Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello,

I'm a 24 year old male, but I have problems with regards to the function of my assigned gender role in society.

I don't necessarily completely feel like I want to be a woman, because I honestly don't mind having a male body, even though I do like to wear long, loose flowing clothing such as very plain nightgowns in private.

I feel like the gender role that I am supposed to act out on just isn't me.  I'll give you an example.  I'm really into both males and females; with males I find very few of them to be physically attractive (no offence), but I do have sexual feelings towards them and I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with one if I found them to be very physically attractive, similar to me in personality and interests, and in my age range/group.  With regards to females, I don't really have too many sexual feelings towards them, but my interest in them is emotional in nature and I am so attracted to their physical appearance, meaning pretty much just their faces.

So my example is that I will give is how I want to relate to women vs. how society expects me to relate to women.  As a male/man, I am expected to take the lead, be aggressive, and be chivalrous in my dealings with women.  But my preferences are actually just the very opposite of that.  When I see an attractive women, I want them to be protective of me, to do things like put their arm around me and my head on their shoulders, while they take the lead assertively and while being sensitive to me.  And I'm not into BDSM stuff by the way, as that's just not for me.  I really want her to play the man's role in the relationship, while I play the feminine role.

So to a large degree at the least I'm very gender non-conforming in terms of my gender role.  I feel frustrated with the role that society assigns to men, and I feel like no women will ever want to act this way towards me because they all expect me to do the work and take the lead, as a man 'should do,' in their minds.  I also have body dysmorphia, and believe that I'm a fundamentally unattractive person. 

My views towards my gender role also make me have a somewhat uneasy feeling when I'm referred to as a "guy" or as a "man."  As I said earlier, I have doubts as to whether I would feel significantly more comfortable being identified as a woman, but I just want to be seen as I see myself, as a very gentle, passive, but intelligent and kind individual who women will aggressively pursue.

But who am I?  And how do I get others/society to see myself for who I really am, so I can be myself successfully?

Hi, Ruby!

Welcome to Susan's.  Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) to tell the members about yourself.

It certainly sounds like you might be somewhere on the transgender spectrum.  I would recommend seeing a gender therapist to explore who you are and what direction you would like to go.  You might be MTF or you might be non-binary.  A therapist will help you sort that out.

Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

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Quote from: Ruby123 on December 02, 2017, 11:47:06 PM
I don't necessarily completely feel like I want to be a woman, because I honestly don't mind having a male body, even though I do like to wear long, loose flowing clothing such as very plain nightgowns in private.

That is alright,  ;)! First of all: clothes & things you happen to like do not determine anyone's gender! Just to let you know. You can like whatever you like! And you can wear whatever you like too! This is a free world, after all,  ;).

Quote from: Ruby123 on December 02, 2017, 11:47:06 PM
I feel like the gender role that I am supposed to act out on just isn't me.

Also remember that all so-called 'gender roles' are a social construct. Don't ever feel pressured to act in a way that's not 'you',  ;). This world can handle many types of people! And everyone is just different. 

Quote from: Ruby123 on December 02, 2017, 11:47:06 PM
So my example is that I will give is how I want to relate to women vs. how society expects me to relate to women.  As a male/man, I am expected to take the lead, be aggressive, and be chivalrous in my dealings with women.  But my preferences are actually just the very opposite of that.  When I see an attractive women, I want them to be protective of me, to do things like put their arm around me and my head on their shoulders, while they take the lead assertively and while being sensitive to me.  And I'm not into BDSM stuff by the way, as that's just not for me.  I really want her to play the man's role in the relationship, while I play the feminine role.

You know what. Actually ALL people want those things, I guess. That someone cares for them. And to feel looked after by someone,  ;). You are not weird!

Quote from: Ruby123 on December 02, 2017, 11:47:06 PM
So to a large degree at the least I'm very gender non-conforming in terms of my gender role.  I feel frustrated with the role that society assigns to men, and I feel like no women will ever want to act this way towards me because they all expect me to do the work and take the lead, as a man 'should do,' in their minds.  I also have body dysmorphia, and believe that I'm a fundamentally unattractive person.

I'm sure many men feel pressured to be 'the strong one' in a relationship (and in life in general), though in reality a relationship is a two-way street! If you don't feel comfortable with such a 'role' it's understandable that you feel confused. Everyone is different. And not all men are 'strong, aggressive' types, you know, at all. Also men have feelings and feel weak and needy sometimes & need a shoulder to lean on,  ;). And that's okay! You don't have to be or act 'tough' and uncaring if that's not you.

And it's not true that women don't like such a role - many women actually do! There are many women out there who like to be the 'leader' in the relationship and the so-called 'stronger one'. And many women find sensitive men attractive, especially in a long-term relationship. 

Quote from: Ruby123 on December 02, 2017, 11:47:06 PM
My views towards my gender role also make me have a somewhat uneasy feeling when I'm referred to as a "guy" or as a "man."  As I said earlier, I have doubts as to whether I would feel significantly more comfortable being identified as a woman, but I just want to be seen as I see myself, as a very gentle, passive, but intelligent and kind individual who women will aggressively pursue.

Have you thought about the possibility of being non-binary? That means that you just want to be seen as an individual, and not necessarily as any gender at all? It all comes down to what you feel deep inside: do you feel in your heart that you are a sensitive, gentle guy? Or do you feel that you'd like to be seen as a delicate girl instead? Or neither? Do you just feel that you 'are'? The most important thing is what you FEEL inside - not things like clothing or likes or personality traits. You can be equally a sensitive, gentle man as a sensitive woman! Or something in-between! And you don't need to know that instantly.

Just keep a curious outlook on life. Think about what makes you the most comfortable? What kind of labels/terms? How would you like to be ideally perceived by others? As a cute girl? Or a sensitive boy who's looked after by some cute girl who likes to take the lead?

Quote from: Ruby123 on December 02, 2017, 11:47:06 PM
But who am I?  And how do I get others/society to see myself for who I really am, so I can be myself successfully?

Follow your heart's lead! How would you like to be seen by the society? If you deep inside feel like you are a girl - then you are! But you don't have to feel like you are a girl just because you enjoy wearing pretty nightgowns or like to be able to be vulnerable.

You mentioned you'd like to be 'looked after' by a woman who would put arms around you etc. Think about whether that picture includes you also being another girl/woman? Or just 'yourself' the way you are right now? Is there something you'd like to change about yourself?

If you strongly feel you'd like your body to appear more female-looking, for example, that might mean you are transgender!

Just remember that being vulnerable & getting hugs etc. is normal for just a man to want too! Men need love & caring, too, just feel like they aren't supposed to show it,  ;).

After all, every human being wants & needs those things you mentioned! Whether man, woman or non-binary! We all started as babies & children, you know,  ;).