Yeah - nice topics for Christmas I have, ;)!
A very grim topic indeed:
Well, everyone knows that trans haters think being trans is a mental illness.
So, today's question goes:
Did you ever think that yourself? Did you internilize that?
Did some people even tell you that in person? Did you believe it?
Did you ever question your sanity? Did you think you must be crazy for feeling this way, or something like that? Did you believe it's not possible to feel that you're some other when the obvious 'facts' of your body tell you otherwise?
How did you get over that?
---
Yes, I have thought of that.
At first at 13-14 I was fine with it! (being trans) I didn't see any problem whatsoever. Until at 14 those mental health guys tried to convince me I was insane. That was the first time I ever questioned myself. Like - what if I am? And just don't know it?! Then my family went eagerly on board with that and tried to converse me back to being a good girl. It was a very grim episode in my life.
I got over that pretty quickly & realized they were wrong - but some scars remained. At least, for years after that those things still played tricks in my mind.
And after I wasn't able to transition:
As a coping mechanism I tried not to think about the whole issue for years, like it didn't matter. And although I know that's not true and I don't believe in it (that being trans is a mental illness) and never have - the thought has come to my mind multiple times. Like - am I crazy for feeling/being this way? Why can't I just accept the fact that I was born female and deal with it? What's wrong with being a female? Nothing. So why can't I just be one? Is it insane to constantly feel/think in your mind that you're a guy - but all the evidence points otherwise? Maybe this is a delusion, after all. Maybe I am delusional for feeling/thinking this way.
Again, I got over that mainly because of this site & you guys :laugh:. I'm starting to feel more & more normal by every minute. I no longer question myself. And I feel at peace.
I can only hope not many of you have had those types of thoughts... but I'm afraid that is the case.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on December 22, 2017, 04:21:54 PM
Yeah - nice topics for Christmas I have, ;)!
A very grim topic indeed:
Well, everyone knows that trans haters think being trans is a mental illness.
So, today's question goes:
Did you ever think that yourself? Did you internilize that?
Did some people even tell you that in person? Did you believe it?
Did you ever question your sanity? Did you think you must be crazy for feeling this way, or something like that? Did you believe it's not possible to feel that you're some other when the obvious 'facts' of your body tell you otherwise?
How did you get over that?
---
Yes, I have thought of that.
At first at 13-14 I was fine with it! (being trans) I didn't see any problem whatsoever. Until at 14 those mental health guys tried to convince me I was insane. That was the first time I ever questioned myself. Like - what if I am? And just don't know it?! Then my family went eagerly on board with that and tried to converse me back to being a good girl. It was a very grim episode in my life.
I got over that pretty quickly & realized they were wrong - but some scars remained. At least, for years after that those things still played tricks in my mind.
And after I wasn't able to transition:
As a coping mechanism I tried not to think about the whole issue for years, like it didn't matter. And although I know that's not true and I don't believe in it (that being trans is a mental illness) and never have - the thought has come to my mind multiple times. Like - am I crazy for feeling/being this way? Why can't I just accept the fact that I was born female and deal with it? What's wrong with being a female? Nothing. So why can't I just be one? Is it insane to constantly feel/think in your mind that you're a guy - but all the evidence points otherwise? Maybe this is a delusion, after all. Maybe I am delusional for feeling/thinking this way.
Again, I got over that mainly because of this site & you guys :laugh:. I'm starting to feel more & more normal by every minute. I no longer question myself. And I feel at peace.
I can only hope not many of you have had those types of thoughts... but I'm afraid that is the case.
YES, I always tried to hide myself, not get noticed so much, i didnt let myself explore anything too girly, but didnt really like doing guy stuff im sort off trapt in a shell atm, like afraid to express myself with anything now its kinda scary
i have this door i can sometimes push all the disphoria i feel into and lock it, until something happens where i get confused as a girl, or life is too stressfull then it generally comes back worse than what it was
No, never.
I'm 100% confident of my sanity and my good mental health, even under the worst duress. I'm not convinced I'm in any way out of mental sorts, and when someone claims I am I will challenge them to prove I'm "out of touch with reality" or "insane" or somehow "incapable" of living normal life.
Nobody's told me this in person (some might actually think this due to perceptions of trans but probably don't have the guts). Online I see plenty of people saying "trans is a mental illness" and usually these people are ignorant and don't even know a trans person.
I never question my sanity. Or maybe I weigh it up constantly to make sure it's up to scratch - however you want to look at that idea. I'm not crazy for being trans because absolutely nothing about it interferes with a clear perception of reality beyond and outside the body, the way the world is, my particular place in it, and my everyday life, etc. No more so than someone who has an actual body deformity and would like it altered to feel better is "nuts".
But then I'm not trying to convince myself of anything, or other people of anything. I'm (A) that feels like (B), which is also a fact. I'm (A) that now looks like (B), also a fact. A might as well be (B) for all everyday purposes and mental wellbeing, also a fact. No truths have been denied here. (That's how I circumvent any personal conflicts with the idea and avoid any delusions).
The main problem people have with "trans people's sanity" is the idea that the body should inform the brain about what that person is. In other words, look between your legs (or at your chromosomes) and believe.. But more evidence keeps coming to light that it's not the body that controls self-image but the brain and brain structure, and brain structure (although usually sexually dimorphic), is on a spectrum and is only partially developed at birth as well. When it comes to gender identity correlation doesn't equal causation - the majority of the population assumes it does though.
Yes, a thousand times yes. This is perhaps why I've been in denial and fighting the trans beast so long. I still think I'm mentally ill, but I've come to accept it, and my treatment. My treatment is transitioning with hrt. I don't think I will ever feel sane, but I am calmer and happier now with my treatment.
Bari Jo
Quote from: Bari Jo on December 22, 2017, 05:15:10 PM
Yes, a thousand times yes. This is perhaps why I've been in denial and fighting the trans beast so long. I still think I'm mentally ill, but I've come to accept it, and my treatment. My treatment is transitioning with hrt. I don't think I will ever feel sane, but I am calmer and happier now with my treatment.
Bari Jo
Sorry to hear that! You are sane, though ;).
No. I have not ever considered being trans a mental illness. And I've never questioned my sanity.
Oh yeah, I've been told that I was mentally ill lots of times. When I first transitioned my mom told me I was crazy. My grandpa and uncle told me that all the time. My uncle even suggested to my dad that he have me committed to a nut house so they could give me intensive therapy to get over me thinking I wanted to be a girl. My dad asked him on what possible grounds could he have me committed. My uncle said because I was a danger to myself. He said hrt would cause harmful changes to my body and that if I didn't get treatment I would have my dick cut off and once that happened I might as well be dead. (God what a total Dick he is!" My dad just told him he didn't know how his own brother could be so ignorant.
Being told I was mentally ill for being trans didn't cause any doubts about transitioning. But it did piss me off.
No, but I almost convinced myself I was an alien, I felt so detached and separate from people and society.
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Quote from: Julia1996 on December 22, 2017, 05:35:13 PM
Oh yeah, I've been told that I was mentally ill lots of times. When I first transitioned my mom told me I was crazy. My grandpa and uncle told me that all the time. My uncle even suggested to my dad that he have me committed to a nut house so they could give me intensive therapy to get over me thinking I wanted to be a girl. My dad asked him on what possible grounds could he have me committed. My uncle said because I was a danger to myself. He said hrt would cause harmful changes to my body and that if I didn't get treatment I would have my dick cut off and once that happened I might as well be dead. (God what a total Dick he is!" My dad just told him he didn't know how his own brother could be so ignorant.
:o :o :o
Whatever that 'cruel' thing you once did to your uncle was I'm sure that bastard deserved that!!!
Quote from: Megan. on December 22, 2017, 05:45:17 PM
No, but I almost convinced myself I was an alien, I felt so detached and separate from people and society.
Same... ::)!
Quote from: PurpleWolf on December 22, 2017, 05:51:59 PM
:o :o :o
Whatever that 'cruel' thing you once did to your uncle was I'm sure that bastard deserved that!!!
I pretty much destroyed his self confidence. My uncle has always had problems with his weight. My dad got him into going to the gym but at the time he was a bit overweight. His nose was also badly broken when he was a teenager and it's crooked and has a bump on it. And he's kind of sensitive about the fact my dad is much more handsome than he is. He was going on about not being able to meet women and that he wanted a girlfriend. He used go on about that a lot and my dad always tried to reassure him. He said he didn't think he was ever going to meet a woman. I said " of course you wont. Your fat, your flabby and you don't have a trace of a muscle. Your nose is also messed up. No woman would want you. I don't know how you can be my dad's brother and be so ugly. Get used to the idea of dying alone." That really had an effect on him. He actually looked like he might cry. My dad sent me to my room. After my uncle left he told me that what I had said was awful and cruel. He said he knew I didn't like my uncle but I had gone too far attacking his weight and appearance and that he never wanted to hear that kind of thing from me again.
It was cruel and I'm not proud of it. But my uncle has been in really mean to me since I was little. It just sort of came out before I could stop it. But that's the cruel thing I did to him.
Did you believe it's not possible to feel that you're some other when the obvious 'facts' of your body tell you otherwise?
Only that! (Well, that's more than enough already I guess)
I didn't know what a transsexual was but I invalidated my own experiences with science for some time in the past.
I am someone driven by facts and always was a science nerd and since I didn't have a clue about the condition the fact that I thought and experienced things as a man and saw myself as male what stood in direct contradiction to my anatomy was something that made me think that there was something wrong with me and that this was just factually false and I should dismiss it and if I ever told someone they would deem me insane (did not think that I was though) and it would be my ticket straight into a psychiatric ward.
Due to that I wanted to shove it away from me as far as possible because I didn't want to be seen as a nutcase or someone who didn't understand anatomical facts.
Even though the severe body dysphoria made it impossible to ignore as I wasn't able to shove that away ever!
I got saved from invalidating myself by a neurological, scientific article about the transsexual condition and that not only made me understand what a transsexual was and made me relate, it also made me able to accept being transsexual because there was scientific evidence for it. Finally the evidence and the terminology I had needed and not had had all that time.
No, I never considered myself to be mentally ill. I did, at one time think that I might be a pervert, dressing in women's clothes. But I realized that that was just a meaningless label, that what mattered was that I wasn't hurting anyone.
Now of course, I don't even think that I was a pervert. I was just trying to be myself.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on December 22, 2017, 05:25:25 PM
Sorry to hear that! You are sane, though ;).
Thank you it's taken a long time for me to accept I am sane and trans. If I sought counseling and therapy early on, things would have been easier. I hid and fought everything even from myself. Honestly that was probably the source of my feeling less sane. It's one of the reasons I'm such an advocate of gender therapists now.
Bari Jo
Quote from: Julia1996 on December 22, 2017, 06:17:17 PM
I pretty much destroyed his self confidence. My uncle has always had problems with his weight. My dad got him into going to the gym but at the time he was a bit overweight. His nose was also badly broken when he was a teenager and it's crooked and has a bump on it. And he's kind of sensitive about the fact my dad is much more handsome than he is. He was going on about not being able to meet women and that he wanted a girlfriend. He used go on about that a lot and my dad always tried to reassure him. He said he didn't think he was ever going to meet a woman. I said " of course you wont. Your fat, your flabby and you don't have a trace of a muscle. Your nose is also messed up. No woman would want you. I don't know how you can be my dad's brother and be so ugly. Get used to the idea of dying alone." That really had an effect on him. He actually looked like he might cry. My dad sent me to my room. After my uncle left he told me that what I had said was awful and cruel. He said he knew I didn't like my uncle but I had gone too far attacking his weight and appearance and that he never wanted to hear that kind of thing from me again.
It was cruel and I'm not proud of it. But my uncle has been in really mean to me since I was little. It just sort of came out before I could stop it. But that's the cruel thing I did to him.
Oh wow hopefully he did something to change his life since? I had my moments with one of my uncles too. Once when he was drunk and another time when he was crashing on our couch
Anyway to answer the topic. Yes everyday I feel mentally ill with the emotional changes on hrt. I'm waiting until january to find a counselor to talk to because I'm a very sad and lonely girl lately. Even though I know I shouldn't be! Suppressing being trans for so long has really caught up to me. And hrt is making me think some crazy things [emoji17]
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
I knew something serious was going on but I didn't have a name for it until high school.itjust the way Ive been all my life
It's crossed my mind, but my therapist says no. The majority of problems stem from living in an unaccepting culture. The social stresses from this, having to hide it, lie, basically live like some undercover agent have negative consequences. We aren't normal in the sense of being common, but we are normal in the sense of being an expression of a human being. The vast majority of people never question their indoctrination and what they believe. They fall back on the facile understandings of gender and sex and often use religion to justify their ignorance. Then there are those that are just plain stupid. The collective, the tribe , is the cause of so many problems we have in this world. Until we get over ourselves as a race and stop musterbating, it isn't going to change.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
Quote from: Gertrude on December 22, 2017, 06:52:12 PM
It's crossed my mind, but my therapist says no. The majority of problems stem from living in an unaccepting culture. The social stresses from this, having to hide it, lie, basically live like some undercover agent have negative consequences. We aren't normal in the sense of being common, but we are normal in the sense of being an expression of a human being. The vast majority of people never question their indoctrination and what they believe. They fall back on the facile understandings of gender and sex and often use religion to justify their ignorance. Then there are those that are just plain stupid. The collective, the tribe , is the cause of so many problems we have in this world. Until we get over ourselves as a race and stop musterbating, it isn't going to change.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
I thought I was weak to wait until I'm living on my own and away from family to take on being trans. But I think by nature I thrive on a challenge. Like I want to prove to myself and everyone the person I am. What you said hit home for me [emoji4]
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Quote from: Julia1996 on December 22, 2017, 06:17:17 PM
I pretty much destroyed his self confidence. My uncle has always had problems with his weight. My dad got him into going to the gym but at the time he was a bit overweight. His nose was also badly broken when he was a teenager and it's crooked and has a bump on it. And he's kind of sensitive about the fact my dad is much more handsome than he is. He was going on about not being able to meet women and that he wanted a girlfriend. He used go on about that a lot and my dad always tried to reassure him. He said he didn't think he was ever going to meet a woman. I said " of course you wont. Your fat, your flabby and you don't have a trace of a muscle. Your nose is also messed up. No woman would want you. I don't know how you can be my dad's brother and be so ugly. Get used to the idea of dying alone." That really had an effect on him. He actually looked like he might cry. My dad sent me to my room. After my uncle left he told me that what I had said was awful and cruel. He said he knew I didn't like my uncle but I had gone too far attacking his weight and appearance and that he never wanted to hear that kind of thing from me again.
It was cruel and I'm not proud of it. But my uncle has been in really mean to me since I was little. It just sort of came out before I could stop it. But that's the cruel thing I did to him.
Yeah - and what about the things he used to say about you?!? Not cruel, huh?? Considering all the things he has said of you I don't think you should feel sorry for him, at all! I thought the thing was way crueler than that! You just acknowledged some facts aloud that everyone already knew, ;). I don't feel sorry for your uncle a bit! I feel sorry for YOU!!! For having to be around such a scumbag all your life! For real, ;)! He really was asking for it, I can assure you.
Quote from: dist123 on December 22, 2017, 06:56:37 PM
I thought I was weak to wait until I'm living on my own and away from family to take on being trans. But I think by nature I thrive on a challenge. Like I want to prove to myself and everyone the person I am. What you said hit home for me [emoji4]
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
I totally get that feeling of thinking your weak, i feel it now even, sometimes i can tell myself im too strong to let it out/let her out ie not weak
Quote from: Christy Lee on December 22, 2017, 07:04:16 PM
I totally get that feeling of thinking your weak, i feel it now even, sometimes i can tell myself im too strong to let it out/let her out ie not weak
Yes!! I totally relate it's stubborness and I feel it's silly now. I so badly didn't want to be "weak" or whatever that means but I get my thinking now. It's hard being a girl! I feel vulernable I wanna run back to safety...
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
I never felt mentally ill! People have told me since coming out that I am mentally ill. I feel like jumping them cause we are not ill in the least!
I've been crazy a lot longer than I've been transgender! :laugh:
Quote from: dist123 on December 22, 2017, 07:11:20 PM
Yes!! I totally relate it's stubborness and I feel it's silly now. I so badly didn't want to be "weak" or whatever that means but I get my thinking now. It's hard being a girl! I feel vulernable I wanna run back to safety...
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
I havent tried being a girl yet, not like ft so idk, but i find it quite difficult being a guy and having to be the man in whatever... i havent even stopped to consider how hard it would be as a girl, ive always tried not show vulnerability i think its weak
Great reply, Viktor. You delineate the distinction between neurosis and true mental illness perfectly.
Gender therapists are trained to ferret out schizophrenics and sufferers from multiple personality disorder from those who simply have dysphoria. The former will state with the firmest conviction that they became women trapped in men's body's yesterday, etc. The latter may have a true female personality in their stable. You'll know if you're one of these, or not, rather.
I never had the slightest concerns about my overall sanity, but it was difficult to discover why my backstory failed to match the standard model for transsexuals, which has the person having an epiphany at a very young age, identifying strongly with their target gender, and desiring to take part in their activities and wear their clothes, etc, none of which pertained to me in my youth, until I took up crossdressing at 12; then these same persons go through life engaged in this massive struggle with their gender identity, until it can no longer be suppressed, which didn't fit my bill, either.
It was only until I obtained the books True Selves and The Uninvited Dilemma, the latter long out-of-print, that I learned that it is possible to be dysphoric about one's gender and not realize it, the problem being folded into a whole other host of personal issues or aspects. Other narratives I read here helped confirm what I was feeling, and my therapist assured me that this is a normal state of affairs.
Figuring out who you are gender wise is still sorely ad hoc. I've read a whole bunch of posts here from people who think they are MTF but never wanted Barbies as children.
Few people know about my gender identity, when they do find out and they just can't handle it that's their problem, they're misinformed or strongly biased to the degree that we should just part company. I've read so much on this I can answer any question they can come up with, and am just through with figuring out who I am. Shame and embarrassment just aren't in me any more; I just find these feelings I have interesting. What leads us to want to change our bodies in this way, why does it hold such a grip?
Quote from: Lucy Ross on December 22, 2017, 10:15:51 PMWhat leads us to want to change our bodies in this way, why does it hold such a grip?
The grip it holds comes - I think - from the incessant reinforcement all around us at every moment of "the problem". I figured this out in life faster the more I came to understand just how different the sexes really are and just how deeply we're wired to respond to them differently. We can all distinguish between feminine and masculine characteristics usually instantly and with such precision we can often identify and respond appropriately to the gender of a voice in under a second, a silhouette from 100 yards from the way they look and move, etc. and we then tailor our responses permanently to a person based on this...
...and because people do, being trans is a never ending series of stressful reminders of our own dilemma that piles higher and higher with time, our every human interaction (including with ourselves) having to pass through the eye of it. We can't change the way we or anyone else is wired, and we can't change the way we respond to the genders instinctively, or the biological gender dynamic... in the end the only choice is between whether to change our characteristics and role to more easily exist, or to live out our lives in some way that accounts for/gives outlet for the problem. I guess this answers both questions for me, although I'm sure there are as many more specific reasons as there are people and situations...
Like you I find my own case interesting, and I'm curious to see what happens to it as transition progresses, and whether the disconnect there has always been between mind and body and self-image changes. It's as much a great discovery of the truth/fact in that sense as it was to discover whether the earth was round or flat, or to circumnavigate the globe for the first time... albeit on a personal level and more like a mapping of an internal world.
Not necessarily mentally ill. But I did feel less than acceptable and that caused depression and self loathing. In fact. loathing of just about everything and everybody.
I've dealt a lot with depression and anxiety, but they were primarily due to the way I was treated at school and, more recently, at work regarding my health issues. At work, my anxiety cleared almost immediately once I was treated properly at work.
While neither were triggered by being trans I think being trans and having to deal with dysphoria at the same time made my mental health even worse.
Whether being trans is a mental health issue on it's own, I don't think so. It can cause depression and anxiety certainly, as I've had small anxiety attacks due to being trans - jealousy of cis women, hating my body etc. But it hasn't been as extreme as the two incidents I referred to above.
Ultimately, everyone's different so some are more resilient to dealing with being trans, and others not so. There's no shame if you are more vulnerable, mental health wise, to being trans. You're also no more or less trans if you are able to deal with the mental health aspect of being trans than others.
Not mentally ill at all. My depression and anxiety predated transition. GD itself cause a good measure of this. Situational depression came later related to issues around family etc.
Short answer? No. Its something I've lived with for a very long time. If anything when I actually did domethinh sbout it, a massive sense of relief.
Quote from: foreversarah on December 23, 2017, 01:11:30 PM
Whether being trans is a mental health issue on it's own, I don't think so. It can cause depression and anxiety certainly, as I've had small anxiety attacks due to being trans - jealousy of cis women, hating my body etc. But it hasn't been as extreme as the two incidents I referred to above.
This is how i feel jealousy of cis woman, hating my body, sometimes i even dislike cis woman just because there woman, i hate what CIS woman expect of men sometimes, i feel why i can i be like that? and i hate that about myself
Quote from: foreversarah on December 23, 2017, 01:11:30 PM
I've dealt a lot with depression and anxiety, but they were primarily due to the way I was treated at school and, more recently, at work regarding my health issues. At work, my anxiety cleared almost immediately once I was treated properly at work.
I also suffer from Anxiety and depression, unrelated to being Trans, but i think if i wasnt Trans perhaps my anxiety and depression wouldnt be so prominent in my life........
Quote from: foreversarah on December 23, 2017, 01:11:30 PM
Ultimately, everyone's different so some are more resilient to dealing with being trans, and others not so. There's no shame if you are more vulnerable, mental health wise, to being trans. You're also no more or less trans if you are able to deal with the mental health aspect of being trans than others.
I also think being trans and dealing with unrelated anxiety and depression, it can lead to you being more vulnerable to being trans, and i myself have been and am still afraid to deal with my issues, that ive locked them in a door at the back of mind, at this time however i feel like my Gender Disphoria is at the forefront and perhaps also responsible for my unrelated anxiety and depression
Yes as a kid I thought my future was dead jail or the loony bin. I didn't care which one, I didn't give a rat's ass about anything or anyone
Well, I didn't know what I was growing up, other than not liking my assigned sex and wishing I were different. I knew that if I expressed this I'd be punished. I picked up from context, jokes, comedy skits, occasionally hearing of folks like Christine Jorgensen referred to as 'sick', that these thoughts I had were wrong.
I was caught at age 15 and sent round to psychologists. This was back in 1968, when the DSM and the standards of care were a little bit different than now. I was prescribed testosterone injections (I hadn't started puberty at age 15), and counseled by a religious authority. They taught me that I was mentally ill, and I was convinced that I needed to suppress this. I managed to do that for about a decade, when the conditioning failed and the 'impure thoughts and sinful urges' returned. I kept that hidden another 30 years, although I tried to learn about my condition on my own.
So, yeah, I was trained and conditioned to believe that I was mentally ill and needed to be cured.
I knew what I was, but I was raised in a very conservative Christian household so I did not think that it was okay.
Now it just feels like a physical illness. There is something attached to me that I want fixed ASAP.
Quote from: Michelle_P on December 23, 2017, 09:19:16 PM
So, yeah, I was trained and conditioned to believe that I was mentally ill and needed to be cured.
This is exactly how I feel, only I was trained and conditioned by society, not by doctors. It is better with acceptance, but I still get this feeling often, and have to work through it each time.
Bari Jo
I didn't ever think I was mentally ill but I did keep thinking to myself over and over for at least a year, how can I keep having these feelings of being female, especially at 60 years of age. I decided at the time my hormones must be off, imagine that.
When I was a kid, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why I liked wearing girls clothes, playing with girls, and wished I was a girl. I discovered in books in the library, that I was a deviate and /or mentally ill. That fit right in with my sure knowledge that it was wrong and perverted. Add another 50 years of feeling like that and you may get an idea why I have trouble accepting myself. Having to take an antidepressant to keep from wanting to do myself in is another reason for me to question my sanity.
I guess my answer would be yes.
Hon, I'm mentally ill. I'm also trans. It's like a comorbidity - it's an intrinsic part of me, which means my world view is very different to someone who is cis, and in certain areas, I do respond psychologically as female. This complicates the unravelling of my mental quirks caused by my dysfunctional family over the years (at the moment we are looking at possible BPD or C-PTSD, with a side helping of trans and a possible seasoning of Stockholm syndrome as a result of parentification possibly with a slice of add just to spice things up..).
What this all means is that my perception of my gender, my gender and my assigned gender are not aligned, but my actual gender may not be completely as I perceive it because of the distortions in my perception due to my illness. But. I get dysphoria, socially when I need to be male (really struggling with that right now, whilst I'm less well), when I open my mouth (apparently I can sing, if only I wanted too, but to me it doesn't sound right), and my fundamental anatomy.
Throw on top the feeling of being an outsider, alien in a foreign land; you end up with self isolation, depression and anxiety. As my dear dysfunctional family insisted that folk like me were depraved, disgusting, unable to be tolerated or deserving recognition, and in a rural community, these feelings became internalised.
So I'm self negating. Hiding, running, from me, with no clear understanding of me, aside from fractured clues. Being trans has only made navigation of my mental health more complex, as it stokes my anxieties...
Rowan
What's so bad about having a mental illness? Most of us had depression which is mental illness.
I have OCD which is also a mental illness.
I'm not ashamed on the slightest.
I don't think I ever thought of it exactly as one, but it would make sense to me if it were.
Quote from: AquaWhatever on January 01, 2018, 07:40:32 PM
What's so bad about having a mental illness? Most of us had depression which is mental illness.
I have OCD which is also a mental illness.
I'm not ashamed on the slightest.
I don't think I ever thought of it exactly as one, but it would make sense to me if it were.
Yeah I have depression and anxiety so it sucks. I think being trans adds to it because it's so stressful. Also my terrible living situation and job that doesn't pay much for me to find a decent place to live in nyc. Sometimes I think about ending it.. it's very painful
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
In all honesty no, it was more the other way around. Before coming to terms with who I was... that was the time I felt mentally ill. Often literally. Realising the truth actually felt more like a cure to a lot of what I was feeling. An answer to many of the questions I had about myself, and why I felt the way I did.
I suppose it helped that I have never really been someone who has trusted what my body tells me more than my mind. Before coming to terms with who I am, and even after, my physical characteristics contributed a much smaller amount to my sense of self than my mental characteristics. I have always tended to live more inside my own head, I suppose. Always felt a sort of detachment to the... well... to use a Fallout term, the "skinvelope". Whether that's a good thing or not, who can say. But it always felt to me like having the wrong filter applied to my interactions with the world, and the world's interactions with me.
What made me mentally unwell was trying to figure out why it felt like I was wearing a costume and being unable to find the zipper to undo it and take it off. It was the cause of a great deal of anguish and pain. Feeling stuck, and forced to see the world through someone else's eyes. Realising, and accepting the truth of who I am was like finally gaining a measure of freedom. And in that, a lot of the mental consternation went away as I finally had a reason. Even if, at the time, I wasn't sure of the solution.
Many people in my life since have told me I'm crazy, and a lot worse. That I'm mentally deficient, insane, confused, flat out lying... a whole litany of other stuff. But I never really let that bother me, because I spent far more time looking looking at and examining myself than anyone else ever has, or will. So I don't give as much weight to their opinions as they would probably want me to. :)