Hi, I am Eva.
This is the first time I have admitted this to anyone.
My story is a bit different. I have lived 68 years as a man. My submergence of my gender identity was so profound, I was not really aware I was living in a state of denial; so the many stories in these introduction blurbs are hard for me to relate to, until now.
I was content (maybe not truly happy) with being a male, but I was recently diagnosed with penile cancer. This has triggered my dysphagia. Once I realized that part or all of my penis was departing, first I had a sad week, as if I lost a friend to death, but then I started thinking about options, and I started talking to my wife about gender assignment. Although I think she was humoring me, she said she would stay with me and support me whatever.
Over the next two weeks, I went crazy. I went from dread to elation. I felt I had lifted a huge weight off myself. I had to learn to converse/accept my emotions, and the epiphany that I was Eva. In the end, I had no choice. If I don't then I enter a world of denial, and from the posts here, that is not a good place to go to.
Fortunately, I am a lesbian, so my sexual orientation fit with my gender identity. If it hadn't I bet that I would have come to this point a lot sooner in life. I want to stay with my wife - I get very excited about developing a new life with her.
I guess I am dense, but I have glimpsed my female gender identity over the years. In fact, I wrote an unpublished novel, in which I chose the main character to be the heroine. There are other instances, too, such as cross dressing at 10 years old.
I see from the posts that fear is a big factor, and I am struggling with many fears. I think am an old man and I feel is would be disrespectful to the female gender wear women's clothing, but I want to. I worry about a gynecological visit (this in particular almost scared me to the point of denial - not the visit, but waiting in a room of women to await my turn). Obviously, telling my family is a common fear issue. It's funny though; I know fear wants to dissuade me, but my mental transformation is so complete that these fears are incidental obstacles to be overcome. (In the last three weeks, I can't tell you how much my whole personality has changed; there is so much to tell.)
Today I am tackling a big fear. I am seeing the doctor to get a final prognosis, and I anticipate that they will be doing a partial penectomy, taking off the top of my penis. (Ideal for the transition! Yah!) That is not the fear; that is the hope! The fear is that I am going to be telling my wife definitively who I am - Eva, and that regardless of the prognosis, I want to be Eva. Wish me luck!
BTW, could someone recommend to me a book on trangender transformation? I see there are a couple Transgender Guides, but I would like to start with the best.
Yours, Eva!!!
Hello Eva, welcome to Susan's!
I am so glad you joined, and posted.
I am transgender and can say from personal experience - if you have discovered what will make you happier and live a better life, go for it. I began transition before talking to a gender therapist but wish I had met with one earlier. The knowledge and connections to other professionals would have saved me time (and in some cases, money).
I'll disagree with one thing you said... I don't think you are dense at all. ;) Society can try to make us dense by imposing arbitrary constraints, some of which are thankfully heading into the dustbin of history in many parts of the world.
As for the way you might present yourself in the future, I believe any qualified medical professional will by definition treat you with complete respect and focus on medical tasks. Note the word "qualified." If any professional can't handle a different gender presentation I'd immediately question their competence. As for the waiting room, who cares... you're not just a patient, you're the customer. If you're in line to get your car worked on and some other customer doesn't like the color of your car, who cares... it's their loss and they ain't the fashion police.
Books. The best overview I've read on this topic is The Transgender Guidebook: Keys to a Successful Transition (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1461006201/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1) by Anne Boedecker PhD.
A book that's really fun to read although serious in places is She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/076791404X/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1) by Jennifer Finney Boylan.
And on the topic of reading I'll add information we provide to new members. Guidelines to save time and speed up your initial navigation:
Things that you should read
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Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
Eva, best wishes on your medical visits, procedures and future. See you around!
Kendra
Welcome to Susan's Place. Your story isn't that much out of the ordinary. We have other members who maintained a male existence into their 60's and then some life event caused them to reevaluate their life and came up with a totally unexpected answer. The one suggestion I have for you is discuss your current plans with the surgeon who will do your next procedure. Preserving material for the next surgeon is always the goal but possible your surgeon may be able to do a more aggressive procedure without impacting your ultimate goal.
Hi Eva, I am 66 and then some and have just admitted that I am transgender. I have had many times in my life that I knew that I wanted to be a girl. I have been generally ok with being male. But I never used the term transgender before last summer. I realized then that like so many things in life we reach certain points when things just click. Go for it.
Hi Eva :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
;) Thank you ALL for your comments. They were comforting to me at the time. Sorry for the late response, but as you (and only you gals) can imagine, I had to go through a lot of self-doubt and questioning to get where I am today.
Just a quick update...
I did come out to my wife last December, and I have been per the insurance company, 11 months on HRT as of tomorrow (October), but as the crow flies through the timeline it is closer to 10 months. Been a tussle, but will be coming out to my immediate family on January 31, 2019. (Wish it were sooner, but am abiding by the wishes of my wife, who has been supportive!)
I am seeing a surgeon in October in regards to a trachea shave (only transgender surgery covered by my insurance), which I am hoping to have shortly after Thanksgiving. After a hiatus, am back perusing Susan's place and of course making inane comments, but at least I am trying to be helpful.
Bottom line, I am and was a positive person, but now I am learning happiness.
Hi Eva, I'm glad to see you back here on the forums.
It is a big decision to transition and self reflection is needed to feel comfortable that this is the correct path.
Your wife's support is great to have, that in itself could be helpful when telling the rest of your family.
Good luck with your upcoming trachea shave!
Hugs and smiles from a California girl
@EvaB Dear Eva:Yes indeed, it is wonderful to see you back on the Forums and filling all of us in regarding your latest UPDATE.
I fully agree with the comments by our lovely member
@Jessica ... and having your wife's support is something than not all transitioners can attest to... count your blessings and be thankful for that.... and coming out to the rest of your family is like a big weight being lifted off of your shoulders... it is so liberating and allows you to finally and freely express yourself in your journey without the burden of trying to hide your secret any longer.
Please continue your involvement here on the forums and keep your followers updated if you feel so led to do so.
We are your biggest fans and wish you success.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Thanks Alaskan Danielle and Jessica! Support is a key, and I want to thank you for your support
I feel once I am at the end of my journey, I'll just be me, a woman, but transitioning can be painful, especially all the surgeries and procedures (electrolysis, etc.), I would like to do, assuming I can find the money to do them. I have realized that if you fear the pain you can't get where you want to go to.
Eva, your first post aligns when I first joined as well. Back then I was so wrapped up in my own distress that I barely looked at any one else's. There are a few similarities in our stories. I also have the support of my wife. I am out to all and full time. My children, grandchildren, immediate family, and most of my friends have accepted my and my path.
I hope that your family greets Eva the way that mine greeted Faith.
Best outcome wishes for your upcoming surgery as well.
Faith
Welcome Eva!
Your story nearly moved me to tears. I hope everyone in your life welcomes you with open arms and that you are always happy.
XX, Zoe
Welcome! Better late than, never, right? :) 'To thine own self be true.'
And you should be PROUD you're moving to do just that! We're cheering you on. :)
Hey Eva!
I sorry to hear about your cancer, and hope that you can defeat it. Though it brings you to this beatiful realisation it still awful news. Be healthy and stay alive, girl.
It also great you have such supportive wife. Hope she'll save this attitude after your transition. Nobody know how it'll go, but wish you best.
Though you already participated in few discussions I think we didn't met (lol it hard to catch me anywhere :D ) and I'm glad to welcome you :)
Nice to meet you too, all of you!
BTW, I am a two-time cancer survivor. Luckily, the cancer is gone; not in remission, it is gone.
No need to feel sorry for me... ;D
EvaB...