It came to me yesterday that for the last 30+ years I've not had "friends". I had a lot of acquaintances and "friends once removed" (Friends of my wife mostly) but honestly I can only look at 3 or so people who I would consider "MY" friend. Someone who I could call and say - I need some help - and they would come over.
In the last few months I've made a number of 1st person friends. It is such a different feeling. I kinda like it. It seems genuine to me.
Has anyone else experienced this?
The very same thing happened to me.
:
April 22, 2015, the day of my first face to face pass in gender neutral clothes and no makeup. It may be months to the next one, but I'm good with that!
Being transgender is just a phase. It hardly ever starts before conception and always ends promptly at death.
They say the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. I say, climb aboard!
Think outside the voice box!
I had two genuine friends before disclosing to my former best friend of over 30 years. No remorse over it. I haven't used the 'trans' word with my second close friend who just thinks I'm gay, which I'm fine with. I disclosed on Facebook on National Coming Out Day last week to the whole world, complete with photo album. The response was great overall, but mostly from the women. The best friend I ever had, with whom I had grown apart due to distance and going in different life directions, surprised me and reacted positively. I'm beginning to build a brand new life and finding ways to make new friends who only know me as my authentic MtF self.
I'm with you nearly all my friends are only neighbors. I've not kept in touch with any friend from childhood, college, or past jobs. I always felt like they didn't know me, so why make the effort. It seems mutual, they didn't try and keep in touch either.
After accepting myself, I did reach out to two of my electroligists though and it really surprised me by the reaction. They of course knew I was trans from the beginning of treatment, but with them I've been able to feel normal and authentic. We've gone to dinner a number of times. One even came to group therapy to support me.
I really think accepting ourselves has been the key to make real friends. If the first two are any indication, I will have many more Real friends in my future.
Bari Jo
Yes
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Very similar here - maybe 3 true friends, 4 counting my spouse. After transition i have many more, mainly ciswomen.
Yes from me, I'm far more social, and just enjoy people's company in a way I never did before.
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I have found the same to be true. I was a loner before and now am more relational. I don't know if it is a change in my nature or if guys just don't relate and befriend other guys as well as women do with each other. I do know that most if not all of my expanded group of friends are either trans or cis women.
I"m also struggling with being the biggest extrovert and at the same time being totally shy.
It's a constant struggle.
I consider that it became much easier to be friends on deeper levels after a transition that features self acceptance and having nothing left to hide. Being vulnerable about who we truly are might also help us feel greater confidence in our selves and empathy for other marginalized and oppressed people.
I find its much easier to be friends with women, in general, as it seems i am no longer seen as a predatory male :D
Quote from: Tessa James on October 19, 2017, 02:14:21 AM
I consider that it became much easier to be friends on deeper levels after a transition that features self acceptance and having nothing left to hide. Being vulnerable about who we truly are might also help us feel greater confidence in our selves and empathy for other marginalized and oppressed people.
I find its much easier to be friends with women, in general, as it seems i am no longer seen as a predatory male :D
I agree. But being new it's tough to know friendly from flirty.
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I have several friends who're consistent and reliable down the years. I don't want too many because friendships have to be paid for with time and effort and there's only so much of that you can dedicate to a group of people and do them justice.
I'm a lot friendlier than I used to be now. My secret weapon is of course that I understand both guys and girls and how they tend to tick, so socializing with either isn't difficult. But, I still tend toward remaining detached unless a person does seem like they are becoming one of those "good" friends. That's a bit like training bonsai, takes many years and time and effort and a degree of creativity to get a really special or creative friendship. But it pays off.
I've really only had 1 good friend and my wife who is my best friend. But a lot of it was me pushing people away and just being hard to be friends with. I just didn't like myself and I had to be alpha male personified so I know I wasn't super fun to be around at times.
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A neighbor once said "A friend, a real friend, is that person that calls you in the middle of the night and says "Help me, I can't have an erection". Before transition I realised I never had that kind of relationship in my life. My "friends" always had closer friends, which would be chosen before me. I never had that old childhood friend and memories of exciting summer adventures with them.
I now have a partner which is also my best friend (we both celebrated when I stopped having erections) and a person that is the closest I've ever had to those "best friends". We hang out every now and then, have memories together and tell each other personal stuff. I decided I'm fine with just the two of them. I don't need a big cohort of "best friends" to be happy.