I just keep buzzing with questions :D!
Did you feel that you were 'reborn' when you transitioned? Did you feel like you had or started a new life? Do you feel connection to your 'old self' anymore?
Did you concretely feel that 'this is the new start' or 'new life' for me? Did your life split in half? Has this other half been much more wonderful than you expected?
Do you feel enlightened or like a complete different person to that of what you used to be long time ago? Do you feel you just started your life?
Or was it just a more gradual process for you?
---
To me... yes and no. In a way I've been living as a guy since 13. In practice I haven't medically transitioned so haven't been able to really move on with my life. In a way I've always been 'myself' since 13. And dressed accordingly etc. In practice I've suffered coz I have extreme body & social dysphoria to the point of not wanting to see anybody coz people aren't able to see the true me. I've never stopped identifying as a guy. But in practice fell into deep despair coz felt I can't do anything about it & that I only truly exist inside my head, and obviously nobody is able to see that - though outwardly I've tried to look like a guy as much as possible.
If I finally go on T & my body & face actually start changing - that feels like a miracle to me! So I'm expecting that rebirth to the point of seeing my life up to this point as some sort of pseudo state.
It is definitely like being born again!!!! Your transition brings a yearning to dress in a way that you feel comfortable, it also brings name changes, and then surgeries to be congruent with the gender you identify as. So it totally is like being reborn again in so many ways or being born into the body that you were meant to have. Transition is just the start of being reborn and is just the start of it all.
Haven't thought of it this way before but I'd say not. It's gradual. I still have many of the old problems pre transitioning; they didn't just go away as many trans people assume they would. Takes time to build the confidence back up and to grow accustomed to all the changes; both mentally and physically.
I feel that for me it is a new start in life where I can forget about how much I hated myself and be happy with myself.
No. I'm still exactly the same person I was before transition. The only changes have been physical ones. And I have less anxiety now than before.
Well if personage is determined at conception like Christians say is how it should be than I, you and everyone else were "born" female. Which really puts a crimp in the theory that we follow our genitals.
My my Purplewolf, you do have quite a list of fun questions.
I am kind of in the gradual category but in a compressed manner. My transition has gone from being totally ignorant of gender identity issues almost three years ago to being pretty complete in my physical transition at this time.
Born again? I rather think of it as becoming more complete or whole. While I live fully binary female, it feels so awesome to have views into two worlds. Being able to relate to both ends of the binary spectrum and have compassion and empathy for both while relishing being totally me, the woman that I have become is so indescribably delicious!
Do I feel connection to my old self anymore? Sort of, in a strange way from time to time. When I awake in the morning, before engaging my mind while laying in bed, I feel being human, neither male nor female, just sort of there and the body memories of 67 years of waking as him feel normal. It is acceptable and probably proper but as soon as I get up and see myself in the mirror I am just all woman and the joy floods in.
Is this "new life" better than expected? You bet! My old life was a good life, it provided well for me and allowed me to cope/survive and I achieved a lot but for me it was cold and lonely. This new side of life is warm, welcoming and so emotionally rewarding! In the past two days I have had engaging personal conversations with more than ten different women that often ended with hugs and more than a few tears. That was more positive connections than my old life had in a decade.
The last question about feeling enlightened gets a yes. I still have the knowledge and skills of my old life but now adding emotional compassionate insights and feelings takes it from surviving to caring and serving and loving. I think that more than qualifies for a form of enlightenment.
My journey has been awesome and far more than I could of imagined or hoped for, I do hope that yours may be as fruitful.
Tia Anne
Quote from: Anne Blake on December 12, 2017, 06:18:21 PM
My journey has been awesome and far more than I could of imagined or hoped for, I do hope that yours may be as fruitful.
Thanks, :D! That was a really thoughtful answer btw.
Yeah, I do feel like it's a new shot at life. Everyone tells me they can see I'm a happier person. I never knew I was unhappy.
This is totally a new life. Yes, I am still the same me that I always was, but this version 2.0 is so much better. I am happier, more whole, more contented.
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 12, 2017, 08:08:34 PM
but this version 2.0 is so much better.
I like that one! I'd like to 'update' my version too... Might as well update my whole life!
Purplewolf, I think you are awesome. You have asked many basic and thoughtful questions that really get to the point.
Although I have not transitioned yet, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can never forget the person I was because he had a good life and provided well for his family. The pain he carried did cause issues, but he was able to cope with it long enough to realize what the problem was. In some ways I will be sad to see him go, but he knows that he has carried his burden long enough and soon it will be time to say goodbye.
This will be a new start for me. I believe there is a beautiful soul lurking beneath this tattered male wrapper. She has been hiding in the darkness for decades, waiting for him to see the light and release her into the world.
I do feel much more enlightened. A year ago I would have laughed at anyone who would have suggested I was transgender. Last year I joked about National Coming Out Day, this year I chose that day to tell my manager. I will retain parts of my old self -- like his sense of duty, honor, and family. She will add emotion and empathy. I feel like I have been living under a dark cloud of anger all my life. The anger is now gone, and soon the sun will be shining.
I don't expect the changes to be instantaneous, but I do expect them to happen quickly. She is tired of being kept in the darkness, and she wants to celebrate coming out into the light.
All of what you said was so awesome :laugh:!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 12, 2017, 08:47:57 PM
Purplewolf, I think you are awesome. You have asked many basic and thoughtful questions that really get to the point.
And another compliment! No, you guys are awesome here! I've gotten so many today :laugh:! I'm writing them all down.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 12, 2017, 08:47:57 PM
I do feel much more enlightened. A year ago I would have laughed at anyone who would have suggested I was transgender. Last year I joked about National Coming Out Day, this year I chose that day to tell my manager. I will retain parts of my old self -- like his sense of duty, honor, and family. She will add emotion and empathy. I feel like I have been living under a dark cloud of anger all my life. The anger is now gone, and soon the sun will be shining.
I've grown a lot in the past year or two too :laugh:!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 12, 2017, 08:47:57 PMShe is tired of being kept in the darkness, and she wants to celebrate coming out into the light.
Me too!
As i hit puberty, middle school through high school i was a walking zombie, always playing video games or watching anime. I never develop a persona, never felt my body changing other than my libido. This was do to depersonolization. I was a ghost in a shell or better said shell with no ghost. I was anti social because of the nothingness i had inside, scared of the world i quit school and locked myself in my room. After discovering that i was a transexual my first year of your went like a dream as in i felt like i had woken up. Then i went suicidal quit hormones i went on a Voyage to find my self aka move to florida( a new place were no one knew me and began my spiritual journey. A year later i was like vegeta coming out of thr hyperbolic time Chamber powerful and renewed. Then i started hormones again. Fast forward almost 3 years later and who ever i was in the past feels like a dream, i mean i literally feel like step into my body, very suspicious😒. Oh well im only 60% transitioned but i'm planning a pagan ritual of renewal were i will burn all my old pictures and restart my birthday its ganno be awsome.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on December 12, 2017, 12:37:48 PM
Did you feel that you were 'reborn' when you transitioned? Did you feel like you had or started a new life? Do you feel connection to your 'old self' anymore?
Nah. It's the exact same life and mostly the same problems. And I'm the same person stuck in it.
QuoteDid you concretely feel that 'this is the new start' or 'new life' for me? Did your life split in half? Has this other half been much more wonderful than you expected?
When I was about to start HRT, yeah. Had a feeling about it - one half of my mind was like, "this is it" and the other was like "this is what? probably won't even do much anyway." But it did change my perceptions, and my thought process and my general approach to things slightly. I don't have any complaints - being able to think clearly and un-selfconsciously, and get to sleep at night probably has much greater implications than I can feel on my life and will have effects into the future.
QuoteDo you feel enlightened or like a complete different person to that of what you used to be long time ago? Do you feel you just started your life?
Enlightened? Not much. I've started to understand what it is to feel more at one with yourself, if that's how you mean. And that's a profound thing. But it hasn't granted me much in the way of useful knowledge. Just a brain that can better go out and get what it wants, I guess.
But I do feel an absence of depression and emotionality.
Kind of?
I remember the very moment when the constructed persona of my former self disappeared... it did feel like a death. Funny thing, though, is that my authentic self "woke up" long before the constructed self died. So the death and rebirth were reversed.
Born again? No Taking on my pre determined identity that mis labeled by a penis has been a dream come true, but not a rebirth. If I could complete the transition via surgeries, I might have other observations.
I have to go with rebirth. I'm not who I was but carry those experiences to make me a better person. Doug went into the closet and Donna arrived. He will always be there to make me better but never come back. I am not the same person, even my wife has said that and she likes the new personality that Donna has.
That's a tough one, in a way I do feel like I got a reset, that I can now start living, and now I'm really doing things right, but I don't feel reborn so that's a little exaggerated.
Like someone else said I was always me and I still am me, I was a guy then even if I didn't know it and I am now. However, I really do feel like I missed out on a boyhood and a childhood, so it feels like my Pre-T moments when I was starting to be more masculine was my childhood, and it came and went so quickly. I've basically started over from where I should have been. My previous history was never erased either, so a lot of the struggle of a young tomboy was also me. I guess in a metaphorical sense you could say I'm just born, I'm pretty new and just living my new years out as comfortably as I should be
Did you feel that you were 'reborn' when you transitioned?
- In a way, yes, but I struggle to describe how I see it.
Did you feel like you had or started a new life?
- I'm not sure. I've always kept "re-starting" my life in various ways from time to time. Like sometimes I just get stuck and need a total makeover and software re-installation, kinda. Like a slow and lagging computer. Transitioning was one of those for me, the most important one with the biggest impact, but far from the only "re-start" of mine.
Do you feel connection to your 'old self' anymore?
- Yeah I do, in some ways. In other ways I don't. Sometimes I read my old diaries from that time and I know I was some kind of "me" then, but it was as though I hadn't connected to myself yet then. And then I was a fair bit younger then as well, so that's a factor too, in how well I feel connected to that time of my life.
Did you concretely feel that 'this is the new start' or 'new life' for me?
- No, I didn't. I was scared to come out as trans cause I still wasn't entirely sure. I remember I told myself that I was gonna "give John a chance and see how far he flies" a few months before I came out. That was the name I chose, btw. So I had a very hesitant start, like dipping one toe into the water, then half a foot and so on until you're fully submerged.
Did your life split in half?
- No, not really. My life had already been very messy up until I came out, and coming out as trans just added another layer of mess, but for the most part my life remained the same. Still had the same family, still got drunk with the same friends, still went to the same school, had the same interests, etc. I see that point as it started a new chapter in my life, but other chapters/events have certainly split my life more.
Has this other half been much more wonderful than you expected?
- Well, I have lived the past third of my life as a man and the first two thirds as a girl/woman, but no it did not become more wonderful than I had expected. It got worse, it got far more difficult and harder to endure. Transitioning was extremely difficult, trying to come to peace with my dysphoric mind was a struggle, and finding happiness was so far away that it wasn't even worth thinking about. I should add though, that I had a lot more hardship to deal with than just being trans. But for the past 2 years I can at least say it really has gotten a lot better.
Do you feel enlightened or like a complete different person to that of what you used to be long time ago?
- No, I don't. I feel like I'm more of myself, like I found missing pieces but kept all the old ones too. I feel very different in that sense, like I have more aspects and variables now, and I see things from a very different perspective. But I'm also still same old, awkward, kinda weird, kinda wild person as ever. That, in and of itself, is kind of enlightening though.
Do you feel you just started your life?
- No, I still haven't started it yet. And that feels odd to say by what should be the "end" of my transition. But I feel like I've been stuck in an uneventful, boring rut I can't get out of for way too long and like I never really have lived my life yet. I've just been in constant survival-mode, just living day-to-day, but never really lived with the goal to enjoy life for what it is and do the best I can of it. That point is what I'm trying to kick myself up to now, but I see a huge mountain of things I need to do and years of working at it to even get close to that point. I do feel like me being trans is kind of, at least partially, what keeps holding me back from starting. But damn it if I don't stop complaining about everything that's annoying and start doing what I can regardlessly! I should know by now that "it's hard" isn't an excuse when it's still possible.
Or was it just a more gradual process for you?
- It was very gradual, or more like painfully slow. I did everything I could to try to speed it up but that didn't work. It messed up my other mental health issues. But when it did finally speed up it slowly started getting a little bit better. But I was still damaged and it took several more years before I started to get up on my feet. I'd say it was like a re-start, but with a very, very long loading-process.