may i visit your personal graveyard of buried hopes and dreams?
let me read the names and dates on the weathered stones
guide me through the stories of your regrets
let me plant flowers on the graves of your most cherished dreams
show me around
allow me to take your hand as we walk among your dead
it is the dead of winter. all sun worshippers (optimists) will freeze alive
i want to know the ways in which our situation has kept you from realizing dreams and goals. i don't want to hear optimism, or how we're the same as the cisgendered, or any of that 'you make your own destiny', 'life is what you make it' horse manure.
i want to hear from those who have been robbed of their dreams. i want to hear what you would've done had you been born with correct genitalia all along.
mostly, i want to know i am not the only one with my own graveyard of buired hopes and dreams because of our situation.
if it turns out i am alone with no other graveyards to visit, only my own time worn stones to touch, that is fine.
i just appeal to those who may operate their own personal dream cemeteries.
I'll never find someone who loves, adores and wants me... body and soul. I at least had some of those things, although for the wrong body. Now I've lost even that. It's ALL lost.
And the whole life built around that... and children, being a mother freaked out with worry every second of my life and LOVING it... oh well. Dust in the wind. GONE.
Yay, I'm a girl now. Late to the party to find everyone's gone home long ago. All dressed up and no life to live.
Yea, I'm sulking tonight alright. I go and take our the trash, and here's this neighbor girl of mine walking past, guy on her arm, both drunk out of their minds, headed upstairs for You Know What. And it's SO easy for her... a wiggle here, a little skin showing there... and dammit, it would have been easy for me too. But no, I get to watch my Should Be Life reflected cruelly back by every woman I see and meet, over and over, every day and night.
~Kate~
well, i wanted to raise a child, and i did.
i wanted to go to college, and i did.
i wanted an artistic career, and i can't say i've gotten there yet. after all this time, i still cherish the idea, and rather than burying it, i just tell myself i haven't found my medium yet.
i wanted to learn a foreign language, and i still think i can do it.
i've somehow lost all my love relationships, and have given up the possibility of falling in love as a male. maybe if i get my body configured correctly, i will finally succeed, but, one can never tell. and hope is so brutal sometimes.
i wanted to finally be able to access my real personality, and, you know, live in it. and coming out has let me do that.
and all i want for Christmas is to hear the cashier at the supermarket say "thank you, Ma'am." and you know i can't give up hope on that.
sorry, my dear! hope springs eternal! oh wait, the boy version of me is in the graveyard, and mouldering nicely, thank you.
-ell
You are tough nut lately, Nero. You gonna be okay, fella? I have to admit I kinda worry a bit aboutcha.
I, ummm, actually am sorta happy, now you mention it. Given my family and my younger sister, who was actually a little exposed to more modern notions. I would bet that I might have gone to college and majored in English. <O, yeah, I did that anyways.> I'd have just done it at a church school. *sigh*
While there I prolly would have gotten married, possibly to a preacher and then I'd have raised kids, been in subjection to my hubby and been the grand preacher's wife.
Hmmm, I spoz being TS has been a trifle better than that, at least sometimes. A GG my age and with my upbringing might've not been very big on the sorts of hopes and dreams you seem to have in mind.
I want to find a man that loves me for who I am not what I have or don't have. I want to marry in white like all the gals do. Why shouldn't I? I'm a girl too and I want to have what every girl has. I want to be a mother, raise my children, cry with them, laugh with them, help them with their homework, tell them good night stories. I want to grow old with the man of my dreams, share a life together, help each other out when age hits us hard. Those are my dreams, still unfullfilled, not sure if I will be able to realize them. Maybe I will have to bury them too and live only dreaming about them :(
My dream became my reality, my hopes raised from the depths of dispair.
I no longer look backwards with regret, only forward into a better future, where I may not have everything I wish, but I am happy.
There are many things I felt guilty about during my transition, but as time goes by, the guilt fades and they just become a memory that I now lock away in the recess of my mind.
There is to much life to live, to reflect daily on what has been or what could of been.
My only aim now is to write my future the way I want it to be written.
Rebecca
Nero, I do have one thing in my graveyard but I cannot say that it is because I am transsexual that I lost it. Just one thing matters enough to still make me cry.
Wing Walker
My life has remained at the same level. I have hopes and dreams but time is quickly eradicating these options......also financial problems don't help when you want to go from A to B..
Best to take it one step at a time...
My dream is to have been born female. Not everything is perfect but I can't complain. I've achieved many things I never thought possible (oops sorry Nero, you said no optimists and here I am doing that very thing)
Quote from: Jeannette on December 09, 2007, 07:15:41 AM
My dream is to have been born female.
isn't this every transsexual girl's dream? we just do what we can. when life gives you lemons, make lemonade :P
I want to be a male model
I've never been robbed of my dreams, I've had to make choices in my life that made some dreams more likely, others less likely.
And when I look back many of those dreams were childish, others might well have killed me had I made it to that point when I wanted to, others were just silly - passing fantasies that were more mental cotton candy than anything of real substance.
I told my mom once that I really wanted to have been a girl, and she told me it was a good thing I wasn't or else I would have been nothing but pregnant from 15 to 35. True that.
Then of course, there were the dreams that once you got them turned out to be something less than you imagined them to be going in. Perhaps those are the hardest of all. A dream denied is sad. A dream realized as much less than you thought it would be is a pretty bitter-sweet moment.
But there are also nice things in that graveyard, so that finding out that status, admiration, and money are not worth near as much as working with people who like you, who you like, and who are all the best at doing what they do. That working in such a setting elevates any job into surreal moments were you are there thinking "I can't believe they are paying me to do this."
The best things in my life were not making the dreams anyway, it was the unexpected things that happened along the way that turned out to be far mo-better than anything I could have ever dreamed of, or wished for.
There is a near perfect balance in a graveyard. No matter how plain or elaborate the headstone, what's going on under the ground is the same - male and female, rich and poor. It can reassure us that no matter what, good or bad, that all things must pass. Read the born/died dates and understand that we are here for a good time, not a long time.
Quote from: Katia on December 09, 2007, 08:57:05 AM
isn't this every transsexual girl's dream? we just do what we can. when life gives you lemons, make lemonade :P
i prefer lemon merangue
Well, in fighting to be female for a while, I made two of the biggest mistakes of my life.
I got pregnant at 17. And then aborted the baby.
That was one year ago (to date) and I've never felt worse in my life.
The other things are trivial compared to that. I want to be a male theatre star, want to date gay men successfully, want to be a Marine. Chances are that none of those things will ever happen. I lost the person that I thought was going to be the love of my life and the father of my children because I just couldn't take pretending any more. That still hurts, too.
My hopes and dreams seem so far out of reach that in this last month I have become suicidal again. (see, not an optimist here). I became involved with someone and now that is over, as quick as it started. I just couldn't function anymore, and I am a proud and stubborn person to my own detriment. I always want to do things on my own, I never ask for help, and look where its got me? I am my own worst enemy!
I have reached out now to some dear friends who are going to help me because I am stuck deep in a rut, that I just couldn't see straight anymore! With their help, I hope within 6 mths I will be well on the way to where I was headed before I got side-tracked.
I thought I was ready for a relationship, ready to fall in love. I am far off that mark, my heart is aching constantly, I have to switch off, stop wanting and desiring something that will never happen. I feel like a broken person that needs to be put back together again, but no one can do it but me! And that's a tall order for someone like me! :(
Quote from: buttercup on December 09, 2007, 04:14:16 PM
My hopes and dreams seem so far out of reach that in this last month I have become suicidal again. (see, not an optimist here). I became involved with someone and now that is over, as quick as it started. I just couldn't function anymore, and I am a proud and stubborn person to my own detriment. I always want to do things on my own, I never ask for help, and look where its got me? I am my own worst enemy!
I have reached out now to some dear friends who are going to help me because I am stuck deep in a rut, that I just couldn't see straight anymore! With their help, I hope within 6 mths I will be well on the way to where I was headed before I got side-tracked.
I thought I was ready for a relationship, ready to fall in love. I am far off that mark, my heart is aching constantly, I have to switch off, stop wanting and desiring something that will never happen. I feel like a broken person that needs to be put back together again, but no one can do it but me! And that's a tall order for someone like me! :(
I understand. Love should be avoided at all costs. I'm a widower. I will NEVER care for another human (aside from my mother. too late for that) again so much that they have the power (through death or what have) to destroy me.
Quote from: Nero on December 09, 2007, 04:18:31 PM
I will NEVER care for another human (aside from my mother. too late for that) again so much that they have the power (through death or what have) to destroy me.
Sad thing is, just as with GID,
Love really doesn't pay much attention to what we want or think. We're just pawns being shoved about on it's chessboard.
~Kate~
Quote from: Nero on December 09, 2007, 04:18:31 PM
Quote from: buttercup on December 09, 2007, 04:14:16 PM
My hopes and dreams seem so far out of reach that in this last month I have become suicidal again. (see, not an optimist here). I became involved with someone and now that is over, as quick as it started. I just couldn't function anymore, and I am a proud and stubborn person to my own detriment. I always want to do things on my own, I never ask for help, and look where its got me? I am my own worst enemy!
I have reached out now to some dear friends who are going to help me because I am stuck deep in a rut, that I just couldn't see straight anymore! With their help, I hope within 6 mths I will be well on the way to where I was headed before I got side-tracked.
I thought I was ready for a relationship, ready to fall in love. I am far off that mark, my heart is aching constantly, I have to switch off, stop wanting and desiring something that will never happen. I feel like a broken person that needs to be put back together again, but no one can do it but me! And that's a tall order for someone like me! :(
I understand. Love should be avoided at all costs. I'm a widower. I will NEVER care for another human (aside from my mother. too late for that) again so much that they have the power (through death or what have) to destroy me.
Oh Nero, Life is such a %$#*&^.
Quote from: Kate on December 09, 2007, 04:25:07 PM
Quote from: Nero on December 09, 2007, 04:18:31 PM
I will NEVER care for another human (aside from my mother. too late for that) again so much that they have the power (through death or what have) to destroy me.
Sad thing is, just as with GID, Love really doesn't pay much attention to what we want or think. We're just pawns being shoved about on it's chessboard.
~Kate~
true. but all those i have truly loved, save my parents - my husband, sisters, my grandpa and namesake uncle, best friends Ricky, Ryan, and Rod, Carla (only girl I loved), are in the ground or otherwise gone. so, i figure i'm safe (especially since it's looking like i'll go long before my parents). i just can't let myself love anyone new.
Nero
Im going off thread here, I always find your posts interesting and sometimes very deep, can you do 1 thing, get rid of that scary cat with them ugly eyes, that cat picture really scares me, OMG!!
here's one that maybe you can sink your teeth into, Nero.
i just got kindly asked not to attend the biggest family gathering in the family's history.
well!
i know, i should be all like, >:( and :'( but i'm actually feeling more like :laugh: and ;D and >:D
the thing is, the family never actually gave me male respect, anyway. ya know? that was in the graveyard years before my transition. and those members of my family that do love me, have always accepted me as one of the girls. those who are self-righteously speaking out against me now have always regarded me as a low-ranking female in the family pecking order. there seemed to be some concern that i was going to vociferously object and then crash the party in my girl clothes, pretty jewelry, carefully tended eyebrows, French manicure, and subtle and sexy eye make-up. but what are they thinking? a quiet girl doesn't impose herself in that way. and, also, really just doesn't give a #$@*!
I have accomplised mostly everything in life but despite my happiness, despite the fact that life makes sense now, despite the fact that I have been fortunate to find love once again, there is still one thing which is missing. I would like to be a mom to my own child. I don't want to adopt any children (sorry), I want a child of my own, I want to get pregnant and carry my little baby for nine months like all the mothers do. I know that this will never happen in this lifetime but still..dreaming doesn't cost anything....right? maybe next time, in another life, in another dimension, in a different world with a different body.
tink :icon_chick:
You may not carry it, but adopted children are just as much yours as the natal ones are. Its nurture, not nature in the end.
Quote from: tekla on December 10, 2007, 10:28:53 PM
You may not carry it, but adopted children are just as much yours as the natal ones are. Its nurture, not nature in the end.
Dang it, tekla, that was a very sweet thing to say. you should tell Tink that if she wants to be a momma, she absolutely could do that. the 9 months thing could be great (or not) but the real effort is the 21 years of caring for the little one and watching him or her grow up into a sweet and thoughtful person.
Quote from: Tink on December 10, 2007, 10:22:05 PM
I have accomplised mostly everything in life but despite my happiness, despite the fact that life makes sense now, despite the fact that I have been fortunate to find love once again, there is still one thing which is missing. I would like to be a mom to my own child. I don't want to adopt any children (sorry), I want a child of my own, I want to get pregnant and carry my little baby for nine months like all the mothers do. I know that this will never happen in this lifetime but still..dreaming doesn't cost anything....right? maybe next time, in another life, in another dimension, in a different world with a different body.
tink :icon_chick:
* with moist eyes* God, our condition does deny us so much. I wish I could give my womb to someone who would use it.
Thank you for sharing, Faery Queen.
Quote from: Tink on December 10, 2007, 10:22:05 PM
I have accomplised mostly everything in life but despite my happiness, despite the fact that life makes sense now, despite the fact that I have been fortunate to find love once again, there is still one thing which is missing. I would like to be a mom to my own child. I don't want to adopt any children (sorry), I want a child of my own, I want to get pregnant and carry my little baby for nine months like all the mothers do. I know that this will never happen in this lifetime but still..dreaming doesn't cost anything....right? maybe next time, in another life, in another dimension, in a different world with a different body.
tink :icon_chick:
aww :icon_cry: :icon_hug: <3 :) :) :)
Hello to everyone :D
I am so happy to have found this site.I am deniz from Greece.Pre op trans. 23 years old.Things are very messy but i keep on fighting.I would like to believe my dreams have not been buried yet, except the one of not having a child.Keep on dreaming.We are the last dreamers of this sleepy planet,I love you all partners
How about the hope of "I'll outgrow this stupid obsession someday, learn to like sex as a hetero male, and become a real man and husband!"
You can sure bury THAT one and stick a stone on it.
Though maybe I never really had much hope for that one...
~Kate~
I don't see why you would deprive yourself of the 20 years of being a parent, just because you can't have the 9 months of pregnancy. Perhaps its not really the children you want, but something else. As any parent will be happy to tell you pregnancy for the most part is the easy part of the deal, the next couple of decades where you have to put your life second, third or even less - that's the hard part. Of course, its also the part that makes the difference. Its all too easy to be a mother or father, its hard to be mommy or daddy.
Quote from: tekla on December 11, 2007, 03:26:08 PM
I don't see why you would deprive yourself of the 20 years of being a parent, just because you can't have the 9 months of pregnancy. Perhaps its not really the children you want, but something else. As any parent will be happy to tell you pregnancy for the most part is the easy part of the deal, the next couple of decades where you have to put your life second, third or even less - that's the hard part. Of course, its also the part that makes the difference. Its all too easy to be a mother or father, its hard to be mommy or daddy.
well, i am not a parent and not a female, but there is something about having children who are 'flesh of your flesh'. and women are programmed with the desire to procreate. and there's something sacred about carrying a life inside for 9 months and then through her labor and pain, holding as new being of her own flesh. and the bonding of feeding the child milk from her own body...
barren natal women often share this lifelong sorrow
Quote from: Nero on December 08, 2007, 10:14:38 PM
i want to hear from those who have been robbed of their dreams. i want to hear what you would've done had you been born with correct genitalia all along.
Here's a dream that's not quite dead, but the plot has been dug and the stone carved. I like to think that were I born properly that I still would have met my wife. Then I would have been able to treat her as she deserves to be treated, rather than wall myself off and denying her the love and affection I should have given her.
Val
Nero,
When I came out to my parents several years ago my mother was as accepting as she could be. What I mean is I don't think she realized the implications of what I was saying. That was even after I told her that if everything worked out she'd have another daughter. But she did say "Do whatever you need to do to be happy". I was looking forward to possibly having a new relationship (mother-daughter) with her. Now, a few years later, I'm done transition, but my dream will never be. No, my Mom isn't dead, but she is now in early dementia. As a result she doesn't seem to be aware that I've transitioned. :(
There have been other disappointments, but that one really hurts.