Hi everyone. My dad and I were talking and he asked me about kids. I told him I didn't want any. He said I might change my mind when I get older. That got me wondering. If Tristan and I did adopt kids one day how would being trans fit into having kids? Should I ever tell them I was trans? If so at what age? What if I didn't tell them and they found out later on? It wouldn't be the same as transitioning after you have kids. This child or children wouldn't ever know me as anything but their mother. I wonder how finding out would effect them. If I ever decide to adopt kids it won't be for a long time but I am really wondering about this now. What are your opinions about it?
Hi Julia - there are many ways of looking at this. In my opinion, honesty is usually the best way.
While I am not in the same situation you are, there is something which may help you. Our little princess was conceived with a lot of help. Due to medical reasons we had to use a donor egg. During the process we had to see a psychologist as a requirement by the fertility clinic. And we did discuss if we should tell her how she was conceived. The psychologist had some great advise: Tell her one week after she is born to practice. Tell her again once she speaks. And then tell her a third time when she knows how babies are made and keep going. She also suggested to point out "this is the place which helped mom and daddy have you" when passing the fertility clinic. This may be a way for you as well (depending which age you would adopt).
On the other side: I realized I am trans right around the time she was born. She only knows me as my real me (even tough she calls me "daddy") and I am far behind where you are. This means she will grow up absolutely knowing I am trans and pretty much having a mom and a dad in a dress. I am very worried about the way this will affect her, I am basically horrified of the day when she draws a picture of her family in kindergarten and get's asked why daddy is wearing a skirt. So in some sense it would be better if she would not know and I would be much further along in my transition (11 month in now, so I have years to go). All I read says it should not be a problem but I also know kids can be cruel. I may ask that we switch to a different (more gender neutral) term than daddy or papa, she is now 21 month and just starts to talk, so it would be a good time. This may make it easier for her in school later.
I joined a few groups for transgender parents and the overwhelming response was: It will be fines. kids are so much more accepting than you think
Kids can be exhausting at times but then you have all these great moments. When they keep running to you and give you a giant hug or you get a huge wet baby kiss, the smile when they see you and the unconditional love. I would never want to miss these positive feelings again. Having her has helped me recently not to jump of a bridge. She noticed I did not do well (at 20 month!!) and came for a few days to cuddle. I could never leave her alone :-) and we plan a second one...
How about starting a Journal or Diary about what's happening day to day in your life? Someday when she asks, hey Mom? You can sit down with her and look back at what was happening in your world. Like today you'd mention you were talking about this (her or him) and you can share and relive this time with them.....just a thought.
My situation isn't the same as yours, but i'll share anyway, maybe it will be of help. My wife and I told my son when he was 6. It went pretty well, kids are very accepting. Over the years (he's 11 now) he has had questions, and we have answered them honestly. I expect he will have more questions as he ages. We try to keep our relationship with him as one of love, trust, and openness, so that as time goes on and he's in his teen years, hopefully he will continue to come to us with questions or issues.
It will really get interesting when he get married and he brings his spouse into the conversation. It could be good, bad, or get ugly.
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I don't want any kids now, but there is the posibility that I might in the future. In any case, I think that I'll just tell my children the truth from the start. Kids understand things so easily... I've experienced this with my little brother who is 4yo. We just told him "your brother is going to be your sister from now on" and it was totally natural for him.
I've not had that choice with my kids, but I'm a believer in honesty, at a point they are able to understand it. I'm very open with my two (6 and 3), keeping things in terms they can relate to or understand.
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Julia as one that has kids mine range from 11 to 1. The 1 year old isn't technically mine but, I am claiming her as well. She doesn't know me any other way right now. Now my boys knew me by the old me and I just told them in October. I think your prodigy is different than family especially being young typically they are way more accepting and haven't been socialized to hate or dislike certain people. As I said I just told mine and they took it well and asked me questions. Questions most adults won't ask me. Like for instance "Dad are you growing boobs now?, do you like girls still?, and "Are you going to have babies now?" So they are so curious and I couldn't knock their questions. It was really cute. My opinion is this kids want to know their identity and where they come from and about their parents. So yes I would tell my kids. They will become your biggest ally at school and in public as they grow up. We need allies that understand us and our kids can be. Yours won't know you as your former gender but, share it with them be proud of who and what you are to your kids. If we can be open and honest to our kids then who can we be honest to? Kids are much less to judge their parents than say their friends. Your father maybe worried but don't be worried to tell any kids you adopt or have.
Quote from: Julia1996 on December 02, 2017, 08:26:08 PM
Hi everyone. My dad and I were talking and he asked me about kids. I told him I didn't want any. He said I might change my mind when I get older. That got me wondering. If Tristan and I did adopt kids one day how would being trans fit into having kids? Should I ever tell them I was trans? If so at what age? What if I didn't tell them and they found out later on? It wouldn't be the same as transitioning after you have kids. This child or children wouldn't ever know me as anything but their mother. I wonder how finding out would effect them. If I ever decide to adopt kids it won't be for a long time but I am really wondering about this now. What are your opinions about it?
You could leave a sperm bank before going on female hormones, to make child With a women. I Guess, the best way is to bo honest. And tell them the Whole situation. That you were a woman all the time. I am sure they will understand.
Quote from: jessica95 on December 03, 2017, 07:21:48 AM
You could leave a sperm bank before going on female hormones, to make child With a women. I Guess, the best way is to bo honest. And tell them the Whole situation. That you were a woman all the time. I am sure they will understand.
That's not an option. I've been on hrt over 2 years. I think my little swimmers are long dead by now. Even if they weren't I could never do that. The idea of going to a sperm bank makes me cringe. Your idea is a really good one though for someone who didn't have a problem doing that. If I ever decide to have kids adoption is fine with me.
Julia, being that these kids would only ever know you as their mom, I would likely wait until they are near teenage years. Unless you plan on being active in the LBGT community. Then just bring them up openly in the community. Really kind of depends on if you are living stealth or not and that to me would depend on the kind of community I live in.
Sorry, I can't say I have knowledge of this whatsoever since I don't have kids but this is a very interesting topic! (And something that has come to my mind too.)
Quote from: josie76 on December 03, 2017, 07:42:29 AM
Julia, being that these kids would only ever know you as their mom, I would likely wait until they are near teenage years.
I have to disagree with this! I would NOT wait until they are teens. Hearing something like that at that age might be a HUGE shock for kids. As others have stated the younger the kid, the more natural/okay they are with it! I have a personal experience with this: some relatives (kids) accepted me just fine as a guy. And their friends too. It was REALLY easy for them! [5-10 years old] One of their friends asked things like: "Are you a boy or a girl?" When I said I was a boy, she asked, "But you used to be a girl before, right?" You can't believe how easily young children take all this.
To them, it's a non-problem.
But I've contemplated this too - and watched some videos etc. And I don't personally think it's a good idea to 'reveal' this to an older child (10 years +). If you tell you're transgender to your say 15-year-old kid, they are most certainly going to feel like 'omg why didn't you tell me this before?!!! Why didn't you trust me with this information??' By that age they might have also developed some negative ideas about trans people... So it might come as a shock. 'OMG I didn't know my mom was AMAB!!!'
I think it's WAY better to be open about this since they are born. It doesn't have to be a huge issue. Like others have stated you can just be casual about it. Answer curious questions when they come up, otherwise just let it be. Young kids take that as a 'fact': 'okay, then. mommy was always a mommy but was born with boy parts' or something like that. But the older the kid, the more of an shock it will be to them. Guarantee! This isn't something you just 'tell' when they are 10, 12, 15 or 20! I think it's similar to adoption. It's a huge identity shock for people to learn at an older age they are adopted. 'Mom and dad have something to tell you. Actually, you were adopted.'
It's not about what the subject is (adoption, transgender, being gay) - it's more like you have concealed a huge part of yourself from them. To them, it can feel like you have been lying to them about something really important for their whole lives.
I think this is a hard topic. Like I said, has crossed my mind too! I understand that this isn't something you'd necessarily want them to know bcs you don't have to. But I def would advice against 'revealing' this later on. And it'd be shame to never tell them. After all, this is part of their mom's life & past - are you going to hide all photos of yourself from them in which you were a child? If you'd like to be stealth about this to your own kids, I'm sure it'd cause some hiding, holding back which might not be nice/healthy. [Plus remember they WILL find out at some point (some relative might tell them, for example) - the last being when you die. You can only imagine what kind of shock that's gonna be! When you are not there to discuss this with them anymore.]
But my personal opinion is that people sometimes assume older kids are more 'prepared' to take in some serious information - but the opposite is actually true!
Especially teens & young adults have been VERY devastated to hear their parents are transitioning bcs it's a time their own identity and how they fit into this world is developing. But before the age of six kids don't think it's NOTHING. That's a time they too pretend to be boys and girls and animals etc.
Best you tell as soon as they are born. Don't even wait until they are 8 or 10! Don't make it a 'thing'. Just tell about it from a curious point of view like about your previous life before having them in general.
Just my opinion!
Quote from: PurpleWolf on December 03, 2017, 08:22:33 AM
Sorry, I can't say I have knowledge of this whatsoever since I don't have kids but this is a very interesting topic! (And something that has come to my mind too.)
I have to disagree with this! I would NOT wait until they are teens. Hearing something like that at that age might be a HUGE shock for kids. As others have stated the younger the kid, the more natural/okay they are with it! I have a personal experience with this: some relatives (kids) accepted me just fine as a guy. And their friends too. It was REALLY easy for them! [5-10 years old] One of their friends asked things like: "Are you a boy or a girl?" When I said I was a boy, she asked, "But you used to be a girl before, right?" You can't believe how easily young children take all this.
To them, it's a non-problem.
But I've contemplated this too - and watched some videos etc. And I don't personally think it's a good idea to 'reveal' this to an older child (10 years +). If you tell you're transgender to your say 15-year-old kid, they are most certainly going to feel like 'omg why didn't you tell me this before?!!! Why didn't you trust me with this information??' By that age they might have also developed some negative ideas about trans people... So it might come as a shock. 'OMG I didn't know my mom was AMAB!!!'
I think it's WAY better to be open about this since they are born. It doesn't have to be a huge issue. Like others have stated you can just be casual about it. Answer curious questions when they come up, otherwise just let it be. Young kids take that as a 'fact': 'okay, then. mommy was always a mommy but was born with boy parts' or something like that. But the older the kid, the more of an shock it will be to them. Guarantee! This isn't something you just 'tell' when they are 10, 12, 15 or 20! I think it's similar to adoption. It's a huge identity shock for people to learn at an older age they are adopted. 'Mom and dad have something to tell you. Actually, you were adopted.'
It's not about what the subject is (adoption, transgender, being gay) - it's more like you have concealed a huge part of yourself from them. To them, it can feel like you have been lying to them about something really important for their whole lives.
I think this is a hard topic. Like I said, has crossed my mind too! I understand that this isn't something you'd necessarily want them to know bcs you don't have to. But I def would advice against 'revealing' this later on. And it'd be shame to never tell them. After all, this is part of their mom's life & past - are you going to hide all photos of yourself from them in which you were a child? If you'd like to be stealth about this to your own kids, I'm sure it'd cause some hiding, holding back which might not be nice/healthy.
But my personal opinion is that people sometimes assume older kids are more 'prepared' to take in some serious information - but the opposite is actually true!
Especially teens & young adults have been VERY devastated to hear their parents are transitioning bcs it's a time their own identity and how they fit into this world is developing. But before the age of six kids don't think it's NOTHING. That's a time they too pretend to be boys and girls and animals etc.
Best you tell as soon as they are born. Don't even wait until they are 8 or 10! Don't make it a 'thing'. Just tell about it from a curious point of view like about your previous life before having them in general.
Just my opinion!
I hadn't considered the adoption part of it. That's another thing to worry about having to tell future kids. I have thought about telling a child very young and after they are older. Both present problems. If I told them when they were very young I would run the risk of them outing me. Kids say all kinds of things. I could imagine a child telling someone " Mommy used to be a boy". That would be awful. Telling them later as teenagers could really freak them out. Especially a boy. By the teenage years he will have heard all about "->-bleeped-<-s" from other boys. And there's no guarantee a girl wouldn't react badly as well.
I intend to be stealth after SRS. I don't worry about pictures of me as a boy. When I was little I could have gone either way as far as looking like a boy or a girl. And in later photos I look like a girl. My mother once shoved a picture of me when I was 14 in my boyfriends face even though he said he didn't want to see it. He asked if I was supposed to be a boy in the picture and that I was even wearing makeup. He said I looked the same really only older. So pictures I don't worry about. I would really prefer just to never tell future kids I'm trans but that would be a trainwreck waiting to happen. No matter how careful I am they could still find out. Then they would be shocked and probably mad that I didn't tell them sooner.
This is just totally complicated. There just isn't any easy answer except to never adopt kids. I would be ok with that but I don't know if Tristan would. Sigh...dogs are so much easier.
Also remember that although you told them since they were born - they'd still only know you as their mother. Nothing would change that. And if they grew up with that information, that wouldn't change their perception of you as their 'mother' at all.
But exactly the opposite might happen if you 'tell' this when they are older! Just saying. It can be a huge struggle for an older kid to understand - even if they were just 8 or 10. Then it becomes an embarrassing thing they have to contemplate whether to tell their friends etc. They might become anxious or depressed or really confused. They might even start hating their parents for telling this/not telling this before.
But if they have grown up with that information through their whole lives, they've always known that and it's not a 'thing' to them, and nothing to be embarrassed about. All they know you are their mother and they love you as such.
Try to think how you were at the age of 10? Would you have liked to learn something like this about your father, for example?
I'm not saying older kids can't be okay with it. Of course! But there's a strong possibility of them being utterly devastated and feeling like their world just crashed...
Quote from: Julia1996 on December 03, 2017, 08:49:34 AM
I would really prefer just to never tell future kids I'm trans but that would be a trainwreck waiting to happen. No matter how careful I am they could still find out. Then they would be shocked and probably mad that I didn't tell them sooner.
This is just totally complicated. There just isn't any easy answer except to never adopt kids. I would be ok with that but I don't know if Tristan would. Sigh...dogs are so much easier.
I totally get you :-\! Like I said - been thinking about this myself!!! IF I had kids at some point (which is a big if) - I don't know if I wanted them to know either...! I guess that's a big reason to NOT have kids ;D! I don't want anyone (not even my own kid) to interfere with my life & blame me for being like this ;D!
But I get you... But I just warn you... they WILL find out - one way or another.
And I also get your concerns of little kids outing you! That might definitely happen of course! Little kids do noooot know how to keep their mouths shut no matter WHAT you tell them! If you say 'don't say this to anyone, then, okay?' that's EXACTLY what they'll do the next second ;D! And if you don't say anything - they just carelessly are probably gonna tell a range of people.....! [But it's also too much pressure for an older kid to not discuss this with someone. I'm sure they'd be burning to tell someone if you told them at a later date...]
Honestly - I don't know what I'd do if I were you! At least be open about that adoption thing, okay, ;)?
I would tell them they are adopted. That can be traumatic for someone to find out.
This might interest you:
Transgender Parents Who Conceived Two Sons Naturally | 20/20 | ABC News
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwuRSS2whTg
QuoteNo matter how careful I am they could still find out. Then they would be shocked and probably mad that I didn't tell them sooner.
By the time you have them and they're old enough, it probably will not make a bit of difference to them. The world is changing every day and every new generation is less judgemental and more forgiving. I think if you really want to worry about anything, just concentrate on being a great Mom. If you're that woman, by the time you have the conversation you'll be able to tell them anything and it most likely will make no difference to them. You're just "Mom".
Don't hide it. Be upfront. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. My kids have always had a say in family business. Good or bad. Happy or sad. I always looked at them as the future and did not stifle their imaginations. I was rewarded for this by their reaction to my coming out. "You are still our Dad" "You've always been our Dad" "But, you have to do what is right for you" "We will still love you no matter what"
You seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders and I am sure you will do what is best. We can live a life of fear. Like me. Or we can set a new standard of understanding, like you.
I would let them know when they are very young. They would grow up knowing and incorporate it into their knowing you.
I also worry about the fact I can't ever give Tristan his own children. We've talked about that and he said he knew that going into our relationship and it wasn't a problem for him. I just worry he might feel different later. One good thing is that Tristan has 2 brothers and I have a brother so our parents won't miss out on grandchildren. Lol, my dad is totally not ready to be a grandpa though. I don't know, having a 39 year old grandpa could be cool. But I can't picture it. Grandpa Jack. Lol.
Even if Tristan did change his mind, there are options such as surrogacy.