My wife and I started couples counselling today. For me it's a last ditch attempt to see if she will accept any part of who I really am in our life.
Suppressing my feminine nature caused depression and anxiety which surfaced through gambling amd panic attacks.
On her side I can see she feels betrayed and short changed by a husband who wants to be a woman at least part of the time.
The kids and my job are practical barriers.
The things she said today weren't encouraging, but honest.
1. I should be who I want to be, but she won't be one of those "supportive wives".
2. She has thought a lot about leaving me.
My dream is that she could support - even tolerate - me in some practical way. Once a fortnight if she could treat me as my prefered gender..or at least plan for outlets so I don't despair.
- i love her deeply and I worry if she leaves me I will be utterly lost and alone.
If this situation remains I have to find a way to cope with being a transgered wonan stuck in a man's life.
I'll consider anti-depressants, testosterone? Anything.
Can it really be worth giving up everything to be alone and someone who looks like a man in heels and a dress? I am so angry at myself for not being more self aware before I got so deep into my life. It's my 40th birthday today.
Firstly no matter what, I wish you a happy birthday.
I and others have been where you are. I tried everything to keep my relationship together, considered all options, but in the end, I had to stop lying to myself and be authentic. At that point my partner had a choice... if that person was someone she still wanted to live her life with.
I couldn't change who I was anymore than she could change who she was attracted to. Our marriage didn't survive, others do. I don't blame my Ex at all, I still love her deeply, but both of us deserve a life and relationship with someone we love and who also loves us back.
I do hope your relationship survives, time can change alot. X
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Happy birthday, Sarah! Don't sweat the self awareness part, 40 is about when I started thinking about it, too. You shouldn't assume that your marriage will fail, nor that you would be forever doomed to a life of solitude if it did. You didn't mention it, are you seeing a gender therapist? They can help you decide how much transition you need.
Hugs, Devlyn
This is something a lot of us have had to experience. I'm sorry it's that way for you. What it really boils down to is if she cannot be understanding your marriage is likely to fail. She knows who you are inside. She will either accept that fact (not the same as staying married) or she will expect you to continue to suffer every day in which case she may not feel as deeply for you as you do for her. In a way, subjugating our very being for the expectations of others is what we share in common with each other. It is what leads most of us to unhappy existence and often suicidal thoughts. It is not living. It is not even an existence.
Hopefully she will at least accept you for being the real you. Then if you do stay married or not can be decided. I hope you two can find a deeper understanding of one another and a life together.
My wife knew from about day 1 of my gender issues. She was understanding, certainly not supportive of me being anything other then "Just a CD" which I settled in as. The CD'ing was my much needed escape from maleness ever month or more as required. We planned around it with her going off for the day shopping or whatever adventures with friends. After a few years she asked if it was OK if she stayed home, which I was.
About 8 years ago I dropped the T-Bomb on her. Her support was only knowing it was something I felt I needed to explore, again. This time taking the Trans-Beast on for real. I had joined a support group, and was looking for a therapist. A third transition experiment wasn't a part of my plans. I needed to find a way to keep in balance my female needs and wants with the realities of my male life, the responsibilities I took on, and the commitments I made. Most importantly, I needed to unlearn a lot of unhealthy ways of thinking of myself and loose the tons of Shame & Guilt that ruled my life.
We all would love to have it all, and keep it all. (OK, maybe loose a few dangly bits). Our spouses did not sign up for that ride. Plus add in the assault upon their own self image and sexuality as you change. Perhaps change into a better and happier person to be around. Which is a likely plus for the SO. The physical changes, the obvious ones and the not so obvious ones, are more likely a minus. On top of that throw in all the family and social pressures about you, again she did not sign up for.
We know there are very few positives for our SO's. If any if the relationship was on rocky grounds to begin with. Just dropping the T-Bomb is enough to bring about the end of it after a few weeks of fermenting. The only way it might survive is if both parties believe that "The Us" is worth preserving.
Preservation takes a lot of difficult, open, and honest discussions. It also takes a lot of flexibility and compromising by both parties. It is hard work separating absolute needs from all the other assorted needs, wants, wishes, and desires. You both also have to be prepared that what was agreed upon yesterday, may not work today, or tomorrow. Especially if you explore this side of you more and perhaps learn better who the real you is
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 30, 2017, 07:01:30 AM
Happy birthday, Sarah! Don't sweat the self awareness part, 40 is about when I started thinking about it, too. You shouldn't assume that your marriage will fail, nor that you would be forever doomed to a life of solitude if it did. You didn't mention it, are you seeing a gender therapist? They can help you decide how much transition you need.
Hugs, Devlyn
I've seen a therapist who specializes in identity issues. I've a gender therapist lined up..but I know once I press 'go' on treatment I won't be able to stop.
But if my wife can meet me 25% of the way I might be able to cope and not lose them.
I can't see how I could keep my job either if I transition
Sarah, I don't know your situation, but I transitioned in my job in the UK, and my employer and colleagues have all been great.
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Quote from: meganjames2 on September 30, 2017, 08:27:40 AM
Sarah, I don't know your situation, but I transitioned in my job in the UK, and my employer and colleagues have all been great.
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It's a very visible job. I know it wouldn't be possible. The company would sideline me then look for performance issues to encourage me to leave eventually.
My workplace has only one openly gay person out of a thousand. There was a trans employee once who was not even that secretly ridiculed.
The truth is the law only protects us woth a max 2 year salary. I need that salary for 20 more years
I'm sorry to hear your employer does not sound supportive, can you move to another where that support would exist?
Many employers sensibly leverage their existing LGBT staff to promote the company values and help them to recruit and retain a diverse workforce; I've found myself in demand by very senior management to this end, great for my professional development.
It's up to you, but could you anonymously contact your HR department to at least sound them out?
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Happy birthday. It sounds like many of us have had similar experiences. I , too, didn't seriously tried to explore my femininity till I was 40ish. I've tried some other natural stuff, or staying busy, becoming a workaholic just to keep busy at something not to think or hopping my dysphoria will go away. It never really did. During three decades I tried my best, through the normal couple issues, it was this 'my issues' , 'my problem' 'my abnormalities'.
And it got to a point I couldn't take it anymore. I started her treatment 2 1/2 years ago. Around that time, my wife and I had some heart to heart conversations. I told her then what I was doing, and that I was also planning on seeing a therapist.
She was supportive at first, but it changed
Now we avoid the subject, pretend not to see the elephant in the room. We argue still from time to time, I stay quiet and try to ignore the sometimes not so subtle hostility. Transitioning publicly will mean saying good bye and walking away from her and kids. (Though on the kids front, I think I'm golden, they're a bit older an can make their own minds) At work, I could probably transition w/O major issues, though it will mean kissing any advancement opportunities good bye.
I feel responsible for anything that might happen if I transition: family ties, our marriage will be no more.
I'd feel responsible for leaving her (she had an terrible accident a few yrs back, and she still struggles with lots of pain)
I'm just ranting now...
So the choice is clear, but I don't want to leave and yet I wonder how much longer I can keep this up...
Sorry for ranting...I hope that after reading my experience, it may help you see yours in a different light.
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Sarah, It is an awful dilemma that you face--your marriage and your livelihood or being true to yourself. My heart goes out to you. The person I most wanted acceptance from, the person I most wanted to love Nancy was my wife. You sure won't be the first to choose between your true gender and your marriage.
There is no right answer and no one can choose for you. There are tremendous losses on both sides of your decision. I decided to stay with a non-accepting spouse and we live a DADT marriage. I dress alone. I believe I am feminine within and I always wear one or more items of female clothing. For many, perhaps most, that would not be enough. But I have my marriage, my family, and my career. I have given up the dream of living as a woman.
Some really wise words.
It really has been made clear my wife wouldn't accept any part of me being transgender.
She doesn't mean to be harsh..but she keeps on crushing me with little comments.
We were watching Liar on tv (big British drama)
and a woman was leaving her husband..
She turns to me and says 'your lucky that isn't me with what you did to me'
What I did was admit I was transgender..but she hates me for that
I made an abortive attempt at transitioning in 1999 when I was in my late thirties. I called it off after I saw a young trans girl being abused in court by a judge who kept calling her "sir" with particular emphasis. I am a lawyer, and I was going through a divorce at the time and I was rightly afraid of losing my career and my son and the few assets I had remaining.
So I convinced myself I was a guy, purged my female wardrobe, remarried and...
A few years later the panic attacks started. There were chest pains, irregular heartbeats, high blood pressure, and all sorts of other weird pains, usually in the car on the way to work. My doctor and I thought it was work related. I had about six trips to the emergency room, two cardiac work ups, one full body scan, nothing wrong with my heart. I was on beta blockers, tranquilizers, and near the end of the ten years I fought this, anti anxiety meds.
I finally gave up the denial, started dressing female at home, went in for gender therapy, got on estrogen, and the panic attacks just totally stopped. But they came back in milder form when I had to put on a suit and tie and return to work.
So in order to totally eliminate the anxiety, I have to live as female.
FWIW my wife and I are still together. She saw the effects that not transitioning was having on my health.
Please consider your options carefully. And ask yourself whether keeping your wife and your job is worth wrecking your health, because it may come to that.
Sarah, Of course it is not okay for her to hurt you, and right now it sounds like she is entitling herself to be quite vicious. I encourage you to stand up for yourself in a respectful manner in these situations. Hopefully, she will both settle down and learn to express her feelings more fairly. If she doesn't, it won't work--you can't get beat up by her (emotionally and verbally) while you try to find a balance for your gender dysphoria and work out your marriage. Certainly you realize that your being honest about your gender dysphoria, while a shock to her, was not an attack or told to hurt her. Right now it sounds like she is seeking to hurt you because she is hurt. It's vengeful. Try not to make any life-changing decisions in the midst of a crisis. In the meantime, cherish yourself--there is nothing "bad" about being trans--as misunderstood as we are.
We had another session today and it was hard.
Processing my fenininity is hurting my wife so badly..my natural instinct is to protect her and apologise.
She just wants a normal husband...I want her to love me regardless.
She says I need to wrap this stuff up tightly and throw it away.l
I am on such a cliff edge. Love of my wife and children v an utterly gender confused me.l
The status quo is so much safer..even if the genie is out of the bottle.
i am so sad for her and guilty. She can't grasp how her husband likes dresses
It's 9 years since I first told her how I felt
Sarah, I've been in that place, torn between hurting those we love most, but also reaching the realisation that we're both harming ourselves, and that we also deserve to be happy with who we are.
My Ex felt a similar way, she was empathetic and supportive in that she didn't want me suffering, but was also unable to accept the idea of living with a trans-woman for several reasons.
Time may change things, it may not.
I did realise that if I was miserable (or worse), then not transitioning to keep the marriage together would have ruined her life anyway, and that of our children.
I can't tell you what to do, but keep strong, and any choice you make is valid for who you are, and at that point in your life. X
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Quote from: Sarah77 on October 19, 2017, 04:47:15 AM
We had another session today and it was hard.
Processing my fenininity is hurting my wife so badly..my natural instinct is to protect her and apologise.
She just wants a normal husband...I want her to love me regardless.
She says I need to wrap this stuff up tightly and throw it away.l
I am on such a cliff edge. Love of my wife and children v an utterly gender confused me.l
The status quo is so much safer..even if the genie is out of the bottle.
i am so sad for her and guilty. She can't grasp how her husband likes dresses
It's 9 years since I first told her how I felt
When I first started therapy, as part of taking on the Trans-Beast, for real, 90% of the reason I was there for all the emotional baggage associated with being trans. Especially for the deeply rooted Shame & Guilt aspects of it. Like you mentioned about your worplace, and just about every where else, "->-bleeped-<- Jokes" are still OK... as long as they can't hear them.
It took me a few years of hard work to not let Shame & Guilt rule about every aspect of my life. In reference to the trans stuff, there isn't much shame (I do still live & work primarily as male), and about the only Guilt I have is the pain I am inflicting upon my wife/bff/soul-mate/and Reality-Therapist of some 40 years. She thought, and I hoped, I can be "Just a CD". It all caught up to me eventually.
We all wish "things can go back to the way they were". Especially if that past/future is the "Selective Memory" one. I pray every day NOT TO ever be that person I was before I took on The-Beast. A lifeless, soulless Thing with No Hopes, No Wishes, No Dreams, bar one given up on decades ago. My wife also does not want to see that, plus the Angry Guy she says I was. So much so there were times she wanted nothing to do with me.
Her level of "Support" has changed a lot over the past 8 years. Certainly not encouraging levels. Except when I am hit by a "WTF am I Doing ???" attack, or the associated GD depression/anxiety attack. The voice of reality. No way can I stop. Going back means "Going Back" to that thing I was.
Keep on working on healing yourself from the inside. It is a long process. Keep up hope for your wife to eventually see just how negatively the GD affects you, and perhaps gain a bit of understanding. She just may allow herself to take those first few Baby-Steps towards understanding if her own versions of shame & guilt don't totally rule her actions.
This is a very difficult part of this and you are not alone. I had a marriage that failed since I was trans (and didn't know it yet) and am in a second one that both of us are fighting hard to keep. In the support group I am in they say "You have to be prepared to lose everything if you are going to do this." It is true. For me I have come out to my wife and kids and am 14 months into HRT. I fought this for 50 years and simply could not do it anymore. I gave it everything I had. I have also heard the saying that being transgender wins every time. You can put it off (with a price) for a long period of time but it will eventually overcome any "putting off" you can do. This will not just go away. That is because you are actually in a battle with your real self. I would continue the therapy with your wife. Communication is the key to any relationship. Perhaps over time she will start to accept who you really are.
Counselling is making us both very sad. My wife won't accept any female expression from me. I offered once a month dressing at home etc.
I know I push I lose her. I don't want to. Life is a bugger
Sarah, I know you've been reaching out here about your relationship issues with your wife for some time. I'm very old to go through this and my wife and I have been married for nearly 40 years, I love her as I'm sure you love your wife.
The thought of being cast adrift and being alone is a very scary one for us. Yet, you have to admit, you were alone when you found her. One thing I have learned in my life is that all things, possessions, wealth, people come and go throughout our time here. Paths cross and we have the opportunity to experience time with someone, something in order to learn. In order to really grasp this people need to disconnect from what society wants you to believe.
Society unwittingly forces us to do that when it refuses to accept us for who we are, but for most others that is a break that's frightfully hard to make. Your wife seems to be unable to break from the playbook that society demands she adhere to. It's not her fault, she's conditioned to act and think this way. Neither is it your fault that you are who you are. It may be that in your journey of learning and growth, it's time for your paths to diverge.
My wife is with me today, but I know I cannot say with surety who I will really be a year from now and she may decide she can no longer accompany me on my journey. I will be heartbroken for sure, people we love and relationships with them are precious, but I do know that for every door that closes, another will open.
Try to look at this in a larger way than just the pain you're feeling now. These pains are relatively short lived in the grand scheme of our lives. Just as with pleasures, they come and go, the only thing that will be with you your whole life is you. To gain the world but lose yourself is no bargain. I wish you only the best for you. Hugs toni
You in no way look like a man, so being the man in a dress is not in your future. Ironing this out in a relationship is hard but not impossible. It does take a lot of work and you are trying to do that - kuddos to you. The fears are genuine and real but so are the opportunities. I doubt you would remain alone and i believe over time you would find other options for employment.
Your requests to your wife are certainly reasonable, but she may not be the sort of person that can look past whatever prejudice or thinking pattern that she has about this. Half acceptance is hard for anyone, it seems to me, you either embrace it as a spouse or you don't (although that may be just opinion) A good question to ask yourself is do you really believe you can stifle this in order to not be alone the rest of your life? What would the resentment level and quality of the relationship be under those circumstances? There are a lot of people out there that would be pleased to know the real you.