Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey everyone!

And before I start, hats off to everyone who's made it through what I'm just starting, you're all beautiful!

So about three months ago, something happened to me which made me realize that I have always wanted to be a girl/woman.  But let me fill you in on my current life situation first, which I'm sure is similar to many who have been or find themselves in similar situations.

36 y/o and currently married with two beautiful children.  I'm have a job that I'm stuck in (for now) and I can't open up about how I feel, and who I really am.  Of course I ask myself everyday if I'm in the right head space, and still at the end of any day when I look in the mirror the only thing that feels wrong is the fact that I'm not looking at woman's body.  I started facial hair laser removal, but haven't told my wife.  The reason I didn't tell her is because the first time I told her I wanted to dress she freaked out and later said she feels like she's lost someone close, which I can understand.  We're coasting right now, but I'm scared because I DO love her and I am attracted to her, it's just that when she said it, it really hurt me.  It made me feel like who i was has never been enough, or our marriage and relationship isn't enough to support me if I decide to transition using HRT.  I know she's struggling and I wish I could do more for her, but I'm also hoping that she may understand over time and accept it.  We've talked a couple more times and when she asks me if it's more than just wanting to dress I usually say something along the lines of 'I'm not sure.'

I guess patience is the only thing I have right now when it comes to her, but I haven't even began to think about how I would come out to my family.  Anyways, where am I personally?  At 5'11" 160 pounds, I'm trying to trim down and feminize / soften my looks.  I shave my whole body every 4-5 days, and try to excessive my lower body only.  I hope to be on HRT by the time I'm 38, and for me personally I've decided to keep my unit.

Every time I look in the mirror, it sucks.  Day and day out I keep thinking about things I've done throughout my life in an attempt to edge what it would feel like or be like to be a girl.  Picking girl characters in games, obsessing over girl characters in movies and books.  Loving women, not just because of an attraction, but because I admire their beauty.  I feel so much more beautiful as a woman, every time I have to take my wig off it tears me apart (sorry to sound dramatic).

I guess I'm just looking for support at this point, strength through the stories of others.  I don't really know what to do, but I hope I figure it out.  Obviously my condition effects everyone I know as well as me.  Thanks for reading :)

-Autumn

Hi Autumn  :icon_wave:

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Hugs

V M

Hi Autumn!!
First of all, thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and experience!! It was very brave of you!

I am 36 just like you and also married to a woman.
It is indeed very hard for them to deal with all about it. But the truth is that the only possibility for everything to work out well is that if she "transitions" together with you. Just like it is a huge step for you, you have to understand that it is also for her. She really needs time to understand, to adapt, to see you are still you and to realize if she can allow herself to love and be married to a woman.

I think it is of the utmost importance to understand that you both need to transition together; you need to include her on every step you take, every decision, every doubt and every certainty. Work first your issues inside your head (see a gender specialist therapist if you can) and then when it is a little more clear for you include her on the issues (please don't assume they are YOUR issues. You are married and you love her! So your issues are also her issues).


I will share what happened to me and my wife about our transition hoping that maybe any of my experience can help you somehow.

With my wife, even though she declared, since the beginning, she is not lesbian and she will not be able to live with me as a woman, we are doing fine so far. The more important thing I guess is for her to understand what is going on with you and why.

For me it started just like that. I once told her I liked to dress up as a woman (she also freaked out and thought I was gay and everything was lost...), but I patiently and many many times explained her I was the same person, I was not interested in men, that I love her and this would never change.
I explained I dressed up because I've always felt like a woman inside, but this is the only way I could express who I really am. A few months later, I told her I was going to started epilating all my body hair. She hated it (today she likes it), then we talked about facial hair; my hair was growing and started to use more and more female accessories (in truth I've always used them).

One day she asked me: "do you really want to be a woman?" I've answered "I don't wanna be a woman. I AM a woman, but as I was born male, just now I could realized it."
I also told her if it weren't for her this would have happened already much earlier, but I just couldn't stand it anymore. But as I love her more than everything, I would not live as a woman if she didn't accept it, because she is my priority.

Months later we talked about my intention to start HRT. For her it was like announcing I had cancer. I reinforced all the things I said before, all the love I feel for her, and reassured her that I really needed it.
She thought about breaking up, but I asked her to let some time pass, that everything would change so slowly and I needed her to watch the changes and she if she could adapt to them. And postpone any decision about ending our marriage until she is absolutely sure she couldn't live with my changes. I again reassured her I would not live as a woman until she decided she was ok with that, or until we really separate.

She agreed... almost 8 months have passed since then and it looks like everything we went through reinforced our love and our care for each other. I have absolutely no idea about our future, about what will happen. But so far I still express myself as a man but I feel like the most happy woman in the world living my own fairytale. :)

Well I really hope it helps you somehow...
Best wishes!!  :icon_flower:

Hi Autumn! I'm 35 and just getting really started myself. I wish I could offer advice for your marriage situation, but that is outside of my wheelhouse. There are however many people here who are going through or have gone through transition while married, and they will be more than happy to offer you their experience. :)

Autumn! hello my beautiful friend!

We're quite similar you and i, im 35 wife and 2 kids and i am just figuring out who i am too. I weighed myself yesterday and i was surprised to see i lost 11/12lbs in the days after my realization.

You mention hrt in 2years? can i read into that your in the uk like myself?

I hope you stick around and can feel safe here talking as no one is about to judge anything here.

Welcome  :-*

Hi Autumn,

For my 2 cents worth. I am also 36, married, 2 kids, my realization came 2 months ago after years of suppression. First thing i did was talked to my wife about it, it wasn't easy but she said she accepted that i want to become a woman. Since then she's supported and helped with clothes, and other things to help me feel more feminine. We fight a bit because she's still processing it all. I can't reassure you that everything will end well, but i hope it will. They key is honesty and openness. If she doesn't know what's going on how can she begin to understand what your experiencing, or begin to process her part in your life as a woman.

I hope it all goes well, and like so many others here. We'll support you in any way we can.


Regards,
Chloe

Autumn you aren't dramatic. You feel like all of us we just want support from our families. In your case I would suggest counseling for both of you. Reason I say that is she is going to need a safe space to vent as you assert your coming out more to her. I am not married myself right now, but my ex is very supportive and we have become closer. I told my young kids as well. they are getting used to it. My parents and immediate family are struggling with it. Ultimately I feel it's my life and I need to be happy, it's not about those around me. At some point you will have to approach her and explain it all. There are many on here that stayed married to their spouses. So it is very possible to keep your unit. I am glad to see another 80's child finding herself. I would also google how to come out to spouses so that you get a good idea on what to expect and how you can do it in a less combative matter. I hope that you can find your answers here and keep what you have!!!!! Good luck!!!!! Welcome!!!!

Welcome, Autumn.  Congratulations on realizing who you are and on starting to come out to your wife.  That part of the journey is hard, and the best advice I can give you is to listen to Annushka and take it slowly. 

I got lucky in the spouse lottery; my wife accepted my transition right from the beginning.  Your situation is more common, where there is some reluctance.  Remember that whatever changes you go through, you will have had more time to adjust to them than your wife will.  She has to transition with you.

My wife semi-jokingly says there should be support groups for "LBMs": lesbians by marriage, those who thought they were heterosexual women until their spouse transitioned.  There is some truth to that perception.  It comes as a shock to them.

Good luck on your journey!

Quote from: KathyLauren on November 22, 2017, 07:39:18 AM
My wife semi-jokingly says there should be support groups for "LBMs": lesbians by marriage, those who thought they were heterosexual women until their spouse transitioned.

hehe... this is indeed funny, but a LOVABLE idea! I'm sure our wives could find some comfort through this LBM group!  ;)

By the way, you really have a treasure beside you, Kathy!!
Is she here on Susans?? I have to give her applauses and thumbs up!  :eusa_clap:

Quote from: Annushka on November 22, 2017, 12:36:59 PM
By the way, you really have a treasure beside you, Kathy!!
Is she here on Susans?? I have to give her applauses and thumbs up!  :eusa_clap:

Oh, believe me, I know it! 

She knows about Susan's and occasionally lurks here.  I don't think she is a member.  She likes attending the +1 (partners welcome) meetings of the support group and has contact information for other partners in the group.  Support is just as important for our partners as it is for us.

Thank you all for your support and kind words!  Such a sweet and inspiring bunch of ladies here!  Hopefully, my wife will want to continue on with me, and I think that will be my biggest point of friction, for now...

Also I'm in the US, and I would definitely like to go to counseling when my wife feels ready.  For now I'll do my best to be patient and understanding of her feelings, and hopefully in time things will progress in a positive direction and we can both be happy.  I will surely continue visiting, updating and show my support for others.  Have a fantastic holiday weekend for those who celebrate!

-Autumn