I know this will all make me happy to transition but I feel unhappy right now.
I am not sure if its from having changes in the future, if its not happy about my decision.
Or what... I can't figure it out. I know I am scared of what is to come when taking hormones.
And also scared of what the public will think of me or if I will just hide away while on hormones which wont be good.
Maybe I haven't admitted to myself that this is really going to happen and am stuck in time. Maybe my brain is still arguing with myself because I feel it will be too hard to go through. Why do I still fear losing myself when all I am doing is changing my gender?
In all the attempts at rationalisation and heart ache about consequences, I decided that I was n't changing my gender, I wasn't bucking against the world. I was doing the most difficult thing there is.
I was accepting myself for being me.
Nothing else then matters. People's opinions are invalid and only one person's thoughts are true.
Mine.
This is not an easy life Max. But it can work incredibly well and you can be happy.
Hi Max,
The way you feel is completely understandable. Transitioning is one Hell of a Big thing to undertake and it should never be seen as anything else or taken lightly. If you are now reasonably sure and comfortable with doing it then you should not do it. Now would be a great time to be talking with a gender therapist so they can help you figure out if this is really what you should be doing at this time. There is no rush. Take the time to explore yourself more and understand what and why you feel you should do an why you shouldn't. No one can decide your path Max but a therapist can certainly help.
Hugs,
Laurie
Ok I may be wrong but your gender is who you are and a part of you. You are changing the outside to fit the inside.
It is a scary thing to face because the worst monster we will ever face in life is our own self. This will sound messed up but it isn't easy but not quite as hard as you would expect either. That is the messed up part. But you have to decide who you are.
But who you are is who you are regardless of your sex or gender.
I know I probably didn't make things easier on you but you are who you are. Then go from there.
Self doubt and fear are completely normal. Just because we are all stepping out of our comfort zone and into completely unknown territory. We are leaving the safety of being what we learnt to be behind to something completely new and a bit terrifying. I still don't know where I'm heading, and I have doubts everyday, but I keep on going hopeful that I will find a satisfying resolution at the end of the tunnel that makes it all worth it.
PS: I can't say that I'm happy right now, but I'm not sad either.
Thanks everyone it always makes me feel better to hear from others.
Life is definatly far from easy. I know that changing my body would make me more comfortable.
It's hard to come to grips that this is me. Maybe the scary thing too is all I known is being a woman and
when I become a man I will have to re learn stuff too. I have an appointment it was just a bit longer of a wait for the therapist. Just scared and scared still. Maybe I feel like I am redoing part of my life.
Which isn't bad because my past wasn't the greatest anyway.
Quote from: MaxForever on October 03, 2017, 06:13:02 PM
Thanks everyone it always makes me feel better to hear from others.
Life is definatly far from easy. I know that changing my body would make me more comfortable.
It's hard to come to grips that this is me. Maybe the scary thing too is all I known is being a woman and
when I become a man I will have to re learn stuff too. I have an appointment it was just a bit longer of a wait for the therapist. Just scared and scared still. Maybe I feel like I am redoing part of my life.
Which isn't bad because my past wasn't the greatest anyway.
I may be misunderstanding this, and if so, please correct me, but you should understand that transitioning does not undo the past. Understanding this is fundamental. The life you lived before will be your life until the day you die, and transition will not erase that. You may present differently, and you may have a different name, but the essence of you that was there then, will be with you still. I say this because if it happens that you do transition and you wonder why it doesn't feel like you got to start everything over, it's because you didn't. You will always be you inside.
I may be wrong of course, and again, if I am, please tell me. I say what I say out of concern for your well being. Sometimes people transition thinking it will make them somebody else. But physical changes don't change who you are inside, and if that is who you really hate then transition definitely won't stop you from continuing to hate that inner self (the one unattached to gender, I mean).
I trust that you know yourself best and that you will choose the treatment path that most benefits you. I wish you luck on your journey<3
Quote from: Allie24 on October 03, 2017, 06:26:53 PM
I may be misunderstanding this, and if so, please correct me, but you should understand that transitioning does not undo the past. Understanding this is fundamental. The life you lived before will be your life until the day you die, and transition will not erase that. You may present differently, and you may have a different name, but the essence of you that was there then, will be with you still. I say this because if it happens that you do transition and you wonder why it doesn't feel like you got to start everything over, it's because you didn't. You will always be you inside.
I may be wrong of course, and again, if I am, please tell me. I say what I say out of concern for your well being. Sometimes people transition thinking it will make them somebody else. But physical changes don't change who you are inside, and if that is who you really hate then transition definitely won't stop you from continuing to hate that inner self (the one unattached to gender, I mean).
I trust that you know yourself best and that you will choose the treatment path that most benefits you. I wish you luck on your journey<3
Yeah Allie. I think you got it right. Who you are is who you are and changing the outside will not change who you are so much on the inside. Sometimes changing the outside will make the inside feel better but there is no guarantee. So know who you are inside and then change the outside to match.
Hi Max...
I would remind you that it is in our nature, as human beings, to take the blanks in our knowledge about what a decision as life changing as transition may hold for us and immediately insert our worst fears in to those blanks... Our fears are there to keep us safe from harm but we can become a slave to our fears if we let them rule us....
This thing we hold inside us for so long comes to a point where the need to live the truth of who we are inside will take precedence over how others may or may not view us... if living the truth of the person at your core has become what is most important to you... Move ahead with courage and hold the light of hope in your heart.... You are he only one that must occupy the house of flesh that you were given... If you wish to modify the outside of the house... Perhaps have it re-plumbed? ... That is your business!!!...All will be well...
Onward we go!!!
Ashley :)
Not all mood swings are gender related. Some are, but trans people on hormones still have them.
Hi Max, doubt and uncertainty can rule your life. The best to me is to talk it out. A lady here (wise beyond her years, certainly wiser than me) reminded me that cis males don't have the attitudes and questions that I do. I'd imagine the same goes for your side. That advise stuck with me. She told me I'd probably only feel happy and complete if I transitioned, and I believe it, always believed it. As a recent test I asked a cis male friend of mine if he ever thought about whT he'd look like as a woman. Nope, never was his answer. Is that kind of question our answer? We imagine ourselves in the opposite gender always. Anyway, I asked if he'd like to see what I'd look like if I was a girl, and he said no, he might get turned on. I showed him anyways, and he said he hated always being right. Anyway, to make it short our questions are because we are trans. We might not want to be, but you gotta choose if you want the alternative of denial and repression. I know there's no happiness there. Can you find it?
I think your essence might be the same but if dysphoria or discomfort with your life was making you act differently, for example being sad, or angry, etc... Then transition can change that. Not because of the process per se, but because living the way you identify might erase those negative feelings (if they come from that).
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 03, 2017, 07:52:18 PM
I think your essence might be the same but if dysphoria or discomfort with your life was making you act differently, for example being sad, or angry, etc... Then transition can change that. Not because of the process per se, but because living the way you identify might erase those negative feelings (if they come from that).
I was referring to the statements Max made about starting life anew because of a bad past. Language like that may be referring to something other than simply dysphoria. If it's trauma, then I think the trauna needs to be addressed first, for two reasons. One, gender dysphoria is sometimes a symptom of trauma, and if the trauma is addressed, the dysphoria dissipates. Two, if the dysphoria is indeed separate from the trauma, then the trauma should still be addressed first, because the stress of transitioning (I will not lie, despite its benefits for some, the process can be insanely stressful) can make the symptoms of trauma even worse.
Quote from: Cindy on October 03, 2017, 05:27:47 PM
In all the attempts at rationalisation and heart ache about consequences, I decided that I was n't changing my gender, I wasn't bucking against the world. I was doing the most difficult thing there is.
I was accepting myself for being me.
Nothing else then matters. People's opinions are invalid and only one person's thoughts are true.
Mine.
This is not an easy life Max. But it can work incredibly well and you can be happy.
I couldn't agree more. That is exactly how I feel. I'm doing this for me and no one else.
Sure it was hard to go out in public dressed as a woman the first time but at the same time it felt so right.
I had a lady cashier in a store the other day laugh at me but that was just her showing her ignorance.
You have to do what is right for you. No one can tell you what is right for you.
Listen to your heart.
Love
Bobbie LeAnn
Quote from: Allie24 on October 03, 2017, 08:06:41 PM
I was referring to the statements Max made about starting life anew because of a bad past. Language like that may be referring to something other than simply dysphoria. If it's trauma, then I think the trauna needs to be addressed first, for two reasons. One, gender dysphoria is sometimes a symptom of trauma, and if the trauma is addressed, the dysphoria dissipates. Two, if the dysphoria is indeed separate from the trauma, then the trauma should still be addressed first, because the stress of transitioning (I will not lie, despite its benefits for some, the process can be insanely stressful) can make the symptoms of trauma even worse.
Oh I get it now. I absolutely agree with you Allie.
Sorry for not completely explaining what I meant. I meant T might make me feel like I am re living as a teenager.
I know it wont erase my past. But people who will see me as Max wont know me as insert female name here.
So for them they wont know my past as a woman. (Which makes me happier to know). So I guess that is what I meant by erasing part of my past for others not for myself. I know that myself will have to have my past in my brain still.
I do have trama I don't like to talk about it much my father was mentally abusive. I did go to a lot of therapists when I was a teenager for this. (phsychatrist' as well). And in college. I will discuss some more stuff with my therapist when I see her soon. Sorry for some misunderstandings. Thanks for replying everyone it makes me feel better that people care.
Sometimes I need a reminder that there are people who care.
(As to a reply to the one persons posts about cis people not asking them the question) Often been thinking about this too. I know it is not a normal thing that people ask themselves so I always go over that in my brain. I was thinking about last night that would I be unhappy if I didn't do this, yes.
Making the massive step to transition was frankly terrifying. Plus that coupled with relearning how to socialise with people (which I wasn't good at to to begin with) was also scary. But little by little it becomes easier. You'll have days thinking how wonderful it is you made that leap and others were you feel like WTH am I doing. It just takes patience (which I'm still learning)understanding T isn't a fix it all solution and some therapy may be useful and continues self improvement the same as any other person.
You got this ;)
Quote from: MaxForever on October 04, 2017, 07:23:39 AM
Sorry for not completely explaining what I meant. I meant T might make me feel like I am re living as a teenager.
I know it wont erase my past. But people who will see me as Max wont know me as insert female name here.
So for them they wont know my past as a woman. (Which makes me happier to know). So I guess that is what I meant by erasing part of my past for others not for myself. I know that myself will have to have my past in my brain still.
I do have trama I don't like to talk about it much my father was mentally abusive. I did go to a lot of therapists when I was a teenager for this. (phsychatrist' as well). And in college. I will discuss some more stuff with my therapist when I see her soon. Sorry for some misunderstandings. Thanks for replying everyone it makes me feel better that people care.
Sometimes I need a reminder that there are people who care.
(As to a reply to the one persons posts about cis people not asking them the question) Often been thinking about this too. I know it is not a normal thing that people ask themselves so I always go over that in my brain. I was thinking about last night that would I be unhappy if I didn't do this, yes.
I advise that you deal with the trauma first. Make 100% sure that the dysphoria and the trauma are not connected, and then move on with the process, if the need for it remains. Trauma can warp our minds and cause us to think and do a lot of crazy things. Once that trauma is unpacked, you can look at the dysphoria and the possibility of transition without all that emotional weight. Either you will no longer feel the need for transition, or the transition process won't be as hard as it could've been if you still carried that trauma with you.
It's all about having good priorities set in regards to your mental health.
The trauma I have been dealing with my whole life has been hard to get rid of I don't think I will ever get rid of it.
My father made me feel aweful about myself. (Everything was always my fault). Mental abuse is something people live with all their lives I am sure. My mom is 50 something and she hasn't gotten rid of it yet. I will talk to my therapist about it when I see her next time. Anyway I am sure there are others who will understand this situation.
Quote from: MaxForever on October 05, 2017, 07:46:37 AM
The trauma I have been dealing with my whole life has been hard to get rid of I don't think I will ever get rid of it.
My father made me feel aweful about myself. (Everything was always my fault). Mental abuse is something people live with all their lives I am sure. My mom is 50 something and she hasn't gotten rid of it yet. I will talk to my therapist about it when I see her next time. Anyway I am sure there are others who will understand this situation.
You can't cure trauma, but you can treat its symptoms. Talk with your therapist. Tell them about your gender dysphoria and tell them that you want to find out if there is any connection between the dysphoria and the trauma, and work things out from there. There are many stories of FTM detransitioners who have grown to regret their decisions because their gender dysphoria arose from trauma and was not its own thing. This is why I think understanding your trauma first is what is most important.
Absolutely a must to understand the trauma first. Dysphoria and trauma are two very different conditions treated very differently. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder as a result of childhood sexual and psychological abuse. That my brain created boy and girl alters has nothing to do with being transsexual. Trauma is one of the most curable disorders. But unlike dysphoria, treating the symptoms does nothing to heal the underlying condition.
My Primary wrote a fantastic post on his doctor's misdiagnosis of his DID as transsexualism at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228889.0.html
When I think of the misdiagnosis of DID and other dissociative illnesses as transsexuality, my first thought is always the story of Walt Heyer. Now, while he is a vehement opponent of transition as a treatment in general, one cannot deny that he has suffered a great deal. Imagine experiencing the pain of dysphoria not once, but twice, and having to go through the pain of transition twice. Stories like these are heartbreaking, and why I hope victims of trauma will figure out, first, if their dysphoria is symptomatic of that trauma.
Absolutely wrong to suggest transition is wrong for transsexuals.
There is alot of confusion about DID and transsexuals share an alarming number of similarities with people like me who have DID. It isn't a rare mental condition about homicidal personalities. In fact it is more likely a person is suffering from DID than they are transsexual!
1% to 3% of the population have Dissociative Identity Disorder according to The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. About the same as the number of people who are gay/bisexual.
http://www.isst-d.org/downloads/guidelines_revised2011.pdf
Only 0.6% were estimated to be transgender in the Williams Institute's landmark 2016 study.
http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/How-Many-Adults-Identify-as-Transgender-in-the-United-States.pdf
Quote from: flytrap on October 05, 2017, 11:40:20 AM
Absolutely wrong to suggest transition is wrong for transsexuals.
There is alot of confusion about DID and transsexuals share an alarming number of similarities with people like me who have DID. It isn't a rare mental condition about homicidal personalities. In fact it is more likely a person is suffering from DID than they are transsexual!
1% to 3% of the population have Dissociative Identity Disorder according to The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. About the same as the number of people who are gay/bisexual.
http://www.isst-d.org/downloads/guidelines_revised2011.pdf
Only 0.6% were estimated to be transgender in the Williams Institute's landmark 2016 study.
http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/How-Many-Adults-Identify-as-Transgender-in-the-United-States.pdf
I believe that there has been a misunderstanding. What I meant by my post is that I do not believe a gender dysphoric person with DID should transition without knowing, first, if the disorders are separate from each other, or one and the same. I think that it is possible for one to have both disorders simultaneously with no connection between them. Is it likely? Probably not. But anything is possible.
I am advising the OP to investigate their trauma before undergoing any forms of medical treatment to address the dysphoria, because it is possible that the dysphoria and trauma are linked, and by treating the trauma they are also treating the dysphoria. And that trauma will be treated with methods best suited to help with TRAUMA, specifically.
Also, we can't be sure that the OP has DID, because they have not disclosed any such information. I am making recommendations that I believe to be the safest and most practical. The poster does not have to agree with me.
I say what I say because I am a transsexual who, despite having no trauma, have experienced intense dissociation, specifically in regards to my sexed body. Had I had some prior trauma, I would have most likely investigated this before pursuing transition.
No misunderstanding, your advise is really good! It's too easy to misdiagnose the symptoms and gets really confusing because a person can be DID and transsexual. I have actually met more systems with male and female alters who are also transsexual than cisgender alters like me who are able to share the body.
The one thing a person needs to do is see a gender therapist. Then let that therapist refer them to a psychiatrist and them go from there. One thing that really needs to be done is knowing yourself. I have been back and forth when I was younger quite a few times but the woman was always. Eventually it became to much. But no matter what only the individual can decide and fear should not be an aspect. I am kind of lucky and will admit that. Gynecomastia, something else not growing through puberty. But I have gone back and forth.
DID, that I believe used to be called MPS. In Multiple Personality Disorder the different personalities don't even recognize or aware of the others.
I am a firm believer in knowing yourself. I am also a firm believer in holding off until you know totally for sure. So maybe do the woman or man thing for a year or more with Low Dose HRT and see before you fully commit. Buy a good wig and makeup and women's clothing or vice versa and go out of town and out and see how you feel, preferably in a trans friendly place though.
None of it is easy and all of it will be scary but facing fear is a way to overcome and one step closer to knowing you. Sometimes desire to be you trumps fear but little things at a time. Piercing both ears, plucking brows, shaving legs and wearing shorts in public, a little makeup that is so subtle or whatever else.
I am comfortable with it even though not on HRT. I have the small boobs and don't have to tuck but it is always scary because I know who and what I am. There are no magic pills or cures. OMG I have prayed for them since I was 4 but it was all on me. It is hard work but don't let that turn you off from it because it is so satisfying. Am I intersexed slightly, maybe but don't know don't care. Am I transgender? Oh yeah. Am I female? Hell yeah.
The only thing that I can do is relay my own experiences. Other's experiences will be different. But who wants to be the exact same as everyone else. I did that for four years and had to find an outlet and did.
I know a lot of people hate stereotypes, societal norms and so on but they can work in your favor if you learn how to be a stereotypical female. The voice, the behavior, the movements the actions and reactions and so on. That is where the work come in. The fear comes in with the look and the clothing in public and smooth legs and underarms and even chest and face.. If you have short hair, most women have longer hair so invest in a decent wig and one with bangs screams feminine.
So it takes a lot of work and there are plenty of MTF and FTM turtorials on youtube to change vocal tones and intonation, to move and walk and a tutorial isn't worth a crap without practice and that is where the work come into play. Then go out of town for the weekend and go out even if on your own and preferably to a place that is trans accepting and that is where the fear comes in. The pain in the ass comes in with the daily shaving, the plucking, the makeup and so on. Also matching clothing and shoes with your makeup. Guys have it so easy but not really because they have to put up with women and all the pain in the ass stuff I mentioned. It is life. I think a lot of people overlook that little aspect of the situation. I have a boyfriend and he is ready in less than half an hour to go out. It takes me about an hour and a half to get ready to go out and then I constantly bug him about my looks and clothes and my shoes. It does sound stereotypically female but as long as I have been this has been the norm.
I would not change a thing though. Well one thing and that is if I would have been born a girl. I had no control over that but I would rather enjoy being feminine even if no boobs because that is me and my self identity, emotions and all.
Damn I talk a lot but in all seriousness, no medication will ever make you who you truly are inside. You may be both and go back and forth. Nothing wrong with that either. Just do it and follow it but never be angry about it. In The Human Condition there is not a one size fits all.
I am a trans woman and present as female and nature kind of took care of a little of the HRT part but I have no desire for SRS. I have a boyfriend that says he loves me and is attracted to me and he is not gay. Not too many have been to be honest. the ones that were seemed to break up faster than those that were straight.
Mods please feel free to remove this part or whatever you need to remove from my post. Just PM if you do so I will know why.
Everything I have done and all the choices I have ever made in my life has revolved around being trans except trying to prove something when I joined the Army and that didn't last too long because I decided to live off post overseas and in the US. I could have been a cop with a pension and really high up but I still chose to drive a truck because the bug bit and I could not be a male. So now I won a business and pretty well off on paper but sometimes paid more than average and sometimes less. But I am happy though more or less. I chose to do whatever I did to make myself feel real??? Driving trucks I could shave, have long hair, dress how I wanted and so on. If I would have stayed in the Army that was out of the question. Being a cop? Yes I could have been but in a small town probably not as trans. Driving a truck? I have been pulled over in full female mode and never got a bad word from the trooper or DOT. Treated with nothing but respect. Shaving in the sleeper sucked though. But sometimes the choice isn't ours, we just have to choose according to who we are. It sounds simple but it isn't. It is hard but rewarding.
I really don't know how to say it other than being trans will always be hard. There will always be a lot of work to it even if that work means being stereo typical but it is worth it even if you go back and forth. I think that is why I chose driving because companies don't care as long as you drive safely and get the loads to point b on time. Actually they could care less if I was a shaved gorilla wearing a tu tu and making them a profit. Now I am the same way.
So we can't choose how we are born or who we are born too but we can choose who we are in life. And life is so precious yet sometimes it sux. But accepting who we are makes it a little sweeter and less sucky.
I know that is pretty deep and maybe hard to understand but we should look past a penis or vagina always and see the person for who they really are.
Truly sorry for the long post. :embarrassed:
Yes, DID, used to be called MPS. And your are right, alters don't know about each other. It's has to be that way so the coping mechanism can protect you from your abuser. None of us knew about the others until Primary had his breakdown when he was 48 in 2009. It took 4 years of therapy for him to begin to remember he was raped by his cousin, molested by Mom and all the horrible things that happened to him when he was small.
Now I got you flytrap. ;)
Quote from: flytrap on October 05, 2017, 11:40:20 AM
1% to 3% of the population have Dissociative Identity Disorder according to The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. About the same as the number of people who are gay/bisexual.
http://www.isst-d.org/downloads/guidelines_revised2011.pdf
Only 0.6% were estimated to be transgender in the Williams Institute's landmark 2016 study.
http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/How-Many-Adults-Identify-as-Transgender-in-the-United-States.pdf
It seems that both of those figures are a bit outdated, including the one from early last year. More and more here recently, regardless or possibly because of the obstacles placed in our way, we are seeing increasing numbers of those who don't identify as straight and cisgender. A recent study found that over 25% of the population identified as GBLTQ. That's a pretty significant difference. The primary cause for this steep increase is simple: we are less afraid and more resolved to proclaim who we are honestly, if for no other reason than so that others know that they aren't alone. Stay safe and strong people.
HUGS!
I would be really interested in reading that study, JennBar. It would be great if you could post a link when you have a chance?
I do also have a history of mental and physical abuse growing up.
10 years ago I had a psychosis due to identity crisis, being a workoholic to forget myself and alcohol and morphine abuse to forget myself and my childhood.
I have been working with my emotions and thoughts a lot with a psychologist for many years. Today, I don't hate my father. But I don't love him either. I feel nothing for him. He is not forgiven for the foul scars in my soul. I pity him. He will be alone when the last day comes. I won't be there. I can't forgive and forget. BUT I can let it go now. What he did was NOT my fault. I was a child. He drove me closer and closer to the abyss.
Today. 10 years later I know who I am. I know I'm not a victim. I'm a survivor. I am confident in myself. I am much calmer and and people say I'm a rock they can lean on when things go bad.
Seriously, take care of your trauma before you transition. You need to find yourself first. If the trauma is crawling around your legs and biting you now, it will after transition too.
You are the most important person for yourself. You need to feel as yourself inside yourself and not hide behind masks.
Believe me, I'm an expert in using masks. That was the only way to survive as a kid. I know what I'm talking about. I guess you know too.
What you need to do is get help to break the old habits and thoughts that comes from trauma. You need to love yourself and see and feel that it was not your fault. To know that deep inside.
Tony
Thanks Tony your post meant a lot to me to see another person go through similar experiences. I feel nothing for my father as well I may be a bit mad at him. But I also cannot forgive him for how he treated me and my family. How I went to school crying everyday.
Thanks everyone for the posts I read through a lot of them. I do understand about the trauma thing I will talk to my therapist when I see her about it. I just don't want to wait too long to transition because it is kiling me inside to not be able to be who I want to be. I know I am a boy on the inside. People called me "She" and "woman" at the hospital when I was there yesterday and got frustrated because I know people still see me as a girl.
Quote from: MaxForever on October 06, 2017, 07:38:21 AM
Thanks Tony your post meant a lot to me to see another person go through similar experiences. I feel nothing for my father as well I may be a bit mad at him. But I also cannot forgive him for how he treated me and my family. How I went to school crying everyday.
Thanks everyone for the posts I read through a lot of them. I do understand about the trauma thing I will talk to my therapist when I see her about it. I just don't want to wait too long to transition because it is kiling me inside to not be able to be who I want to be. I know I am a boy on the inside. People called me "She" and "woman" at the hospital when I was there yesterday and got frustrated because I know people still see me as a girl.
If you want to start, start with changing how you dress. Cut your hair, use a binder, etc. But wait until you've worked through the trauma before you start T or have your name legally changed. The difficult thing about FTM transitions is that HRT has some very permanent effects, and more health risks, than HRT for MTFs. T also comes with a lot more mental/personality side effects. It can cause things like increased agitation and anger. And your sex drive increases exponentially.
It sucks to wait, I know. But I'm serious, this trauma will carry over into the transition and will make the process so much harder. Or even worse, if the trauma is the cause for the dysphoria, you may end up regretting it later.
Perhaps you just have not mentioned it, but it sounds to me like what you experience is primarily social dysphoria. I should warn you that there is quite a difference between being a man, and being seen as a man. If all you want is to be seen as a man, then the changes that come with HRT and surgery may prove problematic. Your body as you know it and experience it now will be gone and you will have to live with your changed body every time you are alone. Not to mention, there are some FTMs on T who are still consistently mis-gendered. T, like E, does little to alter bone structures. Your body shape will remain the same. Your shoulders may not broaden, and your facial structure may not masculinize, so it is possible that you may still be read as female by others. This is not said to discourage, just to get you to think. Transition is done primarily for you and not anyone else. Passing can be super important, and can make or break your decision to press on with it, but if passing is all that this decision depends on then you need to reconsider going forward with this. I say again, T has some very permanent effects and it is absolutely vital that you are 100% sure before starting it, and that 100% includes knowing that the GD is not related to your trauma.
Best of luck<3
I am 100 percent sure this is what I want. I have been having dysphoria with my bottom part lately. And my breasts.
I been wanting them gone for a while. And the bottom part I do know I don't like how it is. I know how permanent the changes are I have been reading and watching videos all about it. Also already started with the clothes/ hair.
I got boys clothes from goodwill and feel a lot better wearing them and more comfortable. And I like my hair shorter. I have always been a tomboy and never liked dresses. This has been stressful and I know it is what I want.