Lately, I've been dreaming vividly alot.
And it's starting to worry me kinda.
Before I consciously made a decision to transition....most of my dreams were from the perspective of a non-gendered awareness, where in the dream, the gender either wasn't revealed, or even mattered.
Although sometimes I'd be female, and sometimes male.
Percentage wise they were roughly about 60% without gender, 25% female, 15% male based dreams.
But now..... that I've actually consciously set transition in motion, and having started HRT and laser.
I've started having extremely vivid dreams of being a male, and doing male things.
Like the past 3 nights have all been 'male' dreams to the extreme.
Things like river rafting down the amazon river, or being a fighter pilot in WW3, or being an MMA fighter. (obviously girls can do all those things too, but I was a 'strong' male in the dreams)
It's causing me to become extremely confused, to the point where I'm legitimately conflicted in the mornings, when I wake up and take my E pill.
Anyone else experience similar?
Or even just crippling/over-consuming doubt?
Dreams are weird, and those are just the ones you remember. Try not to read too much into them, it is a road that leads nowhere good. Just by having this anxiety at all makes you more likely to have the dreams, reinforcing the anxiety, leading to more dreams, etc.
I have bad dreams more often than you can think of. At first, it did conflict my thoughts. But after all this time, I have got used to it. Now I wake up smiling even from my worst nightmares as if I have seen some crazy weird short film.
Just remember! There is no meaning behind such dreams. Dreams are greatly affected by our physical environment and health. Even a slight change in diet can give you strange dreams. So can the movies you watch, the games you play, the sounds you hear while you're sleep etc. Sometimes when I hear kids while I am asleep, I become a kid in my dreams too. The only thing that can be deduced from such dreams is that your brain is working too much in your sleep, and you might wake up feeling tired.
Don't worry about these dreams. Just laugh and say "Whoa! That was one hell of a dream" and move on.
My take on dreams.
Yes sometimes they work to solve daytime problems that your awake brain got lost trying to solve. I wish those happened more often :/
I equate dreams to subconscious fantasies. You're are relating more and more female so your mind is fantasizing more on male. Gender-based dreams are coming up because that is your foremost concern right now. I don't know, kind of makes sense to me.
Most of my dreams revolve around day to day stuff (like one last night reminded me to do an oil change on my generator)...
However recently I have started having transition related dreams. In most dreams I was post op and had quite some fun (the details are not really suitable for this page but I am shivering even thinking about it). Maybe a harsh reminder that I really want surgery and what long of a way I have to go...
In the past I have noticed that certain medications has a strong influence on dreams. A few years ago, I had a long lasting cold and I used NyQuil for a few weeks... after the third week I had scary powerful and colorful dreams. I stopped NyQuil and the dreams stopped too...
Check if you have made any such changes.
Before thinking about transition, i used to sometimes have dreams where i was female and feeling really good about it.
Now that i'm in the process, i've had dreams about coming out to my work and family : some result in immediate acceptance, other went horribly wrong, some others where in between.
Dreams are just your brain trying to work out your day-to-day problems and trying to find a solution, i wouldn't worry too much about it.
I personally feel we should pay attention to everything that occurs in our transition. If you were heading towards a cliff and signs kept saying, danger, slow down, stop ahead, it probably would be hubris to ignore those things. I'm no shrink, but I would suspect your ego is not going to let him die an easy death. You have a lifetime of that person and I cannot imagine the Id which is in constant protection mode is going to give up withot some kind of fight. So I would think it's just the old persona you spent a life crafting crying out any way it can. Much like the muscle memory that allows you to deflect or catch something coming at you despite it being unexpected. OTOH, we should listen to the cues were given and at least ponder their significance. There's always time to do this, but once it's done, it can't be undone. Take your time, listen to your heart and soul and don't allow yourself to be cheer lead into something that can't ever be undone. If you're heading down the rabbit hole, make sure it's one you're jumping into with eyes wide open.