I feel like I'll be heavily judged by my question but here me out. I am wondering if there are people like me on this site I feel alone with this pain and curios to know those who struggle like me . I am not looking to transition at all I won't let myself give into transition. So let me explain .
Since I was young I was always chasing the boys I'd believe I was one of them until they'd push me away because I was sadly born a girl. I'd shake in disbelief at what they would say and I'd not understand why I couldn't be more like boys in my life when I was always told to act like a girl and be a girl when I wanted to be a boy. When I was in middle school I'd become really dissatisfied and depressed because all I'd ever want to be was one of the boys and be in the groups of boys. I would pray to my God sometimes that hopefully the next day I'd wake up in my true body as a boy. It got worse when my chest started to grow..the girls that I tolerated that were tomboys would be jealous of my chest because it was big to them at the time. I'd wish every time that my breasts could disappear and that I could feel the sun on my chest and be able to take my shirt off but that was a thing I couldn't experience because I was a girl. I then started to obsess over comics and manhwas that had stories about girls that would dress up as boys and be seen as a boy. That's all I could dream of . If I couldn't be a boy then maybe I could pretend to be one . When I finally got my first binder in highschool it felt right to me. To be able to finally see my chest for what it was . I was very happy . My body was finally in sinc with my mind . When I found out that I was trans It then led to the rest of highschool with me cross dressing and wanting be seen as a guy. I also made a strong guy friend who saw me for who I was and it made me happy.
I always struggled with dyshoria when it came to my chest strongly and there are times where I will feel the so called "ghost penis" that I'd feel that the body part I should have should be there. Yet, I'd never care much about my face or changing every thing else . I didn't care if my body and face looked feminin because I knew there are guys out there that have feminin faces and bodies so why should I care about those things I'd believe.
When I finally was able to go to therapy it made me happy . I felt like I was getting a step closer to who I was . There would be times where I would question about takin testosterone but the more I thought about it the more I didn't want to take it strangely . The idea of not recognizing myself scares me. I was a month away from taking T but then something happened in my heart and I never went to therapy. I couldn't bring myself I was scared. I just didn't know what to do.
Over time I realized that when i wanted to transition I prevented myself from things that I actually love like dresses and make up it was something I learned to enjoy and was allowed to which most guys don't get to experience. I didn't let those things dis the idea of me being trans I know who I am and I know the disphoria that I struggle with I won't let some dress and makeup tell those otherwise on what I feel.
Odly enough another thing I learned over time that being called a she never really bothered me. I guess I socially learned and accepted who I was born as and people can't help classifying what they see. Even though the dysporia they can't see I struggle with. I learned that I won't let mere words bother me. I know inside I was supposed to be born a man but I can't blame people for what they see. In summarization I overcame social dysporia.
Another part of me other times want to fight the dysphoria . Even if it hurts I don't want to give up and give in. I went on a journey of self acceptance within myself. My body is healthy why should I go for surgery ( sorry if this offends anyone I don't intend to this is how from my point of view) maybe like those who work hard to accept themselves with what they have why can't I do that to. So after finally a year I trained myself to wear a bra. I trained myself not to focus on my chest . First I wore a sports bra because it was firm and tight and it held my breasts in place and kept them from moving. Then I trained to not look at my breasts. Over time I stopped looking and when there are times I feel that there is supposed to be a flat chest on me and I catch myself looking at my breasts it would surprise me. But I'd say the pain struggled with before is less even if I still face it. It is on a more accepting level.
Another part of me decided not to transition because of my mother. My mom was supportive even if my path concerned her she still supported me. She worked hard to get me to therapy but I knew deep down I was hurting her. I knew she wanted happiness for me but I couldn't bear for her to cry or think if that would to happen. I wanted my mom happy to as she wants happiness for me. Another thing was the fear of regret has always frightened me and always prevented me from taking the next step. I'm kind of glad it stopped me. Also even though there are people that vouch and stand up for trans individuals society still treats us horrible and in this time period I couldbt think of being able to transition.
In the end I believe there are those out their born without body parts and ect. There have been those that couldn't accept what they have and those that could . I wanted to learn and be a man that accepted with what I have. Even if I'm Reffered to as a girl and even if those don't know what I am inside. I just am simply a man born wirth a woman's body. I am lucky to have what i have .
I am not saying those who transition choices are bad or anything I am only speaking of the route I'm taking and wondering if there are non transitioners like me out there who are trans but can't or won't transition.
Nothing wrong with the question and it's pretty close to what other on the site may feel. Consider a MTF cross dresser. They fit into the trans family, are comfortable in women's clothes but have not desire to modify their body by chemistry or surgery. The point of this site is to discover where you are comfortable. You might not want to do anything, you may only want a breast reduction, maybe hormones or go all the way. That's your decision and while we can't make it for you, we will support your search for an answer.
You will find other sites that are transition orientated and anyone not transitioning isn't welcome. On this site we use the word transgender which covers anybody who is not completely comfortable as their birth gender.
One other thing to consider is how you feel today may not be the same tomorrow. Many of the late transitioners on the site have experienced stronger feelings as they age. This may or may not be true of you but be open to the fact that what's right for you today may not be the same tomorrow.
Hi Mordekai
Welcome to Susan's and thanks for sharing. It is great when you get to a place that works for you and your situation. I faced the decision at 19 for the first time and rejected the notion of being able to get any help for how I felt. It sounds to me like you are pretty comfortable with your decision which is the most important thing.
There is no one right way to be trans, each of us have to find what works for us...in my case the first "diagnosis" was the correct one but I spent a lot of wasted years of energy fighting with it. In the end I had to admit I was wrong and it was not a fight I was going to survive happily.
I think as you get older you learn truths about yourself, my thoughts about being a woman never stopped, they were like a constant underlying noise in my head...its now pretty quiet in there...some might even suggest there are a "few roos loose in the top paddock" which is an Aussie way of saying crazy. ;D
I think FTM that doesn't transition surgically is more readily accepted by society than MTF. It'll probably change eventually.
Your story rings many bells with me, although backwards. Through my teens I would pray every night to be a girl in the morning. And I've never liked my flat chest. I always longingly watched the girls play. (See, the same but backwards)
I put off transition for 5 decades. Eventually the dysphoria caught up with me and it almost cost me everything. Transition has cost me only my marriage, but my ex wife, may end up being a better friend in the end.
Take your time, it's your life. You'll know when you're ready, if ever. I've talked to my therapists (yes plural) about "why now." Their response "Now you're ready"
Enjoy being you. Define yourself however YOU want. Be careful of trying to please others.
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