So I made the decision to come out very early in my transition. It wasn't entirely my choice - people at work had started to talk and given that I am customer facing I wanted to know HR had my back encase I got any customer complaints particularly around bathrooms
Anyway it really has opened my eyes to how much presentation makes a difference.
We have a gender neutral uniform that is the exact same for men as it is for women the only difference is the sizing the cuts are exactly the same. So the uniform is quite andro.
Iv noticed that when I have my makeup on and breast forms on and I am cleanly shaved I am correctly gendered almost all of the time.
When my beard is grown out and I'm not wearing makeup (which because of electrolysis is a lot of the time) I'm almost always either not gendered or gendered male.
It really makes you realise how much difference facial hair and makeup make in the way other people perceive you.
It makes it really hard to go to work every day knowing that people as seeing you as a cross dressing man rather then a woman.
I keep telling myself that it's only until I finish the electrolysis but that just makes me think about how many more sessions I have left.
It's not been helped by the fact I have had to stop wearing my breast forms everyday because the HRT is making things to sensitive to wear them all the time and when I wear a sports bra it looks like there is nothing there at all.
It all just adds up and makes me feel ugly and unpassable and makes me want to call in sick every morning for work.
I finished getting ready this morning, with my beard shadow and stubble, no breast forms and work boots looked into the mirror and even I see a man and I just don't want to be seen like this.
-Mara
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You're not a man sweetie. Unfortunately electrolysis is something you need to do. But with makeup and no facial hair you pass easily. That's the important thing right there. You will be done with electrolysis eventually and when you are your hrt will have had more time to work and you will look even better. I didn't transition the the entire first year I was on hrt. I was still in high school and didn't want the extra trouble of coming out as trans. It didn't matter what I looked like, everyone at school knew I was a boy. I HATED going to school every day as a boy. At the time it seemed like it would last forever. But eventually it was over and now its just an unpleasant memory. You will get to that point too. Try not to let things bother you right now. Just think how good you're going to look when your electrolysis is finished.
Hugs.
I came out early too, in fact before hrt or hair removal but I did it for myself. To me I wanted to make sure that this was right and when hrt and srs took effect that my confidence in who I am would falter less. granted I can't present fulltime now because of circumstances, but when I get a chance look out ;)
Now due to my credentials I have to present male at work for the time being, and I really loathe it. I just try to stay focused and remember that this job is a necessary evil at this point until I get my name changed over. In an odd way I find that my feelings validate who I am. I also laugh a bit when I start to bleed through my mask.
I just try to find the good things about my situation, because like many others we get so much crap. I refuse to let others bull~~ break me. I'm stronger then I've ever been because I'm finally playing with a full deck.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're amazing, not alone, and finding the silver linings really helps.
I hear you on the bummer of electrolysis preparation. I would hate to wear an andro uniform in that situation. I make darned sure I an wearing feminine clothes so at least people know what I am aiming for.
Have you tried a padded sports bra? That's what I wear mostly, because I can't find a sized bra that will fit. (I'm not even an AA yet! :( ) Between my meagre assets and the padding, the effect is a plausibly feminine figure, though a small one. I console myself that a good cis friend is flatter than I am.
I've got a couple padded bras (B's) that actually look pretty good under my clothes, even if I don't fill them in all that well yet (I'm only an A so far). You might try that. Or stuff a bra with something softer to help fill it out. My breast forms are pretty soft, but yes, they hurt too when the hormones first started kicking in.
I can totally relate although my facial hair is white rather than dark so probably not as noticeable unless someone is fairly close. Not much to offer except your feelings are totally understandable. For me electrolysis is one of many things in our journey that tests one's resolve to transition and while the situation you find yourself in would be troubling for most of us I suspect giving up is not Ev n a consideration
You haven't mentioned the frequency of your electrolysis torture sessions. I usually do 2 one hour sessions per week on consecutive days. I let the hair grow only in the areas to be worked on And keep the others smooth. Maybe that strategy would help a little as your shadow would only show partially instead of all over. Then use a great beard cover, grit your teeth and harden your resolve to persevere with the knowledge that although it may seem you'll never finish you will make it through. You can do it.........attitude determines altitude.