Hopefully this does not trigger anyone, but I am curious as to which parent took it better when you came out as trans. My story goes like this:
For years before I came out in 2014 I was highly worried about coming out to my parents. For one, I thought both did not approve of trans people. When the topic came up my dad brushed it off almost of getting a feeling of disapproval. Whereas my mom was more vocal about her disapproval. I recall around 2008 when I was thinking more deeper at the time about the subject and I just vaguely mentioned it in regards to someone in the new paper who had surgery she kind of went on with the ''you can change your outside but not your inside'' and the typical stuff you would hear. In 2010 or so a trans woman started to work in her unit and her response was more or less ''she doesnt even look like a woman'' :/
I was worried about coming out to both, but mainly my father. That being because he is not feminine in any way. He is hairy, always had a beard throughout my life, huge as in built like an ox, 6'4 and yea. During his 25 years in the military he would go down to either California or up to Alaska on a course and was known to get into bar fights in those places as well. I was also his only child and among the last of the family name so needless to say I was skidish. With my mom I thought she would be hurt at first but snap out of it within a day maybe?
Well, the day I came out to them (different days) I got a shocking response. It was my dad who took the news better :S?!?!!?... I told him, gave him a fb message and walked away only to come back with basically ''if this will make you happy for a change then I support it, love ya''. And since then I have never had any issue with him over it. At all. During some point early in my transition he asked me what i want to be referred to as when he mentions me to others, i do beelive i said she and he summed it up saying ''I will call ya she, besides I think my co-workers are too stupid anyway to figure out I would be talking about the same kid and not two different kids'' My Mom took it harder then expected at first and tried to ''guide'' me out at first. With the whole ''why cant you just be gay'' thing, and said other thing that were hurtful yet at the same time she did permit me to transition while living under her roof so that was atleast nice. Over time however, her opinion on my transition and apprently trans people in general have switched. During the early months of my transition she began to watch documentarys of trans people and started to really empathize with what we go through. I guess at first she thought we (in this case MtFs) were just fetishists or gay men taking it too far. She did her research on trans people on her own inititive and found that is not the case as to why we do the transition but rather due to a brain and body mis-match that we discover at some point in our lives and how the process actually goes. She also saw the stats and real life stories of trans people being discriminated and being banished by family and she seemed hurt at just how mean people can be towards us. A perfect example is last year when in the news we heard of North Carolina trying to pass an anti-trans bathroom bill. She became very upset and kinda miffed that the state government was making a deal put of what she thought was a non issue. A pretty big change as of this day in 2017 from where she was in 2010 I must say.
As of current both parents are great about my transition with perhaps my mom getting the higher marks. Thats because my dad and I havent seen eachother since 2009 and our relationship is talk for about 20 mins every week or so, I do love our chats tho and hope to visit him in the near future :), my mom on the other hand went from not liking this transition to embracing me as her daughter :) she has spotted me out a few dollars if i was running low on funds for HRT, she has taken me out shopping and does my hair on occasion. We bond like mother and daughter and she has even mentioned she sees more life in me now then before :). In addition, she seems to empathize with trans people in general now better after doing her own homework. How was your experience ?
Well you probably will trigger something with your question which is not a bad thing. I say that because I am choking back the tears. I know I worried about this for weeks myself. My sister took this burden off my plate. She volunteered to tell our parents on my behalf. She has been my #1 ally in my family. My brother thinks the "GD" makes you crazy. So my sister told my parents, and I prepped myself to tell them myself. About a week after I called them and told them how I was feeling and that I was trans and had felt wrong for a long time and had been depressed. My mother actually took it better than my father. I figured the opposite because earlier in my life he thought I was gay. So he had already had some inkling about 10 to 15 years earlier. So yeah my mother took it well and asked about my hormones. We share that in common. She is taking HRT for menopause. So it was rather strange to talk about the same hormones. Dad did not talk to me for 2 months and then after barely, but he is slowly opening up. They are still adjusting to it all. I mean they have known me one way for 37 years and it is a lot to take in. They are finding it hard using new pronouns, new name, and saying daughter. Which I know they don't mean it but, it still hurts that they aren't trying harder. This last month I went and visited them. Before I left I asked them make an attempt for me, call me by what I want, so for me, my family is adjusting to it all. I definitely connect with those of you that have issues with coming out to family because I am right there with you. It doesn't hurt any less with age that they don't make it easier for us. So, yes thanks for sharing your story!!!!!
I came out 2 years ago and it went something like...I am trans,
My mother " I think you are very Brave and I love you"
My Father "I will always love you"....followed a short time later with "I knew what you were going to tell me...(interruption)"
After those initial maybe 2-3 sentences , they never said another word to me about it for 9 or more months.
2 years down the track I think my father has decided he will be the one to "Deal" with me where he misnames me and still talks to me like "one of the boys" My mother avoids contact and as my Father likes to Skype, she seems to always have a reason to not be around when these video calls are taking place....when she is present, it is brief and basically friendly, but the person on the screen is not really my mother...my mother left the day I cam out and she has never spoken to me directly or privately about me being Trans and now cannot even tolerate to look at me. ( it is heartbreaking for me as I was always very close to her). Every now and then she will say something out of the blue which is nice and pleasant but she just can't sit and chat anymore. It still upsets me to think about it too much...so I don't
I think what will happen is that I will just stop contacting them....each time it gets more and more difficult to even talk to them...especially when I am openly misnamed and misgendered. Its been 4 weeks and I hope to avoid talking to them for at least another 8 weeks....eventually limiting it to minimal. I am sure they feel stressed as well but if there was one thing they could do to help things turn around it would be to talk to me openly and honestly about how they feel, then we would at least have an honest basis with which to starting point.
Unfortunately I just seem to be getting further and further away from my parents as my transition progresses and change more each time they see me. My father is unsure of what to say and when it comes to LBGTQI issues I can feel some tension around these subjects.
Maybe time will help...however none of us are getting any younger
I told mum first and asked her to tell dad - with his dementia I was worried how it would go.
Initially she took it well.. Then she told dad and the meltdown happened (they tend to feed each other when one or the other gets upset and just spiral out of control) so the melt down happened and I had some truly horrible things said to me that I will never repeat. Then they made the mistake of assuming my wife thought the same was as they did.. Needless to say "Marelda" gave them a piece of her mind and it really was a turning point.
It took time to work past some of the things that were said but Mum and I are now the closest we have ever been. Dad is still dealing but he is making a effort (most of the time) and I hope that he gets their eventually.
-Mara
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My mom was apprehensive, but accepting. She was mostly worried about my safety. My dad didn't take it well. I came out as questioning at first, and he was bewildered and then in denial. We didn't talk about it again until a year later when I sent him a letter letting him know I was transitioning and that I had been on hormones for two months. As I expected, he tried to talk me out of it. He got visibly angry when I told him I would absolutely not consider delaying, which I did not expect to see. He was always good at controlling his emotions, so seeing that flash of anger cross his face was kind of shocking. I found out later from my mom that when they spoke, he started crying. She said he didn't even cry when they got divorced.
We didn't see each other again until a family gathering a month later. We spoke few words to one another. Before he left he hugged me and told me he loved me. The next day his heart gave out while mowing the lawn. He had been suffering from Congestive Heart Failure for years, but it had been well managed. I sometimes wonder if the stress of my transition killed him. Did he notice any changes?
I want to be clear, I DO NOT feel guilty about his death, and I wouldn't even if I knew for sure it was because of me. I had to live my life, and before I started HRT, I was barely flickering.
My mom laughed and said "it's about time." Something like that. I asked her why she had not said anything, she told me you don't tell other people they might be transgender.
My father was already dead when I discovered that I was transgender. When my mother went into hospice we decided that she wouldn't benefit from finding out. So they both took the news lying down.... >:-) :laugh:
Hugs, Devlyn
I told them both at the same time. With the support of my wife. Dad said mom would take it harder. Mom stayed quiet. Some months went by, and a few questions were asked, but nothing much came of it. Now mom avoids using gender based pronouns completely, and dad calls me son more than ever. Mom tries to use Claire, but fails most often, more frequently it is SteveClaire all run together. Dad only uses son or Steve.
I didn't come out, my dad outed me himself. I have always been very feminine, started wearing makeup when I was 14 and dressed androgynously leaning toward the female side. I had been afraid to come out. He's a masculine guy, former marine and now a cop. Everyone assumed I was gay and he hadn't had a problem with it but I was totally scared of pushing it. A lot of people can accept a gay child but a trans child is another thing. I had assumed my mom would be fine with it because she's always been supportive of LGBT people and issues. It didn't work out that way at all! My dad just came out and asked me if I wanted to be a girl. I got freaked out and didnt know what to say. He told me if I did it was ok and that I needed to do it now and get it out of the way. I was crying and he was hugging me and telling me it was ok, things would be fine and I didn't have to cry. My mother asked me " why are YOU crying? What will my friends think? What about the rest of the family? I'm the one who should be crying not you!"
My dad found my gender therapist, found my Hrt doctor and gave his consent for me to start hrt at 17. He even went with me to the first couple of Dr visits. My mom on the other hand did everything she could to try and prevent me from transitioning. The consent for my hrt treatment had to be signed by both parents. Initially my mom refused to sign it. I don't know how but my dad finally got her to sign it. She told me not to expect them to pay for anything related to my transition. But my dad did pay for everything. My SRS is scheduled for May 2018. My mom had already moved out when he sent them a deposit for the surgery date but she found out he did and came over just to scream at him for it. And a million other things she's done. Telling me that I would never be a real girl, trying to shred my self confidence and telling me my boyfriend is really handsome and that he's way out of my league and sooner or later he will dump me for a "real" girl without my limitations.
You just never know how anyone is going to react when you come out. I figured my older brother would have a big problem with it but he was totally supportive.
Thank you everyone for sharing your life stories :). As much as I would love to say they are all amazing to read, my heart goes out to most of you who experienced mass rejection or a hard time from one. Thank you all for your bravery!
Thank you, as for you Julia1996 I am sorry your mom is still acting like this. She is really playing it over kill.
Wooo. So I'm a chicken and came out over facebook and in a powerpoint. But it went fairly well!
Story goes like this: I had to disown a grandmother and my mother doesn't seem interested or supportive to my transition. On the other side though, my father attempted to by me a binder and is trying his hardest to call me Randi. My friends are more supportive than my mother is. Well, you can choose your friends but you're stuck with your family, especially when you're still a minor. My younger and older sister both are supportive and my best friends know my personal struggle of coming out as agender but feeling more transmale. Guess I'm going to have to come out twice, yeah? ;D
Also, my dad knew something was up way before I even figured it out myself. Lol.
My mom definitely took it the worst. My dad still took it really hard, but he's not the freak out go crazy type of person that my mom can be. My mom cried hysterically for days I'm told. And now months after telling them, we pretty much just talk like normal, and don't talk about "it". I live 1700 miles away from them so that helps. But.....they have made it clear that they could never handle being around me dressed as a woman. So it leaves me in a position of either having to not be true to myself in order to go around them, or go around them anyway and make them face it, or just not go around them at all. Right now I am choosing the avoidance method. It's just easier for me to live my life here where I have people who understand and support me.
I didn't really have to come out because it had always been pretty obvious I wasn't a boy but I did come to an understanding with my mom and step-dad when I was 15 about being a girl and that there was no way in hell was I ever going to grow up and be a man. It was kind of a no sh!t Sherlock, what took you so long moment. They said they always knew and were just waiting to hear it from me.
They were supportive and did the best they could to keep me happy and grounded but in 1970, that wasn't a lot. I already had long hair and was femme leaning androgynous but little things like getting my ears pierced, brows done and shaving my legs helped. By the time I was 17, I was really in despair and they found a specialist half the state away that got me started on HRT which helped me manage to make it through my senior year of high school. I completed social transition as soon as I graduated which had become rather anti-climactic by that point. They made all the arrangements for getting my name changed and everything was great.
I didn't come out to my biological father either. I hadn't even spoken to him since I was 14 because he couldn't handle my femininity and was a jerk about it. When I was 24, seven years after I started HRT, six years since I had formally transitioned and two years after I had SRS, my mom knew she didn't have long to live so she tracked him down in California and told him he had a daughter. I have no idea what his initial reaction was bu shortly after that, my mom and I took a road trip to meet with him. He was polite and respectful and we sort of rekindled our relationship. We wrote back and forth for several years never mentioning a darn thing about what I'd been through. I visited a couple times in my early 30's with my husband whom my dad really got along well with. Over time we lost touch again and I heard through the grapevine about 15 years that he had died.
So, the parents that raised me were amazing considering how long ago all this was. It's a certainty I wouldn't have made it without their love and support. I had no siblings to deal with.
Quote from: Daisy Jane on October 27, 2017, 11:16:42 AM
My mom was apprehensive, but accepting. She was mostly worried about my safety. My dad didn't take it well. I came out as questioning at first, and he was bewildered and then in denial. We didn't talk about it again until a year later when I sent him a letter letting him know I was transitioning and that I had been on hormones for two months. As I expected, he tried to talk me out of it. He got visibly angry when I told him I would absolutely not consider delaying, which I did not expect to see. He was always good at controlling his emotions, so seeing that flash of anger cross his face was kind of shocking. I found out later from my mom that when they spoke, he started crying. She said he didn't even cry when they got divorced.
We didn't see each other again until a family gathering a month later. We spoke few words to one another. Before he left he hugged me and told me he loved me. The next day his heart gave out while mowing the lawn. He had been suffering from Congestive Heart Failure for years, but it had been well managed. I sometimes wonder if the stress of my transition killed him. Did he notice any changes?
I want to be clear, I DO NOT feel guilty about his death, and I wouldn't even if I knew for sure it was because of me. I had to live my life, and before I started HRT, I was barely flickering.
I forgot to add. My mom ended up telling my stepdad after my dad called my mom to discuss my transition. He still treats me the same, and we don't talk about it. Once, a couple my mom is friend with asked them how my transition was going. I was told my stepdad got into a huff and said "I don't wanna talk about it!" The husband replied, "You know what? I would much rather deal with the struggles you're kid is having over the struggles mine is having. All of the fighting, the lying, and the criminal behavior is too much!"
My dad and my stepmom bought tickets to see several economists speak at the local university, but my dad died a couple of months before it took place, so my stepmom went with a friend. One of the speakers was a transwoman named Deirdre McCloskey. She spoke a little about transitioning and a little about economics. My stepmom bought Crossing, McCloskey's book about her transition. We had dinner after she finished reading it, and she told me that it helped her become more accepting of me, and that if my dad were still alive, he would be more accepting because he would have attended McCloskey's lecture and would have read the book.
No idea about dad, haven't seen him in 20 years.
Stepdad? No idea. He surely knows all about it via others but he's not known for making the effort to communicate so I don't know if he took it better.
Mother - could be better, could be worse. Was supposed to be the "tolerant" one of the family but clearly by tolerance this just means "I'll tolerate whatever matches my particular worldview. Anything that doesn't is weird or wrong." Doesn't bother talking to me any more but still sends me money at Xmas out of guilt I guess. Was accused of not being supportive by other family members but I didn't get much of this directly.
I'm guessing my dads might have taken the whole thing better. The males in the family were the ones who pointed out that I "always did seem different even as a kid" and that this might well (correctly) be related to my trans thing. Mother has trouble with the idea of transition because she herself never needed it or understood it.
I've tried to be more in contact with the last two over the last few years but they seem uninterested. Kept distance from real dad because all he wanted to do was pressure me to go visit his family so I can be presented to them, I guess. I ain't going as the long-lost daughter that's for sure.
My step-mother accepted it instantly & has been doing what she can to help me along.
My father seemed to accept, but was more than a little upset about it. I think he doesn't actually like the idea, but wants me to stick around to do things for him (long story). He has yet to see me as Sarah, but I have the feeling it wouldn't go well.
My parents always knew I wanted to be a girl but they did not approve. On the whole, my father's love was more unconditional, though.
My mother caught me dressing up more than my father, and she was always contemptuous. My father seemed mostly embarrassed or exasperated. As a child, the only time I heard him talking about it was he caught me hiding in a cupboard, where I had ducked while wearing a dress of my mother's. He didn't say anything to me but I heard him talking loudly to my mother. She was sitting with my grandmother who was visiting us from overseas, and my gran said something that implied she was not surprised.
When I was an adult, my mother was particularly scathing when people she knew recognised me, on the occasions I was out and about dressed as a woman. That was usually while I was house sitting for people, as being the lady of the house seemed to give me more confidence. Once, she simply said that she despised me. She didn't say why and I did not ask, but I knew. I tried not to show my feelings but I felt wounded for many years, until my mother became dependant on me, and somehow I couldn't hold anything against her while she needed me.
The only time I heard my father speak about it, when I was an adult, was when I announced I was returning to Britain. He blurted out that I was going to become a prostitute! I don't know where he got that idea but he had guessed right about me planning to live as a woman. My mother, brother and sister-in-law were also present. Embarrassing but I think that he was genuinely afraid for my safety, so I regard his outburst as an act of love. My mother actually got to Britain years before me and my father came with me, and I never permanently transitioned while they were alive.
How are they about it now? Obviously, I'd need a seance for that. If I had transitioned while they were alive, though, I believe that my father, though disapproving, would not have rejected me. I am almost sure that my mother, whom I also loved, would have rejected me. I sometimes think that transitioning while I was nursing her might have been a good idea, but then I remember that she had a weak heart and I really did love and care for her.
My mum laughed in my face when i told her and started acting passivve agressive for a bit but she seems to calming down now. My dad was confused at first because i didnt seem like the type (i was pretty good at the dude facade) but tries to be supportive although he did laugh the first time he had seen me dressed but then he said somthing nice and has been helping me with gender/name change documents and is happy to be be out in public with me while i'm dressed so now i'm the confused one [emoji38]
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Both of them pretty much had the same 'we saw this coming since you were three' sort of reaction. I guess of the two of them my dad was more surprised but both were very supportive. My dad died the day of my top surgery consultation (pre-T), though, so he never really got to 'meet' me on any useful level.
My mum hinted multiple times that she'd be if i was gay. Dunno if she suspected something or if it was just out of the blue, and dunno how she'd react if i told her i was transgender. My best guess would be something like "Wut ? You've always been a slob around the house, never took much care of yourself and are way too much into video games to be a girl !".
My dad on the other hand would probably be something like "meh, another weird thing about him, whatever".
My own parents both took the news "lying down" as Devlyn put it. No issues there.
My mother might have been okay with it, or she might have put on an okay face to me but complained to my brothers. Hard to say. My father would have said, "Oh, I'm not interested in that stuff," his standard answer to anything outside of the box.
My in-laws were both very much alive. Initially, my wife thought it would be best not to tell them. We didn't visit much together: when she goes to visit, I usually stay home to look after the dog and cats. We could have gotten away with it for a while.
But they were both in their 90s and in failing health. Being realistic, I pointed out that, in the not too distant future, there would be a funeral, and it would not be right for me not to go. And I could never go back to boy mode, so I would have to go as Kathy. A funeral would not be the time to come out of the closet, so we told them.
They were great! Totally accepting and happy for me. They scored 100% on my name, and only had a few slip-ups on pronouns. My mother-in-law even gave me a beautiful necklace the first time I visited as myself. It makes me weepy just thinking about it.
There has since been a funeral, and, as it turns out, I couldn't go. But the relief of having both my in-laws know me as myself has been wonderful. My father-in-law gets my name right every time I answer the phone when he calls.
My dad and previous step mom knew from when I was 16. My step mom suspected it and asked me do you want to be a girl.Because I was very feminine. She was very supportive and tried to help me by telling my dad I want to become a girl and then all hell broke lose. My dad didn't take it good and he refused for me to transition. It ended up in a big fight between them where my dad didn't allow her to talk to me anymore because that she he said she is influencing me in thinking that I am a girl and that she is strengthening the crazy idea I have. My step moms advice was to do it when I get out of the house because I will never get my dads consent.
She said it is better also if I keep it to myself so I didn't tell my mother at that stage. I then went on and my dad bended me to his will and I tried to life the way he wanted me to life took a work he forced on me and started life as a male that he wanted me to have. Because of the job he had full control over my life because he was my boss. I finally broke down in 2014. I came out to them and my mom was shocked and tried to look for any reason on earth that it could not be true. She later turned into one of my biggest supporters and just wanted me to be happy.
My dad on the other hand wasn't shocked about it because he dealt with it before but was furious and tried to convince me to not do it. He thought then he could manipulate me into not doing it and convinced also worked with my ex on a plot to scare me out of doing it with divorce threats that told me if I don't stop the idea she is going to divorce me and all of them is going to cut me out of their life and his will.
Well I don't talk to him much after my coming out and transition. I keep my distance because he can't accept it. He still calls me by my dead name in the rare occasion that we talk or see each other and use male pronouns.
I came out to my parents over 4 years ago. My parents are divorced and both re-married. My father didn't take it too well and he doesn't talk me at all. He ignores any attempt to contact him. He's also a narcissist and lied and told his side of the family that I don't talk to him. What he didn't know was that his oldest sister is one of my biggest supports and the truth came out. Now he tells everyone that he loves me and just can't handle it. His wife (of 10 years) just dropped off my Facebook and didn't say anything about it, but one of her daughters (from a previous marriage) is supportive.
My mother, despite being a Fox News watching republican has been very supportive along with my step father (who I've known since I was 14 and more of a father to me in many ways than my biological father.) My mother was expecting me to come out as gay male because I was always feminine. She was sort of right in that I'm a lesbian. She did some REAL research and has been there for me. It still took some adjustments for her, but considering how conservative she is, she kept an open mind when it came to me. Unfortunately she didn't keep an open mind when it came to voting for Trump, LOL.
My brother (only biological sibling) and my two step-sisters from my step-father have all been supportive from the beginning.
My mom throughout my life kept asking if i had 'questions about girls'. Something deep inside told me I should never EVER ask her anything, and instead find it all out on my own.
In retrospect I wonder where this unearthly wisdom had come from... turns out she was extremely fanatic religiously, and still doesn't accept it 20+ years later.
Ironically I was born intersexed, with fairly ambiguous genitals (they weren't 'normal' looking, but enough to get me the amab slap of a label). Androgen insensitive, and my testosterone first measured around 20 was nearly nonexistent and lower than normal female range... estrogen normal but low female levels. This was before any surgeries.
My father did finally accept it before he died... at least I'm grateful for that. My mom? I wonder how much 'alterations' happened when I was born to fit her image of what she felt I was to become. I also wonder if DEA wasn't somehow involved. Turns out I was born missing any internal sex organs (or so half the tests say at this time)...