Another question :D!!! I can't help myself!
Was that a badly worded question? Hope not. I meant this:
Through transitioning you are in a unique place because you have experienced the 'both sides' when it comes to hormones & how they play a part in general behavior. What are the things you learned?
Generally I've heard that women describe experiencing emotions more fully & men that they have a hard time crying on T, for example.
And I'm talking about strictly the effect hormones have had in your behavior - not just that general euphoria of being calm & true to yourself finally. Sure there are some things you've noticed changing?
Emotions? Sex drive? The way you think/empathize...? The way you deal with anger? Whatever comes to your mind!
Has that experience solidified your inner sense of self/gender identity?
Did you experience those things you were hoping for (such as an increased sex drive)?
Did something take you by surprise?
After that experience - do you believe that men & women actually do experience things differently? Do you believe that's mostly because of the effect hormones have on a body?
Do you now understand even more the gender you identify with? Or do you understand even less the gender you were assigned at birth? Or something like that ;D?
- Elaborate answers especially appreciated! But everything goes, as always ;D! -
I've captured this in my HRT thread, but in summary:
I would say that the emotions for me are not any greater, but they are in full 4K HD now compared to old broadcast SD. They have more detail, they are 'crisper' and more refined.
My ability to either ignore or override these emotions has however greatly diminished. This has lead to me making decisions based on emotional 'feel', where I would have always made an 'actively considered' choice. I don't consider my behaviour less rational, but some factors have more value than before when emotional consideration was largely ignored. An example of this was not wanting to meet my dad, after receiving a hurtful letter from my mum. Before HRT, I would have been happy to meet, because he is not her, and the letter did not express his thoughts. After HRT I was unable to meet, because of the emotional relationship they had, the negative feelings I had about my mum, are now also connected to my dad.
I feel I'm a far more balanced person, where before I heavily focused on the 'messurable', I've learned that I often receive positive value from making the more spontaneous emotional choice.
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Thanks!
Quote from: Megan. on December 17, 2017, 04:13:22 PM
An example of this was not wanting to meet my dad, after receiving a hurtful letter from my mum. Before HRT, I would have been happy to meet, because he is not her, and the letter did not express his thoughts. After HRT I was unable to meet, because of the emotional relationship they had, the negative feelings I had about my mum, are now also connected to my dad.
That was interesting!
My experience changing my sex hormone balance was profound.
It had a huge effect on my mind within a few weeks. It was an important factor in my spouse and I staying together and becoming closer in our relationship. Those persistent negative emotions dissipated. Anger, impatience, depression, insensitivity, inattentiveness, etc. all faded away. What's strange is that I had no idea I was so unhappy all my life until I changed my hormone balance.
My anxiety level dropped. I stopped biting my fingernails without even trying.
Sexual urges went away entirely, and were replaced with sexual desire. I now understand how superficial male sexuality is compared to female sexuality.
Estrogen caused my female brain to blossom. Initially, I though taking a modest dosage of E would be sufficient to quiet my mental distress. It did, but it also awakened the female side of my psyche. I connected with my female side much more than I could have imagined.
I was not a cross-dresser at any time prior to my transition, but once I started HRT, I was drawn to everything female. It was a night-and-day change in my gender expression. What amazed me was how natural it felt.
My attitude toward women's issues changed, too. I went from being somewhat resentful and antagonistic toward women to adopting many of the views and concerns that women have been voicing for years. Sexual harassment, social inequality, health issues, etc. They all make sense to me now.
Feelings of vulnerability hit me overnight. Physical safety became a real concern in certain places and at certain times of the day.
I became interested in cooking. Something I had no interest in previously.
And, of course, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the second puberty effect that happens. Acting more like a teenage girl than a mature women is something to behold. Self-absorption, obsession with clothes, makeup and hair, change in music preferences, increased social needs, parties, dancing...
A female brain which is force-fed testosterone is a very unhappy brain. Supply it with estrogen and stand back.
I would have to say that the abruptness of my life has changed. To be specific:
Sex Drive: Before it was urgent, something that if not dealt with began to become very distracting. Now? Its not that its not there, but its not overwhelming, more like a gentle suggestion as compared to a shove. Also the feeling of coming to a focused laser point at orgasm is more like a spreading out and internalizing of the sensation, which lasts longer and is well - repeatable many many times. In addition simply seeing a good looking man / women isn't enough there needs to be an emotional connection. As a man I never felt that. I made sure She enjoyed it, but for me? Mechanical act requiring effort.
Motivation: I no longer focus on the immediate result, have to see the progress, rather focus on the bigger picture and work toward the goal without having to see the evidence right now.
Emotion: I would often bottle emotion in and ignore it if I felt it wasn't appropriate. This of course isn't healthy. Now it just comes and its very hard to actually control or ignore it. Thus it has a greater impact on decision making - I've become a bit more impulsive. Not sure if that is a positive or not, but I certainly take more risks that lead to positive endings
Well being: I feel generally happy most if not all the time. Before I had to find a reason to be happy and my default was neutral.
Socialization: I was a recluse, didn't really seek friendship, but could feign it if needed. Now I feel a need to talk to people and socialize.
And, of course, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the second puberty effect that happens. Acting more like a teenage girl than a mature women is something to behold. Self-absorption, obsession with clothes, makeup and hair, change in music preferences, increased social needs, parties, dancing...
The above is very true. There is almost another presence that drives me, despite common sense to want to test the boundaries and let Her out! Getting dressed in the morning becomes a marathon of this isn't quite right, that is almost ok, that hair doesn't look right and its all so important - you CAN'T go out looking like that! Why would I want to wear those boring work clothes. Exactly what I observe in my 11 year old daughter.
I have to say hormones have a large effect on our thought processes. More than I expected.
I learned that oestrogen is poison and causes depression and aggression and that testosterone is the cure x'D
Other than that I think in the same way, I behave the same way and nothing about my personality has changed.
I was never emotional in the first place, I never cried, I never understood emotional people and the more emotional someone was the less I could understand them or relate and the more they weirded me out.
I always had a really low capacity and variety of emotions and feelings and I sucked at expressing those I had with the exception of anger and rage and I was driven by rationality and logic much more.
T had no effect on that, I am still not emotional.
I never understood chicks in the slightest, nothing about them, I still don't understand them, and I will never understand them.
The only thing that's actually changed drastically is the libido. I had no libido pre-T and when I say none I mean none. It has skyrocketed on T though and now I'm thinking about sex and in sexual ways way too f*ing much. I also admit that I make really dumb dirty jokes and innuendoes all the time ;D I figured out women don't seem to find that funny but they never shared my type humour so that's nothing new to me.
Even though I have not experienced much difference in my behaviour from before and after HRT, women and men in fact do perceive and experience things completely differently. I already learned that when I was forced into women's groups at school, they had a completely different perception and way of thinking than I had and we couldn't relate to each other. But even though that body produced oestrogen it had never the effect on me, a man, that it had on them, women, so I can't say how that in parcticular affects them, I doubt that they get depression and aggression issues from it though xD
Quote from: Corax on December 18, 2017, 10:40:16 AM
The only thing that's actually changed drastically is the libido. I had no libido pre-T and when I say none I mean none. It has skyrocketed on T though and now I'm thinking about sex and in sexual ways way too f*ing much. I also admit that I make really dumb dirty jokes and innuendoes all the time ;D I figured out women don't seem to find that funny but they never shared my type humour so that's nothing new to me.
Haha, I've seen sex everywhere since I was 10 ;D (or younger, ;)!) ! And I'm the king of crude, dirty jokes...! I think my sex drive could be stronger, though. What will then happen to me, ;D??! Or will I just stay the same?
I discovered that estrogen removes the barrier between observing something and having an emotional reaction to it. I was not an especially emotional person on the outside before or after testosterone, but I was well aware of my internal emotional reactions to things I observe or hear. In that sense I used to feel surges of emotion that would be invisible to everyone else, given the right stimuli and they were very powerful. They could easily induce tears, and this lack of control annoyed me.
With the addition of testosterone, however, this lack of a gap between experiencing and emotion is gone. There is now much more of a distance between the two and I basically haven't been moved to tears since taking it. I know I can if I want to be, I could easily allow that to happen consciously, but I can turn it off if I want to. Which from my perspective is better. I can still feel everything I did before if I want to. But I have control.
I also learned that testosterone removes the latent anxiety that came with estrogen. I no longer feel worried about my future, I don't feel anywhere near as concerned for my own personal safety as I once was. Not to some stupid degree of course - I'm still cautious by nature. But I'm not feeling dread or worry. I'm not freaking out over the world losing its collective mind or even the challenges we're going to face in future decades. I'm not bothered what other people around me do or say anywhere near as much. I don't "keep score" any more - what's the point? It seems pointless now to be so heightened around things like that. Or around tiny gestures. I no longer sweat the small stuff. If I was considered fearless before (I was, sometimes admired, often mocked for my lack of caring about danger) I don't think I have it at all now. I'm aware of risks, but I'm not feeling that fear of physical harm that holds you back from doing or trying things.
Testosterone has removed an amount of self-consciousness dealing with others which is only excellent in my view. It was exactly what I wanted, although I didn't think at first it would have delivered. Estrogen seemed to make me more neurotic and therefore more angry and belligerent - and it could get nasty, especially when I felt trapped and assailed on all sides by people or situations. Testosterone has removed the background anxiety and the care about what others are doing and so indirectly lowered my aggression. I can still be aggressive if pushed, but the hair triggers are not all around me any more. I would say that if I'm dealing with someone who is being aggressive to me the trepidation about entering into an altercation with them is gone so I have to be careful of that. Otherwise it's a net positive for reining in my frankly at times out of control anger. I will still rarely direct anger at walls and doors, but it's a thousand times better than it was. I don't feel like I'm stuck in a burning building any more in terms of dealing with those whom I cannot get away from and who will sometimes go out of their way to rile me up. The sheer frustration of years and years used to just explode out of me and be directed at anything nearby other than people. Now I'm just able to shrug at it all and walk away.
I've experienced pretty much the opposite of the myth that testosterone makes people into raging beasts. Estrogen (and particularly low estrogen only) was what made me one of those. I can now think more clearly and less impulsively. Found with the removal of that extra stress and anxiety - inside I am a contented person for the most part. I'm not full of anger or hate or envy or anything like that, I'm mostly at peace. Was not able to be on estrogen though. It made me hyper sensitive to everything, particularly to people, and what I needed most was not to be. In that sense testosterone has acted like an anti-anxiety drug and an anti-depressant in one. Much more effective than actual prescription medications have ever been at that job, as well.
I can still empathize with people the same if I want to. The key word here is choice. I don't think estrogen gives you a choice about feeling many things, or about reacting to them. Testosterone allows you to take a step back and consider if you want to be emotional. Some people say it prevents them from feeling anything, but that isn't my experience. It just gives me a kill switch for emotions and anxiety if I want it, which is probably the perfect solution. Who doesn't want to have the option of feelings but also the option of overriding them if they are too much?
I wasn't particularly bothered about an increased sex drive - but yes T definitely knocks it up several notches. At first it is ridiculous, I mean it invades your thoughts every quiet moment. After a while I think the body gets used to it and stops doing this. It was mentioned above someone experienced a drop in sexual urges and more sexual desire. I'd say I noticed an increase in both. Before T I would experience desire only and not much in the way of urges. Now there's more urges, but definitely desire is the only thing that would get me to actually partake in it. I wouldn't go out of my way just for sex even now. The body is demanding it and the brain is just like, lol, nah. Not unless I'm into it.
Sleeping is different. I used to dream about social situations that would drive me nuts. My dreams are much more fun now on T and I can fall asleep immediately. My brain doesn't take an hour just to calm down and shut itself off any more, I can be asleep in 1-2 minutes.
Yes this affirms pretty much that I was probably meant to have been a T-based lifeform and not an E-based one. All the changes have been beneficial for me at best and neutral at worst.
In general what I experienced gels with the general views on the differences in behavior of men and women. On E I was more nervous, more easily upset, more angry at small things, more sensitive to other people, and less in emotional control. I was also more fearful. (Not much in general, but more so). This obviously fits with the stereotype that women in general are higher in neuroticism/bigger worriers than men, and that men are less able to empathize or observe smaller social cues than women; that men want more sex than women and women are more interested in sexual desire of a person than men. My observations of most men and women would bear this out. If most men have this emotional cut-off switch I now have this explains what enables them to do things women just usually don't want to do, such as put themselves at high risk of physical harm, or put themselves under great emotional stress, and maintain their purpose at the same time. Which is why - I would expect - we delegate certain tasks to men. If most men also are more flippant about little social cues and about other people's feelings as I now am, this explains why women operate better in positions of childcare, looking after people, being in positions that require a lot of meeting and organizing of people (i.e movie producers) etc. I expected this to be the case before I began HRT, but the results have pretty much affirmed the general stereotypes, at least in my experience. Meaning they're not made-up social constructs but actual hormonal realities.
Viktor, you rock!!!! Applauds again, ;).
That was as perfect as an answer can be.
---
Omg you just described my dream basically!!! The thing I hate about myself the most is my so-called emotional side. I've never been that emotional, but it would be flat out lying to say I'm not at all. Can't explain it really - but I feel like it does not align well with my character. I don't want to be this neurotic, emotional mess. I'm hoping T would fix this.
Pretty much all you described sounds awesome to me!
T sounds like the perfect drug to me - why don't they describe that to everyone :D?
And, Viktor, that really was an absolutely great answer! You exceeded yourself with this one! Keep going, please, will you, ;)?
(Btw like your new avatar!)
Purple Wolf...
I will give you my brief version...
For me, My body running on T felt like living someplace where you never see much change between the seasons...
On E, I see and feel all of it... Warm summer days that last forever.... Beautiful springs...Spectacular yet meloncholy autumns and cold winter nights that make you appreciate the other seasons even more when they return
Admittedly, the E is a rollercoaster but it feels like really living to me...after all... The reason people ride rollercoasters is to feel alive!!!!
Onward we go...
Ashley :)
Quote from: PurpleWolf on December 18, 2017, 12:18:34 PM
Haha, I've seen sex everywhere since I was 10 ;D (or younger, ;)!)
Ten already sounds incredibly young to me to be honest :o ;D
When I was ten I was perfectly happy with building stuff in the forest, being outside and playing video games when I wasn't outdoors or in school. I was just a kid, a smart one who was as eloquent and as knowledgeable as adults on particular fields but quite childish. I didn't ever think about sex or the wrong puberty lying ahead at that point.
I only knew about the concept of sex from a biological perspective aka reproduction at that age and I could never stand babies and never wanted to be a father so that whole thing seemed more than just uninteresting to me.
And later on in my teens I actually appreciated that I didn't have a libido because I didn't have the equipment for having sex. Not having a sex drive was only convenient and practical for me, it's the best that can happen to a man without a penis ;)
Now that I have such a high libido dealing with it has become kind of a headache for me because I still lack a penis and hence definitely can't have sex before phalloplasty will be finished in the future and it made my bottom dysphoria increase even more as well.
Very interesting responses. They show just how important it is for the brain, whether male or female, to experience the corresponding sex hormone environment. A male brain on estrogen, or a female brain on testosterone is unpleasant.
I sometimes explain transsexuality to my friends by asking them how they would feel if they were forced to take cross-sex hormones. The idea repulses them. They understand the physical changes that would occur, but can't comprehend the psychological consequences. I guess you have to experience it to understand it.
The best example of what happens is the David Reimer story. David and his identical twin Brian were born normal boys, but David was raised as a girl after a circumcision accident completely burned off his penis. Under the guidance of Dr. John Money, Brenda, as she was named, seemed to adapt to being raised as a girl early on. But deep down she didn't accept her gender assignment. She was given estrogen in adolescence to induce breast development. At age 13 he was experiencing suicidal depression. When David transitioned at age 15, testosterone was administered which had an ameliorating effect on his distraught mental state.
I can relate. It's the brain that determines one's psychological sex.
I have never been a violent person. It goes against the nature of my inherently-female brain. And yet...
*Trigger Warning: violent imagery *
For a long time, I used to get violent images in my mind. They would appear from nowhere, especially at night, when my other thought processes were shutting down. Without getting too graphic, I could feel the weapon in my hand, and I could see myself using it against other people. Or sometimes myself. It was very disturbing, because it was stuff that I would never do in real life. It was a place in my mind where I would never have gone willingly, yet they kept recurring.
They pretty much stopped when I started on HRT. Until this summer, my doc was worried about my low blood pressure and lowered my spiro dose. My T shot up, not quite into the male range, but outside the female range. The violent imagery came back. This fall, the doc put my spiro dose back up, my T came down, and the images went away again.
Would the images ever have affected my actions? They didn't, but maybe only because they stopped in time. I am relieved to discover that they were related to running my brain on the wrong hormones, because that means that they never need to come back.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on December 18, 2017, 12:47:22 PM
T sounds like the perfect drug to me - why don't they describe that to everyone :D?
Describe ;D?!! I meant prescribe of course! Just noticed!!! That's why you shouldn't post when you are tired... I have a tendency to write the wrong words such as aloud/allowed!!!
(Can't modify anymore!!!)
For the first time ever since the 80's. I went to the doctor and did not have to fill out a depression questionnaire. No reason to. Not depressed. No stress, No anger. My biggest problem now is making new acquaintances. I have hidden for so long and could not bring myself to explain. I ended up the most sarcastic schmuck on earth. Lacking social skills. I'm surprised I've been married all these years. I don't mind talking about it anymore. There will always be haters. But I no longer have to put up with them.
Well the insight I have gained is I now understand how some one can be hurt, in a relationship by not being with that person that they love, and loving someone who loves some one else how much that hurts and frustrates them. I now see the power of sex, flirting what they can do to someones mind, spirit, and body, I know Jealously on the female side now when i was jealous as a male I got mad an broke threw things swear, now is different and for different reasons.