I'll just warn now - this is kind of a rambling brain dump. I've just been in a bit of a funk about being Sarah, and wanted to vent a little.
So I've been seeing my therapist for just over a month now, and she's been fantastic. She's helped me get my head around a lot of things, and has asked me questions (which means finding answers!) for questions that have really made me think. I've felt like I've made a fair amount of progress, and I've felt really positive, leaving each appointment feeling like I was getting somewhere - learning more and discovering myself.
It was last appointment that I gathered the courage to go as Sarah. My appointments are mid work day, so I've been going as Dave, but knew that I wanted to make a point of going as Sarah eventually. It was one of those things that I felt was important for me, and when the opportunity came (my appointment time shifted, which made it easier to get dressed first) I took it. Again, it was a fantastic experience, full of nerves at first, but feeling completely normal and natural by the end. Among other things, we discussed a lot of the practicalities of transitioning, and she had me thinking about a lot of the reasons and excuses I'd made as to why I didn't think I could - and had me feeling very positive about myself. But it was at the end, and getting back into my car, that something really hit me. I didn't want to change back to Dave. I had to head back to work (where I'm not out yet), which meant de-Sarahing, and that realization just hurt. I just sat there for a few minutes looking into the mirror, before I could convince myself to go get changed.
For the following week, I found myself kind of dwelling on that moment - going in her office dressed and the nerves, followed by how wonderful it felt to lose those nerves, and just feel naturally Sarah. I had taken that boots picture half jokingly (in response to a Facebook thing about the best part of winter - cute boots), but I kept looking at it. Not just for the boots, but for all that it represented - me, as Sarah, feeling like I looked good, and feeling good, and then that feeling of loss that I had when I had to change back.
I decided that I'd go ahead and plan on dressing for my next appointment, maybe even all of my appointments going forward, because it just felt so right. But that next appointment (which would have been yesterday) had to be canceled, and I was heartbroken. I had pulled aside something to wear - basic jeans, boots, sweater - and was really looking forward to being able to Sarah for a couple hours. And when my therapist had to cancel, I found myself feeling that same sense of loss that I did when I needed to change back to Dave the week before. I ended up going home from work early, just to spend an hour as Sarah before I had other things I needed to do.
But that realization - that sense of loss - that hit me as a ton of bricks. For a long time I was trying to convince myself that I'd be happy with a "half transition" - that for the sake of my wife (who is supportive, but doesn't want to lose Dave) and to try and mitigate career complications. But having that experience at my therapist's office (who has to be supportive, or she's a bad therapist ;D ), there was a certain sort of feeling that just felt so right, and I've missed it. It was the first time I was out as Sarah without friends or family, and was the first time I was interacting with someone on such a personal level as Sarah - and I don't think I was prepared for how right it all felt. It's really made me question what I thought I knew, and made me doubt that anything other than full transition would work for me. And with that comes the flood - the guilt to my wife as she loses Dave, the panic and stress of the possible work repercussions, and just all the complications and unknowns.
I ended up talking with my wife some last night - about feeling like I want to be more Sarah and that I'm scared of it, and she was reassuring to me about being who I am, but I'm still afraid it's going to hurt her too much. We actually kinda chuckled - I told her that I was afraid that I'd become Sarah and she'd leave me, and she's afraid that once I'm Sarah I won't need her - so it's kinda ironic that the thing we're both most afraid of is losing the other. But the whole idea of transitioning is full of so many unknowns and variables - we're both scared as hell.
So I dunno. I mean I guess this is all part of the dysphoria, and part of the process. And I guess I knew that it was going to be complicated, and full of emotions and unknowns. That doesn't make it any easier to go through.
Thanks for the friendly ears.
Sarah
I completely get it, Sarah. Devolving to Steve was terribly dysphoria-inducing for me. So after five months I just stopped doing it. Everyone's situation is different, and it worked for me. You'll have to work out with your wife when, or even if, you should do it yourself.
As for the family situation, most of us with loving wives have been there. If you haven't already, I suggest you take your wife along to your next appointment if your therapist doesn't mind. She should welcome the opportunity to see first-hand the interaction between you two.
Best of luck, and stay positive!
Steph
Nothing in there sounds out of the norm to me. Keep slowly working on Sarah and it'll all come together as it should.
What I've realized, for myself, in wearing my womens clothes .. I can't wait to wear them, don't want to take them off, or, take them off to change into something else. I don't mind any of my male clothes. I like the pants and shirts (underwear and socks are gone, blech) but I don't want to wear them. It led me to thinking about it. It's the newness. I do the same thing when I buy anything new, guitar, amp, or other item. Newness makes me want to use them more, time settles it into normal use.
At some point I'll accept both equally or I won't have any mens clothes. Will I always be halfway or will I embrace the woman? Time will tell.
That was my experience exactly which spurred me to quicker action towards transition. I started to really resent changing out of my female clothes. Then when I went to therapy dressed as me, it was amazing. I was so much happier and more relaxed. I now do all of my appointments dressed female, and I look forward to each and every session.
The funniest part is this... When I first dressed for an appointment, I was extremely embarrassed. Well, before my last appointment I was in a hurry and wasn't sure I had time to shave/do makeup/etc. But the thought of going to the appointment in male mode? That was way more embarrassing! Somehow, it did a complete 180 on me.
what exactly do you consider to be a "half transition"?
Quote from: extraaction on November 22, 2017, 10:06:53 AM
what exactly do you consider to be a "half transition"?
It isn't "exactly" defined... more than none but less than all? ;D
But to put a definer on it, I'd probably go with being Sarah about half of non-work time, so half of evenings and weekends. But maybe a better definition would be the amount of effort that goes into presenting one way or the other - that being "half transition" would mean having feminine traits I need to minimize to look male, but male traits that I'd need to minimize to look female.
As it stands, I'm maybe 10% - I'm Sarah for the occasional evening, and the very rare night out/special event. I keep some "feminine" habits - my finger nails are long, I shave my legs, my toes are generally painted, I do have pierced ears, I keep my face clean shaven, and I wear some subtly rainbow jewelry - but I keep a male hair cut and such. Without some effort - wig, makeup, breast forms, etc - I look mostly male.
And with that in mind, I'd peg "half transition" as the same, except maybe with small breasts that can be emphasized with a good bra or downplayed with a baggy shirt, or a haircut that can be styled feminine or pulled back into an acceptably 'male' ponytail.
Although to be honest, I'm probably fooling myself with that "having my cake and eating it too" idea, and I think I'm coming to that realization. What I'm still coming to terms with is all the complications that go with that.
okay...I thought maybe you wanted to only do low dose hormones, grow breasts, but not get surgery or some permutation of getting some things done but not others, or it could have meant what you just said. I was just trying to under stand better. Thanks.
I've heard of it working, but it sounds hard. It's a brave undertaking. Stay strong
The idea of low dose hormones has crossed my mind - the whole "enough to make a difference but not too much of a difference". But I think if I'm realistic about it, that's more of a step in the process of fully transitioning, and not an end goal.
But again, I'm still trying to understand better. For the longest time the idea of transitioning was fantasy land, which meant I could dream of stuff like being able to "half transition" and it just worked, it was only a dream after all. But now that I'm looking at the reality of it, I'm realizing it's not that simple. Although honestly, I'm not sure that I want it that simple - I think it made a good fantasy, but a bad reality.
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Sarah Your post had me in tears not in a bad way but it really hit close to home About 2 weeks ago I needed to go to the store in my home town of about 500 people where I am not out yet so i needed to change I sat there for over half an hour looking at my t-shirt and jeans unable to put them on I almost missed the store as a result it has been better since but I am dreading returning to work after being off for at least 6 weeks due to a non trans related surgery When I first decided to transition I thought I could wait until I retire to go full time [lol] another 7 1/2 years now I doubt I will be able to do it until next summer My wife is very concerned about this I am not worried about my job as in Canada we now have full protection but my wife is worried about the communities reaction I wish you the best in this difficult time
bobbisue :)
considering you've put yourself on such a short leash (for completly unselfish reasons) there still may be some things you can do. If you are interested in low dose hormones but also leery, you could try to manipulate your body into a desireable endocrine response without taking pills
Dietary changes could give you a shift in hormones that could alleviate dysphoria potentially.
such as green and black teas are highly antiandrogeic, preventing the conversion of a lot of testosterone into dihydrotestosterone, a much more potent form. Turmeric can downregulate androgen receptors....
certain herbs contain phytoestrogens that can stimulate estrogen receptors. some are really weak phytoestrogens like soy isoflavones, other phytoestrogens like miroestrol and deoxymiroestrol can rival human estrogen. Flax seed would be a great middle ground option, far less potent than human estrogen but relatively strong for a phytoestrogen...
there are other options too. if you are interested just ask for more info and I'll pull out my research notebook
I've definitely considered the diet/herbal approach, but when I started looking into it, it was clear that there was a lot of junk out there. I resigned myself to the idea that the best bet would be to get my doctor involved.
That being said, I'm not opposed to trying something based on diet. If eating a tablespoon of flax seed oil daily will help get me towards a feminine shape, sign me up!
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Quote from: Phoenix1742 on November 22, 2017, 01:22:40 PM
I've definitely considered the diet/herbal approach, but when I started looking into it, it was clear that there was a lot of junk out there. I resigned myself to the idea that the best bet would be to get my doctor involved.
That being said, I'm not opposed to trying something based on diet. If eating a tablespoon of flax seed oil daily will help get me towards a feminine shape, sign me up!
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Flax oil wont do it....you want ground seed :D
I would welcome that information myself, if you don't mind sharing?
Thanks