I live with and am very very close with my roommate, we are like family and several hours a day together. He met me knowing that I'm transitioning mtf. I've been on hormones for a year. We've known each other for 7 months and lived together for 4mos. I don't even look masculine, I have medium length hair and look like a lesbian, my face looks feminine and I'm only 5'5. He gets the pronoun right about 60-80% of the time. Each time I correct him and tell him it hurts me and to please use the right pronouns. For the past few days at least once a day, usually 2, he has referred to me as "he" and "him". Each time it happens and I correct him, shortly after, I go to my room for the rest of the night and feel distraught and upset but it doesn't seem to impact him. He's a good friend in other ways and does a lot for me and cares about me but he can't seem to see me as a female so he keeps making those slips. He said when I dress more female it will be easier and that it will probably happen a lot until I dress more feminine. Each time I get over it within a day and we go back to being close and I forget about it but when it happens again I just distance myself until I'm over it. Even though we are very close, I think I need to drop him as a friend, even if it means I might be homeless or without support, but I'm tired of being hurt.
Quote from: bree111 on November 21, 2017, 10:45:44 PM
I live with and am very very close with my roommate, we are like family and several hours a day together. He met me knowing that I'm transitioning mtf. I've been on hormones for a year. We've known each other for 7 months and lived together for 4mos. I don't even look masculine, I have medium length hair and look like a lesbian, my face looks feminine and I'm only 5'5. He gets the pronoun right about 60-80% of the time. Each time I correct him and tell him it hurts me and to please use the right pronouns. For the past few days at least once a day, usually 2, he has referred to me as "he" and "him". Each time it happens and I correct him, shortly after, I go to my room for the rest of the night and feel distraught and upset but it doesn't; seem to impact him. He's a good friend in other ways and does a lot for me and cares about me but he can't seem to see me as a female so he keeps making those slips. He said when I dress more female it will be easier and that it will probably happen a lot until I dress more feminine. Each time I get over it within a day and we go back to being close and I forget about it but when it happens again I just distance myself until I'm over it. Even though we are very close, I think I need to drop him as a friend, even if it means I might be homeless or without support, but I'm tired of being hurt.
At least hes making an effort, but do what you think is best, and if thats homelessness, so be it. There are some problems you can run from......people being one of them
Is he doing it on purpose or is it an honest mistake(and he's just perhaps not that bright)?
My wife was having problems remembering, so I instituted "click" training. Every time she misgendered or deadnamed me, I'd discretely smile and snap my fingers. It was just a quiet, non-judgmental reminder, and it works very well without hurting anyone's feelings, including your own. If your friend is doing it accidentally, I'd let him know what you're doing and why, and give it a try. And if it is truly not on purpose, please don't take it to heart. I let the same thing get to me a few weeks ago, and realized afterward that taking it personally was doing no one any good. It sounds like your friend is very accepting and supportive, so think deeply about it before you throw that away.
Good luck!
Steph
He seems like one of those jerks that thinks all women should be ultra-femme, and anyone that fails to live up to his expectations ... must be a dude. Girl, you need some new friends!
He's not doing it on purpose but he said when I dress like a guy (meaning not very femme) he sees me as guy, he said maybe if I call you by gender neutral pronouns it will be easier and I said no just call me by female pronouns and he keeps saying he's trying hard to, it's not on purpose, etc but it hurts because he sees me as a guy still, even though he says he doesnt, it means he hasnt thought about me on a deep enough level to understand me and process it, like he's in denial until it's physically impossible to see any masculinity in me. if he were to think about me or recall a memory with me, he deep down probably associates me with being male, whether he realizes it or not. I told him if he were empathetic, he would have at some point thought about me in his free time and found it interesting or wondered how it feels, etc. If you met michael jackson after his skin turned white and didn't know his skin was black before and he told you he was black, your mind wouldn't question it, even if he didn't come across as how you perceive a stereotypical african american to look or act, your mind wouldn't second guess it, you would process it and at some point probably think "wow, i wonder what that was like" to go through, etc but it seems like his mind never fully digested the idea that I am female, he needs to see me look like a total femme cisgender woman because his mind processes me as a woman. He says he loves me, not romantically but like family and he's helped me and even gave me courage to dress feminine more often and said I'm ready to and that I do look female enough to, but it's just unfortunate that most of the time we are together we are home and i don't the most feminine voice, don't wear makeup at home, dont do very "girly things" and appear very gender neutral and he said when he sees someone that looks gender neutral in his mind he automatically considers them a guy
Misgendering is the gift that keeps on giving. You will never be completely past it.
You need to keep firm pressure on him to use the right pronouns, but throwing away an otherwise positive relationship doesn't make sense to me.
Nevertheless, you do you.
Quote from: bree111 on November 22, 2017, 01:39:05 AM
He's not doing it on purpose but he said when I dress like a guy (meaning not very femme) he sees me as guy, he said maybe if I call you by gender neutral pronouns it will be easier and I said no just call me by female pronouns and he keeps saying he's trying hard to, it's not on purpose, etc but it hurts because he sees me as a guy still, even though he says he doesnt, it means he hasnt thought about me on a deep enough level to understand me and process it, like he's in denial until it's physically impossible to see any masculinity in me. if he were to think about me or recall a memory with me, he deep down probably associates me with being male, whether he realizes it or not. I told him if he were empathetic, he would have at some point thought about me in his free time and found it interesting or wondered how it feels, etc. If you met michael jackson after his skin turned white and didn't know his skin was black before and he told you he was black, your mind wouldn't question it, even if he didn't come across as how you perceive a stereotypical african american to look or act, your mind wouldn't second guess it, you would process it and at some point probably think "wow, i wonder what that was like" to go through, etc but it seems like his mind never fully digested the idea that I am female, he needs to see me look like a total femme cisgender woman because his mind processes me as a woman. He says he loves me, not romantically but like family and he's helped me and even gave me courage to dress feminine more often and said I'm ready to and that I do look female enough to, but it's just unfortunate that most of the time we are together we are home and i don't the most feminine voice, don't wear makeup at home, dont do very "girly things" and appear very gender neutral and he said when he sees someone that looks gender neutral in his mind he automatically considers them a guy
the uncomfortable truth here is that we have no say over how others see us. I pass a good portion of the time, and almost all the time when I coordinaete an outfit that is fly and do my make up well. But some people just have an armour piercing stare, a small percentage no matter what I do will "clock" me and misgender me either through being rude or just ignorant of trans issues.
I feel for you....I think we all do
only you can decide how to proceed
Quote from: rmaddy on November 22, 2017, 02:42:51 AM
You need to keep firm pressure on him to use the right pronouns, but throwing away an otherwise positive relationship doesn't make sense to me.
^^ This.
Unfortunately, as for him being empathetic, that is a much taller order than you'd think it would be. The truth is that it is very hard for people to truly understand how something makes another feel when it is an issue they've never considered even once. It doesn't mean he doesn't care, it just means he may not be able to truly understand.
I developed a humorous habit of speaking in the third person most of the time around particularly 'forgetful' individuals. It slowly worked out of habit. People (sheeple) tend to repeat what they hear.
Even talking with people whove known me since childhood I begin stories reminiscing like; 'Remember when I was just a little girl and..' and people just go along with it because nobody wants to embarass themselves. (Yes most are worried about embarassing themselves more than embarassing us. That doesnt necessarily make them bad people, its perspective. Everyone hates to be embarassed and the conscience tends to put all others second. The though IS still there though.)
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Thanks. I think I'm just going to spend much less time with him. I'm happier being by myself anyway. I'm more used to it. It was fun to spend time with someone else and share experiences and talk, etc but if it's going to result in me consistently being hurt, then I'd rather limit myself. I don't like him as much anyway after him constantly making that mistake. It makes it harder to let my guard down and joke around as much and be looser and myself around him after he does that, it makes me awkward and uptight around him, so it works out.
Bree,
I'm not going to make an excuse for your roommate but, I'm embarrassed to say, I screw up pronouns with friends more than I care to admit. It pisses me off as much, or more, than them. Please don't take it personally.
For me friends are not worth losing over a slip.
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My ex-wife misgenders me and uses my dead name. She will be making settlement on a condo and moving out soon . There is no use getting in an argument or feeling bad about a jerk. I do not know why she thinks it is acceptable and maybe it is her way of hurting me.
At work I excuse coworkers because it would be bad for me to be "rigid", as stated to me by my supervisor.
Vendors somehow get it right all the time. I wonder why?
If it bothers you I would make a plan so you could change residence and not be homeless
I know when I was first expressing and changing my name I was much more sensitive to mis gendering than I am now. Now I just gently correct. I use to get upset but now I do not. I guess time gave me the ability to not get hurt.
Quote from: rmaddy on November 22, 2017, 02:42:51 AM
Misgendering is the gift that keeps on giving. You will never be completely past it.
You need to keep firm pressure on him to use the right pronouns, but throwing away an otherwise positive relationship doesn't make sense to me.
I agree with this.