
I do know one thing, and that is that no matter the reason, the most important thing when you are feeling your lowest is to stay in contact with people who want to support you, and I'm sure, at the very least, that the community here wants to support you. Even if you feel like you don't want to deal with people, I think that's when you need them the most.
Maybe you feel like there's no point in talking about your problems because you won't find a solution. Do it anyway! I can't speak for anyone else about this, but a lot of times I just want to complain! I know complaining gets a bad rap, but it's not just for small, petty stuff. When something major is making me suffer, sometimes I just want to let the world know I'm hurting. If for no other reason than that, just let us know! And who knows, you might end up hearing something that helps you get through your struggle anyway.
I hope I'm not saying anything stupid, but I believe that there's nothing noble about suffering in silence if you don't have to. Let the people hear your voice, and damn anyone who has a problem with it. Well, having said that, I really don't think anyone here has a problem with it anyway.
With you on the face in mirrors as all I see is this old bald bloke but make up and wig and then I am "OK" . Still look like a bloke in a frock though and knowing that's what it will always be its all right its ME. Now from your photo I think you have no trouble in passing only in you head . Stay on the HRT and visit the local group and don't be a stranger cos when I find out where you live I will come calling a bit like a UK Laurie.
PS safe to next year as still welding my bus!!!!
It just feels like I'm dammed in my old life & in the new one
Quote from: coldHeart on October 08, 2017, 05:01:02 PM
It just feels like I'm dammed in my old life & in the new one
Then find a road that is in between. You don't have to transition to do "woman" things. Embrace your femininity and just enjoy life as a gender non-conforming person. No pressure to be male or female or to change your body. Feminine men can be just as beautiful as women.
There are many ways to look at things. In time you may see things differently.
I think it is good advise to take HRT and present as it makes you comfortable. Everyone is different and only you can make your transition yours in your own way.
Continue to stay on Susan's and communicate how you feel.
Look for friends and a friendly place to live.
Sara, I understand what you are going through and at the moment I've had to put my transitioning to one side as my daughter is disabled and my attention and focus is on her , but I'll get there in the end , please stay strong hun
Hugs
Leah xx
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Quote from: coldHeart on October 08, 2017, 05:01:02 PMIt just feels like I'm dammed in my old life & in the new one
coldHeart,
To me your avatar speaks so much it's hard to put in words. I wish there were some magic to help heal the desperation and pain. All I can say for sure is that I know there are people here who will listen, so please do write what you can when you can, if you will.
Hello Beloved Sister Sara!!!
I'm sorry for the delayed response... I was in beautiful New Mexico with my husband, a bit "off the grid" for a few days....
It sounds like stepping back from all this offered you some important perspective.... I think you have found yourself to be what we might call "past the point of no return" as far as returning to male EXISTENCE... and, realize the only acceptable path is forward towards a LIFE... which is a reflection of your inner truth
You have glimpsed life outside of the prison walls and returning to the cell is unacceptable
The path forward will be moving in the direction of that light of hope in the distance that you and I have discussed and... you KNOW you have friends here to walk with you at whatever pace and by whatever route works for you best.
You don't have to have mirrors in you house... You don't need to leave the house right now if that is your choice ...but, I believe that if you don't change that pattern eventually, you are only trading one prison cell for another when there is much more to all this... Wonderful and beautiful things that can't be experienced from the self imposed exile of a cell... You also don't need to discuss your problems here if that is not your way... I have never brought my own battles here to have them solved and I have only mentioned them if I think it may benefit others but, as I have said before... "This is a path best traveled with friends at your side" ...and that is something of real value that you have here...
My hope for the near future is that you start to realize that much is possible in this journey... Happiness, fulfillment and self acceptance can be found along this path and they are not tied to whether or not others in this world see us as being cis-women or attaining some perceived level of physical beauty... Acceptance of self and the ability to express who we truly are lay at the core of what we seek...
I remain ready to run, walk or crawl towards the light in the distance alongside you... You are not alone...
Onward we go brave sister...
Hugs and Love,
Ashley 😀❤️🌻
You are right Ashley I am pass the point of no return as to going back to my old life, after last week a day & a half was enough to tell me that, I could not never go back to being "him".
Yes I have become a recluse yes I am utterly lonely to the point of feeling sick all the time but I am alive living as the right gender at last.
We can't have it all.
Isolation is not good for us humans. You may have said it elsewhere, but i do hope you are working with a therapist on all of this. They can be so great and important in the process.
Second, the specific things about yourself that are contributing to your self confidence: Could you pick one or two of these to work on? Little changes and victories can do wonders for us.
Quote from: coldHeart on October 09, 2017, 06:12:10 PM
You are right Ashley I am pass the point of no return as to going back to my old life, after last week a day & a half was enough to tell me that, I could not never go back to being "him".
Yes I have become a recluse yes I am utterly lonely to the point of feeling sick all the time but I am alive living as the right gender at last.
We can't have it all.
I am a little different on the aspect of being alone. I love my BF but can't wait for him to leave and pray he comes home safe but when he is away at work I have most of my time to myself with no input from anyone. Did I mention I was a little different than most people?
It takes time. I mean for Christ's sake I was called a "sissy" while growing up. I was even called the "F" word many times because some people can't grasp the whole transgender deal. There is nothing easy about it. There are no magic cures or spells. Now I think it is so much easier than when I was growing up and in some ways it is but not really because it forces you to confront something that most people don't and that is yourself and who you are. Your happiness means everything to you and your comfort and assurance in your identity whether it be sexual or gender and everything else is reliant upon you.
Being transgender is somewhat more accepted by society today than it used to be but it is still just as hard as it was when I was getting called sissy and "->-bleeped-<-". It is so hard because you have to know yourself inside. Most people don't even want to scrutinize themselves that closely because they are afraid of what they may find.
Look Sara there are no recipes for happiness, you have to make your own according to you. Live your life and be damned with others and there will be a lot of others. Cis people are not immune to this either. This goes for everyone. Obese people are ridiculed, non pleasing to the eye people are ridiculed, gays used to be and still are in some places ridiculed and trans are ridiculed. No one has a choice but we do have a choice about how we react to it and how much we let it effect us. And who knows because our reactions my change perceptions. So you are just as important and Caitlyn Jenner and Jazz Jennings. You are just as important as Bailey Jay and Laverne Cox. You are just as important and your happiness is just as important as anyone else's. But it still takes work and facing fears. It is scary but you have taken the first steps but only you can decide what makes you feel good about yourself and get to know yourself. Then comes the learning part of behaviors, movements, talking and so on. It is almost like a rebirth.
@ RobynD. LOL. I love to be Isolated. If you have ever watched the show Last Man on Earth, Jesus that would be fine with me but in my case the last Transwoman on earth. Jesus all the makeup and clothing for the taking? ;D But for the most part and you are right because humans are social creatures. Like I said in the beginning I am different though. ???
The trouble with me being alone is that I have too much to think things over, going over the same problems over & over.
Jenntrans I wouldn't mind being alone for the day while my partner was working but I am by my self now just me the cat & a crazy hound so spending days even weeks not seeing a single soul can be very lonely but if this is the only way to survive.
Yes I am seeing a wonderful therapist who he helped me a lot in believing me to be the woman I am to day but it don't make any different to my self confidence which has been shaped by my ->-bleeped-<-ty child hood & now mainly because this transition has cost me very dearly but I knew this would be risks & self sacrifice but having loss my friends my partner, family & my hobbies so to speak it he hit me hard, only time will tell if it was all worth it.
Quote from: coldHeart on October 10, 2017, 04:10:18 PM
The trouble with me being alone is that I have too much to think things over, going over the same problems over & over.
Jenntrans I wouldn't mind being alone for the day while my partner was working but I am by my self now just me the cat & a crazy hound so spending days even weeks not seeing a single soul can be very lonely but if this is the only way to survive.
Yes I am seeing a wonderful therapist who he helped me a lot in believing me to be the woman I am to day but it don't make any different to my self confidence which has been shaped by my ->-bleeped-<-ty child hood & now mainly because this transition has cost me very dearly but I knew this would be risks & self sacrifice but having loss my friends my partner, family & my hobbies so to speak it he hit me hard, only time will tell if it was all worth it.
LOL. What kind of hound? In Arkansas we like Blueticks, Walkers and Black and Tans.
But seriously though. I had a ->-bleeped-<-ty childhood too. I got married to a woman and she divorced me. You will make new friends, you will find another partner as long as you are open to the possibilities and family you may not share any genes with. Hobbies may change. I like shooting especially my handguns. I also like knitting and all the other woman stuff too.
Look at it this way. I really don't know how old you are but when you get my age, friends are lost with the change of life. Family? ->-bleeped-<- my family don't call me. One cousin calls me and that is it but I have a family though. Not blood but family nonetheless.
Time will tell and even if you were cis, time changes everything. I mean I was sissy when I was young and I am a trans woman now, That is not too much difference but time has taken away old friends but gave me new ones. Time has taken away family and replaced them with newer family members that are much closer it seems.
So give it time because one constant in the world is that time will go on. It is about what we make of that time and how we can make ourselves happy is what matters.
Sara I am happy to read you are being helped with therapy.