My girlfriend and I (but mostly her) have decided to take a break in our relationship, mostly so I can figure out if I can live life happily as a male, which is my current physical gender. She is straight, unfortunately... We've never met, but have exchanged nearly 30,000 messages in 3 months!
Everyone keeps saying that dysphoria is unfightable and that one really shouldn't run away from it because it'll always catch up eventually, but is that really true? I thought only a minority of transgender people actually seek treatment...
I started experiencing rather intense discomfort about my physical sex some two years ago when I was 16, but it's always just a large amount of envy and the feeling of being inferior to females - I rarely feel like I am a girl trapped in the wrong body, though I often believe I could live life as a woman if I transition. If I transition, it will have to be the whole package though since most of my dysphoria is centered around physical issues. I want to be able to tell her that, with her, if she turns out to be the love of my life, I can live happily as her boyfriend and later husband. I have a lot of time to figure this out but can't see a therapist until a go to college next year... I'm also wondering if meeting her might help me make this decision...
Hi, Laura!
Welcome to Susan's. Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) to tell the members about yourself.
I don't know of anyone who has successfully fought dysphoria and won. There are people who learn to live with their dysphoria and manage it without transitioning.
The "woman trapped in a man's body" myth doesn't apply to all or even most trans women. It's just a meme that the media like to use. In reality, a subtle dissatisfaction with one's body, or an envy of the opposite sex is a much more common manifestation.
I would be really cautious about getting into a serious relationship before you have worked out where you want this to go. For that reason, I would recommend seeing a therapist as soon as you are able to.
Here is some information that we like to share with new members:
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
Agreed with Kathy!!!! It is something that is very hard to fight. Help from a counselor or psychologist helps a lot with gd. Now you will have to decide whether to cope with your gd or do something about it. I have found in my life that yes it comes back and typically comes back with vengeance. I have ignored most of my adult life and it made things very hard. Sent me into depression that I did not recognize. Get you some help and see what happens.
I can only give you advice from my personal experience. I knew I was trans and I fought and repressed the trans beast at best I could. Occasionally I would win and I would have months or a year without a thought of it. Then afterwards the beast would come back stronger, sometimes in a different way and it would win. The internal struggle left me a shell, unable to relate to people, uncaring, and often angry. What I finally realized the way to win was not to fight it at all. I'm really just fighting myself, anyway. That has lessened it dramatically. I still get gd but I remind myself that I am transitioning and that helps it go away. I have certain triggers that still get to me, and probably always will. That's okay though. My inner peace from not fighting anymore is profound.
Meeting might help for you and your girlfriend. It might make things worse too. I suggest finding a local trans support group to attend. Tell them you are questioning yourself and need to hear from others. A therapist would be best, but yes waiting for college I get. On the plus side of all this, you are super young. Don't feel you have to decide quickly. My favorite phrase, omnea tempus en mundi, all the time in the world. You've got it.
Bari Jo
I would say in my own case it's been only temporarily contestable.
But I do know a person who says he had gender dysphoria for several years, before finally accepting himself as a feminine man. He seemed quite content, last time I spoke to him, about the state of being a feminine man. Had some kind of hormone issue in his youth that rendered him very slim, tall and delicate-looking, with a very female mindset/outlook and a sexual preference for men. I figured he was able to accept his maleness in part because he was free to live the lifestyle he wanted. He seemed particularly wrapped up in the idea of not being a man due to childhood abuse at the hands of men, I think.
I'm not sure he was actually trans, and a trans person who "overcame" dysphoria. But he did relate a period of time in life when he was seriously in the belief that he was, and was considering transition, but eventually found he did not "need" it.
You can fight it and win the battles but it wears you down mentally and eventually there is no fight left and it ultimately wins the war. That doesn't mean you'll have to surrender and transition though. You can simply choose to live under its rule until your time is finished. For most of us here though we found the cost of doing that too high as continuing as a slave to dysphoria warps your mind. For me personally it led to chronic depression, suicidal ideation, extreme cynicism, a very bad temper and disposition, and generally just made me hate life. What I've done so far to address the core issue has mostly eliminated those problems.
In the meantime, if you want to try and beat it, find something that occupies your attention absolutely. For me at one time that was running. It did hold the beast at bay for a long time but eventually so much running was required that I broke my body and had to stop. So even that was only a stopgap and not a long term cure.
Maybe you can be the exception, but while I've spoken to people who have chosen to do nothing I have never found a single one that didn't continue suffering with some or all of those things I described above.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I'm fight with Gender Dysphoria for a long time. Until I talk to my Therapist about my GD and she told me I had to deal with it to be happy otherwise I will miserable for the rest of my life. So she suggested since I already acknowledge my transgender I should be who I am. Since I want to be a woman for so long she will let me begin my Hormones Replacement soon. This is the best decision I made in my life, and I am grateful for my Therapist support. Happy Thanksgiving.
Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk
People often do fight it but resolving gender dysphoria is one of the things necessary for complete mental and physical health. For some trans people, transitioning and SRS are absolutely necessary for mental and physical health.
Even those people, though, do not always transition even if there is no physical or financial obstacle. I think that it is because other factors are also necessary for complete mental and physical health, such as the love and support of one's family. Sometimes there is a trade off that is distressing to read about, let alone experience.
Although there are cases of spouses supporting partners who transition, I think that it would be best to be sure of how you want to live before becoming a spouse or parent. Kathy's suggestion of seeing a therapist is good if it is feasible for you.
I fought for years and didn't even know what I was fighting, I had it buried so deep. I got more and more depressed, angry, short-tempered. Now that I've admitted to myself and started doing something about it I feel so much better and happier. I look forward to each day.
If you already admit it to yourself, then I recommend not fighting it. It's not worth it in the long run. In my opinion.
My story is similar to Faith's. For most of my life something was causing me to become frustrated, which would typically lead me to lashing out in anger at inanimate objects or raising my voice against my family. It wasn't until I read many of the introduction posts on Susan's and recognized the similarities to my own life that I realized what I had been hiding all of these years. Since accepting the situation and starting HRT my attitude has completely turned around. I am calmer. I smile a lot more, sometimes for no reason. I am nicer to everyone around me. I experience emotions other than anger, and they are awesome!
As Mary T said there is a trade off. I expect I will lose some people I had considered friends, and maybe even a few family members. In my case I have decided the benefits of transitioning outweigh the costs, but only you can make that decision.
I am the same. I fought by trying to develop my inner Conan the Barbarian. I had to keep feeding Conan cause he always had to fight. This became tiring to keep up and I experienced the anger, etc. that the others here experienced. There are very few who can refuse trans feelings and feel normal. Usually, they don't have strong trans feelings, or they have some sort of internal fortitude that I don't have, or they become alcoholics, etc.
And I agree, you should meet this girl. They say 80% of communication is non-verbal. Maybe she'll stick around as you contemplate the answer to your question.
I fought the dysphoria until I was 53 years old—-and then I lost. It was either transition or lose my career and my sanity and maybe my life to what had been an 11 year run of anxiety related physical illnesses and massive, debilitating panic attacks.
If you don't deal with this, then any marriage you enter isn't for life. It is for until you decide that you can no longer live with the dysphoria. I was one very tough guy. I was a semi professional bicycle racer in my twenties. I was on an NCAA jiujitsu team. I raced auto cross. In my thirties I graduated to drivng Lamborghinis on road race courses. I was, and still am, a successful trial attorney. But I was not tougher than the girl I really was, deep inside.
It sounds like you want to try living life as a man in order to hang on to a girl you've never met. I had a much better and more compelling reason than that—I had to survive the 1970's, 80's and 90's as a man in order to avoid being beaten to death.
Trying to meet a girl you have already come out to and convince her you can make it as a man is a recipe for disaster. Get gender therapy first and put the girlfriend thing on hold for later.
Quote from: Laura M. J. on November 23, 2017, 08:13:34 AM
I want to be able to tell her that, with her, if she turns out to be the love of my life, I can live happily as her boyfriend and later husband.
I'd also add a note of caution: Don't make a promise you aren't absolutely sure you can keep. I am speaking a bit out of turn on this as I have never been married, but many people here have stories that include years or decades of otherwise great marriages, believing that their relationships will be enough to win out over the dysphoria, only for it to turn out not to be--which will impact your SO just as much as it will you. Just be very careful with your commitments in the short term, lest they come back to bite you or someone you love in the end.
It can be fought for some time.
I maybe could even fight it for the rest of my life, though a large part of how I fought it was alcohol, and I was getting to a point I wasn't going to live much longer.
She isn't the only girl in the world, and if she is heterosexual, she is probably not a good match for you, even though certain things about her are. There are some women that are accepting of trans women, why not go after one of those instead?
I've read lots of stories of people here that tried to do what you are suggesting, and most of them did not end well...
Hi Laura, i was fighting a basically unknown enemy for years, throwing myself into all sorts of obsessions, I knew I was running from something related to gender or sexuality from the age of 23, before that really but that was the first time I said to myself " I'll deal with whatever it is later". I was a fanatical musician, surfer, diver, runner, cyclist, Land Rover restorer... and a few other things... oh and I ran from England to Australia to live thinking that I could get away. I'm 46 now, I was caught, I personally couldn't run anymore I was wounded by it , only option turn and face. I'm transitioning, I'm happy now, naturally without trying to be. My friends are the best and I consider myself lucky. Things may go wrong, or not , for me personally. I'm hoping for the "or not" and that for me is now and only now a possibility.
I'm sorry for the fight you have, no one can guide you other than by their own experiences, dysphoria is real and can be deadly. Being on here has helped me massively, ask questions, read posts, spend time discovering. There have been some light hearted posts too which can make one smile.
Siobhan x
So, I've been around the block a time or two (makes me sound old but you can get a lot done in 27 years) and personally, fighting has only made things worse. I got married and started a family with someone so I could prove I was a man. It didn't work. Now I have to fight tooth and nail to legitimize myself as a parent in court because I've decided to transition.
I can't tell you for sure that you can't beat dysphoria. What I can tell you though is that 3 months, regardless of how many messages you've exchanged, is not enough to base such a large decision on. I would tell anyone the same if they told me they wanted to make a life altering decision after just 3 months; cis/trans, gay/straight, old/young. It takes me longer than that just to decide what curtains I want in the living room (I've lived in my house for 2 years and still haven't decided on a set I really like) I knew my ex wife for 11 years before we got married and she still left me in the drop of a hat. Could you deal with the thought of losing her if in 1, 5, or 10 years you decide transition is what you want? You can't fault her being straight, it's who she is; but you also can't deny who you are if you decide you're trans. It's not fair to either of you.
Not a lot to say that hasn't already been said, aside from perhaps a bit of 'I was in your position at your age'. You can't fight dysphoria. Some trans folk are able to make peace with it, but it's not something you can chase away for good. Figure out for yourself what you want, and keep your priorities clear: your own happiness with your body comes before your relationship, especially at 18.
And, not to denigrate young romance, but... if you're on a break at 18, and she's heterosexual, I'm sorry to say that this probably isn't going to be a 'love of your life' type situation. That doesn't preclude the possibility of things ending amicably between you two, of course, but keep your priorities straight, and don't suffer to prolong a relationship, because that only leads to bitterness.