My parents are supportive... and yet also not supportive of my transition. I mean, I get that it's all still pretty new for them, but at the same time, I feel like seeing how much better I am as a result, should have convinced them that maaaaaaybe it has benefits to it.
I have a friend who is trans who has parents who, first thing, as soon as she came out to them, got behind her 100% and were with her at all her doctors appointments and fought with insurance to get her surgery. She came out at the same age I did... I have zero idea how someone could have such a different experience. I mean, I guess I can. The answer is simple, he parents are different people than mine. But still, it hurts me that every time I bring this up with them, it feels like they see this all as some big cosmetic procedure. They're not kicking me out or anything, but at the same time, they don't take any of this seriously and continue to hold on to the hope that I'll change my mind.
Does anyone have/had a similar family situation? How do you deal?
I've not really had a similar family situation but it seems like none of us do? We have some fundamental similarities but all of us are so different and everyone's lives are so unique it's hard to draw comparisons with others.
I grew up very obviously not normal, I struggled and failed to be a boy and my parents were very aware of this and compassionate and understanding. I was given every opportunity to express myself as the girl I was while also being presented with, if not encouraged toward more masculine pursuits. I know my parents hoped this all was just a phase or something I would grow out of but by the time I was 14/15, it became obvious that was never going to happen.
Allowances had already been made and with my folks help, I stretched the rules as far as I could. I couldn't understand why I couldn't look like other girls which as a child, for me focused not so much on clothing but on having long hair, Before the 3rd grade, I was allowed to start growing it out which combined with my personality and manner really set me apart and made not only my behavior, but my physical appearance as well quite out of the ordinary. Needless to say, this made my life quite difficult socially and caused nothing but problems with school and the world at large. I was denied enrollment in junior high/middle school because of the way I looked but my folks were there and fought hard for me with lawyers and psychiatrists and managed to smooth things over.
The terminology was different back then and things much less well defined but In today's parlance, I "came out" to my folks at 15 in 1970. It was more a case of getting everyone on the same page because they already knew who I was and where I was headed even before I understood it all. By that point in time, I was slightly more than completely androgynous but with all having the common understanding that there was no way in hell I was going to grow up to be a man, my folks did what they could to help ease my discomfort allowing even more outward changes even though it only pushed my social ostracization to the extreme. By the time I was 17, they had found a specialists and I began HRT before my senior year of high school. After graduation, they did every thing they could to help completing my transition including arranging for my name change, etc. They fully supported and loved me as their new daughter and did their best to give me some sort of normal life in every way they could. Nothing else made sense.
BUT, when it came to surgery, my mother considered it to be mutilation which was quite confusing to me because my folks had been so completely supportive and helpful otherwise. I couldn't understand how she expected me to live that way? I sure as hell couldn't and when I finally did have things in place when I was 22 (1977), she refused to go with me and we had the biggest knock down, drag out fight of our lives about it. I flew out of state and went through surgery and 8 or 9 days in the hospital alone. I was so angry, I didn't speak to my mother for 8 or 9 months after.
Through the mediation of a cousin, we finally did make amends and I got invited to my folks house for dinner one evening. At the table, nothing was discussed other than TV shows, car problems and the weather. It was weird and strange and the elephant in the room was ignored. After our meal and I did the dishes, I dragged my mom by the arm into her bedroom and made her look at my "mutilation".
She was beside herself. She had no idea that surgery would make me into a "real girl". She hugged me and we cried. She realized how this made me into a whole person and that I really did have a chance at a new and better normal life. She apologized for not helping me through surgery and for all the things she tried to do when I was a child to make me be like a boy. It was one of the most touching moments of my entire life.
You have to do what is right for you and not what it is that will make your parents happy. It is your life, not theirs. If they've seen how much better things have been for you with transition, it may take a while but they should be able to see you'll be better off after surgery as well. Although it is really a matter of functionality, congruity and peace of mind with your own anatomy, they may indeed still consider it "cosmetic" but the depth of how it is life changing for the better is undeniable. If they're understanding and intuitive at all, they will see this and come around.
Yes, a lot of this does depend on the parents you have and the people they are. They may not understand it and be against it but if they love and care about you, they should be able to see how fundamentally better your life will be as a whole complete female person rather than some in-between hybrid. That was my experience anyway, for what it's worth. YMMV
Yeah, my cousin's got more supportive parents with their transition than I do. Maybe it's because they're younger and haven't left home yet. I'm not sure.
It's easy to deal with for me because I don't live with the parental units, and I don't need them for anything. They also haven't been speaking much for a couple of years even before I told them. They just seem to have considered me a deserter for not living in the same town, as if distance is what makes a person deserving of their time. It's disappointing, but basically I don't need their help, so it's just a bit of a minor let-down.
In the context of the upbringing I got, their lack of interest and support is pretty blatant. But I think they've basically washed their hands of caring.
I went through 2 or 3 years of (silently) feeling pretty outraged at the hypocrisy, trying to connect with them again and failing, and now I don't really care. My happiness can't depend on whether or not they care or what they feel about it. It's my existence, and it's going ahead with or without them.
Quote from: Allie24 on September 29, 2017, 11:13:47 PM
My parents are supportive... and yet also not supportive of my transition. I mean, I get that it's all still pretty new for them, but at the same time, I feel like seeing how much better I am as a result, should have convinced them that maaaaaaybe it has benefits to it.
I have a friend who is trans who has parents who, first thing, as soon as she came out to them, got behind her 100% and were with her at all her doctors appointments and fought with insurance to get her surgery. She came out at the same age I did... I have zero idea how someone could have such a different experience. I mean, I guess I can. The answer is simple, he parents are different people than mine. But still, it hurts me that every time I bring this up with them, it feels like they see this all as some big cosmetic procedure. They're not kicking me out or anything, but at the same time, they don't take any of this seriously and continue to hold on to the hope that I'll change my mind.
Does anyone have/had a similar family situation? How do you deal?
Hi Allie
Parents can be tough nuts to crack...some get lucky and their parents are fully involved and supportive. Your parents are similar to mine. We never spoke a word about my transition in the first 6 or so months after telling them, things now are strained. There is not a whole lot you can do to change their minds other than to get on and be happy.
They love you enough to still provide a home for you to live in which is wonderful. I know we want to have a set of those parents who are supportive and engaged with you about it. But the blessing here ids that they are not kicking you out...I can imagine that some days it doesn't feel that great.
Hang in there with them if you can they may come round once they understand a bit more...we can hope.
If your parents don't berate you and tell you that your gender identity is BS; if they don't constantly misgender you and call you by your former name; if they don't send you "presents" consisting of the clothing of your birth sex; if they don't tell you that you are lost and on the way to hell...
...maybe you've got it good?
Parents reactions can run the gambit between angelic, and pure rotten evil. My adoptive parents went totally ballistic after I came out to my adoptive sister, and she told them. Yet, my biological mother is totally OK with the whole thing.
Count your blessings.
I was talking with my father recently. Of the two, he is the most supportive. He and I bond over our mutual love for Amazon's Transparent, which is a brilliant show that has done wonders for helping him understand what I am going through. My mood lifted after that conversation.
My mother is the one that has the more negative opinion of the two.
You're right, it could be worse. But at the same time: a person can have a missing limb and another person can have a broken arm. While the missing limb is no doubt worse than the broken arm, the broken arm does not hurt any less.
I just have to focus on the good relationships I have, instead.
My parents... they're some kind of special. Its like they half support me, half don't. When I came out to my mom, she pretty much told me that there was nothing wrong with me. (DEFINITELY not the reaction I was expecting) BUUUUT then she followed it up with, 'Its not like you're gay.' Well... all righty then....
She then elaborated a little more and said, 'Its not like you're acting on it...' (Actually, I am. Slowly. but SHHHHHH... She can believe whatever she wants)Keep in mind my parents are very religious too. Devout mormon. And (no offense to those here that are in the same age bracket) in their 70s. (Mom turns 72 tomorrow, Dad turns 74 at the end of the month) So they're way of thinking is pretty much set in stone. Its hard to change your mindset at such a late stage in life. (Heck, I'm 28 and changing my own thinking is freakishly hard. And 28 isn't all that old... Though I do feel old compared to some of the younglings that post here hahaha. But that's just me)
So then my mom commented when I expressed that I'm lonely and going through this alone that going to church will help. And people will accept me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA yeah, no. They would do the exact same thing my mom did, and talk to me about taking FEMALE hormones to make myself more female. And to go to church, I'd have to pick a binary gender, and if I picked male, I'm sinning. But I can't possibly see it as a sin. I'm not a sinner.
My mom later called it a gender 'problem'. And she also later called me her 'daughter' and I just cringed at both and wanted to cry. But, in reality, I still think I'm lucky. They haven't ostracized me at least. Even if they don't understand.
And to be honest, I accepted that my parents will never understand fully what being transgender (esp non-binary) means, doesn't mean i like it. But its better than nothing. At least I know they aren't going anywhere.
Quote from: Allie24 on October 01, 2017, 08:57:38 PM
You're right, it could be worse. But at the same time: a person can have a missing limb and another person can have a broken arm. While the missing limb is no doubt worse than the broken arm, the broken arm does not hurt any less.
Very true. I stand corrected and apologize for my comment. It was uncharitable.
Quote from: rmaddy on October 01, 2017, 09:29:13 PM
Very true. I stand corrected and apologize for my comment. It was uncharitable.
All is forgiven :)
Quote from: Rowena_Ellenweorc on October 01, 2017, 09:25:53 PM
My parents... they're some kind of special. Its like they half support me, half don't. When I came out to my mom, she pretty much told me that there was nothing wrong with me. (DEFINITELY not the reaction I was expecting) BUUUUT then she followed it up with, 'Its not like you're gay.' Well... all righty then....
She then elaborated a little more and said, 'Its not like you're acting on it...' (Actually, I am. Slowly. but SHHHHHH... She can believe whatever she wants)Keep in mind my parents are very religious too. Devout mormon. And (no offense to those here that are in the same age bracket) in their 70s. (Mom turns 72 tomorrow, Dad turns 74 at the end of the month) So they're way of thinking is pretty much set in stone. Its hard to change your mindset at such a late stage in life. (Heck, I'm 28 and changing my own thinking is freakishly hard. And 28 isn't all that old... Though I do feel old compared to some of the younglings that post here hahaha. But that's just me)
So then my mom commented when I expressed that I'm lonely and going through this alone that going to church will help. And people will accept me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA yeah, no. They would do the exact same thing my mom did, and talk to me about taking FEMALE hormones to make myself more female. And to go to church, I'd have to pick a binary gender, and if I picked male, I'm sinning. But I can't possibly see it as a sin. I'm not a sinner.
My mom later called it a gender 'problem'. And she also later called me her 'daughter' and I just cringed at both and wanted to cry. But, in reality, I still think I'm lucky. They haven't ostracized me at least. Even if they don't understand.
And to be honest, I accepted that my parents will never understand fully what being transgender (esp non-binary) means, doesn't mean i like it. But its better than nothing. At least I know they aren't going anywhere.
My partner gave me some good advice once: understand that people grow up with a certain way of seeing the world. We construct realities for ourselves that make us feel safe. These realities are our morals/values/etc. The things that disrupt our reality we often reject, not out of hate, but out of fear/uncertainty. My mom reacts more out of fear, than hate. I know that she loves me, but she also worries. Years will go by, and her mind may change because she will have been presented with a whole new reality that she must reconcile with, and outright denial may not suffice.
Best of luck to you on your journey <3