I'm not entirely sure which area of the forum to post this in, mods feel free to move.
In short (after 8 months RLE and 6 of HRT) I'm considering a detransition...
Not because it's not going well, it is, at least from a personal perspective.
The issue is that my young six year old son is (after 8 months) still struggling with my change. I convinced myself that my children would be ok (in time); my daughter has seemingly been fine with it, my son has not.
There were/are other factors (broken marriage, rejection by mother), but it feels like this is swinging the needle back that way.
My seeming indifference about the physical changes i'm getting feels like another; I don't even know if I like my increasingly feminine thighs, and GRS is still a big 'maybe' for me.
Could I cope with the GD from a detransition, I'm not sure, maybe...
I've tried to write this post several times, I'm not sure the purpose of it. I don't mean to deter any parents from a potential transition, I feel every child processes it very differently; but I feel it's fair to paint a real picture of at least one reality.
Megan. X
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Big hug! I don't have a crystal ball, but there is a possibility he will process this and become quite proud of you. :)
I certainly understand how torn you are. Thanks for sharing the perspective with us.
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi Megan,
I hope you can find the answers that you're looking for soon. Hugs!
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So sorry to hear this Megan. The love you have to put your son first in such a way is truly amazing.
Have you considered detransitioning only socially while keeping up HRT (perhaps as a very low dose) and other physical things(hair removal), both as a hold over to living in full to stay the GD as well as to make any future complete transition a more instantaneous process? Maybe even just a year or two of age will help him be old enough to process it more fully, allowing you to pick up where you left off socially without having to go through the very early physical stages again.
Also, has your son been seeing a therapist? If not, that'd be my first step, even if they don't work through the issues they could perhaps more definitively pinpoint the true causes, maybe it is more the other stuff you mentioned and not the transition itself(meaning that you'd be detransitioning for nothing).
Quote from: Roll on December 17, 2017, 01:13:17 PM
So sorry to hear this Megan. The love you have to put your son first in such a way is truly amazing.
Have you considered detransitioning only socially while keeping up HRT (perhaps as a very low dose) and other physical things(hair removal), both as a hold over to living in full to stay the GD as well as to make any future complete transition a more instantaneous process? Maybe even just a year or two of age will help him be old enough to process it more fully, allowing you to pick up where you left off socially without having to go through the very early physical stages again.
Also, has your son been seeing a therapist? If not, that'd be my first step, even if they don't work through the issues they could perhaps more definitively pinpoint the true causes, maybe it is more the other stuff you mentioned and not the transition itself(meaning that you'd be detransitioning for nothing).
In my case most of my GD was social not physical. While I've found HRT to be a very big pile of icing on the cake (mentally and physically), just living full-time before I started HRT was a great relief.
I feel that pausing for later transition would probably set a precedent, this was always a now or never thing.
I don't know which way I'll go right now.
I try to imagine what he might say when older if he knew I'd given this up for him...
It's funny but my daughter seems very blasé about it. I asked her if she minded Daddy becoming a girl, she just answered with a simple 'nope'.
On top of this I'm mindful of the practical reality of going back, particularly in my career and job, where everyone has been great.
Whatever, this is not something to rush. I have a business trip next month, and I couldn't do anything until after that.
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Wow. I am so sorry you even have to consider this decision. I'd consider therapy for your son before committing to detransition. But whatever you decide, I am sure it will be the best choice.
My Dear Megan,
I hate to read this post of yours. I'd rather not have seen it because to me it is such a sad thing to have to consider for whatever reason. You made the decision to transition in the first place at great cost to yourself and yes to your family. It was never an easy decision to transition and I fear trying to go back is not going to be good for you and many of those sacrifices will have been for naught. That your son is having trouble with it is gut wrenching I'm sure. That you want to save him from it is understandable. I cannot advise you one way or the other. But I can sympathize with you.
With all this trouble I have in my own family I too thought about going back. But in my case it would not have made any difference at all. Not one thing would change if I did except I would not be transitioning. My family would still be lost to me. My one sister I live with would still support me. and I would still be depressed or dead. So in my case it really would not matter so I keep taking my pills there's no reason not to.
That of course is me. What it might do for you I cannot say. It is something you will have to decide for yourself. I wish you good luck in making a good decision for you.
Hugs,
Laurie
All of us with family obligations have struggled with this as well. For me, I delayed my transition for over half a century because I felt that the family is more important than just me. The situation changed over time, and everybody just sort of drifted away from each other. We still keep in contact, but we all live separate lives.
The previous post that suggested counselling for your son being able to accept your transition is a very good idea. Even though you may not look like a man, you will always be there for support as every good father should. The only changes are pronouns and your appearance.
Megan, yes this is a valid reason. I wouldn't be rash though. Therapy is a good idea for your son, but to my the best would be socially detransitioning as a test. See if this works. If it doesn't then maybe try going off hrt. As you are taking your e and aa orally, I'd save a few months worth, just in case the gd comes back with a crippling vengeance. I quit cold turkey a few times, and my gd came right back. The 2nd time I quit I was able to resist gd for a couple years, but it came back worse. Anyway, if you decide to go this route have a supply just in case you need to get back on.
Bari Jo
Megan,
When my kids were little we had a child development book that described the different stages of behavior that kids went through. It was amazing to look at that book and see that our kids really were in the stage that the book described. You have no doubt experienced the terrible 2's as an example. I think it possible that a little research might give insight on the type stage your son might be in. Therapy yes of course could help. Do you think it possible this may not be about you and may be something your son is just going through? I am just wondering if you just assume you are the cause.
Moni
Hi Megan,
It is a tough place you are in. I can't and won't offer any advice, this is something that you alone can decide. Just remember that we are here for you. Do what you need to do identify and keep your priorities and reach out if and when you need us. Good luck and may God bless.
Love you girl!
Tia Anne
Hi Megan
Not a great choice to have to make. When my Kids were about 10 I wanted to transition then and my wife asked me to stop until the kids were older. I stopped despite the relief it bought me and it was the most difficult thing I have had to do and I am sometimes wracked with a real sense of loss. It reinforced all my fears about transition I do not envy your decision and I hear the wisdom in your approach of caution.
You have taken some hard hits over the last few months and I think I would be feeling pretty similar to you if I had copped what you have. What ever you decide I hope it works out for you.
Tnx all [emoji5].
For those that asked, we did arrange therapy for my son. I thought this had gone well, and even his therapist reported as such, until this recent flare-up.
Moni, I think the timing for my son was bad, he was becoming very aware of the 'gender rules' just around the same time, not ideal. The way the NHS works in the UK you're obliged to fit your life around their calendar, any delay on my part would have set me back at least 6-8 months, something I couldn't have coped with at the time.
Life will continue...
Megan. X
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I hate to do this, but I have to.
Megan, are you convinced that detransitioning would somehow make this right? That the hands of time would be reset, and everyone would just go back to the way it was?
I've thought about this, and the only takeaway I see is your son learning that we can pressure people into changing if we don't like who they are. And that if someone doesn't like you, that you should change to please them.
You're going to have to show him that the person who loves him is still there. Teach him about being true to yourself. He's going to need that someday.
Hugs, Devlyn
You have to decide but I'm with Devlyn on this one. There really is nothing to gain by detransitioning to make things easier for a 6 year old. At that age, he will adapt. Maybe the issue is making too much of it? I mean, if you keep telling a child something over and over then that is what sinks in. Time will settle but if you try to revert, have issues and try again, it'll only be worse.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 19, 2017, 07:59:08 PM
I hate to do this, but I have to.
Megan, are you convinced that detransitioning would somehow make this right? That the hands of time would be reset, and everyone would just go back to the way it was?
I've thought about this, and the only takeaway I see is your son learning that we can pressure people into changing if we don't like who they are. And that if someone doesn't like you, that you should change to please them.
You're going to have to show him that the person who loves him is still there. Teach him about being true to yourself. He's going to need that someday.
Hugs, Devlyn
Wise words as always Devlyn (and Faith).
There have been those moments in my transition when tough emotional pressures have pushed me hard in another direction than intended or wished. Many here know this conflict.
At those times I try to give myself a 'cooling off' period, to let those emotions soften and objectivity to creep back in.
All any good parent should want for their children is happiness. When my actions threaten that, it crushes me.
My children's lives will be harder as a result of my choice(?) to transition, that's reality, and I'll have to carry the guilt from that. That they grow up into healthy, balanced and open-minded adults is what I'll need to know that any harm wasn't permanent, only time will tell.
We can never go back in life, but the direction and how we go forward in life is fully within our power to decide.
Tomorrow I'll be increasing my E dose again, so I guess that means Megan lives on for now. [emoji5]
X.
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I have been at the same point over the last week Megan... just seeing how much trouble I caused for a little bit of my own happiness paired with me not doing well the past few weeks either made me just want to go back. At least then I am the only one suffering. Or go for the worst case alternative.
My wife flat out said: what would it change? I would still be hurt. So I guess I will stick around for a bit longer.
So glad you are better! And I am also proud of you worrying so much about your son. I hope with some professional help he will get better. Hugs
Sarah
good for you.
remember, children soak in your inner turmoil, not necessarily your outer presentation. I can remember my Wife (and daughters now) having trouble with the children crying, can't get them to sleep, etc. I would take them and settle them right down. The only difference was my Wife (or daughters) were having bad moments that they were hiding. The children knew anyway and it upset them.
If you are happy in transition, they'll feel it. If you're unhappy in detransition, they'll feel that too.
Quote from: sarah1972 on December 20, 2017, 06:00:42 AM
I have been at the same point over the last week Megan... just seeing how much trouble I caused for a little bit of my own happiness paired with me not doing well the past few weeks either made me just want to go back. At least then I am the only one suffering. Or go for the worst case alternative.
My wife flat out said: what would it change? I would still be hurt. So I guess I will stick around for a bit longer.
So glad you are better! And I am also proud of you worrying so much about your son. I hope with some professional help he will get better. Hugs
Sarah
I don't think anyone has a bump free existence, trans* or not. I'm sorry you've had a few recently, but I'm very glad you'll be sticking around! X
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Sorry Megan. Did not want to hijack your post. This was not intended to be about me :-(
Quote from: Megan. on December 20, 2017, 07:46:01 AM
Quote from: sarah1972 on December 20, 2017, 06:00:42 AM
I have been at the same point over the last week Megan... just seeing how much trouble I caused for a little bit of my own happiness paired with me not doing well the past few weeks either made me just want to go back. At least then I am the only one suffering. Or go for the worst case alternative.
My wife flat out said: what would it change? I would still be hurt. So I guess I will stick around for a bit longer.
So glad you are better! And I am also proud of you worrying so much about your son. I hope with some professional help he will get better. Hugs
Sarah
I don't think anyone has a bump free existence, trans* or not. I'm sorry you've had a few recently, but I'm very glad you'll be sticking around! X
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Hijack away hun [emoji4], this wouldn't be much of a forum without sharing our thoughts and troubles. X
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Quote from: Megan. on December 20, 2017, 05:31:05 AMTomorrow I'll be increasing my E dose again, so I guess that means Megan lives on for now. [emoji5]
Megan,
I've refrained from commenting, since I have no children and have very little experience with them. But I'm very happy to know that you haven't given up on transitioning. It seems to me that your son would be hurt more by having an unhappy father than he would with a joyful mother.
That's my 4 ha'pennies (you still use those, right?)
Steph
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 20, 2017, 08:45:27 AM
Megan,
I've refrained from commenting, since I have no children and have very little experience with them. But I'm very happy to know that you haven't given up on transitioning. It seems to me that your son would be hurt more by having an unhappy father than he would with a joyful mother.
That's my 4 ha'pennies (you still use those, right?)
Steph
Steph, even before starting on this road, my GD (didn't have a name for it then) was already impacting me, my Ex would notice me struggling and pack me off the cinema regularly for a bit of mental escapism without either of us realising what was going on.
It is my greatest hope my children grow up appreciating this [emoji5]
Megan. X
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Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 19, 2017, 07:59:08 PM
I hate to do this, but I have to.
Megan, are you convinced that detransitioning would somehow make this right? That the hands of time would be reset, and everyone would just go back to the way it was?
I've thought about this, and the only takeaway I see is your son learning that we can pressure people into changing if we don't like who they are. And that if someone doesn't like you, that you should change to please them.
You're going to have to show him that the person who loves him is still there. Teach him about being true to yourself. He's going to need that someday.
Hugs, Devlyn
Wise words indeed and they match my feeling about this difficult part of the journey you find yourself in Megan... Sending good and loving wishes your way for navigating the challenges ahead and glad you are not giving up on a life that is YOUR life,,,,
Hugs!!!
Ashley 🌻