I want to start this thread apologizing for being such a drama llama. I really don't like to do that, I prefer to fit in and not cause waves. This forum has allowed me to bring up issues and work through them which is it's own unique kind of therapy. With that I'm bringing up another one that is stressing me out now and has for a long time.
I came out to my dad earlier this week, and it seems like he 'might' be supportive. Time will tell, it's too soon. However, this weekend my mom is coming in for our own Thanksgiving. I plan on coming out to her too which I think will go fine. The part that's giving me stress is they are divorced and I've always held it deep inside that my being trans was one of the reasons for their divorce. They never once brought that up, instead did the usual how its not the kids fault, etc. When all these problems manifested at least in my eye, was when I was having the most trouble with dysphoria growing up. It's when I learned to put up a facade and repress.
Now they want to meet together this weekend. I'm dreading it and looking forward to it. I feel the need to bring it up to them, but am terrified I may be correct too. Therapy and personal healing is a b!$ch.
Bari Jo
Their separation was not your fault. As a (soon to be) divorced parent, I can reassure you of that.
It sounds like you're confident of your mum's support, which is great. With her and your sister you're already in a great place; count up the positives and you're rich already!
Families and their dynamics are complex, but love can take you all a long way. Best of luck for the w/e, I'm here if you need. X
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Bari Jo!!!
I really think you are barking up the wrong tree on this line of thinking here sister!!! We often take the unknowns in a situation and insert our deepest fears into the blanks and I think that might be what you are doing here!...
All will be well my friend... Marriages are subject to ever shifting dynamics, pressures and variables and don't always endure but I am quite sure that they both love you and that fact will endure!
Be gentle with yourself and gentle with them as they adapt to your new path!
Onward we go brave sister!!!
Ashley 😀
The "usual how it's not he kids fault" is usual because it's true! It's a common dynamic. Children tend to blame themselves when things go wrong, but your parents are adults, and their relationship was their responsibility, not yours. Often times, moving on is best because it's time to move on. Marriage shouldn't be an endurance contest, and people grow and change in ways that sometimes cause them to diverge. This can be traumatic for children, because they may rely on the marriage as foundational to their world view, but it serves no one to hold that a marriage that ends is a failure. Its success or failure must be judged on what occurred, what was learned, what was accomplished.
My wife and I once took a taxi and we start chatting with the driver. He happened to mention that he'd been married for almost 40 years, or some such thing, and we did the standard "congratulations!" spiel. The bile that he proceeded to spew about his wife, what he felt about her, and how miserable he was left us speechless. THAT was a failed marriage!
Mikaela...Wise words from a good perspective sister!!!
Onward we go...
Ashley 😀❤️🌻
I'll bring up this stuff with my mom, but I'll word it in a way that it fed my suppression, not that I was the blame for their marriage. This will be a fun weekend.
Bari Jo
Quote from: Bari Jo on November 29, 2017, 01:28:34 PM
I'll bring up this stuff with my mom, but I'll word it in a way that it fed my suppression, not that I was the blame for their marriage. This will be a fun weekend.
Bari Jo
Or you could just leave it alone. There's little to be gained from picking at this, especially when you are likely on the wrong track.. Your parents are the reason they divorced - not you or your being trans.
When life gives you llamas make a sweater. :P
Good luck with the Fam!
This sounds like a bit of a let's bridge the gap meeting. Don't let anyone drink too much and it wil be fine!
Quote from: kelly_aus on November 30, 2017, 01:18:37 PM
Quote from: Bari Jo on November 29, 2017, 01:28:34 PM
I'll bring up this stuff with my mom, but I'll word it in a way that it fed my suppression, not that I was the blame for their marriage. This will be a fun weekend.
Bari Jo
Or you could just leave it alone. There's little to be gained from picking at this, especially when you are likely on the wrong track.. Your parents are the reason they divorced - not you or your being trans.
I have to agree with Kelly.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on November 30, 2017, 02:40:15 PM
Or you could just leave it alone. There's little to be gained from picking at this, especially when you are likely on the wrong track.. Your parents are the reason they divorced - not you or your being trans.
I have to agree with Kelly.
I'll leave it alone. More for me to work through. Sheesh, I didn't realize I had all this baggage till I start confronting my history.
Bari Jo
Quote from: Bari Jo on November 30, 2017, 04:37:58 PM
I'll leave it alone. More for me to work through. Sheesh, I didn't realize I had all this baggage till I start confronting my history.
Bari Jo
Hey Little Sister!
In the end, we only have the baggage we choose to bring... Allow yourself to let go of the things that weigh you down and don't serve a useful purpose in your journey.... You are building the foundation of a new life, finally your own ... Focus your energies on all the joys, challenges and discoveries that come with that!
All will be well ... Onward we go brave girl!!!
Ashley 😀❤️🌻
Quote from: Bari Jo on November 30, 2017, 04:37:58 PM
I'll leave it alone. More for me to work through. Sheesh, I didn't realize I had all this baggage till I start confronting my history.
Bari Jo
There's a reason I spent 3 years in therapy when I started my transition - it was to unload all of this crap from my past. Unload and move on.
Haha, I had steamer trunks I'm still unpacking! 3 years and counting...
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Same for me, my gender therapy sessions devolve into a free for all of pent up issues pretty quickly.
Also, can't believe I didn't see the thread you talked about your dad's response! So glad it seems to be okay. :)
I didn't bring it up. My mom was sad enough for me already. I'll explain in another thread.
Bari Jo