Ever since i discovered that i have these feelings where i want to be a woman, I have always felt guilty about feeling that way. I never acknowledged these feelings and discarded them as perversion, curiosity and/or just a phase. But 8 years down the line the feelings still stayed and i finally started seeing a gender therapist.
After acknowledging these feelings, i really hoped that it would make me feel better, less guilty, less of a preversion. But it jut makes me feel worse. I feel so good when i do something to feel like myself, for example wear feminine clothing and being hairless below the neck etc. All if it really really makes me want to be a woman. And most of the time i feel like i want a vagina and breasts long hair cute butt etc etc like yesterday. But as happy as i feel about doing and wanting that, another part of me cant help but make me feel more guilty. It makes me guilty that i want these things. It makes me feel more like a perversion that wanting vagina and becoming a woman physically makes me happy. It makes me think that why cant i just be happy with what i have like the majority of guys?Why do i need something so complicated and unnatural to be happy? And why does it have to be so confusing that even when i am happy, it makes me feel bad and guilty about myself?
I have never had any kind of severe dysphoria about my genitals or my body. And that makes me feel worse that all of these feelings might just be a phase to me.But I have had these feelings ever since i was 13. Im 21 now and thr was a time where i would dismiss the thought of transitioning completely because i wouldnt be 100% genetically female. But lately i have wanted to be a woman so bad that it doesnt matter to me anymore that i am not genetically female 100%.
The things i want to ask are-
Does everyone feel so lost and confused?
Why is it so confusing all the time?
Why does this have to feel so bad when all i want is to be happy and feel like "me"?
I usually don't try to answer questions like this, but I'll give it a shot...
I was confused for over four decades. It led to growing levels of frustration and anger that almost cost me my job on a few occasions, and I'll never understand why my wife stayed with me. I did not understand where all my anger came from until last December when I finally realized I was transgender. Even though I have a long way to go, accepting that truth and starting HRT has cured my anger. I have finally found peace.
As young children we are usually only taught about boys and girls, that is all we can relate to, we have no other frame of reference. When all you know is 'boy' or 'girl' and your brain says 'girl' but you body says 'boy' (or vice versa) the confusion starts, and there are very few adults who can help us.
It feels bad because most of us were taught that we are either boys or girls and anything in between is unacceptable. For most of my life I thought that cross dressing was a fetish or perversion because that is what I had been taught. Part of me felt remorse when I did it, but the other part felt calm and serene -- I was taught cross dressing was wrong, but it certainly felt right. We are caught between two worlds, the black and white world we were taught, and the grey world that is reality. Once I accepted that grey world I became a much happier person.
I cant speak for everyone but what you have said describes what I was feeling a little over 2 years ago One of the first posts I made on a forum was entitled " I feel like a freak'' this was in august 2015 I went full time December 9 2017 and passed for the first time today things do get better accepting yourself is very important find a gender therapist they will help you sort out your confusion and find your path to happiness
I am 57 congratulations on coming to the realization that you need to explore this at such a young age with support from all the fine ladies here I'm sure you will find your answers
bobbisue :)
I'm 31 and started questioning around age 16. I started HRT a month ago and wish I would have done it earlier, but I simply wasn't ready. It took me a long time to "figure it out," to feel more comfortable with the decision to transition, and though I'm grateful to be doing it now, I am also experiencing some regret. It the is the regret that made me want to move forward, I think. It put a fire under my ass and made me choose me.
Wishing you the best. Keep going to therapy. Work on it as much as you need to.
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I can sure relate to how you are feeling! I felt the same way all my life until I came out at age 61 and started transitioning at 62.
Quote from: coconutballoon on December 11, 2017, 08:56:08 PM
Does everyone feel so lost and confused?
Pretty much every trans person who has not started transitioning feels like that. The technical term for it is gender dysphoria.
Quote
Why is it so confusing all the time?
On the one hand, you know what you want. On the other hand, you believe that you are not allowed to follow up on those desires, and that you have an obligation to fight them.
Quote
Why does this have to feel so bad when all i want is to be happy and feel like "me"?
You have an internal conflict between what you know you want, what will make you happy, and the fear that society makes the solution taboo.
Times are changing, and the taboos are less strict than they were. We often project our own fears onto others in the form of imagined opposition. Frequently, those fears turn out to be groundless, and people turn out to be more supportive than we imagined. YMMV, of course: some people really are dinosaurs.
Do you have access to a gender therapist? Seeing one will help you sort out these feelings, and can help you plan a way forward.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 11, 2017, 09:37:19 PM
I usually don't try to answer questions like this, but I'll give it a shot...
I was confused for over four decades. It led to growing levels of frustration and anger that almost cost me my job on a few occasions, and I'll never understand why my wife stayed with me. I did not understand where all my anger came from until last December when I finally realized I was transgender. Even though I have a long way to go, accepting that truth and starting HRT has cured my anger. I have finally found peace.
As young children we are usually only taught about boys and girls, that is all we can relate to, we have no other frame of reference. When all you know is 'boy' or 'girl' and your brain says 'girl' but you body says 'boy' (or vice versa) the confusion starts, and there are very few adults who can help us.
It feels bad because most of us were taught that we are either boys or girls and anything in between is unacceptable. For most of my life I thought that cross dressing was a fetish or perversion because that is what I had been taught. Part of me felt remorse when I did it, but the other part felt calm and serene -- I was taught cross dressing was wrong, but it certainly felt right. We are caught between two worlds, the black and white world we were taught, and the grey world that is reality. Once I accepted that grey world I became a much happier person.
Thanks a lot for help Jessica_Rose :)
Im happy for you that you finally found your peace and I just hope its gets better from here.
Again.. Thanks a lot! :)
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I don't have any answers for you. AllI can say is that Ive had these feelings since I was 5 years old and struggled my entire life with it sometimes extremely bad and at other times just bearable . I'm 66 years old now and going on 5 years since starting HRT and feeling so much better.
Quote from: bobbisue on December 11, 2017, 10:24:01 PM
I cant speak for everyone but what you have said describes what I was feeling a little over 2 years ago One of the first posts I made on a forum was entitled " I feel like a freak'' this was in august 2015 I went full time December 9 2017 and passed for the first time today things do get better accepting yourself is very important find a gender therapist they will help you sort out your confusion and find your path to happiness
I am 57 congratulations on coming to the realization that you need to explore this at such a young age with support from all the fine ladies here I'm sure you will find your answers
bobbisue :)
Thank you bobbisue :)
Congratulations on passing as your true self!
I do have a therapist with whom I am working things out. But still sometimes this confusion and guilt rises. I just hope it gets better. And yeah Im 21 and yet I think I should have started transitioning earlier.
Thanks again for help :)
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Quote from: antia212 on December 11, 2017, 10:41:09 PM
I'm 31 and started questioning around age 16. I started HRT a month ago and wish I would have done it earlier, but I simply wasn't ready. It took me a long time to "figure it out," to feel more comfortable with the decision to transition, and though I'm grateful to be doing it now, I am also experiencing some regret. It the is the regret that made me want to move forward, I think. It put a fire under my ass and made me choose me.
Wishing you the best. Keep going to therapy. Work on it as much as you need to.
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Thank you anita212 :)
If you don't mind me asking, what regret do you have? Is it regret for starting hrt or the regret that you didn't start it earlier? Because even thoigh I'm just 21 I also feel that starting earlier would've been a lot better.
Again.. Thanks a lot! :)
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Quote from: KathyLauren on December 13, 2017, 07:00:56 AM
I can sure relate to how you are feeling! I felt the same way all my life until I came out at age 61 and started transitioning at 62.
Pretty much every trans person who has not started transitioning feels like that. The technical term for it is gender dysphoria.On the one hand, you know what you want. On the other hand, you believe that you are not allowed to follow up on those desires, and that you have an obligation to fight them.You have an internal conflict between what you know you want, what will make you happy, and the fear that society makes the solution taboo.
Times are changing, and the taboos are less strict than they were. We often project our own fears onto others in the form of imagined opposition. Frequently, those fears turn out to be groundless, and people turn out to be more supportive than we imagined. YMMV, of course: some people really are dinosaurs.
Do you have access to a gender therapist? Seeing one will help you sort out these feelings, and can help you plan a way forward.
Thanks a lot KathyLauren for all the answers :)
I do have access to a gender therapist and while I still have this guilt and confuison, we are working on it as comfortably as we can. I just hoped that it would all be a lot quicker and easier. While I do realize that patience is very much needed while transitioning; at the same time I'm a very impatient girl. I just hope that moving forwards that it only gets better from here.
Again, thanks a lot! :)
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Quote from: stephaniec on December 13, 2017, 06:51:47 PM
I don't have any answers for you. AllI can say is that Ive had these feelings since I was 5 years old and struggled my entire life with it sometimes extremely bad and at other times just bearable . I'm 66 years old now and going on 5 years since starting HRT and feeling so much better.
Thanks Stephaniec! :)
I'm happy for you that it feels so much better and I am looking forward to feel good moving forward as well.
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Quote from: coconutballoon on December 11, 2017, 08:56:08 PM
Does everyone feel so lost and confused?
Why is it so confusing all the time?
Why does this have to feel so bad when all i want is to be happy and feel like "me"?
I'll have a go at answering. They aren't the easiest questions.
1) Not sure I felt lost and confused. Just the fact that something wasn't right. I think the confusion comes in when we are expected to fit into a gender role congruent with what you see outside, not inside. Most people are pretty black and white about gender. You are male or you are female. When you don't fit the mold then pressure will be applied - even if its unintentional to make sure you do.
Being only a few months down this road it becomes very clear on this point. My wife is worried the kids will be emotionally harmed, my family while supportive, have no concept of why anyone would do this, and work while being supportive are worried about how the perception of others could affect things professionally and socially. Therefore I come back to the point that for me its less about feeling lost, and more like "why the heck do you choose the hardest paths?" I came to the conclusion that if you can't be true to yourself you can't be true to others as well and what kind of life is that?
2) Its confusing because you are going against a lifetime of expectations and experiences. It takes time and courage to decide to transition and the challenges are large indeed. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and trust your own feelings. The confusion will clear in time.
3) You don't have to feel bad. Its the conflict that creates that feeling. I want to be this, but my reality is this. Once you are sure of the path you wish to take , and take the first steps that feeling will go away completely.
All I can say in conclusion is that being true to yourself - which for years I regarded as dangerous and selfish will go a long way to dealing with the anxiety and inner confilct - which is really distracting!l
1. Many of us have felt lost and confused at some point. That's how we found our path... Trans isn't a path that is laid out in front of any of us. It's the path you find when the others don't feel right.
2. It is confusing because you try to apply social convention to what is simply a reality. Social convention says that you're a man or a woman, the reality is that you are what you believe yourself to be. "I think, therefore I am" comes to mind. Scientifically proven that every human being is different. Sometimes the cosmos give us a difficult to categorize combination of genes.
3. I'm afraid that you're the only one that can answer why you feel bad for being your own beautiful self. Try to put the 3rd party hate and bigotry out of your mind and concentrate on what makes you feel natural. It's all about how you choose to look at things. Worry less about the outside world, and concentrate on yourself. Afterall, you're the only thing in your life that is forever.
Quote from: coconutballoon on December 13, 2017, 07:08:27 PM
Thank you anita212 :)
If you don't mind me asking, what regret do you have? Is it regret for starting hrt or the regret that you didn't start it earlier? Because even thoigh I'm just 21 I also feel that starting earlier would've been a lot better.
Again.. Thanks a lot! :)
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It's more regret for not starting earlier. However, I do recognize that I needed to be ready and, for me, ready happened at 30 years old. I just reread my reply to your post and realized I put I was 31, even though I'm 30! Though it's only a year, this "regret" sometimes makes me feel that I'm "too old" to transition, which is pretty nuts. The truth is that I didn't think I'd make it past 25 (I repressed my dysphoria with drugs and alcohol), and I'm lucky to be alive and healthy today--I have the opportunity to become the woman I didn't know I wanted to be, and that is a gift <3
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I too can relate to feeling unwanted, feeling like no one could ever understand, thinking I was perverted, suffering from a mental delusion, grasping at straws to explain away the way I felt. I struggled for decades before finally seeking help. I started questioning my gender as early as age 6, my memory of my childhood is a bit spotty. I am 36 now and started HRT in October. I can't tell you how much of a difference it has made speaking to a therapist, and coming out to those closest to me. I had to unlearn some of the conventional thinking that has been forced upon me for all my all life in order to get to a place where I can truly say I am good with myself. Unfortunately being trans is confusing. Talk to your therapist about how you feel, and maybe find an allie in someone close to you, whom you can talk to earnestly. I think for me, opening up to the people I cared about and being able to talk about these things with them has made a greater difference in my ability of coming to terms with who I am, than HRT ever will. When people think of transition, we typically focus on the physical, but the emotional and psychological aspects of transition are just as powerful, if not more so.
what great replies to this post, being confused about being transgender for me is almost all the time. Knowing what I would like to do but feel I cant because of the male responsibility to family I keep thinking why I cant I just be happy as a male? But the battle keeps going on in my head and I am the only one to change it but it is hard to do.
Quote from: Jazmynne on December 18, 2017, 05:55:46 PM
what great replies to this post, being confused about being transgender for me is almost all the time. Knowing what I would like to do but feel I cant because of the male responsibility to family I keep thinking why I cant I just be happy as a male? But the battle keeps going on in my head and I am the only one to change it but it is hard to do.
Yeah.. I feel you.. I am the only child and son in a big Indian family.. And that means A LOT of family pressure and expectations.. I always get into middle of everything when my family fights with each other and that just makes me feel exactly like you said "why cant i be happy with just being a man".. because i know if i come out to them as trans they would all be disappointed..
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Quote from: coconutballoon on December 11, 2017, 08:56:08 PM
Why does this have to feel so bad when all i want is to be happy and feel like "me"?
There are a lot of thought provoking replies in this thread, but it's this question of yours that I'm interested in. And if you don't mind I'd like to ask you a question so you may be closer to answering the above one.
What is it about doing something that makes you feel more like yourself which makes you feel guilty? Which part of it, I mean. The reason I ask is that a lot of different people are brought up with a lot of different ideas about what things signify. What associations they have with them.
I'll give you an example. I was brought up by my mum. On her own. To me, being a woman can be a sign of strength... of doing what needs to be done for those she cares about, regardless of the odds against her. Of coping with life, and dealing with everything it throws at you. Without needing that masculine figure to provide... and being the equal to any man.
To me there's no shame or guilt in it, because I grew up with strong, independent women in my life.
My next door neighbour, on the other hand, her dad did everything. Her mum was basically a housewife. That was partly because he was a control freak but that's how she grew up believing women were. That they needed men. That's what her mum taught her, because that's what her dad had drilled into her mum. In a sense she saw them as literally the weaker of the two. And I can well imagine that had she been a guy, she would have felt guilty wanting to be "the weaker" gender. And maybe would have seen it as a step down. Because that's how her view of life was. Not a question of right or wrong but that was how she was brought up.
I guess my question is: what is your view? Is it possible some of your guilt comes from the women in your life and the kind of people they are/were?
Quote from: coconutballoon on December 18, 2017, 06:16:11 PM
because i know if i come out to them as trans they would all be disappointed...
You may be right, but truthfully you simply cannot know without talking to your parents. I have felt similarly at times, but was pleasantly surprised by my families reaction, love, and support. People can surprise you when given a chance.
Quote from: Sephirah on December 18, 2017, 06:28:31 PM
What is it about doing something that makes you feel more like yourself which makes you feel guilty?
I guess my question is: what is your view? Is it possible some of your guilt comes from the women in your life and the kind of people they are/were?
I feel guilty because I am unhappy with who I am when everything is fine with me otherwise. And in order to be happy i desire going through all the changes which come with being transgender. Which I feel is crazy because I should be happy with who I am without seeking such changes. I dnt know whether I am making any sense to you right now or not, but it is a feeling that just comes over me from time to time.
As for answering the second part, Absolutely no! I have never felt that women are the weaker sex and being a woman in any term is a sign of being the weaker sex. In fact I feel quite the opposite and believe women to be stronger at times, and some part of me wanting to be a woman comes from admiration and respect for strong women.
But if you're talking abot being a transwoman, some of my guilt may be coming from there as it is seen as a taboo and the entire world isnt nearly as accepting as this corner of internet is. And also that being a transwoman might come in middle of me achieving all my goals in life.
Again, I dnt know whether I am making any sense or not, but I'm just trying to flow with my emotions here [emoji25][emoji28]
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Quote from: coconutballoon on December 27, 2017, 06:13:42 PM
I feel guilty because I am unhappy with who I am when everything is fine with me otherwise. And in order to be happy i desire going through all the changes which come with being transgender. Which I feel is crazy because I should be happy with who I am without seeking such changes. I dnt know whether I am making any sense to you right now or not, but it is a feeling that just comes over me from time to time.
We are born with a female brain and a male body. With a female brain, who we are is female. You say you should be happy with "who you are", but being male is not who you are. It is who we were told to be and who our families wanted us to be, but it's not who we are. That's why you can't be happy as that guy, because you are not a guy.
The changes we seek are not to become someone else. They are to allow us to stop pretending to be who we are not, and allow us to live as our true selves.
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 27, 2017, 06:32:19 PM
We are born with a female brain and a male body. With a female brain, who we are is female. You say you should be happy with "who you are", but being male is not who you are. It is who we were told to be and who our families wanted us to be, but it's not who we are. That's why you can't be happy as that guy, because you are not a guy.
This seems to be the fundamental dilemma that we all, or at least many of us, struggle with - reconciling this incongruity between brain, body, and societal perception. I too have asked myself why can't I just be happy with the brain and body that I've been given. My body functions fine, is an acceptable form to others, and the combination of brain and body have enabled me to forge out what most would consider a successful life - successful career, successful marriage, children, etc. But the profound sadness of not being able to express the feminine soul that lies within persists. We fortunately live in an era when attitudes have shifted and technological advancement allows us to modify ourselves to reconcile this frustrating, unresolvable incongruity.
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This is one of the most dynamic threads I have read so far. So many great comments. Ladies you have raised the bar. Wish I were more capable of expressing the same sentiments as all of you. To me my life has been like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Not out of confusion but because of ignorance. Please keep teaching me ladies.
Quote from: coconutballoon on December 27, 2017, 06:13:42 PM
I feel guilty because I am unhappy with who I am when everything is fine with me otherwise. And in order to be happy i desire going through all the changes which come with being transgender. Which I feel is crazy because I should be happy with who I am without seeking such changes. I dnt know whether I am making any sense to you right now or not, but it is a feeling that just comes over me from time to time.
Go with your feelings, sweetie. They're often more accurate than anything. I have a few more questions for you, if that's okay?
Regarding the part in bold... why do you feel it's crazy? Why do you feel you should be happy with who you are without making changes?
You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, hon, but I feel like it's important to maybe understand a little more. When you say you feel bad because you can't feel like yourself... how does this manifest itself? Like... does it affect your relationships with people? The way you live your life?
QuoteAs for answering the second part, Absolutely no! I have never felt that women are the weaker sex and being a woman in any term is a sign of being the weaker sex. In fact I feel quite the opposite and believe women to be stronger at times, and some part of me wanting to be a woman comes from admiration and respect for strong women.
But if you're talking abot being a transwoman, some of my guilt may be coming from there as it is seen as a taboo and the entire world isnt nearly as accepting as this corner of internet is. And also that being a transwoman might come in middle of me achieving all my goals in life.
Again, I dnt know whether I am making any sense or not, but I'm just trying to flow with my emotions here [emoji25][emoji28]
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Hmm, I think I understand what you're saying. But one last question... what is it that you want to achieve that you think transitioning may stop you from doing so?
Quote from: Sephirah on December 28, 2017, 02:36:47 PM
Go with your feelings, sweetie. They're often more accurate than anything. I have a few more questions for you, if that's okay?
Regarding the part in bold... why do you feel it's crazy? Why do you feel you should be happy with who you are without making changes?
You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, hon, but I feel like it's important to maybe understand a little more. When you say you feel bad because you can't feel like yourself... how does this manifest itself? Like... does it affect your relationships with people? The way you live your life?
Hmm, I think I understand what you're saying. But one last question... what is it that you want to achieve that you think transitioning may stop you from doing so?
I feel its crazy because no one wants to be transgender (its just the way it is and its not a choice) yet I want to be one as long as it gets me to being who I really want to be. And at the same time I feel it's kind of like "Throwing an axe at your own feet" and it's easier just staying like this. And I feel I should be happy without making changes is because at times it feels like I am being ungrateful to the life that I've been given.
Manifestation of me feeling bad is mainly with myself. I just feel incomplete, disappointed, frustrated, and, usually find myself dreaming about the life and body that I want. Other than that I am pretty good at controlling my emotions and keeping to myself. I feel disappointed and even stressed that I cannot transition yet when all I want to do most of the time is fast forward 2 years and be a complete woman or just go to God and tell him to correct the mistake.
And lastly, I want to see the whole world, or at least whatever is possible in one lifetime. I have a very extensive bucket list and its growing uncontrollably and I feel that being a trans woman may prove to be quite counterproductive towards achieving that. And I want to start working towards that goal ASAP but I also want to transition. To do one thing, I will have to pause or maybe even completely let go of the other thing and I dnt know if I can make that choice.
I hope I made enough sense with these answers :)
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Quote from: KathyLauren on December 27, 2017, 06:32:19 PM
We are born with a female brain and a male body. With a female brain, who we are is female. You say you should be happy with "who you are", but being male is not who you are. It is who we were told to be and who our families wanted us to be, but it's not who we are. That's why you can't be happy as that guy, because you are not a guy.
The changes we seek are not to become someone else. They are to allow us to stop pretending to be who we are not, and allow us to live as our true selves.
Thanks a lot Kathy!
That is a very enlightening answer.
Its just that sometimes i dnt feel trans enough because I would literally not want to change anything about myself except for me being a woman instead of a man. I do not picture myself making any changes about the things I like or do or want to do as a guy, I just want to do them as a girl. Otherwise I am more than happy with who I am. And most of all I do not really care about social roles I'm expected to play. I'm just saying that because a lot of ppl find it hard to fit into a role expected of their assigned gender. I've never found it hard to be a guy, its just that I find being a woman lot better and easier, calming and exciting at the same time; more like how it was supposed to be and a lot less "basic". Given a choice, I'd always pick being a woman over being a guy, but at the same time I wouldnt change things I do or want to do just because they're "expected" more out of a man than a woman.
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With you on that c/ balloon , my brain says my body should be female but not sure if I have a female brain what ever that is (just me). As I have said before its like a past life memory so what I should see is not what I see (did that make sense?)
Quote from: davina61 on January 05, 2018, 03:52:15 PM
With you on that c/ balloon , my brain says my body should be female but not sure if I have a female brain what ever that is (just me). As I have said before its like a past life memory so what I should see is not what I see (did that make sense?)
Its more like a female heart and soul than just mind, if it makes any sense.. [emoji6][emoji28]
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This may seem a bit too desperate.. But, I just feel lost and this is just an attempt to find some peace.. So any thoughts? Anyone?
Thanks! [emoji4]
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