What is the thing (or things) that haunts you from your past? In relation to your transition, I mean. Maybe something in your look? Or the way you used to look? Something you did that still haunts you? Did you have atypical interests to your gender identity - i.e. typical to your assigned gender at birth? Something that you find hard time letting go of?
Something that makes you doubt yourself all the time? Or do you have some characteristic that stares you back from the mirror - even today?
Let it all out here - and let go of it for GOOD!
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Mine: What haunts me from my past is my life pre-transition, aka 0-13 years. It disturbs my mind that I wasn't the so-called typical tomboy - far from it! It bothered me when I socially transitioned. It bothers me still to this day. I didn't like the way I looked and the way I dressed as a child. My mom made me wear all girl clothes - and horrible ones on top of that! What bothers me most is that I played with dolls, even more compared to girls in general, I think! All that was mainly because I had a very strict mom who didn't let me have anything slightly boyish, be it clothes, accessories, toys etc. I never got the chance to be my true self, really. I know it's not my fault and wasn't my choice. But it still irks me the way I used to look & be as a kid. And on top of that it annoys me that I used to play with dolls that much, for some reason. I don't know why!
Maybe that bothers me partly because I can't ever know what I could have been like, had I been given the chance. And secondly it bothers me because I don't like the idea that I used to be a girl in society's eyes, even as a kid.
After reading all your stories, though, it has really occurred to me that I actually realized I was trans & socially transitioned pretty early on, after all! So - despite all that stifling & uber strict upbringing, I managed to transition at 13. My childhood still annoys me to some extent, though. But then again, it did at that time too, so. I just didn't like the person my mom tried to make me, on so many levels.
The only ghost that haunts me right now is my 20'ish self. She is telling me why didn't you insist on getting help then and transitioning earlier. I knew that I was different. I knew what I desired and wanted. I really couldn't express it to anyone. Now I am more of an adult and got away from influences preventing me. Like you I had a strict upbringing. I grew up mormon and we didn't talk about being different. So I totally get where you are coming from and can relate. I also grew up in the 80's and if you were even gay, you were totally ostracized and made an outcast. So i love the generation coming up and am jealous at their acceptance of differences. I have many 20ish year old friends that accept me more than my own generation or the ones before me. So we are going in a great direction.
I've run into this repeatedly lately with people looking at old holiday photos. Fat, bald(shaved head to hide balding), depression beard... I hated the way I looked since puberty, and depression only made things exponentially worse. I want to cry every time I see the pictures. Fortunately, I didn't volunteer for photographs, ever, so there aren't that many. Though that also means the ones there are, are family group photos that it's harder to just get rid of.
I see cycles. Fat and not really there, mega fit and focused. Totally different to now. That dude can stay in the past. I only need his experience to move forward. :) Now if I could only easily get rid of the facial hair and need to take spiro it would be great.
The thing that haunts me is not getting this transition thing through earlier. I knew since childhood I am a guy. I was one of the guys until puberty. No matter how much I tried dressing in girls cloths in my teens I never felt beautiful. I felt like a lousy crossdresser. My mom always told me to walk like a girl. How??
About dolls. I got two barbies from my granny. I hung them in a noose from the door knob. No idea what I played at the time. But my baby sister got the dolls instead. Mom did not think it was a suitable thing to play. I kept my cars sacred. And StarWars action figures. They are somewhat like dolls.
I mean the main thing is my nose which I can fix at some point so I feel that can't be it.
What I do think about is my fear of trying on clothes I like and makeup. I had the urge to and did at 13 but my dad caught me and it was very embarrassing. I forgot what he said but it shattered me. Since then I've avoided all things feminine even though deep down I knew that's what I wanted. It kind of makes me sad to think about this and the impact that shame has had on my life.
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My past life as a hooligan & criminal. It never occurred to me to seek help, I just thought I was disturbed, dead, jail the loony bin I didn't give a rat's ass what happened to me
40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-let-go-and-feel-less-pain/
The Power of Acceptance: Stop Resisting and Find the Lesson
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-power-of-acceptance-stop-resisting-and-find-the-lesson/
There are two ways out of a problem: accept what's happening, see the positive, and choose a peaceful state of mind; or fight against it, be miserable, and struggle against the universe.
What bothers me most is how long it took me to figure things out. I had this mindset that life was supposed to be unpleasant, so I don't think I was able to see it in the way I should have for ages.
Ultimately I think I had a defeatist attitude earlier in life. Which offends the one I have now to the core.